I'm done! I did it! In the total amount of 8 funckin' painful hours, divided into 5 sessions I finally finished it! And here is the result. My beloved tree. Posted n' all, just as I promised.
Soundtrack: Romeo and Juliet Op. 64, Act I: Introduction Spotify, I know but that's my soundtrack for the night.
Pictures: of me straitly after my tattoo finally was all done. Or I hope it is!!
Heart: Uhm, the "leap of faith" thing seemed to work? Or did it? No idea. However, I was brave enough to admit stuff. Good on ya.
Now: Sleep deprived, writing and packing up while my laundry was nicknacked by the evil time look and preparing myself for Prolog this weekend (tomorrow morning). A Swedish Larp convention. Yay! And I'm extremely nervous - organising one of the events, I'm writing a larp. Woah. "Christmas - 01" (2001) was my first and last one so I thought to myself, its about time. Behold. "Past. Present. Future." Here I come!
I'd thought I'd keep you a secret, cause all of these years you've been just that - My secret. Something I didn't talk about. Something I chose to forget. But you're not my secret to keep. You're no secret at all. Especially not My secret. Nor anyone else's for that matter. You're you. Ha. Sound so simple. Yet revealing it is so hard.
February is he worst month of the year. Not only is it winter, dark, has the all consuming guilt tripping day "Valentine" in it, its also home to an anniversary I'm about to revile. Its been ten years now, today. And I'd like to say "I remember it as yesterday" but I don't. I've tried to forget but you're something I can't deny. Just as so many others before me I spent years blaming myself for what happened. But I know that... Actually I don't. I've got no clue of why you did it. Why you left us.
Going back in time, specifically 2 weeks and 10 years back in time. I was at a Kendo or Naginata lesson and you were there, hanging out. Watching. Wanting to participate. I said "sure, come along next time." And even though you lived in the complete opposite of town you followed me home, said that you liked me and I... I said I though that you were sweet but I did't "like you". I think I must have tried so hard to extinguish this part of the story, so hard, cause its all "milky" and almost to faint to grasp a hold of at all. However I do remember not being able to stop thinking about you and saying to myself that the next time you'd call, I'd say that I'd like you too. But you never did call me again.
2 weeks later I was roleplaying with a couple of friends in your part of town, wondering where you were. We heard a noise coming from the front door but didn't bother to check it. But as I was about to leave we found a book that you'd borrowed a couple of weeks before, in the hallway. You'd pushed it through the mailbox and left if three for us to find. I remember us running out into the streets, with only socks on our feet trying to find you but it was already to late. As I went home the subway was our of order and I took the bus. But I kept on having a bad feeling, that something was wrong, so I turned around and went back. Praying to whoever would listen to me that my suspicions were all wrong.
My friends said that they'd seen the firemen and ambulance at the subway station talking to each other. "Did you get all the pieces?". I prayed so hard I could swap places with you, so hard. That if it was true, that if you'd done the unspeakable in that tunnel that I'd be able to trade places with you.
A couple of hours later we went over to your house, talked to your mother and I walked into your room. "He was just taking the trash out and having an evening walk." she said. I remember your bright 70tees yellow flower wallpaper in that tiny room. I remember your mum showing me a piece of paper on your desk, saying where and when you were meeting me 2 weeks prior. And the question on everyone's mind is why? I still don't know. You were very depressed. Had some heavy medication going on which the doctors, years later, found out made one suicidal. Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe me saying no and waiting to long to take it back had something to do with it.
You smoked Lucky Strike. They found a package of it lying next to you in the tunnel. Next to your head I imagine. You're decapitated head. Cause you didn't jump in front of the train, no. You wandered into the tunnel. Took your belongings out, placed them neatly beside the rail. And made sure that you were in the perfect position before the train came. Decapitated. For some strange reason, I always admired that about you. Your determination. You knew what you wanted to do. And you did it. Even though I never understood fully why, you made perfectly clear to everyone else that this was not just a spring of the moment thing. Sometimes I still wish I could have swapped places with you, secretly. Just as I keep you a secret for all of these years. But as the blizzard keeps on hitting the world outside of my window I decide to reveal my secret. You.
And as far as suicide goes, whether or not its a decision which one is allowed to make completely on ones own, I'll leave it - the topic - without any more comments for now.
I just wanna grab my stuff and go, had enough of this shit winter already and its just about to start. And I would if I only could. If I only knew where to go, what to do. Feeling that endless road under my feet again scares the shit out of me at the moment, just as much as knowing I'll be stuck here all winter. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.
Started looking for schools again, thought that might be the answer. Thought I might need to finish that degree and then I'll know what I was suppose to do with my life. But I woke up this morning, at 6.30 AM with chills running down my spine. Even if I did get in, even if I finished that damned bachelors degree in sculpture well, so what? There are no jobs anyways and I don't even know if I Can or Wanna work in the art industry at all. So why bother? And I can't seam to sit still in one location for more then a few months. I've been in Sweden for well, I don't know. More or less since July I guess. Got this room and have been mostly in Stockholm since the 1 of September. Two months later I still love my flat mates, they're awesome. Love the apartment, Stockholm and my room but it feels like I need to run again. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.
And a weekend here, a weekend there to just get away? To make that feeling of entrapment ease up a bit? Oh, well. I don't know. Panicked last night, just the thought of having to stick around here. Having no goal, nothing to do or nothing to look forward to freaked me out like shit. Applied for about 15 jobs that I probably wont get anyways cause I'm not qualified enough. Ha, you have to have work experience to get work and well... I don't. I've been studying. And oh, did I mention I've been studying Art? Which basically means I wont get a job anyways. And I'm not looking to build a career, shit I wouldn't even know where to start or what I would wanna do. Even for 6 months at a time. So I approached the problem from a different point of view, I applied for every job I could find that wouldn't immediately make me run and hide. Anything that could get that coin comin' in again. Don't know where to go when I've saved it up again. No goal but at least an escape plan. Even though it looks like I'll be stuck here until next August. And as I've already mentioned - I'm not strong enough to hit the road for real now anyways. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.
Soundtrack: Radiohead - Creep (which was the first song of the day my own radio wanted to play for me)
Person of the Day: Vexillum - who didn't ask questions and was a great late night film company.
Oh, and you guessed it right. Once again, "Dancer in the Dark". I think it must be the third time in about six weeks now. Favorite movie though, but still. I know every line, I've seen it more then ten times total. And I know that each time I'll find something new to fall in love with and a new place to cry.
Picture: Christchurch, New Zealand. A sculpture I found in a fountain in the botanic gardens which I absolutely loved.
So I went back, sat on that chair with my good friend the tattooist behind me and felt the needles penetrating my skin again. I enlarged the tree somewhat, let the branches grow just an inch or two across my shoulders and then it was filling time...
I'd been to Yoga class the night before, which made even my lungs ache. However it did remind me how to focus on my breathing and all those hours of meditation were also quite helpful. Concentration, meditation, breathing. Soon enough I could feel the oxygen mix up with adrenaline, endorphins spread across my body with a tingling sensation. Here we go!
After 2.5 hours I was getting kind of light headed though and felt like I was gonna faint but we were so close to the end, I didn't wanna stop! To stubborn for my own good as usual. Even though I could hardly sit up any more and realised that I'd probably taken this heavy breathing thing a wee bit to far. So while the needle kept on with a steady pace I changed strategy and used the sense of fainting to remember how it was to fall asleep, started breathing like I do when I wanna go to the dream land which as silly as it sounds almost happened. If it wasn't for that freaking pain of course.
The bits that were the hardest were across my shoulder blade where it curves just before hitting the armpit. The ribs and spine weren't all to pleasant either. Resting my head on my arm I could literary hear my bones vibrate as the needles hit them. But gah, the lower back was once again the hardest part. Those roots!! And I remembered how it felt getting that rat inked all those years ago. Fuck, that one really hurt!
3 hours later we were finally done and I could hardly stand up, had to hold on to stuff while trying to get to the mirror. And then the tears came, (or as close as I could being way to tired to actually cry), seeing the end result. I've wanted that tree for such a long time and now its finally here. I can still hardly believe it. But gosh, for every second I'm falling in love just a tad bit more. And I'll probably need to go back under the needle once more to tidy up a bit and fill in a couple of places where the ink didn't wanna stay put but at this point I'm just so glad its over.
Soundtrack: Whatever was on my fake-pod that day which ended up playing in the stereo. Only the "happy-nice-easy listening-soft-stuff" though. Person of the day: My dear old friend the Tattooist Crush of the day: Zhe (Surprised? Nah, me neither...)
This is one of the best decisions I've ever made I think, I'm madly in love with it! I've been thinking about getting a tree for quite a while now, letting the idea so to say "grow on me". And I finally decided when my old friend and tattooist came back to Stockholm. I'm gonna do it! First he filled in my old ones. I've got one of my first pet rat (which also is a symbol of Ying and Yang + its got a water sign at the very bottom) on my lower back and a stamp on my ass saying "Made in germany" (Yes, I'm not kidding and I love it!)
Then I hit the drawing board thinking it should be rather easy to get it out of my head and on to paper but oh no, I was proven wrong. I'd taken about a 150 photographs from all over the world of trees that I liked and downloaded about 50 or so more. Researching all the different types and discarding sketch after sketch. I had a photograph of my back which I was able to pin my ideas on in Adobe Illustrator (man am I glad I actually learnt that program even though I hated the teacher). And with the help of my sweet computer I had a design after about one week of solid work and virtually no sleep. But as I got the print in my hands I just wanted to make some quick changes... Which turned into 22 sketches (might have been more) and another week of hard work.
I saw trees everywhere, they were nailed to my eye lids and as I closed them at yoga class, meditating or dance class I really couldn't focus on anything else but getting that last branch just a tad more to the left. I ended up with a tree that was completely different from what I originally thought I would and got quite nervous. But as I sat, once again, up until 4 AM in the morning the day before my opointment (falling asleep with the pencil in my hand - again!) I finally fell in love with it. Could feel it literary growing on me. And of course it hurt getting it inked but it healed quickly and now a week later its only a bit itchy still. Going back for a fill and more work though. And I'm looking forward to using a bra this weekend, which of obvious reasons hasn't been an option lately.
So what does it mean? Why a tree? Well, I've always been, as Spikey in Nelson so nicely put it, a "nature girl". I'm a environmentalist, a vegan, a veggie, an animal lover and so on. I've not taken any existing tree but worked with my own. Its tilted to the left cause the Swedish socialist anarchist communist political parties are all to the left and as you might know I'm all the way out on the left side. Of course there are lots of private and hidden meanings within. In fact, I ended up writing a whole list of stuff on my wall. I can just say, I'm falling in love with it just a wee bit more for each day. =)
Went to another larp last weekend, "Våra Drömmars Stad". This time set in "1800-1900" sentry, sorta. Had a good group and stuff but the larp actually sucked. Big time. Got a couple of good scenes but nah, really. I thought I was going to "thriller" type story based larp with sound and video effects. I ended up on a larp with way to expensive clothes (not on me) which made everyone scared of actually moving around in them and it turned out to be some sort of British "Murder theory" but without the murder(?). Finding, receiving and talking to people about the clues you'd gathered. A Game. Uhm, did I mention that I'm actually registered as the worst riddle "sovler" on the continent at this present time?
So the rest of the life? Well, Autumn is here. And my panic with it. Still kinda silent but coming. Trying to keep my focus, trying to keep busy (which isn't a problem for me as most of you all know) and getting quite creative which is great.
Still finding the need to stay in Sweden or rather to stay put, sit still and think. I've never known what I want to do but last January I decided I wanted to study art full time and move to New Zealand. Finally I had this great plan but as all planes they never turn out as you thought. I've got no regrets, It was absolutely the best thing I've ever done. And even though school wasn't up to my expectations I had a swell time travelling and getting to know my self.
Recap: July 2007, I stated studying art in Stockholm January 2008, I decide to move to New Zealand July 2008, I move to NZ and begin my new school October 2008, I realise that I'm not going to come back to school next term. November 2008, The road is my home September 2009, Stockholm is my home.
Picture of me on the road.
I've been on the road more or less for a year. Or more. After realising that art school over there wasn't as good as I hoped I thought that I would find out what I wanted to do with my life by travelling. And I sotra did. I want to do more, see more, be creative, move around, love and work with nature, animals and art. I've got a real addiction to Larp which can't be found (in the way that I like them) in any other place but Sweden. I also found out that I needed to be around my friends. As corny as it sound. Gah, I missed everyone heaps. And I'm not really keen on missing them so soon again. I need to stay put, even though I'm always travelling in my heart and all around Sweden I need to try and find out what I want to do with my life. I know I want to study art - but not at the moment.
I know I've talked about it over and over again, its just that I really don't know. In the same way as I really don't know about this thing called sex. I've always loved it, no matter what gender or style but now... No. I know I've always loved to be with girls and "the people who don't define their gender" (in lack for better description). But men? Well, I haven't had a problem before. Or I had with the macho manly men. And its gotten worse.
At the moment I've gotten over my last big summer crush and in true "isobelll style" gotten right back on the horse and am having all these bubbles for someone else. Of course someone that I hardly know. But now for the scary parts starts, its a he and he seams to like me back. Fuck!! I'm not good with all of that shit anymore. As I said, we hardly know each other (and OH, I'm as always getting way to personal? Sorry) but we're texting and getting real cute. He doesn't live around here which is great, I can live my life just as always. But then there is the "I'm missing him!" part which sucks. Like I'm always missing people all around the globe. Sigh. Note to self: By travelling a lot and larping you'll get friends all over, if you find this "missing thing" hard then you might think about stop travelling - Ha, like that's ever going to happen!!
So once again I'm confronted with the two things that scare me most of all. Its a guy and he (well, that's what I think at least - gathered from the texting ) sorta likes me back (or is he just atracted (here my bad selfconfidens raises her voice in a foul and bad manner and starts to whisper lots of thing that I wont tell here and will try to inore all togeher)). Which is all nice and good but it means, you guessed it, sex. Cause of the simple fact, it seams like, that we're both adultes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm really attracted to him and wow I'd love to have sex but does the dick really have to be a part of it? (As I complained about all this shit to my brother last night he went and grabbed the sissors, "This might solve the problem?").
This has been my main theme for the last 6 months - no dicks. I've failed over and over again but every time I'm in a quite foul mood for the next coulple of days. So seriously, no dicks. At least until I figure out what's wrong, or if you'd like me to rephrase, what's right. Now comes the issue of telling to him, that I'd love to have a cute flirt (or whatever happens) but no sex which is scary. And for once realising that it wont do with, "I'll make up an excuse at the last moment", "It wont be all that bad will it?", "But I am really attracted?", "I am real horny though, that should mean that I actually do want it?", "oh well, I don't want to disappoint him. Just get it over with." I know all about the classic saying "if he likes me it wont matter", "I don't need to spread my legs for someone to like me and if its only that then I can just as well do without." But grr, the bubbles and wanting to be the subject of bubbles in tummy back feelings are still very much all to real. Well, I should just stop thinking, be honest and let the weekend to all the work cause we're all meeting up on Gotland for the "Night of Culture". Yay! A sorta reunion of the summer time medieval week at the flat with sauna, party, friends (some old ones and a lot of newcomes) and the highlight will be seeing a scary movie in one of the old church ruins at night. Freezing Cold!!! And I don't know what I'm more scared about, the movie, the cold or (I do really hope) him - warming me, holding my hand.
Bubbles. Scared. Confused. Chaos? Well, thats me. Always in some state of chaos but at least I'm smiling this time. (And blushing.) Shit, he might read this. Uhm, no good idea of publishing or just the right thing to do? Uhm, fuck. Well, its to late now? Shit, shit, shit. Scared way beond the point of ok and all bundled up in a teenie crush. But maybe I'll just see him and realise that its been all in my head? Bubbles simply cause I "felt like" having bubbles? Hitting the Publish button before I can change my mind.
Yesterday was horrible, or at school it was any ways. It felt like being back in "collage" (we say gymnasiet in Sweden), having to please the teachers more then actually learning stuff. I'm here for the arts not to get the best grades and I'm not at all cool with me having to pay to print stuff out and hand in. If I don't I'm not passing, gah! Furious. But that was yesterday and I'm a bit less upset about it today. But fuck, I was about to strangle the teacher. The computers kept on crashing, nothing was working and I had done my assignment just not printed it out cause I didn't have the money.
I don't know what I feel like doing next year, right now I'm quite sick of school. Never being able to concentrate on the arts and having no money. So maybe just work and travel? Don't know yet. Will probably not stay on at NMIT, maybe New Zealand. We'll see. I guess everything is sort of thrown out of balance right now, got no clue about the future and where I'm headed. I want to learn, study and live but not when it feels like a pain in the ass and only to please someone else. I'm doing this for me, thank you! Cause of all the bullshit in school I'm a lot behind in my homework which sucks, have a hard time motivating myself and concentrating.
Creativity is all around me, been so inspired over the last couple of days and am enjoying myself with my friends down here. Its been a while ago sense I actually smiled from the bottom of my heart but both yesterday and today I am, I am! The sun is shining and tomorrow is the finishing for out Symposium week. We have been doing a theme week on what happens behind the scene in films. "What is Batman doing when he is not fighting some crime?" But without the Batman par, we've got some really wired old Italic film. And trying to incorporate the lecture that we had on Monday called "Reality Check" which was all about what you define as real and not, The Simulacra. Very cool stuff thought up by pretty dray and old guys back in the day =).
Sending smiles and hugs to the one whom might claim them. Music: Killing Heidi
Yes, please! But that wont happened this year, gah! I really badly want to. Today I finally realized why I haven't been motivated for school over here jet but feel fine on Thursdays (mostly anyways). We have object studio all day and I love it. Although I already have done most of the stuff that we are doing now there are some new things or at least a look back on what I did last year. Somewhat irritating but probably good too. I wonder if I can major in it this year, think not but will have to talk to them. But I guess I should still do the stuff that I'm not that in to and learn it better but some days it feels like being back in collage (gymnasiet) where you had to do everything again and not just the stuff that you actually want to work with (or I have no Idea what I'll be working with when I grow up, hopefully I just wont grow up). What to do, what to do? Is it allowed to just study what you want, do what you like?
Apparently partying here is totally different from back in Sweden or how we did it anyways, you do not (!) make out or flirt if you don't mean anything by it. Remember that. Note to self: You don't want to get a big sign on you that says "slut!".
My Firefox has just crashed once again cause of all the tabs I'm running at the same time. They're all things I want to blog about, things I want to read more, sign or mail related stuff. So before I begin my report on Solmukohta I will briefly get this out of the way. (Not related to anything or in any particular order.)
I haven't watched them all, in fact just the one "how to kill a cow" but these art films are just to strange and good to be true. I can recommend checking them out. And I will leave the tab until I have successfully watched them all. =)
Bländverk is a friends new blog, filled with lots of strange, fun, scary and political stuff. Personally I like the art stuff but I can still recommend checking it out.
"The Motherland" is a larp in Denmark which still has a few openings, if your free and want an experience out of the ordinary or just want to play with me, then come along. And no C, I am not doing this for you! ;p
Found a new thing which makes my life a lot easier, no not really actually, just gets me more up to date and has me sitting in front of the computer even more but still check out igoogle, get your gmail, blog feeds and news all at once. Ha, as I said. My daily mail ritual which usually takes me 1½ hours just expanded. My favorite feature, besides the German news feed, is the "How to of the day". Haha is all I can say. Today I can learn everything about How to Identify Dangerous Marine Animals in Australian Waters and How to Make an Anatomically Correct Brain Cake.
Another strange artblog : darkroastedblend I mean, check this out. If you have more of those, please tell me. But I am more of a sculpture, preference and movement in the pictures girl myself.
Addictions: Travel + Hitch hiking, tea, art, dance, larp, play, cartwheels, my cell phone, music, the road, computers n' internet
Politics: Green-Veggie-Queer-Anarchist-Socialist
Loves: Animals&Nature, dark chocolate, warm hands, Urban Exploration, hitch-hiking, demonstarting, creating stuff/art, dancing, runnin' through the grass bare feet, adventures
Hates: to freeze, winter, autumn, losing control, my conscience, Falling in Love
Scared of: insects, the dark, Pennywise the Clown, Losing control, deep water, meat, freedom of will and not having freedom of will, the entrapment of a "relationship" (I'm a Relationship Anarchist), capitalism
Massive Attack, Queen, AFI, Takida, CombiChrist, Björk, Coheed & Cambria, Lacuna Coil, Deine Lakain, Bush, Pink, Rammstein+Tatu-kombo, Juli, Covenant, VNV Nation, Soulfly, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Silbermond, K-pist, Tool, Stabbing Westward, Within Temptation, Smashing Pumkins, The Used, Skillet, Architecture in Helsinki, Säkert!, Detektivbyrån, Fall out boy, Kate Nash, Freak Kitchen, Hello Saferide, Gwen Stefani, Eskalator, GoGol Bordello, Muse, Fall out boy, Shout Out Louds, Antony and the Johnsons, Blink 182, Rage agains the machine, Skunk Anansie, Arcade Fire, Silverchair, Kent, Dntl, Kora, Minuit, Sidewalk, Ladi 6, Lykke Li, Lamb, Lama, Stay Ali, Dubstep+Drum&bass, Mint Royal, Sigur Rós, Fat Freddy's Drop, Katchafire, The Black Seeds, Sidewalk, Joel&Joakim... and much more.
