isobelll - with 3 l

I thought I'd give you a private tour of my little head today. I should warn you though, there's heaps of whining, negative thoughts and the occasional sour comment.

Feels like I'm banging my head against the wall, going around in circles. I just can't seem to move on. But I guess Zhe has, untagged us (ha, yeah I know I'm thirteen) in one of our pictures. So why keep on dreaming?

A pessimist confronted with two bad options will chose both. 
A realist confronted with two bad options knows better then 
to chose and will whine "when" they both occur.

Guess which one I am?

The "Quote" is made up by me, feel free to come up with a better phrase or comment. However, I got inspired by Smithis blog. 

Completely unmotivated to everything the past week. Spending way to much time in my little room, my little cocoon. Rapped up in my thoughts and an overdose (is that even possible?) of Gilmore Girls. Winter time in Sweden, yay? Nope. Even though I must admit - the snow is absolutely beautiful. That winter wonder land outside my window is just a bit to much to handle though. Everything is frozen in time. My (non existing) relationship with Zhe. My friends back in Göteborg which I so wanna see again but rather not hitch below zero again (1900 kilometres was quite enough). Sweden is lovely in the summer but the rest of the year? Nah, I so (need?) wanna get out of here. And out of my sour feeling sorry for myself mood. Humpf.

Give me a job and I'm yours, Baby! 

Picture: Zhe's picture which hir untagged us from.
The Winter Wonder Land - The playground I where I usually hang out in summer time.

Soundtrack: Well, its a bit embarrassing but I've come to appreciate all sorts of different music over the last year so here it is, soundtrack of the day is, behold, Beyoncé - Halo. Cause there's nothing like a Queer dance floor to change your mind. Got picked up by a cute girl at last summers Gay underwear party at Högkvarteret (or it got turned into that club later on). Thanks! Today its dedicated, oh my... You'll never guess? [Blank]

Nightmare: Yup. Can't remember what it was about but know I had some.

Enough whining for today.

I absolutely can't stand it! It drives me nuts when people give me the silent treatment either in IRL fights, throw other means of communication or just because they forgot. I Can't stand it! When fighting I need to know that the other one is there, that the person is reacting to what I'm saying and not just letting me babble about. It feels like I have to fill the silence with something, often more yelling. And I really can't even begin to tell you how much I hate having fights when the other person hasn't got the nerve to tell me that I'm wrong. Of course I'll get even angrier at the time but then I can at least get over it and try to understand and calm down.

Oh, but there's more to the silent treatment. Like when people you care about, a lot, just forget to contact you at all. I'm so tired of being the one who's always txting people. Oh, I know I've got that whole issue with being a txt addict and I know I'm absolutely horrible at replying mails on time or at all. But please pretty please, don't shout me out of your life. Not to mention the people you know haven't forgot about you but just "don't have the time" or are just real bad at replying txt's. Humpf.


And while writing this I might mention that I've got a real nasty little voice at the back of my head saying "Oh, little one. Don't you know? They aren't giving you the silent treatment at all, they simply just couldn't care enough to bother talking to you..."
Is that the truth?

Oh, and I also hate to fact that I've some how gotten more and more private on the blog even though I probably shouldn't. Scared about posting, scared about not posting and just keeping a happy smile and scared about... oh, you know me, just about everything guess. Ha, nah I'm not that "strong and stubborn girl" a lot of people might think. I'm just good at pretending and "Fake it 'til ya make it!".

Gosh, I should really start taking my own advice. Putting the mantra "Fake it 'til ya make it" in a cheerful voice on repeat. Good one.

Picture from a exhibition in Copenhagen earlier this year.

Colder nights, real windy and before you know it - Autumn will be here. And my panic with it. I thought I could stand the cold this time, I thought I could handle the darkness but I'm thinking I might be fooling myself. Just another method of calming my nerves, not having a place to live or anything to do really. It feels like my entire being is in chaos. Just as always I might point out - there is always a certain amount of chaos in my life but when it turns sour... It feels like I'm running away if I give up on Sweden at the moment, not having fulfilled the stuff I needed to do here (trying to find out what my sexuality is, learning to say no and getting my body to function properly again?). But as soon as I start to feel that cold wind upon my skin I can feel the old panic setting in. Soon the leafs will have turned in all shades of red and die. I need to have green around me, I need to be able to see that summer fresh green every day.

But the biggest fear of it all is that with the Fall coming it means that reality is coming, the cold dark one that hits you in the head and says its time to grow up. Its time to get going with your life. I've worked so hard to get rid of all of that. Please don't make me go back there. I'm scared shitless of a 9-5 job, a stylish apartment with a long term lease and a steady partner. Thatäs what everyone else calls life - I call it prison or maybe even hell.



The fucking larp is as always taking up way to much of my energy and commitment. I really just want to run away, now.

Scared. Silent panic.

Music of the day: Spirited away soundtrack

I'm sorta' getting ill again. Surprise? Nope. The larp I'm going to in a week is all fucked up and I've got way more to do then I'm ok with. Lots of shitty things happening outside the larp itself, people not liking each other and that stuff. Grr.

Still no home, no job but maybe maybe a place where I can have some practical training which allows me to look for more work and get some references. Holding every thumb I can find. Bubbles and confusion everywhere. Stress. Food doesn't really seam to be a good idea at the moment, including sleep which I've rarely got time for. Still in a total state of "fuck - the festival week with all my friends has come to an end" and missing everyone.

A total confusion on sexuality or being close to people. Not much different from yesterday I guess. Just a tad more stressful.

Enough whining for today, chaotic life. Yay! I'm somewhat surprised that I'm not falling yet. Keep the good work up? Hoping for it.

Music of the day: Mint Royal (Thx to Electroboy)

Its a messy weird place, up there in my head. I just wanna quite and run away again. Is that's way I love the road so much? I've got no clue. I just know that the weather, the people and the sofa I call my home isn't quite where my heart is. Even though I've got no fucking clue where that is. I need something new. I need to know whats gonna happen next, what I would like to do when the leafs turn red. I need to know what happens when I've run out of favours and money all together. What the fuck am I gonna do about money? Or am I gonna be able to pull it of like Dylan has, totally without? My head is a messy fucked-up place when my heart has gone to sleep.

I ran around in the rain yesterday, made cartwheels and felt the cold water licking my feet as I jumped around bare-feet through the puddles. I was happy then, excited about the small things and my future, I guess I should know better then to trust people. And I should know better then to run around in the rain, I'm 26 and should also know what I would want to do with my life. But most importantly I should know that if I'm really happy my fall with be so much bigger. But last and the thing I should be listening to, its not all that bad. I know its just one of my mood swings and nothing to get all worked up about. Chill.


Song of the day: Tina Dickow - On The Run (live acoustic)
Which I heard the first time at a concert in Copenhagen with Charles. (The Cute Danish Guy)


Oh, and I did fall that night. But I got "sober" again just a few days later and realized that all "Men" are idiots. And are just to be kept as friends. But I had a sweet tie that night, at the Tivoli in Copenhagen.

We stumbled upon a show that was so cute! These guys made us laugh so bad but were so good!

My home is the road, the one that you all walk upon and at the end of the day leave - without even saying goodbye. This is where I live, where I learn. And I'm back on it. I stayed in Stockholm for almost 2 weeks after a week at my mums, where I'm at right now (again). I do really like it in Stockholm but I suffer from a rather normal addiction which most people can handle but I can't seam to control - itchy feet. I need to feel the road under my feet. I'm addicted to it. Worse then sugar, nicotine or fucking for confidence.

So I'm back home, back on my road. On Thursday I'll be hitting Göteborg, Halmstad on Friday, Malmö on Sunday and Hamburg on Monday. Tuesday to Friday I'll be in Hanover saying hi to my aunty (and maybe even my dad? Wow, its been... a long fucking time. I cant remember the last time I saw him). Getting back on the road again to hit Copenhagen and "The cute Danish Guy" (Shit I really gotta find a better nick name for him) and hopefully participating in a larp on Saturday. Wow, this is way to much planing, I usually don't do it this way but I had the luck (my luck again, yay!) that I found someone going to both Göteborg this week and hitting Germany next week. So why the hell not? And if you're around the places I'll be hitting, come out and play!!


I still need somewhere in Malmö I can crash for a night? And oh, while you're ad it - being all helpful and so on - got any job or school for me?? Did I mention that I hate this fucking "not our fault you bloody idiots" financial crisis? Not our fault being us poor once and blaming it all, ignorant but true, on the idiots sitting there with huge amounts of imaginary money playing monopoly with the world economy. Bluntly but honestly - Fuck you!

I spent most of last week away from reality, hiding in a self pity place with a bad cold and once again being confronted with the idiocy of a female body, gah! I hate it! OK, I like being a woman, I've got no problem with that one - but the physical body? Well, I could have done without some stuff that always wants to act up, at least once a month and all the hormonal shit that comes along with it. Not to mention the fact of breast cancer, or other female orientated cancer. I've checked it out and with about 100% probability I'll be getting one of them by the time I hit 40 - if not sooner. Gah! I'm just glad that I never wanted children cause when I found out (about 10 years ago??) that it runs in the family I decided that I'd never get them. So its even more annoying each month having to bleed like a pig/cry like a baby/hormonal hell/pain!! without a real reason other then the pure pleasure of a (malfunctioning?) female body. I've decided that when I hit 30 or there abouts, I'll get rid of the breast - take out what's inside and put some other shit in - and hopefully get rid of my uterus too. Once I'm out they might as well take the whole lot. Enough of the whining for now.

Avoiding to get ill, getting that cold thats irritating the back of my throat. After trying the secret weapon number one, A tip from Mr. E and Cat I've now moved on to my second attack strategy. Which is also known for its sometimes lethal consequences. So hang tight, and get me that Honey!

Secret weapon number 1:
Take a Zinc tablet and put it under your lip, dissolving for about half a day as soon as you feel that cold knocking on your door. Several other sources report success even if the side effects of a metal taste in your mouth and a slight burning under the lip aren't exactly pleasant.

Secret weapon number 2:
This elixir can be quite dangerous, I take no responsibility for the effects.
Recipe: The juice of a pressed lemon and as much chopped garlic as you think you can handle or others close to you. Then add the secret weapon, Cayenne Pepper - Slightly more then you'd prefer. And last but not least, for your own comfort and making sure that you can drink this horrible mixture at all - honey.

Song of the day: Tool - Die Eier von Satan

Why can't people live in the moment? Why can't everyone be a relationship anarchist? Why does everything have to be so serious, either everything or nothing? I can't change into a standard "one on one" relationship, can't promise I'd be "faithful" as the "normal" people would express it. I'm faithful in the true, or for me true, sense of the word. I don't forget people just because I'm hanging out with someone new, I love more then one cause every relationship is unique. Every friendship, everyone you care about their all unique and beautiful. What's the fucking thing with monogamy and ownership? I've tried so many times and I just can't do the hole "I'll be yours forever and wont feel like I'm in a prison"-thing. Its not that I want to sleep around I just cant handle the fact that someone has the power to say that I couldn't. So I had a fight with a dear friend of mine about that today. Hey, I've been honest from the beginning. And its not about the person I talked of in the last post.

Anyhow, of to a pirate party now and hoping that will take my mind of thing.

Music tips: Nine inch nails - home

So Killing all the bubbles might actually be working. Not as well as I hoped it will, but it's a start. The meeting yesterday went ok, or no. I felt really uncomfortable but at least now it's over and I didn't run away without closure.

But before that I went to the doctors or more specificity the dietician office. They were suppose to help me with getting a good diet that my body and brain could accept. Vego and everything. But no. Instead I only got to hear that as a vego you can't get enough protein and she said that is most likely comes from my muscles. So I will get even weaker and be really tired all of the time. Ok, thats me but there has to be some other way!

The conversation went something like this:
Dietician: "So you wont eat meat?"
Me: "No, I belive it's one of the roots to all evil and its rather nasty for the environment"
Dietician: "... but you can eat eggs?"
Me: "Uhm, the chicken industry is horrible if you haven't noticed...?"
Dietician: " But what about fish or do you feel sorry for them as well??"
Me: "The have a spine, they feel pain!"
Dietician: "But could you drink 2 liters of milk every day?"
Me: "I try not to use dairy products in those quantities and soya milk is quite expansive."
Dietician: "If you get injured you wont heal with your diet, you do know that?"

To prove her point I guess, I again overslept this morning. I just didn't realize that the irritating noise was my alarm going off trying desperately to wake me up.

Nanowo, my pet rat, is still alive but barely. Sometimes he is up and about, not being quite the same as before but still. Walking slowly around at the bottom of his big cage and at other times he doesn't even react when I start petting him. I think he has gone blind or had a stroke or something. He is not himself anymore and I don't know what to do. I just miss him and hate seeing him this way. Kaminari on the other hand is growing bigger and stronger by the minute. Running around and being all cuddly.

Current trak: Silence with a taint of pretty irritating noise coming from the computer