isobelll - with 3 l

I just wanna grab my stuff and go, had enough of this shit winter already and its just about to start. And I would if I only could. If I only knew where to go, what to do. Feeling that endless road under my feet again scares the shit out of me at the moment, just as much as knowing I'll be stuck here all winter. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.

Started looking for schools again, thought that might be the answer. Thought I might need to finish that degree and then I'll know what I was suppose to do with my life. But I woke up this morning, at 6.30 AM with chills running down my spine. Even if I did get in, even if I finished that damned bachelors degree in sculpture well, so what? There are no jobs anyways and I don't even know if I Can or Wanna work in the art industry at all. So why bother? And I can't seam to sit still in one location for more then a few months. I've been in Sweden for well, I don't know. More or less since July I guess. Got this room and have been mostly in Stockholm since the 1 of September. Two months later I still love my flat mates, they're awesome. Love the apartment, Stockholm and my room but it feels like I need to run again. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.

And a weekend here, a weekend there to just get away? To make that feeling of entrapment ease up a bit? Oh, well. I don't know. Panicked last night, just the thought of having to stick around here. Having no goal, nothing to do or nothing to look forward to freaked me out like shit. Applied for about 15 jobs that I probably wont get anyways cause I'm not qualified enough. Ha, you have to have work experience to get work and well... I don't. I've been studying. And oh, did I mention I've been studying Art? Which basically means I wont get a job anyways. And I'm not looking to build a career, shit I wouldn't even know where to start or what I would wanna do. Even for 6 months at a time. So I approached the problem from a different point of view, I applied for every job I could find that wouldn't immediately make me run and hide. Anything that could get that coin comin' in again. Don't know where to go when I've saved it up again. No goal but at least an escape plan. Even though it looks like I'll be stuck here until next August. And as I've already mentioned - I'm not strong enough to hit the road for real now anyways. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.

Soundtrack: Radiohead - Creep (which was the first song of the day my own radio wanted to play for me)


Person of the Day: Vexillum - who didn't ask questions and was a great late night film company.
Oh, and you guessed it right. Once again, "Dancer in the Dark". I think it must be the third time in about six weeks now. Favorite movie though, but still. I know every line, I've seen it more then ten times total. And I know that each time I'll find something new to fall in love with and a new place to cry.

Picture: Christchurch, New Zealand. A sculpture I found in a fountain in the botanic gardens which I absolutely loved.

So once again, communication is what makes the world go round. Ok, I see. Well, thanks for letting me know Mr. Obvious. Doesn't make it any easier though. But I did it. I found the words. Finally. I think the hardest part was admitting them to myself.

Soundtrack: Björk - Pagen Poetry. Lyrics.

I don't know what to say, what to think, how to feel. I don't even know how I could put it all in a txt, without getting way to private. I'm sorry, you caught me off-guard. So I'm at a loss for words.

Kazai: "Now you're the one giving hen "The Silent Treatment"!! Stop thinking about yourself for a moment and think of the other person...!

Ok, I will. I'm sorry. Just don't know what to say...

"Can't you just say what you feel?"

I don't dare to admit it even to myself, I'm sorry. Even though you probably already know.


Picture: Urban Exploration tour of Stockholm, day before yesterday.
Soundtrack: Youtube video sent by txt.

...Pretty, please. I really don't want this. I really can't handle this. I need to stay in control, to have my focus on what's important. On my future. I wont allow myself to lose sight of my goals. The only problem is that I can't stop it. I guess I never could. And once again my goals get altered. Not the big one's, I'd already decided to stay in Sweden a while longer. To rest and put all the pieces of my puzzle that I've gathered over the last year on the floor, turn each one over a couple of times and find out what to do next. But what I wasn't prepared for was this. You...

I absolutely hate falling in love. Can't handle it. Everyone else keeps on telling me to just enjoy the ride, that at least the one I'm being all bubble hearts for is actually feeling the same thing. But that really doesn't matter. Its not a question just about losing control of my own life, wanting to give it all up for just one more minute with him. Its about losing control over my sanity. It feels like I'm in a massive battle, I've already lost but I'm not quite prepared to put down my weapons just yet. That will make it hurt even worse if this is just a fling. I've just turned thirteen. Again.

My stereo keeps on playing silly little love songs, my eyes keep on starring into empty space and my tummy keeps on hurting - every time I get a txt from you, every time I don't. I've just turned thirteen. Again.


(Oh, I can't keep calling you Mr. B even though you got the honer of choosing your own nick on my blog its just not working for me. So I'll call you Zhe which in Chinese translates to "Anarchist", just like you are. 者zhě​)

Had a nightmare about Zhe. He said that since we're both relationship anarchist I wouldn't mind if he spent the night in my flatmates bed or if we could all just stay in there together. What? Uhm, no? RA is about finding out what we want and not what the norm has taught us about being in love. But that does Not mean that its ok to do just everything, its about communicating. Hmm, think I sorta lost the point I was trying to make.

Never the less, "uhm, no...?" I txt'd him back and woke up to check my cell. Nothing. No answer. And no txt saying what I'd obviously only dreamt. Nothing. In fact, nothing for the whole entire day! As it got up to 24 hours, preciously (yes, I'm 13??) at 3.54 pm, I thought it was just as well to set my mind into "get over him" mode. It was only then that I realised how far it had gone. That even if I wanted to I couldn't stop it now. So a very sad little dead Zombie walked the streets at "The Stockholm Zombie Walk". I've just turned thirteen. Again.

I can almost set my alarm to my mood swings, when I think that the world has gone under and everything is just plain and utter horrible existence. Its about 3 hours since the last txt from Zhe. Yup, I know, I'm sorry. I've tried. And the second I get another txt it starts all over again. I've just turned thirteen. Again.

Two hours later, after checking my cell way to often, it beeped again. Oh, How I love that sound!

And of course I'd just been a fool, he'd slept all day. He's not addicted to txt's like I am, not to facebook, like I am. He's simply just... gah, way to good to be true? Ha, listen to yourself Girl! Its hopeless to fight it off now, just sit back and enjoy the ride. I simply replied with turning the camera on me and sending him a zombie. =) I've just turned thirteen. Again.

The next night I didn't have any nightmares, I fell sound asleep as quickly as I hit the pillow and woke up as my cell beeped again (which I rarely do, or if I do I fall strait back to sleep). And while reading a cute "Good Night" txt, I fell asleep again with the cell tightly in my hands.

That's how I know that I've turned Thirteen. Again.

This is the worst idea ever! But it might just have been the medicine the doctor ordered... I'm really scared of the dark and all that shit so taking a sweet walk though the city with a horde of Zombies just doesn't feel right. But I did. Maybe cause I wanted to overcome my fear. But the important part was to show my support to anything that's happening on the streets, anything that makes people leave their home and have some fun outside - with people they don't even know.

So I bought the necessary ingredients and mixed my own fake blood. 45 minutes later I had "the perfect shade of red" or rather I had run out of food dye, time and got tired of mixing in both acrylic and pigments to get the right tone. So all of us hit the bathroom mirrors and splashed (slashed?) us some sweet (yeah, syrup was the main ingredient) blood on ourselves and hit town.

I might be able to handle Zombies from now on, at least a bit better but fuck - even though I was a part of the walk the others freaked me out anyways. And I tried to scare the crowd but one of them said "Buh!" and I almost screamed and tried to scare him back. Might have tried to hard though, sorry for that.

Hardest part was staying serious while we all were moaning down the street and when a guy said "Swineflu" I cracked up. Hearing "Thriller" get blasted over a town square near the end of the walk was kinda hilarious too. The only real negative critique I've got is that the walk was way to long, took about 2 hours? Something like that and it was way to cold. Even though Zombies don't freeze, I do.

And as I got home and looked myself in the mirror, yaiks...!! Decided to give the Zombie party a try and to my surprise they played Dubstep in the little underground (normally Medieval) bar and I hit the dance floor. So I got just as disappointed when the next DJ came on and had the normal boring industrial EMB, no thanks. Had a pretty sweet night though, accidentally scared a girl on the subway. Oopps... No I'm sorry. Its not my real Blood, I feel just fine thank you. Just a bit dead.

Nightmares? Nope. I know, I'm real proud too.






Soundtrack: Michael Jackson - Thriller

Colder nights, real windy and before you know it - Autumn will be here. And my panic with it. I thought I could stand the cold this time, I thought I could handle the darkness but I'm thinking I might be fooling myself. Just another method of calming my nerves, not having a place to live or anything to do really. It feels like my entire being is in chaos. Just as always I might point out - there is always a certain amount of chaos in my life but when it turns sour... It feels like I'm running away if I give up on Sweden at the moment, not having fulfilled the stuff I needed to do here (trying to find out what my sexuality is, learning to say no and getting my body to function properly again?). But as soon as I start to feel that cold wind upon my skin I can feel the old panic setting in. Soon the leafs will have turned in all shades of red and die. I need to have green around me, I need to be able to see that summer fresh green every day.

But the biggest fear of it all is that with the Fall coming it means that reality is coming, the cold dark one that hits you in the head and says its time to grow up. Its time to get going with your life. I've worked so hard to get rid of all of that. Please don't make me go back there. I'm scared shitless of a 9-5 job, a stylish apartment with a long term lease and a steady partner. Thatäs what everyone else calls life - I call it prison or maybe even hell.



The fucking larp is as always taking up way to much of my energy and commitment. I really just want to run away, now.

Scared. Silent panic.

Music of the day: Spirited away soundtrack

What's gonna happen next? What are my big bad cunning plans? Well, some travelling in Europe but after that? Well, I am - naively - like everyone else looking for a job. And again - naively - I didn't think it was gonna be such a big problem. I've got a truck-drivers-license and there used to be heaps of jobs around but last summer the Swedish government wanted to get rid of the shortage and educated heaps of people. Which means no work for me. Gah. I'm of course looking for everything else as well. But nothing seams to be out there. No work, no money. But why hang around in Stockholm, I have to eat any ways and travel doesn't really cost that much - I hitch hike and stay at peoples couches. Visiting friends and family. Yay.

So what's going on after the summer? Uhm, I don't know. I'd like to stay in Sweden at least a few months, so I can get real tired of the country and I also wanna play with all my cute friends here for a while. I've missed them so bad. Do some larping, which can only be done here in northern Europe to my likings. Love it!! But to stay up here while winters coming and making us all into ice cubes? I don't know. I've been looking at some places in east Asia or Japan, I thought I'd give English teaching a go. Yeah, I know I still got lots to learn. My spelling is not the best one, I've got no teaching experience and don't even talk about grammar - don't know shit. But I can learn? And even though its not a dream of mine to become a English teacher. Not like "Yay, this is what I wanna do with my life!" - thing. But it should give me the chance to explore the Asian continent, get work and travel. And that I don't need to come back to Europe to earn money.

Now I just have to figure out where in Asia I'd like to go. They've got some courses over there that would make me qualified and I could start teaching strait away. And if I'm lucky or rather I need to find some that are supported by he Swedish student loans, that way they'll pay for my ticket and I'll get some money for food.

But for now I need to find work or school for the fall term. I really'd like give English a shot at the university here in Stockholm but I'm not sure if I get the chance or can keep my feet based in Stockholm for that long. And I don't have anywhere to live either. Hmm. Ah, well. That's just me and my life I guess - I'll get by somehow. I always do, or don't I? And oh, I do really wanna keep going with my art thing, I wanna study more! But this time around I'd like to give it some more time, check out the school first and start my bachelors when I'm sure that that's gonna be my country and school for the next 3 years. NMIT, the school in Nelson I attended turned out to be shit, half the courses I had to take weren't even art!! WTF? At the moment, I can't seam to keep still for even 2 weeks. Oh yeah, that could become a problem while looking for work. I'm not used to this month to month business any more, I like the weekly system of New Zealand.

To sum things up, if you got any idea where I could stay in Stockholm for the fall, just a spot on a floor would even do, some work or school stuff. Keep me posted, will ya!

I've got a special place for the summer in Stockholm or rather we'll see how long I'll stick around but I'm very happy to crash on my best buddy's couch in his living room. Thanks again, Kazai for letting me stay. Here's everything I need. A place to sleep, a tea pot with a working kettle, a bathroom (or well there will be after they've finished renovating it), power for my lovely Yvanne (my laptop) and good company provided by the flat mate's but mainly of course by my lovely friend Kazai.

But there are a few things that scare me. The fact that I'll be living with three guys is one thing, that they all love computer/video/drinking games is another thing and neither of them seam to know how to do the dishes directly after making dinner but I can live with that. There is something else that scares the shit out of me, they've build an altar in the middle of the living room where I'm gonna be staying. Its a huge... no you don't get it, its a HUGE flat screen TV with a play station 3 and X box. WTF?? How people can live and worship this thing I will never understand, especially people who spend their entire days in front of a computer screen at work. Why the hell would you wanna spend your time off glued to yet another screen? I'll guess its one of the mysteries in life. I'm thinking of building an altar of my own in a corner of the living room, with a small Buddha and some incense. Maybe a candle or two and I really should start meditating again so that might be the perfect opportunity to start, being inspired NOT to sit in front of that... "thing". Even though I spend a lot of time in front of my computer I still think there's a huge difference - controlling what you want the screen to show you or getting commercials brainwash you into thinking you want possessions. Gah! Ok, I've turned into some weird hippie but hey, at least I'm out there... hmm, doing what? Swimming with the dolphins! (But that's another story).

Just ran past my X, the one that got violent, and couldn't get away fast enough. With my heart panting I shut the door behind me and all the bad memories made me paralyzed with fear.

Another lousy day is hopefully soon over. Will I ever be able to let this go? When will I be able to see him without having nightmares?

Kazai was or is a real idiot. He "accidently" texted me instead of his new girlfriend a message with the feeling like "I wanna fuck you so much!". Thanks a hole bunch, just because I'm almost over you it doesn't necessarily mean that I need to know your intimate details with your partners.

Current song: Nine Inch Nails - Fragile