Trying hard to verbalize what happened since my last post. I've been trying all week. And yes, it is/was to good to be true but sometimes it turns out to be real anyways. I talked it all through with Zhe and yes. Its True. The thing I have with Zhe is to good to be true but it is.
See? I can hardly write. I'm scared to jinks it if I do!
I met him and we spent about two full nights of talking until we realized that we were on the same page, that we wanted the same things. In out own little special "isobelll&Zhe-style" with Relationship Anarchism as a solid foundation. [Insert small jump of joy] Once again communication is key. Oh, yeah... Communication. Well, due to (political) circumstances that very thing - communication - has (once again) almost had a complete breakdown. Sigh. Gosh. I really do hope that "we'll" survive this.
I've been sick more or less the entire weekend with Buffy as my main company and I'll tell ya this, there's no way you can have to much Buffy however its very possible there's to little of human interaction at this point in my life, winters almost here.
Gosh, I don't even know where to begin. Its all over between me and Cat. We've been trying all summer long but after "breaking up" again and again it finally ended last week. (The quote marks mean that we're both relationship anarchists) I knew it would come. And I guess it was a sorta mutual decision even if I was crying all the way. The Silent Treatment made me cave and realize that it just couldn't go on like this. We were only hurting one another, real bad. Never the less, as that dreadful day came where I just knew what was gonna happen I still didn't wanna do it. As we strolled along the path to the same spot Cat had taken me about one and a half years ago, I could feel the wasteland that grown and somehow fitted between us as we walked side by side. But this time it wasn't a nice and bubbly experience walking down to that old mansion by the water, this time Cat took me there to break up. Or we broke up I guess I should say.
I think we must have walked and talked for almost two hours, almost beginning to fight a couple of times, confessing everything bad that had happened. Why we both felt let down and hurt. Why we weren't able to solve the problems earlier and so on. I couldn't stop my tears from falling. And at the very end, when Cat had to run of to a meeting I just said something like "say hi from me to the others" turned around and took some of the hardest steps of my life. Maybe it was me imagining things but I could feel Cat's eyes upon me, wanting to say something but knowing nothing would help now. I think I must have sat on that bench, that I found at a near by lake, for quite a while - not being able to stop crying. As I finally pulled myself together I was frozen through and through. I know we can't be friends at the moment but oh how I do miss you in my life, Cat. I'm grateful for everything that you taught me, helped me with and for letting me love you. I guess I always will.
Pic: Cat holding a Cat. (I hope Cat isn't pissed of or offended with me publishing this one but even if you knew who Cat was you wouldn't recognize it from this pic).
As I got home I took all the stuff that immediately reminded me of cat and locked them away, I put all our sweet photos and put them in a map called "X - don't look at this" on my computer. I untagged our kissing pics on Facebook and realized that however hard I'd try I didn't wanna eliminate our past from my life at all. But for now, I have to. Just for now. Just a tad wee while. I hope that one day we can find our way back to a sweet friendship.
And at the very end, without being able to blame anyone for what happened (cause there none, no isolated events, just a long complex process and more misunderstandings, letting down's and hurting one another's then just about anyone can handle) there's just one thing left to say; I'm sorry, Cat.
Soundtrack: Antony & The Johnsons - Cripple and the Starfish That I played over and over again as I first fell in love with you, in January 2008
...Pretty, please. I really don't want this. I really can't handle this. I need to stay in control, to have my focus on what's important. On my future. I wont allow myself to lose sight of my goals. The only problem is that I can't stop it. I guess I never could. And once again my goals get altered. Not the big one's, I'd already decided to stay in Sweden a while longer. To rest and put all the pieces of my puzzle that I've gathered over the last year on the floor, turn each one over a couple of times and find out what to do next. But what I wasn't prepared for was this. You...
I absolutely hate falling in love. Can't handle it. Everyone else keeps on telling me to just enjoy the ride, that at least the one I'm being all bubble hearts for is actually feeling the same thing. But that really doesn't matter. Its not a question just about losing control of my own life, wanting to give it all up for just one more minute with him. Its about losing control over my sanity. It feels like I'm in a massive battle, I've already lost but I'm not quite prepared to put down my weapons just yet. That will make it hurt even worse if this is just a fling.I've just turned thirteen. Again.
My stereo keeps on playing silly little love songs, my eyes keep on starring into empty space and my tummy keeps on hurting - every time I get a txt from you, every time I don't. I've just turned thirteen. Again.
Me and Zhe.
(Oh, I can't keep calling you Mr. B even though you got the honer of choosing your own nick on my blog its just not working for me. So I'll call you Zhe which in Chinese translates to "Anarchist", just like you are. 者zhě)
Had a nightmare about Zhe. He said that since we're both relationship anarchist I wouldn't mind if he spent the night in my flatmates bed or if we could all just stay in there together. What? Uhm, no? RA is about finding out what we want and not what the norm has taught us about being in love. But that does Not mean that its ok to do just everything, its about communicating. Hmm, think I sorta lost the point I was trying to make.
Never the less, "uhm, no...?" I txt'd him back and woke up to check my cell. Nothing. No answer. And no txt saying what I'd obviously only dreamt. Nothing. In fact, nothing for the whole entire day! As it got up to 24 hours, preciously (yes, I'm 13??) at 3.54 pm, I thought it was just as well to set my mind into "get over him" mode. It was only then that I realised how far it had gone. That even if I wanted to I couldn't stop it now. So a very sad little dead Zombie walked the streets at "The Stockholm Zombie Walk". I've just turned thirteen. Again.
I can almost set my alarm to my mood swings, when I think that the world has gone under and everything is just plain and utter horrible existence. Its about 3 hours since the last txt from Zhe. Yup, I know, I'm sorry. I've tried. And the second I get another txt it starts all over again. I've just turned thirteen. Again.
Two hours later, after checking my cell way to often, it beeped again. Oh, How I love that sound!
And of course I'd just been a fool, he'd slept all day. He's not addicted to txt's like I am, not to facebook, like I am. He's simply just... gah, way to good to be true? Ha, listen to yourself Girl! Its hopeless to fight it off now, just sit back and enjoy the ride. I simply replied with turning the camera on me and sending him a zombie. =) I've just turned thirteen. Again.
The next night I didn't have any nightmares, I fell sound asleep as quickly as I hit the pillow and woke up as my cell beeped again (which I rarely do, or if I do I fall strait back to sleep). And while reading a cute "Good Night" txt, I fell asleep again with the cell tightly in my hands.
That's how I know thatI've turned Thirteen. Again.
Soundtrack (in Swedish): Lars Winnerbäck - Du får mig (, jag ger mig)
Uhm... I'm sorry? Well, I mean. Everything in the last post is true its just that I really shouldn't blog while way to drunk. Really not! But to my defense, the comments on one of my previous posts where I was talking about the confusion about sex/love made me realize that its a good thing to just write, talk and be honest. That someone else out there had the "same" type of problems as I do. So thank you for sharing and caring enought to comment =).
The flat (here on Gotland), with 7 lovely people, is coming to life after a hard night of partying. Just as it should be at 2 pm.
So a huge note to myself; Never ever, and I repeat, never (!) blog while drunk!! Not only the fact that I wasn't able to write in complete sentences, or that I was babbling along uhm... getting way to personal (like always??) might not be the ideal thing to wake up to. OOppss... So I'm sorry.
Wll, I gotta tell you that I'm so fucking happy. This has been like the first time since forever (?) well at least since my "puppy love" time with Cat almost two years ago. So I fuckin' deserved some good stuff. I've, it you hadn't noticed, got a HUGE crush. Like in the last two posts I've been really confused and really scared. Just like this one. But for the first time since forever its not the usual "I'm having a crush, I really don't wanna' and the other person doesn't like me at all".This time its all just to cute. Gah, I hope its not just form my side. The person in question is a newbie in terms of Relationship Anarchism but very willing to learn. So yes, I'm falling. So hard. In spite of the subject being a boy, at least to the physical side.
So what about my problem? Of telling this person whom I'm very attracted to that I'm celibate? Well, we had a "talk" yesterday and had that serious "I kinda like you but..." - talk and he didn't realize that I was a relationship anarchist. It turned out that he'd wanted to be one for several years but never really got into in it. And I, of course, feel fuckin' amazing showing him what it all means. (See under the label of Relationship Anarchism or andie.se to know more about it.) So when we all talked it through, I thought I totally lost him. I thought I was once again having a crush on someone who wasn't in the least bit interested in me. But uhm, that wasn't what happened. I let go, he let go and we agreed that we were really scared but we so wanted to go on and feel more. And later on today I (sadly) realized that it was way to late to turn back. I'm falling. And id doesn't matter how scared I am or whatever it means to him, I'm falling.
Which is really scary though, not just the fact that I'm falling again but that its a "he". Again. But as I said, the amazing thing happened. I was brave enough to tell (so I gotta give him a name?) Mr. B. (Mr?? Well, its not a macho man in such way but he got the enormous honor of choosing his own, never happened before.) Ah, gah! Yeah, as you read (probably my future self tomorrow) you'd realise that I'm quite drunk. haha... embarrassing. haha!
The best thing that happened was, besides us giving it a try, that we had sex without our genders. For the first time, and I'm 26, I had sex (or rather made love?? Do I dare to say it?? Ha, I'm to drunk not too and tomorrow its gonna be way to late to change my mind.). I had sex without my physical gender, and gah, I really hope that Mr. B doesn't hate me for outing this on my blog or that I will regret it tomorrow but gah, I'm so having the huge crush. Feeling way to much for my tummy to handle. Ha, I'm in love! There, I said it. Finally. But remember, I wont admit it tomorrow. Or will I?
So sex without the physical gender, love without the physical gender and relationship anarchism without the heterosexual norm. I'm so fuckin' game!
Having the time of my life, probably course I'm so drunk (this is the first time I admitted being drunk while bloggin) and finally being brave enough to feel everything. Write anything and just to feel. Scared, happy, bubble and love. Tihi, love! And this is me talking, the one that is so scared of feeling anything more the friendship. Ha!So even more way to personal stuff on my blog, like I haven't don't that one before. Ha!!
So music of the day; Shit, I don't fuckin' know eye. But from he stuff that we've been listening to this night its been "I miss you - Blink 182". Thank you Mr. B for making me belive again. And the most important thing, the friends down here made me belive in love again.
Song of the day might just as well be "More then Words-Extrem" And this time, you'll just have to check out goolge for the links yourself. Love ya!
And no pic's couse I haven't got them prom my camera yet, but when there's stuff I will post it. Bubble happy love to ya all.
Respect is one of the most important things in all form of relationships, as we all know. And I've had quite a bit of trouble with that one I must admit. Not getting it or not being able to/wanting to/having it with past mates/lovers. I thought it would be the same with some new people in my life and also meeting up with old ones but somethings happened. I've come to a point when I've started to respect myself. I'm not accepting being pushed around or as it was before, easy to persuade into stuff I didn't really want to do. So I guess, a somewhat humble and out of my comfort zone honest, Thank you to those who've shown me that Respect. You know who you are.
The music that wont stop playing in my head with perhaps the cutest video ever, with humour, surrealism, "bad" camera work: Katchafire - Colour me life
About these spring bubbles... They are all good and so on and so forth there are just a few major issues. Not with all of the of course, I've got bubbles for the tiny little new leafs outside my window, for yet another cute flower and when the neighbours cat comes for a cuddle and so on. But when I've got the bubbles for people, that's another story all together. Being a relationship anarchist and obviously not knowing when I'm flirting or rather, according to everyone else, flirting all the time. People perceive me as a flirt where as I don't always intend to be. Hmm, I don't know how to deal with this in words, especially written once on a blog, but I guess I'm gonna give it a try.
I worry how my relationships (or as I informally prefer to call them - "to relate to people") are perceived by Normal People. This can be really good or often, especially if I'm quite fond of them, really bad if the person on the other side doesn't share my perspectives and can't tolerate how I live. (If you feel like reading about the last time I got my heart broken, look at September 2008 in the blog archive to the right. I think it even stretches into the next month after that, and whom I called "a close friend/my flatmate/Spikey" - for lack of better words and privacy reasons - and so on.)
A entirely different "problem" is the issue of gender - I'm getting way to personal here so this is the time to stop reading. I identify myself as... uhm, this is actually a huge problem - which word I use for identification. A person outside the normal gender-identity-system or simply "queer" (again in lack of better words). No this isn't quite right. Ok, once again. A person who... Hm. I keep on switch who I go out with, what I identify my self as - dike, femme, "flower power girl", political activist and the list goes on and on. Who/what gender identification I have sex with/am attracted to. But I identify myself as a woman, more about this further down.
I'm not into people who identify with the binory genders. If you're bisexual you like boys cause they're boys and girls cause they're girls, I don't. I mostly fall for the people who go beyond these catagories not necessarily meaning transgenders (in whatever way/form) but people who identify themselves as a non-gender, anti-gender or make up their own gender, not taking things as granted.
So far so good, now to the even more personal part. From time to time, I bubble (which is the simplest way for me to describe the feeling) for a heterosexual guy. Which is totally fine but if it goes further then that and some little innocent flirting - which I most probably wont notice that I've started if someone else doesn't point it out - it gets complicated. I've got no intention of being in a "Normal heterosexual relationship/relation" with someone, none at all. Despite me finding them/him interesting. I've got no desire of being put in the position of a "heterosexual woman" which I've been discussing before, getting that typically feminine role. Even though I don't have any problems with my biological gender and am quite happy identifying myself as a girl/woman/female I don't like the part that society has chosen for us and the way people treat us. This is simple enough in theory but as soon as one puts it to practice it becomes a lot harder to uphold with a heterosexual man (in whichever way he's there). So what to do? I like the people/him/them but not the script - "the game" and the part I have to "play".
Simply, Some of the things that are important for me in closer/intimate relationships are: To know how to have fun and when to be serious, to not put me in a heterosexual female situation (which sadly often means that I have problems with heterosexuals), people who had a WAY to sheltered life. And most importantly relationship anarchists- even if its non sexual close/intimate relationship, in normal terms "just good friends".
I of course relate to people that are not compatible with these categories and some of them I'm very close to and have been for years! But when "new people" come into my life I ever so often realise that even though I like/love/bubble them they don't know how to handle the relationship. This of course gets me into trouble.
This is really hard to write about so that others can understand so feel free to ask me directly or in my comments.
A Perfect Circle - Sleeping Beauty (You're far to poisoned for me...)
I've realised over the years that my money is spent not on booze and candy but art and music. And I can't and wont carry the albums with me so I got all music digitally but I love concerts, and will do almost anything for a chance to see my favourite bands. (Some of them are on a list to the... uhm, right? I don't "do" left and right, can't tell them apart). But when someone asks me about my favourite band I always say that I've got two that are at the absolute number one, Björk and Nine Inch Nails. I've spent I don't know how many hours at end listening to both of them, laughing and crying at the same time. I've never been fortunate enough to see Björk live but had the pleasure to watch Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails creator, front man and really everything) 4 and a half times!
The first time I didn't even know the band, it was in Roskilde 2000 (?). The year with all the deaths at the Pearl Jam concert where I was suppose to be but got held up, puh for that one! I was at the festival with my mum and her friends, just turned 18 and my first festival. My favourite band at the time "Bush" were playing at the same time as NIN and I ran from one concert to the other and saw some of the final songs with Trent but then forgot about this amazing man for several years. Actually my mum made me listen to him in the end. Years later my boyfriend at the time liked NIN and gave my mum a cd which she for a whole years played over and over in her car, ok so this must be good? I slowly got into the music and when "with teeth" - the album - came I was lost. Shortly afterwards my phone rang and a very excited voice said "Nine Inch Nails are coming to Hultsfred, we need to go!!!" (Hultsfred is a big Swedish festival close to where my mum lives). We needed to be there, me and mum who'd made the call.
Trent in Nine Inch Nails is singing at the top of his lungs to the right (? I still don't know left from right). 2009, NZ.
It was pouring down when Trent came out on stage. Wow! One of the best concerts in my life. The best thing, perhaps, was reading about it in the papers afterwards from a reporter who clearly didn't know anything about Trent, that he'd called the audience "you fucking pigs...!" while we were all lovin' it this poor reporter didn't get why. Haha!
Nine Inch Nails started, just as before he took his big break, spitting out god music and I got more and more lost. Fuck, this is to good to be true. He came to Stockholm not to long after Hultsfred and me and my mum where there again, screaming and singing along. He came a third time and that concert (even though it sadly had a horrible boring audience) was my mums 50th birthday gift!!
The lovely talented Trent is giving me (selfish as only I can be) his best. 2009, NZ.
I moved to New Zealand and thought that I would never see NIN again, sadly but true. "The Slip" came out and sure enough a new tour was posted, with one stop in Auckland. Yay! I couldn't wait for the tickets and got them on pre-sale on the homepage as a fan and got a special ticket that let me come in with the other dedicated fans before the public was let into the concert hall. Wow! And there I was but this time, my 4th and a half, it was without my mummy which was really weird. Trent said that this was probably gonna be his last tour and I went form the concert with mixed feelings, what no more albums? No more music? Fuck, what the hell am I gonna do now, huh Trent?
So I took heaps of pictures and videos of the concert and loved every last minute of it. Until just a week ago when I out of a pure chance and a cute Danish guy, ok I gotta tell that story later on, checked out the Danish festival Roskilde and what bands they had for this year - and started screaming and txting my mum, NIN is coming! I still don't know if we're gonna be able to go, money, time, work (still don't know if I got it but the interview was ok I think)? But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for one last chance to see my favourite band - Nine Inch Nails.
"Nine Inch Nails - Something I can never have" Auckland, NZ 2009
So the story about the cute Danish guy? Well, ok... but now its getting personal again so this is the time to stop reading if you're scared or just feeling way to politically correct cause I'm sure as hell not!
So I went to Knutepunk in Norway and meet up with heaps of friends that didn't know that I was planning on coming, Ninja!! Had some sweet reunions and cool moments that I thought were forever gonna be buried in booze memories from last year. I wont go in to them, at least not right now.
The LARP convention started with a Larp, yay! Even though it wasn't that good and brought up a theme that wasn't really appropriate or rather it was to big for that short amount of time I got some good gaming and had a lot of fun. (I'm not gonna try and explain larp, which I've tried many times over in the blog I think.) So I got the part as the flirting bimbo and didn't really know who to flirt with. There were three guys to choose from that my character could "fall for" but two of them didn't seam to experienced with playing and had a totally different gaming style then I have, I mostly go all out within reasonable limits of course. But I saw that one of them, The Game Master or rather the guy with the papers, had a character that was perfect for gaming and the guy itself seamed ok and the same "all outthere" gaming style as I have. So I played along, flirted and got closer so I could drop a real sweet line, later I heard that it must have been strait out of "American Beauty" - "Oh... Have you been working out?". Looking up on the guy with huge admiring eyes and biting my lip, this was all in game of course. (That is, my character as the bimbo was flirting with his character - larping.) Later I found out that the Game Master, the one organising the game for us had giving me this part so that he could have some game time with me. Oh, really? I should be pissed of for being type casted but well... I really can't.
Cause later on that day, as embarrassing as it is to admit, we started flirting. As ourselves. Gah! But he was a bit to cute besides it was way to fun not to. And I always, as bad as it sounds, go for fun. Or I try to. So we kept on flirting and late at night when I was heading up to my bed and I just had turned down the offer of getting a drink in his room I left him with a sweet, innocent and nervous good night kiss.
The next day I had heaps of games to go to and some real cool seminars. One was how to have a monologue in a game and help each other having them (a meta technique in larping) and in the afternoon we tried it out by taking part in the game "A place to rest" where all the communication between players was in monologue form, yay! This actually turned out to be such a good game that its competing with some of the best ones on my list, and I've been doing this for more then 10 years now. Good on ya, "guy's"!
The gala dinner came and went, I kept on spontaneously gaming with a few friends and then the cute Danish guy (hmm, I'd better get him a nick name that's shorter... what to call him?) came and asked me to dance. Which I at first couldn't due to game but later on loved every minute of. He turned out to be a real good and fun dance partner who loved to play along to the lyrics and after being part of a secret ritual on knutepunkt, getting back with an old friend and then returning to the dance floor to have some more fun with TCDG (The Cute Danish Guy). You all know what happened afterwards. Come on, I'm not some sort of saint. You know even though I can try to hide it. We spent the rest of the weekend being rather cute and me having a strangely warm tummy whenever he was around.
Ok, so I crush rather easily but at the same time there has got to be something there that really captures my attention. And for some reason it did, even though it was a guy which I'm not really interested in any more and way to young. Lets not go in to numbers, just that he was way to young. I'm thinking I might have some sort of "I'm getting old (26 now) complex" cause this is not the first time I'm going for people that are way younger then me, embarrassingly enough. At some point we started talking about relationships, oh no... Not that one again. I always get into trouble right about there cause there are so few relationship anarchist around and when I started explaining that I want just what everyone else wants but without rules that make me wanna jump fences, that I preferred trust and warmth. The love you can only experience when its totally voluntarily and being chosen every time someone spends time with me it got sort of complicated. Apparently "you can't have the sweet without the sour". But what?! No, no, no... That's not how I wanna live my life, besides there is always heaps of sour when you relate to people - why would I want to create more just by following this silly norm we've got in society? No, not my thing. "But you're just gonna go back to Stockholm and forget all about this. Gone with the wind..." Well, No, that's not me. I keep in touch and when I say, "I'd love to see you again" I actually mean it. So even though we are as unlike/alike as we can be and everything else that's "wrong" I still kinda like him.
But hey, he's another box for me. Everyone that has made me smile, for whatever reason, goes into a little box in my head and on rainy days or when everything has turned into pure shit I look for my little boxes, dusty and forgotten but not lost. And I open them and smile, feel, love and remember. So Thank you for making me smile, whatever happens that was the simplest and most important thing. Now we have a good mailing contact that I hope continues and that we at least stay friends. I'd like that very much with a still somewhat (scared) warm tummy.
To explain things a bit clearer, relationship anarchism means that every relationship - every time you relate to someone - its unique. This means that all your contact with someone else is totally unique and can't be replaced. So every time I'm jealous, cause of course this happens to me too, I think about how I wanna be treated and that I'm, however hard they try, am unreplaceable. So if I talk about more people then one in this blog ots because I'm trying to be as open as I can and show me, you, someone or just write about this other way of looking at relationships with the people we love.
Band of the day: "Nine Inch Nails" New Zealand Band of the day: "Left or right" Muic that has been playing all night: "Tool" and "A perfect circle"
Got ya! I told my mum that I was gonna come visit her but always pushed the date and finally said "I'll see you on Saturday". But little did she know about my plans... Early on Friday morning, after just about 3 hours of sleep (due to reasons I'll explain later) I got on the bus that would take me about 5 hours downwards in the country. But the stupid bus company Swedbus (http://swedbuss.se) fooled me and it turned out to be 2 buses with a stop over in Västervik for about 2 hours. WTF? I needed to hitch hike the last bit anyways so I got real pissed of cause the bus from Västervik was only gonna take me to Vimmerby which isn't even an hours ride and I'd paid it totally in wain. I decided - to hell with them all - got out in Västervik and instead of waiting for another 2 hours I started walking back to the big road.
I got a bit nervous not only about trying to hitch in Sweden, the Nordic countries or Europe for the first time but also using my right thumb. And having a sign which I for security reasons hadn't had duing my 4 months of hitching in New Zealand. That way I could always say no thanks to the ride and blame it on being a stupid tourist that I again was on the wrong side of the road. This I never had to use though, even if I realized that some of the rides were rather sketchy and maybe I shouln't have gotten into the car. But I'm alive and well. *Touch wood - reaching for my head*
After about an hour and a half of walking backwards trying to get to the highway I started getting worried. People are a lot colder maybe cause of the climate here but there is something about Swedish people (me becoming one of them I must admit, applying and getting the citizenship not even a year ago- now I'm both German and Swedish). The cold and tired faces of stressed people. Out here in the country side its a lot better but there is still the hint of fear in everyone's face. You never start talking to someone on the bus or the street. They might be out to get you! Security cameras everywhere. Big Brother's watching. A guy ol me that after 20 years on the same job, which he actually seamed to like and do well, he started getting controlled when he got there in the morning and when he left for the day. Isn't 20 years enough time for earning ones trust? He got mine. He picked me up and I shared a ride with him and his family all the way to my mums front door. Thank you and I trust you. Fuck you, Big Brother, fuck you...
First Emil (the dog) didn't recognise me. He sniffed and sniffed until he must have gathered up all his brain cells and finally knew that his big sister had come back! And he started running all over the place, going all wild. The family is all back together, yay! My mum however wasn't around. So I put down my pack and went on looking until I found her in the garage cleaning her car and listening to her "fake pod" (yay, don't give in to evil mac). What the fuck are you doing here??? Haha! Love, reunion and family. Finally. Its almost been a year since I'd seen her, way to long but with the being on the other side of the world, literary, its been a bit difficult. Oh, I've missed you heaps mummy! So I ninjad you too! Fuck, I've even gotten requests of people wanting me to ninja them. Well, you never know. I might maybe get there, some day. When you least expect it of course.
The hitch hiking sign, it says "to mummy" and the towns near her own plus Virserum where she lives but I realised after a while that its probably to small for anyone to know where it is!
We talked all evening and I went to bed at a reasonable hour, a real bed with covers and pillows. Wow! But best of all, with my old teddy Katariana who fell asleep in my arms about 10 minuites into the movie been played on my laptop. Luxury pure.
Katarina, about to fall asleep. Just like me. She's my favourite and oldest teddy!
We spent he day cruising the country side in my mums cool sports car and enjoying the "trying to be warm" spring air running throw our hair. Emil the dog and my mum, both lovin' the road.
The spectacular/unspectacular country I've grown up in at the beginning of the Spring. Harsh and cold, with dark green and Gray colours painting the landscape. But when the sun is shining, like it was today, and the company is the family, nothing can be better. Or who the fuck am I kidding, I'll take you all to Mount Muanganui!
And oh, I almost forgot. I only slept three hours cause I was taking a spontaneous walk with Cat late at night while talking about "us". Ok, I'm getting personal now so if you wanna stop reading this is the time.
I've been in love (more or less) for more then a year with hen and and hoped the love we shared would continue now that I got back to Stockholm, at least for the time I'd be spending here. But our meeting in Morocco didn't, as you can read about in previous posts, turn out as planned - a reunion in the Sahara desert and the trancesahara festival. So everything has been kinda weird between us, it didn't feel like we'd even meet at all.
I began to feel like the typical woman, wanting physical attention and getting the cold shoulder one minute and the opposite next time I turned around. Making me feel very insecure, scared of showing my own feelings and unloved. This is very common in a lot of "normative-relationships" and is another reason why I'm totally uninterested in them (if you missed it, which is hard to do, by now - I'm a relationship Anarchist and queer (not defining genders), which means I'm neither interested in being in a normative relationship or acting/being treated as a "typical normative woman"). So I got quite pissed of and tired of being scared not to be loved back, or rather not to be "fallen in love with"(for lack of better words) and equally of being treated like/feeling like a "normative woman". Knowing that Cat would never willingly put me in this situation, cause hen is a strong believer in relationship anarchism and queer too, so what went wrong? Or why was I feeling like this?
+ I have no intentions of coming back to Stockholm and having my heart broken, none at all. Of course I knew that me being here again had no guarantee that we were gonna find our way back or rather find a future together as friends/lovers/companions. Though its hard at times I can always try to "turn off" or rather not "build up" even more of the "bubble-falling-in-love-warmth" in my tummy for someone, which I wanted to know if that was the case.
So we talked and talked, something that is the centre of all relationship anarchy "thingys/lovers". Which is one of the reasons why I love it, not only having the big talk when its already to late to save anything. And after a while we realised that it partly had been a misunderstanding, as so many things usually are, we speak in different languages when it comes to "love talk/feelings and such". And we decided that we were gonna take it real slow. Cat still being sort of startled of me, as hen said it, that I was "being back form the dead". Which made hen scared of losing me again, or not seeing that I'm here at all. And therefore not knowing how to act around me. I've been gone for a long while, longer then we'd known each other (I've known about hen for years but never having the guts to get to know hen for real until about January 2008). But I'm still on a journey while hen's been "left behind" and even though hen's gone throw a lot its still in the same country and the same city. So while I'm moving on and on hens still. Meeting up again is therefore a bit tricky cause we are at different places in our lives and/or relationship. Gonna spend heaps of time together and try to find a new way to relate to each other and the new people we've become. But oh, yeah... I'm still/again hopelessly in love... (For lack of better words).
Song of the night, ta Cat : DJ Krush - On the Dub-ble
Again with these fricking Relationship Anarchy thoughts. But I just can't stop thinking about this bit, how can you call someone property? Or that's what someone has to be reduced to when someone else is stealing them?
For example; A likes B but B isn't interested any more and want to "play" with C. Now A acuses C of stealing B form A. But doesn't B have thoughts and feelings of their own?
Its said that friends come before anything but when is a friendship closer, when you share or when you steal? When you're filled with jealousy or with love? Simple questions to a somewhat difficult dilemma.
Can someone steal your friend? Well, yes of course is the first thought but then again. What? How can you steal something that you can't own. There is no rule of monogamy in friendships or is there?
Ok, here's the delicate situation. I hang out heeps with a person, lets call him/her A (hen=him/her). Now A wants to hang out with the friends hen had before I came to New Zealand. That's understandable. I've no desire to always be around A and v.s. But here comes the tricky part, I was invited to join in tonight and didn't think twice before I accepted. Last night however me and A had a huge argument, I was always interfering with hen's friends, I had already "stolen" (taken, gotten to know, become friends with...) a lot of the people A hangs out with and this was the last ones hen's thought hen had for henself. Would be able to hang out with where I wouldn't be around. Understandable. But it puts me in a pretty awkward situation. I was invited but can't go because hen is there and it's hens friends. But I do consider most of them my friends too. Hmm, his might be to complicated to explain on the blog.
Well, at the end of the day I'm sitting at home while "my" friends are out partying cause I don't want to get in the way of A. I have no desire for more fights or back talking someone. I just don't know what to do. I didn't even realise that most of the people down here know A too but its a pretty small place so I guess thats unavoidable. So how can I be considerate and give A some space without getting left out? My first impulse was to leave. Thats it, had enough of Nelson. Time to move on. But I can't run away every time it gets hard. So I stay, alone, in my room while my friends are out with A and "hen's" friends. Momentum 22.
Wonder if anyone can understand my ramble, ha.
How the hell could I have been so blind?! I got close, I trusted, I love. This time around was to be about me, not about what everyone else does and doesn't do. I was not to be influenced. I was to be on my own. Not let anyone in. I can't believe that I got that dependent on people again. I need to make my own way and not care if they wont show me NZ, forget to tell me that the trips are off or aren't interested in my things. I need to find my path. Alone. Thank you for the reminder.
Well, I try! I really do! Been working hard at school stuff all day and will go on for a bit more, its half past 10 pm down here. But all good, I even treated myself to a haircut =)What do you think?(Pic from today). Needed to do something good for me in this somewhat shitty week. Its been sort of hard for the last few days but I'm all good and ok though, nothing major. So no worries. Holiday coming up soon, just a few more days of school and then I'm off! Yay! Hopefully I'll be travelling some, hanging out with friends at the beach and I'll probably hit the books at some stage too.
Life is a lot easier of your heart is stone cold, I found that out again. But I dont want to be like that, just need to be more careful about how I handle stuff I guess.
BTW, me and Cat translated the Relationship Anarchy - in eight simple steps. If you want to have a read I'll paste it further down.
We're working in illustrator in one of my classes right now which is quite cool, you get to do all sorts of stuff in that program. Only problem is the teacher, as always I guess. It sort of feels like I'm constantly hitting someone's wall. Something they put up all around me that screams "don't be creative, don't do art, do school work". Which is to be honest not really why I came. But I decided to just go through with it all for now. Nose in the books, partying as much as I got the energy for and having fun. Cause after all, that's what its all about ey? Not being afraid of living.
It feels like I've been here for ages but at the same time just arrived. Two and a half months of NZ. Learning new things every day but having a routine. The plan right now is to find out as much as I possibly can about travelling here and hopefully doing some of that over the summer. Or nah, I am going to do that over the summer. Working and looking at the place. Where the hell am I any ways?
Music: Dntel
Relationship Anarchy
You can love a lot of people - each relationship is unique Relationship Anarchy (RA) questions the idea that love is a special, limited feeling which is real only when kept between two people at any given moment. It is possible to love more than one person - your relationship to one doesn't diminish the relationships to the others. Don't value and compare – appreciate each other! No one needs to be highlighted as a partner to make a relationship "real". Every relationship stands on it's own, a meeting between independent equals.
Love and Respect is to have no demands Refraining from demands as a basis of an relationship is to show respect towards other peoples independency and capability of taking decisions in their own. You having feelings for others or a history together doesn't give you the right to set rules or make demands. Try instead to explore how you can develop a relationship without disregarding each others essential values and opinions. Rather than to compromise in every situation, make possible to make different choices without letting that causing a crisis in the relationship. Demandlessness is the only way to be completely sure that everyone in a relationship is there of their own free will. It's not “real love” to adjust to each other according to an existing template.
Give yourself a solid point of view How do you want others to treat you? And I mean everyone. What are your premises and how do you define your boundaries? What kind of people do you want to have around and how do you want your relationships to be like? Find such a core point of view and work with all your relationships according to it. Don't make any exception to the rules or 'special cases' for different people to prove that you really care for someone specific.
Remember the heterosexual norm but don't be afraid Remember that there is an incredibly powerful set of normative beliefs telling you how life and real love should be. People will wonder and question your relationships. Talk with the loved ones to find escapes and tricks to avoid norms and rule that causes problems. But remember to create positive alternatives and fight for something, not just against the norm. Don't allow your relationships to be driven by fear of societal norms.
Spontaneity instead of duty To be able to be spontaneous – to act without the fear of being punished and without obligations – is what makes radical relationships come to life. Spontaneity is above all other the opposite to duty. You would want a relationship where you spend time with each other just because you want to, not out of a sense of duty. Spontaneity is not about never planning ahead or thinking before acting, its about building relationships without duties and demands. Organize your relationships in a way so that they enable spontaneousness!
Fake it 'til you make it Sometimes it might sound like you have to be some kind of übermensch to "stand life" as a relationship anarchy. It's not true. Try using the trick “fake it 'til you make it”, which means that you imagine how you would have done in various difficult situations if you were as strong and cool as you'd like. Make these thoughts simple guidelines you use in situations where you feel too weak. Talk to other people about how they handle things and never blame yourself!
Trust is better than being suspicious Assume that everyone near you wants you to be happy. The common idea that egoism is the sole power driving human behaviour is bullshit. You and others around you want to acknowledge and communicate with each other but sometimes there is so much to be dealt with in life that you don't have the energy to take care of anyone but yourself. The better relationships and environments you can create for yourself and others, the more time and energy you can to spend on others and acknowledge one another. Give people lots of opportunities to discuss with, explain, care for you and take responsibility for the relationship but remember to take care of yourself. Remember your personal boundaries.
Change through communication Whenever people do something together there is a norm on how to act and what to do – a norm on how a the situation should turn out. If you and people around you won't talk about the whats, hows and whys, everything will turn out as the norm dictates. Communication, common action and a will to change is the only way to break free from the norms. Radical relationships must have open discussions as their main component, not as a state of emergency. Remember that trust is your most important tool. We are so used that people never quite say what they actually mean, that we have to search for and try to interpret what they're really after. These assumptions are always based on societal norms or your previous experiences, which isn't necessarily true in your relationship. Talk to each other!
My week has been sort of upside down, to say the least. Started out in a weird way ended badly with a "semi broken heart" but is kinda taped back together? Actually, I've got no clue what I'm doing at the moment. Way to little time spent on studies, mid-break coming up and confusion about next year. Study, work/travel? What to do, what to do? I can't really picture myself in one spot for the next three years. I wanna move around but I need to stay put somewhere for the hole bachelors program but can I really decide where and when now? Do I have to? I want to know more about the world but really want to learn and study more too. Don't want to live without the artsy stuff but can't be fucked with stupid "collage-please-the-teacher-shit" either.
After a horrible fight with a close friend I wandered up to the centre of New Zealand and enjoyed the sun for a few hours on Saturday. And I finally feel like I've arrived here, I'm in NZ. In Nelson. Doing my art thing and getting to know people that have and will make a difference in my life. Are the people you meet and have around you more important then the actual place? I never thought so but I've been thinking a lot of that lately, how I miss everyone back in Sweden and how I'll miss the new once I've made down here when I leave. But can't you find good people if you lok hard enough in any place you go to? The picture is from the hill next to the centre where we spent the time up there, better and higher up. You see the hole of Nelson from up there!
I finally went to the beach yesterday and wow, it blow me away! Of course I had to get my feet in the water and yes, they went numb after about 3 sec. Haha! Think I could sent hours and hours there. It's been really warm here over the last couple of days and you can just feel that summer is coming soon enough. And it will get really hot. Or so I've been told.
Thanks Cat for making me feel less like an idiot, that my theories aren't just my own weird ways of thinking. And I even want to quote you
"It always astounds me when people don't seem to see that:
1) No rules can stop anyone from feeling unsecure
2) No rules stops anyone from leaving a relationship or secretly have other 'exclusive' relationships at the same time
3) Inventing restrictions for lovers and friends so that they only are allowed to interact lovingly with you, is a sure-fire way to lose someone to the other side. (It's also not a very loving thing to do to someone you really dig.) Instead, giving freedom is actually a better way to retain friends and lovers - they will have no reason to jump the fence (as there is none, rather pointless then, eh?)."
I'm also reading "The Dispossessed" by Ursula le Guin which is basically a book all about how an anarchy society works compared to a capitalist one. And there are some pretty beautiful lines and ways of thinking in there. "If you'd really wanted to kill someone would a law stop you?"
Or maybe I'm just on a anarchy-green flow right now.
And personal favourite today and the concert from last weekend, Lady 6.
The hole weekend has been about partying, again. Like always. I need to try and be sober at least one Friday but its gret fun so I'm all happy. And because all friends couldn't come on Friday the party simply started all over on Saturday. And I had to eat my last famous words again "na, I'm gonna take it easy tonight." =)
I saw th most beautiful youtube yesterday, thank you so much mum! I cried and I cried and oh, I miss you so much!
Oh and before I forget again, I got a new piercing =)! One in my ear this time, a small ring. I'll try to take a pic of it later and show you. Adrenalin rush.
Why can't people live in the moment? Why can't everyone be a relationship anarchist? Why does everything have to be so serious, either everything or nothing? I can't change into a standard "one on one" relationship, can't promise I'd be "faithful" as the "normal" people would express it. I'm faithful in the true, or for me true, sense of the word. I don't forget people just because I'm hanging out with someone new, I love more then one cause every relationship is unique. Every friendship, everyone you care about their all unique and beautiful. What's the fucking thing with monogamy and ownership? I've tried so many times and I just can't do the hole "I'll be yours forever and wont feel like I'm in a prison"-thing. Its not that I want to sleep around I just cant handle the fact that someone has the power to say that I couldn't. So I had a fight with a dear friend of mine about that today. Hey, I've been honest from the beginning. And its not about the person I talked of in the last post.
Anyhow, of to a pirate party now and hoping that will take my mind of thing.
The first of September means that spring has begun and OMG, it has really started. There were already flowers cus of them always being here in NZ but more are on the way now and everything else is bubbling. Guess I can tell some stuff here anyways, fuck I don't care about what some people think as long as I don't hurt anyone. And I wont, not intentionally anyways. So I meet a real cute person on Friday, gah! Bubble! But I'm way to shy to talk to "hen" (hen=not reveling gender). But there is always more gossip around me I guess, lots of things and people floating around in my head. As usual in the beginning of spring, when it feels like I'm always in love even though there might not be anyone on the other side of the feeling. But I reckon anything/anyone that can put a smile on my face when its raining is a good thing. Relationship Anarchy can be pretty lonely at times when there is no one around who will understand what the fuck is happening but OMG its good in the midst of starting, having fun and bubbling around.
Sitting in the Mac lab today, suppose to do homework but I just end up chatting, mailing and blogging. Which is why I try to avoid the internet a bit. I need to study! Gah!
The best thing happened yesterday, mum called! I haven't talked to her in such a long time and just hearing her voice, even if it was a bit filled with snort and other fluids of the flu, it was nice to let the calming words make me smile. I miss you so much!
By the way, I got the explanation for the "you don't have much of a personality" comment a couple of weeks ago. It was his attempt to say that I'm not sharing stuff with him even though I really value our friendship. So cornered I finally caved, gave up and started to open up scary as hell! Now I know that I'll be missing these guys when its time for me to move on again. Scared but safe? Sort of? Can't really put it in words.
I think I got a really bad hit to the head yesterday, look at me rambling on and on in the previous post. And it did have a lot worse consequences then I thought. In drawing class today I finally made progress, thanks to this really great teacher. The sun has been out all day and that always makes me feel better inside. And I've been making dinner for someone special. That's really something! I usually hate cooking but for some strange reason, I blame the spring, I felt like baking bread today. And thats what I have been doing all night. The hole tiny apartment smells like freshly baked bread and I feel like a total housewife. But without the desperate, the wife, the house, the being in a gender role parts.
And I might finally admit, I have lost the war. The bubbles have won. I'm lost. Maybe thats the problem.
Last night Spring finally came to our little town of Stockholm and into my life. And before I knew it she held my hand and swept me away with her scent, her eyes filled of tiny little sparks and her infectious laughter. Giving courage to the first little flowers. Blowing new bubbles. And when morning came, she had imprisoned us in her warm cocoon of hope.
This is every bit as corny as I'm feeling right now. The spring lady has arrived. I don't know how but she made me listen. Trying to make me understand that it's ok to be afraid. That it wouldn't be so scary if it didn't mean anything. So closed my eyes and held his hand.
A friend of mine just pointed out to me that it's not the (boy girl "normal") relationships that make me feel all trapped but it's me. I am the cowered. And yes of course, thats me. I knew that... didn't I? maybe it's just good to be reminded once in a while. And I'm the first to admit that I am coward. Always second guessing every step, but hey, thats me! Or no, thats how I don't want to be trapped in with. Let me out! Give me the courage to stand up for myself.
Oh, yeah. Thats right, I don't belive in god so I have no one to shout at. I'll just have to find the strength within I guess.
If you look at the time this has been posted you have to understand that will understand that I have had another late night out partying. After a long walk/talk with a special person I was all bubbled up and had to get my thoughts raped around something else, but hen wouldn't get out of my head.
And I'm saying hen, which is a finish (I belive) is the expression if your not defining the gender, this is to protect the persons integrity.
I think the bubbles are actually trying to kill me. As I said in a previous post about friendship there are always bubbles involved in the beginning. And some of them feel all warm and fuzzy. The problem is when they start to turn pink and wont pop when your trying to get rid of them. And I want to make a point, I am not in love, I have not fallen, I wont admit to anything. Not to myself any way. I will just say that there are some "slightly uncomfortable" bubbles flying around and not letting me go to sleep.
The thing is that this hole "springtimefeelingsthingy" is all wrong.
I have looked up to hen of many years now, actually as long as I have known hen and never ever in my wildest dreams would I have thought of this development.
I really don't have the time.
I want to be self sufficient and not dependent on anyone.
I don't want a normative relationship, which in this case wont be a problem.
This all takes focus away from whats important in my life right now, my studies.
I look outside my window as I'm writing and it's snowing so there can't actually be any spring time thingy, can there?
This person is very impotent to me and I want to become even better friends.
I am terribly afraid.
I feel like a total fool, running around not being able to concentrate, finding myself staring into thin air and acting like a fourteen year old girl again. Horrible!
So thats the logical part of me. Saying "stay away! Run! Get out when you still got the chance....!" and to forth and so on. My heart/gut/stomach is saying lots of other fuzzy warm and embarrassing stuff. But what I can't figure out is the middle ground. The so called wise mind. The brain and heart are fighting all over the place and it's getting incessantly worse by the minute. So what to do?
This is exactly what I didn't need right now. I want to focus on the art, become one with it. I'm so tired of always letting my emotions getting in the way of what I want to do. Or not letting me know whats really me. I would love to have a life without social contact, only living for the art. Or in my naive fantasies that is the way to go. But I know that it's totally unrealistic. Of course I need human contact(and want it!!), friends and a life outside of school. It's just really annoying when I'm in class and my thoughts start to drift away and having me see everything through thick pink glasses. Horrifying. Why me? I don't want to! I didn't ask for this.
I have been trying now, with no actual success, to get rid of all the uncomfortable bubbles. And it wont work. A huge part of me is irritated, hates it all and just wants to cut all contact with hen. The other part is looking at the butterflies and having a ball. What to do? Who should I listen to? Where is my wise mind?
But I know, deep down inside, that I don't want the friendship to end. I want this person in my life. I just don't know how to do it without getting to involved. So once again, what to do? And do I really not what to get all tangled up?
Song of the night: Nine Inch Nails - Just like you Imagined (All instrumental and utterly beautiful noisy parts. I especially love the "hard core" piano parts.)
Addictions: Travel + Hitch hiking, tea, art, dance, larp, play, cartwheels, my cell phone, music, the road, computers n' internet
Politics: Green-Veggie-Queer-Anarchist-Socialist
Loves: Animals&Nature, dark chocolate, warm hands, Urban Exploration, hitch-hiking, demonstarting, creating stuff/art, dancing, runnin' through the grass bare feet, adventures
Hates: to freeze, winter, autumn, losing control, my conscience, Falling in Love
Scared of: insects, the dark, Pennywise the Clown, Losing control, deep water, meat, freedom of will and not having freedom of will, the entrapment of a "relationship" (I'm a Relationship Anarchist), capitalism
Massive Attack, Queen, AFI, Takida, CombiChrist, Björk, Coheed & Cambria, Lacuna Coil, Deine Lakain, Bush, Pink, Rammstein+Tatu-kombo, Juli, Covenant, VNV Nation, Soulfly, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Silbermond, K-pist, Tool, Stabbing Westward, Within Temptation, Smashing Pumkins, The Used, Skillet, Architecture in Helsinki, Säkert!, Detektivbyrån, Fall out boy, Kate Nash, Freak Kitchen, Hello Saferide, Gwen Stefani, Eskalator, GoGol Bordello, Muse, Fall out boy, Shout Out Louds, Antony and the Johnsons, Blink 182, Rage agains the machine, Skunk Anansie, Arcade Fire, Silverchair, Kent, Dntl, Kora, Minuit, Sidewalk, Ladi 6, Lykke Li, Lamb, Lama, Stay Ali, Dubstep+Drum&bass, Mint Royal, Sigur Rós, Fat Freddy's Drop, Katchafire, The Black Seeds, Sidewalk, Joel&Joakim... and much more.
