Almost but not entirely. Finally inspired and working hard on assignments, art and the rest. Found a place to spend some time WWOOFing, my favourite place that I applied for too! Getting quite worried about money, work and all of the normal stuff. But am hoping for the very best. Making travel arrangements in my head,. For those who know me will now say something along the line with "don't worry girl, it will all prove to be ok in the end!" But things like "how many pair of socks, what's the container for that item and how will I find a couch anywhere if I can't plan even the first stop" are things that wont stop twirling around upstairs.
I've also been a really good and mature girl and gotten myself a pair of reading glasses, when did I get old? I blame my poor genes but its actually a lot easier to read and I'm not glued to the screen any more. That's reason enough for doing something really stupid, like go out and get way to drunk (the somewhat usual weekend ritual). Need to get those "grown up" points back down. "I wont grow up!" - Peter Pan and me.
I leave you with a picture form last weekends dance party, my beloved "State of Mind" came to Nelson and played for us all at the Phat Club. And I wore my new favourite dress which looks a lot like something Pippi Longstocking might be in to.
Again with these fricking Relationship Anarchy thoughts. But I just can't stop thinking about this bit, how can you call someone property? Or that's what someone has to be reduced to when someone else is stealing them?
For example; A likes B but B isn't interested any more and want to "play" with C. Now A acuses C of stealing B form A. But doesn't B have thoughts and feelings of their own?
Its said that friends come before anything but when is a friendship closer, when you share or when you steal? When you're filled with jealousy or with love? Simple questions to a somewhat difficult dilemma.
Where to go next, what to do? And when? How about this city, that activity, this farm or a nice couch? I've got no idea where I'm of to next. I just know I'm going somewhere in the last week of November or maybe the first of December. Bought a huge 90L backpack and a sleeping bag the other day. Can't decide if I'm gonna take Yvane (my laptop) with me or not, take the job offer from Greenpeace after new years and maybe go to Phat-09 (the big and expencive 4 day long dance party that's over new years). I've got no clue. The positive thing with the job is money, travel and working for Greenpeace. The bad thing is I'm stuck in NZ for the rest of the time and Aussie is out of the equation if I go down that path. But I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to get over there anyways. Time, money and so on... A travellers catch 22 - if you have the time you don't have the money and if you have the money you ain't got the time.
Had some really nice friends here from Sweden who actually found me throw the blog! The post way back where I was screaming at the top of my lungs that there were no larpers in NZ, ha. One of them were obviously here, she mailed me and it turned out that we'd already meet and played together in 2005 at Kejsartemplet. Fun times. The gang, 4 Swedish people, stayed 2 nights here with me and gah, it was so nice just speaking Swedish again and chatting about larp memories. And they left me some swedish candy and the beloved knäckebröd (a really hard bread that's almost like a cracker). Thanks guys and hope to see you soon again!
I showed them my favourite place yesterday, Queens Garden and got the photo I was assigned to do. Cat and me looked at heaps of pictures of Nelson before I came and the one of the bridge in QG got stuck in hens memories (the first photo) so I promised to get a photo to prove that I'd been there. This one is for you.
Otherwise my cold seams to be over, done some homework and other stuff but didn't get that feeling of accomplishment that I'm always working towards. Grr. Only 3 more weeks of school to go!
Getting further away from the my friends and family back in Sweden, at first it was 10 hours time difference, after we hit summertime it was 11 hours and now that Sweden is officially ready for winter its 12 hours. Easier to know what the time is over there but you feel even further away now then you did before.
Today's person: My mum who's healthy again! Music: Detektivbyrån Today's thanks: The Swedish gang for their time and company and M for the postcard that won in long time travelling VM. New blogs I'll be reading: Carina o Gunnar Tindra o Simon
I was suppose to go to the movies tonight but as I got to my friends house I realized that my coffin pills where out and I know that even in my best state I can NOT stay awake sitting still for 2h. So nah, went home again. Spinning and singing Björk, listening to the birds, feeling the shy spring warmth and looking up at a huge tree here outside my home in Victory Square. Its got a light shining up into the leafs which makes it look huge, wise and somewhat like Yggdrasil. And maybe it is. Who knows.
Btw, this is my room here in Nelson.
Music: Lars Winnerbäck Today's person: My Aunt who was home, surprised and talkative.
So I've been in NZ for three months but where is the Maori culture that I heard so much about and is so proudly presented in every pamphlet? The only thing I'm hearing are racist comments about how much trouble they make cause of them still hating "the new-comers". Which I have a real hard time believing. A lot of the names of places are in Maori, when you say "hi" a lot of the kiwi's (NZ people) go "Kia Ora" which means the same thing. But where is the rest? Is that it? Are there only tourist places left to visit and if that's the case I'm really scared. Come on people! The Britts came here 1839, have they really succeeded in whipping out the hole population? Scary!!
The picture is from our walk along the beach yesterday.
What's the plan? Well, I'm looking for more opportunity to work and travel around the south island until after new years. Then get a paying job and travel some more until I hopefully will return to Sweden in April for a bit. But things can and probably will change until then. Right now that sounds about good though. I've got travel brochures all over my bed and need to get more info too. If anyone has a "most see place" they would like to recommend I'd be happy to check it out!
I want to visit (not in any particular order) Kaikoura cause of the dolphins and whale watching, go back to Rotoroa, spend a few days in Auckland, go to PHAT 09 (huge dance festival at new years), Golden bay and abel tasman, river rafting, para gliding or skydiving or something like that, Queenstown and bungy jumping... Well, we'll see how much I can scweeze into my tiny brain and thin wallet. But its on the wish-list!
And I'm going to WWOOF if everything goes according to plan. Its where you in exchange for work get free accommodation and food at organic farms. There are all kinds of different farms out there, horse, artsy, hippie and more. I'm so eager to go and get to know the country!
And one further thought that hasn't got anything to do with anything. What's with the hole "get two for one" deal? Not in commercial things, I get that - we are getting screwed over and don't even understand it. But the thing where people constantly put up profile pictures of them with a lot of people around as if they were saying - "look, these people love me" or "I'm not alone" or "this is my partner, aren't we cute?". Can't you just be you? Besides, I can never figure out who is the real person and who the other ones are. Plus, I personally wouldn't want to be on someone else's profile picture for some site up on the net. Enough about that, but if you do know, please tell me!
... it didn't and my luck changed! I applied for jobs yesterday after the "fight" which actually inspired me to get the hell out of here. And four of the places have already come back to me! Looks like I will find work, somewhere to live and be able to stay n New Zealand for a few more months with somewhat of a plan. (And oh, don't tell isobelll (me) but there is a very very secret plan, one that might not come true if we talk about it).
So its finally looking up for me. Yes! And I had a great day at school, went to a poetry reading afterwards and went to the beach with friends to watch the sunset. Also got up to the observatory and saw the bright red sky and all of Nelson. Pretty!
All last week was a stream of bad luck and it seams to continue on into this one. After another shitty day at with mac problems, the bank issues and more from last week a friend (or I considered the person a friend) told me its better if we don't hang out, talk or whatever any more. Well, fuck this! I give up. I can't be bothered with more shit. Don't know what to do. How can I spin this around?
That was some of the music that we heard the other night and Drum&Bass is what we listen to mostly when we go out and dance, it a huge scene down here. But its really mint so I don't mind at all.
This track came on somewhere at the end at the Wellington gig and I thought I was gonna start to cry! If you listen closely you can hear that its Björk - all is full of love.
Björk - all is full of love
Another one of my new favourites is "The Black Seeds" and "Fat Freddys drop". They all sound a bit like "Kora" but again not. Check them out! Great NZ music!
Back from Wellington and out of that circle. Seams to me that was all that we needed, to get away. Finally. And Wellington was so cool! I loved being in a city again, concrete (I never thought I'd admit to that one), people and huge buildings. The buzz. And its a tiny city either way but huge compared to Nelson. We went to a good Drum&Bas gig, "State of Mind" on Saturday. Yay! That was after a hole day of tourist-ing, and the night before huge amounts of beer. I might add that we didn't really sleep while we were there. But that all good, you can sleep when you get home. Haha! My favourite was Cuba Street, one small but adorable street full of cafés, alternative shops, good food and alternative people.
Back in Nelson and in school after a 2 week holiday, weird to be back. Needed the distance but realize that I don't want to go back. Not to this school anyway. So the carousel starts all over again. Getting myself deep into social dramas despite me trying not to, not doing enough work, always having a bad conciseness about stuff and not being able to see the big picture. Enough about that.
For the Swedish readers I can warmly recommend "Låt den rätte komma in" by John Ajvide Lindqvist. I could not stop reading it! I'm on a big German book at the moment and also "Det kallas kärlek" by Carin Holmberg which is about the problems in relationships caused by genders. If I boiled it down in one sentence.
Music: The rain against the roof outside my window.
First of all thank you for all your support and encouraging comments. At the same time as they make me feel stronger (and are very true), about the hole "härskarteknikerna", even if A doesn't understand that, they hurt. Cause I can't seam to change my situation. I've been going over it so many times in my head and I'm stuck. We keep going round in circles without seaming to get out of it. I know I need to, I know I need to run and save myself but when the friendship works, when we're not fighting it's so good. I guess I just don't have any "defences" against that sort of behaviour right now and am sort of stuck. Like I said, the first impulse is run. We've talked more though and A understands that that night was real shit for me. We're friends again but I'm being more careful now. Trying to make planes for what I can do without depending on other people. I will try to print the "härskarteknikerna" and post them on my wall so that I'm always aware of when people or myself are using them. Cause its way to easy to forget about them.
There are quite a few incidents down here with friends that I'm not used to, people not telling me that they've backed out of planes/trips, cancelling and not wanting to plan stuff. But I guess thats my fault as well, trusting people again. Getting close cause I told myself I was not gonna depend on anyone this time around, foolish but true. I just really really want to be able to make all my own decisions but soon I will again. Soon I need to take one more step towards self independence.
It hit me today, things that you might already know just reading this blog, that I'm in some sort of "shit-what-the-hell-am-I-gonna-do-with-my-life"-crises. I really don't have a clue, I don't know. I've always dreamed about travelling, being on my own and seeing the world but never before being totally without a plan which is the case now. It's always been school, some work stuff or other thing that I've always thought would and have kept me in one place but now that I've finally got the freedom it really scares the hell out of me. I never thought that I would ever get to this point, that I might be able to actually live my dream. Am I cut out for this? Am I strong enough?
But please, I'm fine. Its not a real crisis in the bad sense of the word. Just that I'm sort of lost right now. So don't worry. It sort of feels like a good thing cause it makes me realize that I have a lot more to choose from then I was aware of. What everything boils down to is that I have to find a way to take better care of myself again and set me first, not caring that much about what other people think. I always seam to find myself in situations that are more of less uncomfortable but are "safe.
BTW, I dyed my hair orange!! Ha, a lot of pictures of me on this blog now but what the hell. Most of my readers are on the other side of the world so I guess thats called for. Read them from the left to the right, the different stages of hai colourin. Three bleaches and omg, I looked horrible blond. Music: Evanescence
Can someone steal your friend? Well, yes of course is the first thought but then again. What? How can you steal something that you can't own. There is no rule of monogamy in friendships or is there?
Ok, here's the delicate situation. I hang out heeps with a person, lets call him/her A (hen=him/her). Now A wants to hang out with the friends hen had before I came to New Zealand. That's understandable. I've no desire to always be around A and v.s. But here comes the tricky part, I was invited to join in tonight and didn't think twice before I accepted. Last night however me and A had a huge argument, I was always interfering with hen's friends, I had already "stolen" (taken, gotten to know, become friends with...) a lot of the people A hangs out with and this was the last ones hen's thought hen had for henself. Would be able to hang out with where I wouldn't be around. Understandable. But it puts me in a pretty awkward situation. I was invited but can't go because hen is there and it's hens friends. But I do consider most of them my friends too. Hmm, his might be to complicated to explain on the blog.
Well, at the end of the day I'm sitting at home while "my" friends are out partying cause I don't want to get in the way of A. I have no desire for more fights or back talking someone. I just don't know what to do. I didn't even realise that most of the people down here know A too but its a pretty small place so I guess thats unavoidable. So how can I be considerate and give A some space without getting left out? My first impulse was to leave. Thats it, had enough of Nelson. Time to move on. But I can't run away every time it gets hard. So I stay, alone, in my room while my friends are out with A and "hen's" friends. Momentum 22.
Wonder if anyone can understand my ramble, ha.
How the hell could I have been so blind?! I got close, I trusted, I love. This time around was to be about me, not about what everyone else does and doesn't do. I was not to be influenced. I was to be on my own. Not let anyone in. I can't believe that I got that dependent on people again. I need to make my own way and not care if they wont show me NZ, forget to tell me that the trips are off or aren't interested in my things. I need to find my path. Alone. Thank you for the reminder.
This is how I wake up most days, she crawls under my covers and wants lots of attention around the time I normally get up. Good Morning, darling.
I realise that my foolish search for the perfect home is not gonna lead anywhere but I know that I have to look at more places, see more of the world to have some sort of idea or comparison to where I want to live in the future. And as much as I love Nelson, this is not the place. Maybe New Zealand isn't the place for me. I never had any illusions that it would be. Just seamed like a good place to start. As far away from Sweden as I could get. Working my way throw the world? I don't know. But I seam to be quite settled on the idea not to stay in Nelson next year. It's still a bit scary to think about not studying but I feel that I can't go for a bachelors (stay in one place for three years) if I don't know anything about the world. How could I? How can I possibly defend "my" art if I don't have the experience to back it up with?
The thing I'm not looking forward to is all the new paperwork, when the things that are going on now aren't even finished yet. Gah!
I've never been around people this much before and I thought I would never be able to handle it but its still going good. Surprisingly good. The occasional fight with my flatmate but on the other hand we hang out heeps too. I'm finally in some sort of routine which is a good thing I suppose but I'm already bored. Ha! I want new things and new adventures, Nelson has to be more then this. But now that summers coming the parties are starting to pick up again, or the official ones I mean. Went dancing in the middle of the forest last weekend, it was awesome! Clear night sky, trees all around, soft grass in the valley, live DJ's, huge film projector in the background, friends and the most important thing - Dancing! When the strobe lights started flickering I couldn't stop smiling, feeling so alive. Ok, I admit, I wasn't the most sober bunny in the bunch but I remember it all. Also the part of starring into the stars for about 15 min until a girl came up to me and wondered if I was ok. She must have thought I was totally wasted when I tried to explain, with the drum & bas blocking out our ability to hear anything else, that yes - I was only admiring the stars I had waited for so long to see again. That the biggest adventure has actually finally started. I waited long enough, thats for sure.
Bad cellphone quality of the Dance Party but you get the general idea, one of my mates has a cute comment in there and I think I'm trying to say something at the end. Not really sure what though. (The green stuff is the DJ's station.)
Been to a couple of different rivers near here too, they are so beautiful. But have a very Scandinavian feel to them. Check this out. Two of the guys jumped in the river, we weren't as brave on that day. But I will, I promise. But a bit more warmth wouldn't hurt.
Finding new friends was easier then I thought, or maybe just as hard as I imagined it to be. Getting along fine even though I miss having people around me sharing my interests. And the question pop up again, is it the place or the people that should decide if that is the right place to live? Well, I just know that my suspicions that I would miss LARPs the most when I left Sweden have become true. The streets of Stockholm and the life I used to live, the subway and everything that comes with it is of course still in my head and heart. But the thing that really makes Sweden different from every other place I can think of at the moment is the LARP scene, (live action role plaing game - in the style of "a nice evening with the family" or "Prosopopeia"). I don't think that I even have to mention that I miss my friends and mummy heeps? That goes without saying but they are not connected to the country itself. Even though they live there. Besides, you guys are always on my mind anyway ;P.
Music: This is my soundtrack to my "new" life down under - "Kora - Flow"
Addictions: Travel + Hitch hiking, tea, art, dance, larp, play, cartwheels, my cell phone, music, the road, computers n' internet
Politics: Green-Veggie-Queer-Anarchist-Socialist
Loves: Animals&Nature, dark chocolate, warm hands, Urban Exploration, hitch-hiking, demonstarting, creating stuff/art, dancing, runnin' through the grass bare feet, adventures
Hates: to freeze, winter, autumn, losing control, my conscience, Falling in Love
Scared of: insects, the dark, Pennywise the Clown, Losing control, deep water, meat, freedom of will and not having freedom of will, the entrapment of a "relationship" (I'm a Relationship Anarchist), capitalism
Massive Attack, Queen, AFI, Takida, CombiChrist, Björk, Coheed & Cambria, Lacuna Coil, Deine Lakain, Bush, Pink, Rammstein+Tatu-kombo, Juli, Covenant, VNV Nation, Soulfly, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Silbermond, K-pist, Tool, Stabbing Westward, Within Temptation, Smashing Pumkins, The Used, Skillet, Architecture in Helsinki, Säkert!, Detektivbyrån, Fall out boy, Kate Nash, Freak Kitchen, Hello Saferide, Gwen Stefani, Eskalator, GoGol Bordello, Muse, Fall out boy, Shout Out Louds, Antony and the Johnsons, Blink 182, Rage agains the machine, Skunk Anansie, Arcade Fire, Silverchair, Kent, Dntl, Kora, Minuit, Sidewalk, Ladi 6, Lykke Li, Lamb, Lama, Stay Ali, Dubstep+Drum&bass, Mint Royal, Sigur Rós, Fat Freddy's Drop, Katchafire, The Black Seeds, Sidewalk, Joel&Joakim... and much more.
Almost but not entirely. Finally inspired and working hard on assignments, art and the rest. Found a place to spend some time WWOOFing, my favourite place that I applied for too! Getting quite worried about money, work and all of the normal stuff. But am hoping for the very best. Making travel arrangements in my head,. For those who know me will now say something along the line with "don't worry girl, it will all prove to be ok in the end!" But things like "how many pair of socks, what's the container for that item and how will I find a couch anywhere if I can't plan even the first stop" are things that wont stop twirling around upstairs.
