Colder nights, real windy and before you know it - Autumn will be here. And my panic with it. I thought I could stand the cold this time, I thought I could handle the darkness but I'm thinking I might be fooling myself. Just another method of calming my nerves, not having a place to live or anything to do really. It feels like my entire being is in chaos. Just as always I might point out - there is always a certain amount of chaos in my life but when it turns sour... It feels like I'm running away if I give up on Sweden at the moment, not having fulfilled the stuff I needed to do here (trying to find out what my sexuality is, learning to say no and getting my body to function properly again?). But as soon as I start to feel that cold wind upon my skin I can feel the old panic setting in. Soon the leafs will have turned in all shades of red and die. I need to have green around me, I need to be able to see that summer fresh green every day.
But the biggest fear of it all is that with the Fall coming it means that reality is coming, the cold dark one that hits you in the head and says its time to grow up. Its time to get going with your life. I've worked so hard to get rid of all of that. Please don't make me go back there. I'm scared shitless of a 9-5 job, a stylish apartment with a long term lease and a steady partner. Thatäs what everyone else calls life - I call it prison or maybe even hell.
The fucking larp is as always taking up way to much of my energy and commitment. I really just want to run away, now.
Scared. Silent panic.
Music of the day: Spirited away soundtrack
3 comments:
Autumn is the time for fruition, for plans to come to a close, and for fullfillment. During late autumn, endings. And winter, also: a time for endings, and for cleaning out, for resting, for the first cautious plans. Then spring, with new energy, new life, starts and beginnings, and summer, living life to the fullest - as you seem to have done.
Without this view, I would go mad. I never seem to take care of summer, to live as I should during those precious months. Maybe it can help you. Maybe not.
But I do know, you will not "end up" in the Ordinary Life Thing. It's not going to happen. And if you find yourself there, chances are the next day you'll be out of it, by own volition and action. I, too, avoid that like the plague. That is why I said "no thank you" when offered to step up to full-time. If something should be right, you'll probably go with it; if not, well...
But, and now I am bold and taking a liberty here, people such as us, for we are alike in some respects, at least, though by no means all, the society as it is, is not for us. We do not fit in, our ways, our choices, our insecurities and minds. The way we must live to feel good, we cannot, for then, we cannot feed ourselves, will never have roof over our head.
If I could, I would give you a focus, a strong point to where you could always turn to find if nothing else, simple solace, for a moment. I have my iaido, my martial art. I am lucky. But fear not, wild one, you won't get stuck. I'm absolutely certain about that. You are going to find ways, but you're definitely not supposed to be one of those that are content with 9-5dogapartmentcarandheteronormativerelationship. If a definition is a must, you already are one of the "others". Which is right awesome.
I may be an oddjob and not one you've known for long, but I am always willing to listen. Whine or complain or just gush, I do not mind.
Problem, kris eller kaos är många gånger en bra förutsättning, ibland tom ett måste för kreativa lösningar och förändringar. Och folk som inte hamnar där, det är ju dem med 5-9 jobb!
Du behöver alltså inte få panik därför att det här nog är en del av ditt liv. Du är ingen 9-5 och kommer aldrig att bli det! Ta nu fram dina begåvningar, lyssna på din mage och dina fötter. Beslutsångesten kommer att gå över, bara du noga lyssnar på dig själv!
Sitter under din tröja!
thx for your warm and lovin' comments, I really need them! And nope, I wont be one of the ordinary people - way to far out on the other side already. Even though I sometimes wish I could just play their game and be all happy about it. But fuck nah!