isobelll - with 3 l

This is the worst idea ever! But it might just have been the medicine the doctor ordered... I'm really scared of the dark and all that shit so taking a sweet walk though the city with a horde of Zombies just doesn't feel right. But I did. Maybe cause I wanted to overcome my fear. But the important part was to show my support to anything that's happening on the streets, anything that makes people leave their home and have some fun outside - with people they don't even know.

So I bought the necessary ingredients and mixed my own fake blood. 45 minutes later I had "the perfect shade of red" or rather I had run out of food dye, time and got tired of mixing in both acrylic and pigments to get the right tone. So all of us hit the bathroom mirrors and splashed (slashed?) us some sweet (yeah, syrup was the main ingredient) blood on ourselves and hit town.

I might be able to handle Zombies from now on, at least a bit better but fuck - even though I was a part of the walk the others freaked me out anyways. And I tried to scare the crowd but one of them said "Buh!" and I almost screamed and tried to scare him back. Might have tried to hard though, sorry for that.

Hardest part was staying serious while we all were moaning down the street and when a guy said "Swineflu" I cracked up. Hearing "Thriller" get blasted over a town square near the end of the walk was kinda hilarious too. The only real negative critique I've got is that the walk was way to long, took about 2 hours? Something like that and it was way to cold. Even though Zombies don't freeze, I do.

And as I got home and looked myself in the mirror, yaiks...!! Decided to give the Zombie party a try and to my surprise they played Dubstep in the little underground (normally Medieval) bar and I hit the dance floor. So I got just as disappointed when the next DJ came on and had the normal boring industrial EMB, no thanks. Had a pretty sweet night though, accidentally scared a girl on the subway. Oopps... No I'm sorry. Its not my real Blood, I feel just fine thank you. Just a bit dead.

Nightmares? Nope. I know, I'm real proud too.






Soundtrack: Michael Jackson - Thriller

The Happy Visby gang from this summer, with newcomers and missed one's, meet up for the annual "Visby Culture Night" to catch up and party hard. Yay us! These things usually never happen even if you say "oh, we are really gonna try and see each other again." But we did. And we even managed to complete the mission that we set out to do, so many months before. So here it goes and I really do hope I wont get into trouble cause of this.

I've been way to busy to write anything here, up and down just as usual I guess. I've been out on the road to lots of different events and festivals for the last month. To a larp which sucked in the game way but I had a couple of great experiences and meet some beautiful people. It was called Tueolenas Port and was in a fantasy setting - I'm so over larping in those worlds but as I said, the people - you know who you are - made my larp. =)

When I got home I got back on track with the cold I got on the Arvika Festival, of course. And as I thought that I'd concurred that one I hitched down to Göteborg to meet up with the crew from the larp. Worked at a Medieval festival, lived in a trailer from the not so great parts of the sixties? With 6 people, crammed in and of course we had to be the White Trash gang. Fuck, I'm so in love with all of these crazy lovin' beautiful people who just adopted me into their crew and as the festival progressed they even made a official (?) welcoming ceremony that went something like this; after drinking way to much of G's Whisky I tumbled around with one of the boys having a play-fight when Electroboy pins me down, G sits on the other side looking the other arm and Charms gets on top and starts pouring wine in my mouth - "Welcome to Gothenburg!!". And if I hadn't laughed all the way I'd probably would have been really pissed of - but I love these guys! Ha! I've sworn revenge though. Watch out!

Hitched back to Stockholm where I fell down on the couch and got real ill again, this time I went to the doctor - got real strong medicine and went blank for the two weeks. Gah! Fucking cold! Morphine, bad as painkillers and penicillin. Choho??

But as the Pride Festival in Stockholm was booming in the streets I'd gotten all better again and partied as much as my somewhat torn body would allow and even meeting some pretty girls, yum! You know who you are ;p.

Packing my gear again I went back in time once more and to an island outside of Sweden named Gotland to the Medieval city called Visby where there's an absolutely fantastic festival every year. A week filled with Medieval music, everyone is dressed up and partying all week long. I sold a lot of my gloves that I've been needlebinding.

Finally confirmed that the bubbles I'd been feeling for the last few weeks for a person were way to real. Fuck this! I'm not game. I'd decided to go against all festival scene, the same as I've made as a rule all summer long, and had a no sex rule for myself (which I on occasion don't give a fucking rats ass about). To much shit is going on. Way to queer, way to insecure with what I want in bed to even try and get my head wrapped around it at the moment. I just know that I'm not game for the heterosexual stuff anymore even though I've seam to have no problems falling for boys I'd rather not have sex with them or I'd rather they take care of "that one down there" on their own, kinda. Or what the fuck, I don't know anymore. Wierd. So what about the "Real Men" - uhm... No way!!

I just got back this morning from Gotland and am way to emotional and messed up to really be writing anything that makes sence I guess. The party's, the people, the hanging out, the shows. Living in an absolutely fabulous flat that was in a total state of Hippieness all week long complete with sauna after party's. The White trash/Göteborgs gang, the Arabs and all the rest... Gah! I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you all. And yes, as you might have guessed at this state of no sleep I am actually having way to many tears in my eyes to write this shit. Fuck missing people!

What sucks even more is that summer is nearly over, its gonna be warm for a bit longer but reality is gonna hit me at the latest in about two weeks even though its really close now. And I haven't got a clue of what the fuck I'm gonna do with my life. I don't have anywhere to live, no job and no school. What to do? I really don't know. So I guess its back on the road? Well if I don't find anything soon I'll be leaving again I guess but that would feel more like I was running away and not going to something. And btw, it doesn't feel like I'm "back" in Sweden - this is where I need to be at the moment to get a grip of my life. This is me going forward, thank you. And no, I'm not done travelling. I've just realised that something's need to be sorted out with friends close by and in a environment that doesn't hate woman, non heterosexuals and veggies.

Music of the day: Evanescence (with all of its tears, with all of its fake goth shit going directly into my vein's.)
Bubble of the day: Confidential.
Pictures will come up later, I just have to run and find that hug from Cat right now...

The pressure was on! Come on, give me the last day! And you failed? What? I fell asleep to "Anna Ternheim" who's real sweet but way to slow for a festival, didn't even bother going to Jenny Wilson cause I knew it was gonna be sort of the same. Then the third girl started singing with one of those cute voices and I almost went berserk. I would have if I wasn't so tired. Even to tired to go to "Mustasch" and I saw some of "Fleet Foxes" which was really nice but once again way to slow.

Thåström was really nice though, even if he was slow as fuck too.

I woke up a 8 AM in a boiling tent, with sweet sunshine and a need for a bath. Our camp went to the close by sea and went swimming even though it didn't make a lot of difference - the water was 26 C!! Spent some time with my mum and ad a huge pizza =). As she left I started drinking and the first show of the day was Welle:Erdball. I'd seen them before but this time they were really good, the show was cool and it brought back lots of memories. And in the middle of the show they added lots of pink balloons that went bumping throw the audience - sweet!

So I went to the Arvika Festival and - of course - had a blast. Not as I thought it would be but real good anyways. I stayed clear from almost all the flirting and concentrated on the music and my camp.

I was lucky enough to drive a small bus from Stockholm to Arvika which was great, only problem was that even though a guy knew that we were going the wrong way didn't say anything. So we made a D-tour that took about 2 ? hours? Gah! But once we got there everything was sweet. The bus was used as Depeche Modes transportation the following day =). But I didn't drive it.

So the Acts? Wow! They were great!

The Festival stated of with having a huge hug with my mum, drinking champagne and going to see one of my favourite bands "Detektivbyrån". Yay!

Me as Mother Tyra at the larp, Kalle Lanzt is the fabulous photographer!

I'm promising to report back later but the status right now is that I've come home from Tueonelas Port which was a larp, loved and hated it at the same time and am going - ridiculously early - to the Arvika festival tomorrow morning to see Nine Inch Nails, Depeache Mode and Korn amongst others. And NIN with my Mummy!! So I'm coming back to ya about everything later on, as soon as I'm back in town.=)

Today's Song: Pencil in the Wind Flight of the Conchords
Today's Person: Esa who made my larp!

I was gonna meet up with a friend (for lack of better description) in Christchurch, we were gonna check out Mount Cook together and even though I wasn't quite sure about the situation I'd been persuaded with the "sugerdaddy" method (which means "Come along, I'll pay for all and don't want anything form you"). But as I hitched into the Christchurch I found out that he'd already left which I was quite grateful for in the end expect I didn't have anywhere to stay - again. Free camping in the middle of the city? Auhm, let me think about it... No!!

Couch surfing seamed to be the only way but no one replied, of course, on such short notice. And once again I contacted Angel, my former couch surfing host and friend in Christchurch. But he sadly didn't have anywhere for me to stay since he was living with his family again, sharing a room with his brother (one was working a day shift and Angel was working nights). Shit! What to do? But just a few minutes later I got another txt from him saying that if I wanted I could crash in his mums car that would be parked outside his work while he was doing the night shift, awesome!

Angel and me went to a party before he had to go to work and I decided that hitting the dance floor would be a perfect idea on a Friday night so when Angel surfed he night shift I surfed the clubs. But gah! No good dance club do be found, no drum&bass! What the fuck? I think I tried something like 5 places until I gave up. I was just about to leave when I saw someone that looked, by the way he dressed, like he might know just the club for me. He didn't but persuaded me to stay by dancing real cute and NOT hitting on me, or well he was but not in the heterosexual guy aggressive manner. And we danced until the club closed at 5 am. Puh! After finally being able to talk and hearing the other person, without the music that is, I found out that he was a working artist who actually made his living painting. Cool! Of course I got very inspired and we talked heaps of art stuff... More in Part 2.

This weekend was all about the partying.

Note to self: Tequila is always a bad idea, especially on a Sunday!

There was a party in Stoke on Saturday which is a place a bit outside of Nelson but I think it's still a part of it. Either way, it was a really cool house on top of a hill with a view over the hole town. Small little lights everywhere. The only problem with going to parties down here is that there doesn't seam to be anyone in my own age having a good time. On Saturday they where barely 18, cute, fun and all of that but tiny! Last night they might have been a bit older but not much. The advantage is that nobody takes me for 25, the lowest guess I've gotten is 19! Fuck, 19? Do I really look that young? I get ID 'd everywhere but I guess I should take it as a compliment.

Last night was a trip back in time for me, a Goth theme party! Yay! They all seam to be nerds which in this case was the best thing that could have happened, some of them actually know what a Larp is or free form role playing games. I might just be able to find some people to terrorize down here after all. Desperately need to do some impro. I'm so happy that I found the contact impro dance class. We even had live music to Saturdays jam session!

But the weekend was great fun even if I got a huge hangover today. And yes I am in school, don't know how much I'm actually doing today but I'm here at least. The ideal hangover day for me will always be watching Desperate Housewives with Kazai, eating taco and falling asleep which basically means that he has to explain what happened when it's over. So where are you hun?

The Cat kept me company and helped me through the worst part of the night, she's just so sweet! I'm still very much in love with my new place and am getting settled in. But there are a couple of things I'd never thought I miss. (besides form all the obvious stuff like friends, family and of course Stockholm.)

1. Bread. Real bread, dark, rich, the kind that will make you full and happy.
2. The language. Speaking both German and Swedish, my tongue is going nuts with all the English.
3. The subway, here we don't even need busses. It truly is a small place.

Music: Nine Inch Nails - Right where it belongs
Artists of the Day: Erwin Wurm , Banksy
Google them for more cool stuff.

So I must confess, I'm totally and utterly in love. And that might be a reason why I haven't had the time to blog. And that everything is kinda hectic, but in a good way, right now. Which is kinda inconvenient in time consuming way and of course that I'm leaving in a couple of months. But the relationship anarchy theory is working a lot better than I hopped.

So Solmukohta was absolutely fantastic! The best thing about it was my total sense of freedom. I could do what I wanted, didn't have to wait for anyone, try to explain why I wanted to go to this or that seminar or stay up way to late. It was just me and of course lots of beautiful, funny, lovely friends. Having the time of my life!

Saturday was my favorite. It started off with "Listening dramatics", a seminar/workshop on how to listen and work together at larps to create contacts between characters that otherwise would have been missed. It ended with a great exorcise and lots of inner thoughts about why I love to Larp.

Next up was a mini Larp called "Tango for two". We worked in pairs and played for a couple of hours, where one of us was the conscience and the other one was the present real character. Like a director and the actor but in a different setting. New technics on how to push each other in different directions and keep going when it gets hard.

Contact improvisation was a magical moment The hole day was about interactive and improvising with play, exorcises and theatre. Moving, playing and expressing emotions while dancing is one of my favorite seminaries. I absolutely love it and have started to actually crave dancing. Can't sit still, need to move, feel and live. I need more!

We went by boat to Finland on Thursday and been partying every night until Monday morning when we finally got home. The traditional gala dinner was in a sci-fi theme this year, with costumes and all of course. So I borrowed Cats cyborg eye. Couldn't see anything on one side but it looked great! Thanks Cat!

Last weekend we played "Sartre", a larp with the gang from "a nice evening with the family" larp last summer. A strange and lovely larp were we kept on pushing the directors and characters in different situations. This gives the game a totally new experience and adds on so many levels but is really hard to explain.

I have meet a some artist over the last days and I'm so inspired that I don't really know where to start and when to stop. My kitchen is now a working space, as the rest of my shoe box apartment and a huge wire art piece is hanging from the ceiling. The problem isn't that I can hardly get around it or that it makes me lose contact with time while working on it, it's that the space is to small. The ceiling is not high enough and I really don't know how to solve that one, or where I shall store it?! Well, I have to get it done first.

Just came back from my first Inlines tour of the year, it felt like I never stopped and feeling the wind in my face while speeding on made me feel alive. Today was a good one. Thanks to the good looking company as well.

Artist of the day: Florentijn Hofman When I grow old I wanna be a great artist just like him, or thats at least the "WOW!!" kinda thoughts that pass through my head while looking at his art.

Song of the day: Nine Inch Nails - The great Destroyer

If you look at the time this has been posted you have to understand that will understand that I have had another late night out partying. After a long walk/talk with a special person I was all bubbled up and had to get my thoughts raped around something else, but hen wouldn't get out of my head.

And I'm saying hen, which is a finish (I belive) is the expression if your not defining the gender, this is to protect the persons integrity.

I think the bubbles are actually trying to kill me. As I said in a previous post about friendship there are always bubbles involved in the beginning. And some of them feel all warm and fuzzy. The problem is when they start to turn pink and wont pop when your trying to get rid of them. And I want to make a point, I am not in love, I have not fallen, I wont admit to anything. Not to myself any way. I will just say that there are some "slightly uncomfortable" bubbles flying around and not letting me go to sleep.

The thing is that this hole "springtimefeelingsthingy" is all wrong.

1. I have looked up to hen of many years now, actually as long as I have known hen and never ever in my wildest dreams would I have thought of this development.
   
2. I really don't have the time.
3. I want to be self sufficient and not dependent on anyone.
4. I don't want a normative relationship, which in this case wont be a problem.
5. This all takes focus away from whats important in my life right now, my studies.
6. I look outside my window as I'm writing and it's snowing so there can't actually be any spring time thingy, can there?
7. This person is very impotent to me and I want to become even better friends.
   
8. I am terribly afraid.
   
9. I feel like a total fool, running around not being able to concentrate, finding myself staring into thin air and acting like a fourteen year old girl again. Horrible!
   

So thats the logical part of me. Saying "stay away! Run! Get out when you still got the chance....!" and to forth and so on. My heart/gut/stomach is saying lots of other fuzzy warm and embarrassing stuff. But what I can't figure out is the middle ground. The so called wise mind. The brain and heart are fighting all over the place and it's getting incessantly worse by the minute. So what to do?

This is exactly what I didn't need right now. I want to focus on the art, become one with it. I'm so tired of always letting my emotions getting in the way of what I want to do. Or not letting me know whats really me. I would love to have a life without social contact, only living for the art. Or in my naive fantasies that is the way to go. But I know that it's totally unrealistic. Of course I need human contact (and want it!!), friends and a life outside of school. It's just really annoying when I'm in class and my thoughts start to drift away and having me see everything through thick pink glasses. Horrifying. Why me? I don't want to! I didn't ask for this.

I have been trying now, with no actual success, to get rid of all the uncomfortable bubbles. And it wont work. A huge part of me is irritated, hates it all and just wants to cut all contact with hen. The other part is looking at the butterflies and having a ball. What to do? Who should I listen to? Where is my wise mind?

But I know, deep down inside, that I don't want the friendship to end. I want this person in my life. I just don't know how to do it without getting to involved. So once again, what to do? And do I really not what to get all tangled up?

Song of the night: Nine Inch Nails - Just like you Imagined (All instrumental and utterly beautiful noisy parts. I especially love the "hard core" piano parts.)