isobelll - with 3 l

I think I got a really bad hit to the head yesterday, look at me rambling on and on in the previous post. And it did have a lot worse consequences then I thought. In drawing class today I finally made progress, thanks to this really great teacher. The sun has been out all day and that always makes me feel better inside. And I've been making dinner for someone special. That's really something! I usually hate cooking but for some strange reason, I blame the spring, I felt like baking bread today. And thats what I have been doing all night. The hole tiny apartment smells like freshly baked bread and I feel like a total housewife. But without the desperate, the wife, the house, the being in a gender role parts.

And I might finally admit, I have lost the war. The bubbles have won. I'm lost. Maybe thats the problem.

Last night Spring finally came to our little town of Stockholm and into my life. And before I knew it she held my hand and swept me away with her scent, her eyes filled of tiny little sparks and her infectious laughter. Giving courage to the first little flowers. Blowing new bubbles. And when morning came, she had imprisoned us in her warm cocoon of hope.

This is every bit as corny as I'm feeling right now. The spring lady has arrived. I don't know how but she made me listen. Trying to make me understand that it's ok to be afraid. That it wouldn't be so scary if it didn't mean anything. So closed my eyes and held his hand.

Music: Your laughter

As I was out tonight with this really cute girl, (I asked her if she wanted to go to the movies with me, it was free and I was buying), she said to me that I should just call them. Yeah, I have heard that advice a lot lately. Call Kilroy. But what can they do? Just mail NMIT, (Nelson Marlborough University of Technology, New Zealand). And the same as me, wait. And then it hit me. They can't call them because of the 12 hours time difference but I can! So I went home, nervous. Not knowing really what to do and realizing that I wasn't only gonna call tomorrow, 12 hours ahead. I was also gonna call my possible future life. This was huge!

What was I suppose to say? Did they even know who I was and have my application? Was it important enough to look up for me? And how the hell should I get in contact with the right department? Are they on ester holidays as everyone else. (Idiot in a book 2000 years ago makes my life miserable, sorry if I offended you).

So I sat down at the computer. Filling skype with creds. Finding the right number on their very helpful web site. Making a list of what to ask, what to say and how to act. And then as I always do, just pushed the button without realizing that I jumped. And by the time I got the right connection I slipped into character, well almost. I was an international student applying to their visual arts and design diploma program. With a somewhat shaky voice hopefully disguised by the somewhat shaky skype connection. The first time I called they didn't answer. The second time, they didn't have the right information but I could call them again in an hour...

And time would never pass so slowly as when you wait for something really great or just the end of your bright plans for the future. But Cat was so sweet to distract me with heavy philosophical discussion that I didn't notice that it was half an hour later then I planned to call them again.

The hour of truth was here. Or was it? Did they have the right information this time? But the receptionist even remembered me and forwarded to the right person. And the very helpfull "international support person" knew how I was as soon as I mentioned Sweden. And she had the news I wanted to hear so badly. She said that I was welcome to their semester start at July the fourteenth.

And now as I'm writing this I don't know what to say or to do. This is just absurd. I have dreamed of going back to New Zealand for 16 years. In my wildest fantasies I've been an international student. And in other once I have been an art student. Now these are combined and I just don't know how to react. I called, I got the answer I was hoping for and now I can hardly sit still. How I will be able to sleep after this is a pure miracle.

To top the evening of, the bubbles I have been going on an on about have been returned. And I sit here, speechless. This is just to much, this can't be happening to me. Or can it? Have I been a good girl on santas lap? (Even thought I don't like the hole Christmas thingy). Has the karma finally turned, (not knowing what I should have done to top it over or if there is karma at all). I might never find out. But a few months from now, I'll be 12 hours into the future.

Music: Shout out louds - Tonight I have to leave it (The russian futurist remix)

A friend of mine just pointed out to me that it's not the (boy girl "normal") relationships that make me feel all trapped but it's me. I am the cowered. And yes of course, thats me. I knew that... didn't I? maybe it's just good to be reminded once in a while. And I'm the first to admit that I am coward. Always second guessing every step, but hey, thats me! Or no, thats how I don't want to be trapped in with. Let me out! Give me the courage to stand up for myself.

Oh, yeah. Thats right, I don't belive in god so I have no one to shout at. I'll just have to find the strength within I guess.

When you are as naive as I am there is bound to be some trouble just around the corner. And Of course there is always some really well hidden stuff. My Internet connection at home has been a bit slow lately making it hard for me to watch you tubes which is really bad. This didn't stop me from posting them, thinking they are all innocent and only music videos. But I realize that I'm a complete and utter fool. The Disturbed -Rise you tube in an earlier post was dedicated to the American soldiers and I didn't find that out until today. My sincerest apologies.

I do feel sorry for them, the US army. But not in the way the video is making it look like. They are abused by their government in a totally useless war. I wont get into all the details about how wrong this all is, I will only say: US, get the fuck out of Iraq!

And yes, I have changed the you tube and will now be more careful when I post them. But if you search for "Disturbed - Rise", you will find it.

Song of the day: Kent - Lsd, någon? or just the hole album "tillbaka till samtiden".
Kent has been a permanent part of my life since I was about fourteen and of course a couple of bad records have been produced but the "new" one Kent is trying to get back to where they began but with a different sound. The lyrics are as always just absolutely pure and simple love. You can't quite understand what the band wants to say and thats the beauty of it. And sorry, they can't be translated. That was one of Kents mot embarrassing moments, please don't do it again.

But maybe it's not the right direction? Wasn't this what I wasn't suppose to do? Have I lost it all?

It all began as I was on my way home from my brothers house after the pillow fight day. We had a "play date" but I kept falling asleep and decided that my own bed would be the best place for me right now. And I felt really responsible as I remembered that I didn't have any food at home and actually took a D-tore to the grocery shop. This is when it all went horribly wrong. I had almost filled up on everything that I needed when I found my self in front of the tea shelf. I remembered the strange urge I had earlier that afternoon. My brother has several times tried to teach me the art of drinking tea. Which as so many other attempts had failed. But I asked if I could try it one more time. Suspiciously he put out the huge tea mugs. I had never asked for this before. Not the stuff he has, only my own "safe tea", rosehip.

I choose a flavour that couldn't bring myself to drink last time I tried. It reminded me of the one Cat had served me a couple of weeks earlier. And to my surprise I really liked it. So I sat there, falling asleep, with a huge cup of tea and started to warm up again.

This made a bigger impact on me then I ever could have imagined. I felt myself put back the rosehip and stared hard and long at the real deal stuff that doesn't come in a box. Sniffed a vanilla falovored one and took a big scoop. Maybe it was because of the freezing weather, the blows to the head earlier in the pillow fight or just that I was to tired to think about what I was doing but the tea ended up going home with me. And as I'm writing, there is a big cup of vanilla rooibos in front of me. And I will point out that I'm not growing up, this is not me getting in to better habits or something stupid like that. Like Peter Pan said, "I won't grow up!".

Song of the day: freezepop - bike thief

I think I might have taken one or two pretty bad hits to the head but otherwise the Pillow fight day in central Stockholm was a huge success. You can spot me to the right, really red hair and a blue coat. Pawha! (Click on the pic to have a better look).

Lately I have been hearing or well Cat has been saying that I might have a problem. That I'm addicted to "media". He noticed that I had about 15 tabs in firefox and about 4 different chat programs and at least 5 communities running at once. Well, I might have a problem. Or no, it's not a problem. Just entertainment. I want to be on top of stuff. And I don't even have the time to answer all mails or read the news! So no! The texting thingy is just course its fun, ok I do it a lot bust still. I can talk and text at the same time, and my hours on the phone are less now then before, I think... They have been replaced by skype! =)

But there are significant advantages to have lots of Internet contact. Without it I would have never even got to know Cat or the others. I wouldn't have gotten the mail of the day, Thank you my personal German hero K!

March has been a constant problem in my life. Not only has the winter returned, as it does every year. (And of course we think that it's going to be different but no. It's snowing like hell outside.) There is that thing, that happened way back and always comes back to haunt me this time of year. A friend, I wont say close, took his life. Don't want to get into the details but I really liked him and of course it hurt like hell. And no, I wont blame him, it's his decision even if I miss him and would do anything just to tell him how much I love him. So thats my springtime depression secret. There you go... Maybe theres more but thats enough for today.

I tried to do my homework a few minutes ago but broke down in tears. It was brilliant idea at the time but not so fun now, I thought that for my project this week I would make some steel wire wings and hang flesh under them. To reinforce that your dinner actually s lived. Although I'm not a religious person the symbolism in wings might work any ways. And yesterday I got the meat out of a dumpster. I'm suppose to find out how to hang it but I'll wait until tomorrow. Hopefully I will find someone to hold my hand while I, with gloves and clothes peg on my nose, handle the corpses.

I'd almost forgotten! While I was eating sushi yesterday with Kazai, I to my surprise ordered a cup of tea. (Read previous post.) And I sort of drank half, it was a challenge but still. I blame you Cat! Thanks a hole bunch for ruin my image as a "non-tea-coffee-drinker". But I will not, I say, will not get addicted!

While writing this I'm listening to Disturbed - Rise

Reading the morning paper is not a thing I do often. But today I stayed in bed and picked up my all fresh from the press number of Animal rights (Swedes Djurens Rätt). This always make me feel all bittersweet. Knowing that people don't care about whats essential to me at least and not knowing what the consequences are. I have talked before about the meat industrial and it's effect on the environment. And if your all for saving the world you should think about your meat habits. They will be the once that can save or kill our lives in the end.

This is a subject, thats almost always, is forgotten when talking about how to regulate the pollution. Transports, switching off your light bulb and other stuff like that makes people uncomfortable to think about. They actually have to change their habits and start to recycle but when it comes down to it, nobody really wants someone to interfere with their food. Sure, there are people that just don't care that the animal actually suffers a great deal, wether their brought up in an "ecological" environment or in one of the huge slaughter houses. But what I don't get is why these people insist on turning of there light bulb, going to climate demonstrations and so on. Yes, everything we do will in the end effect how future generations live on the planet and everything counts but if you chose to not include dead animals in your diet you will done a lot more for the climate then never even turning your light on at home.

Coming back to the newspaper, I mostly get tired of always feeling like I'm all alone having these opinions (of course I'm not a saint and I do lots of horrible stuff for the environment, don't get me wrong). And that the politicians don't know anything about the real world anymore but there is one that got my respect this morning. Young and upcoming, which is when they still have an opinion, but still. Thanks to Alexander Chamberland one of the former leaders for the green youth parties in Sweden. Hopefully there are more of you out there and that you get more influence on the "real" action at the top office.

Do I need to say again that 18% of the global warming problems comes from the meat industrial, thats actually more than the hole transport sector. And yes, you could say that you belive in the cycle of life but that is not a valid answer when we go in and play god, and obviously not stay in the cycle but belive ourselves to be above it.

Link worth looking at in Swedish.

As I waited for the train I noticed something on the other side of the fence, or rather stuck under it. At first I thought it was a piece of cloth and got on the train but couldn't stop thinking about it so I went back. Maybe it was a cat? Stuck under there, not able to move or call for help? I wouldn't be able to sleep if I hadn't checked on it. And as I ran back I saw a cute black cat, like the one caught under the fence, sitting on the pavement as if it was waiting for me. Running towards me as I sat down to greet it. With a loving purr it jumped on my shoulder and after a minute or two she continued on to new adventures. But it was if she was saying, "thanks for noticing and looking after me".

The strength that little black cat with its on conditional love for a cuddly hand was exactly what I needed, walking back to the place where Kazai was waiting for me. But when he, to my big surprise held his promise and bought me "deluxe-expensive" dark chocolate, with an apology and a smile. I with a somewhat bittersweet and salty taste in my mouth (full of humor), accepted it. Sushi only made it better. A walk through town and sealing the deal, to start trying to become the best of friends again, we went and bought some ice cream. Whish is really stupid in the middle of winter but exactly what I always do. But we ate it inside. And the chocolate was worth the money, OMG! Thanks Kazai.

And the bubbles are returning for jet another attack. I'm running again but getting stuck in some sort of glue and of course I'm terribly afraid.

Song of the Day: James Blunt- Shine on
Its real embarrassing but lately I'm all about finding new music and stumbled upon his voice and the text makes me smile.

As I was complaining at the doctors office today that I've been tired all of the time she just smiled and asked me about my party habits. Well, uhm. Ok, it's been a lot of late nights but I always try to get the sleep during the week instead? No, that wasn't a good idea. But I'm willing to be exhausted if thats what it takes to dance, have way to late movie nights and skype until my eyes turn red.

The spring-thingy, its still snowing outside, is not going so well. Or a more accurate description, I really don't know at all.

Game of the day: The Zone
Song of the day: Skunk anansie - Charlie potato head
One of my all time favorit songs and a great video.

If you look at the time this has been posted you have to understand that will understand that I have had another late night out partying. After a long walk/talk with a special person I was all bubbled up and had to get my thoughts raped around something else, but hen wouldn't get out of my head.

And I'm saying hen, which is a finish (I belive) is the expression if your not defining the gender, this is to protect the persons integrity.

I think the bubbles are actually trying to kill me. As I said in a previous post about friendship there are always bubbles involved in the beginning. And some of them feel all warm and fuzzy. The problem is when they start to turn pink and wont pop when your trying to get rid of them. And I want to make a point, I am not in love, I have not fallen, I wont admit to anything. Not to myself any way. I will just say that there are some "slightly uncomfortable" bubbles flying around and not letting me go to sleep.

The thing is that this hole "springtimefeelingsthingy" is all wrong.

1. I have looked up to hen of many years now, actually as long as I have known hen and never ever in my wildest dreams would I have thought of this development.
   
2. I really don't have the time.
3. I want to be self sufficient and not dependent on anyone.
4. I don't want a normative relationship, which in this case wont be a problem.
5. This all takes focus away from whats important in my life right now, my studies.
6. I look outside my window as I'm writing and it's snowing so there can't actually be any spring time thingy, can there?
7. This person is very impotent to me and I want to become even better friends.
   
8. I am terribly afraid.
   
9. I feel like a total fool, running around not being able to concentrate, finding myself staring into thin air and acting like a fourteen year old girl again. Horrible!
   

So thats the logical part of me. Saying "stay away! Run! Get out when you still got the chance....!" and to forth and so on. My heart/gut/stomach is saying lots of other fuzzy warm and embarrassing stuff. But what I can't figure out is the middle ground. The so called wise mind. The brain and heart are fighting all over the place and it's getting incessantly worse by the minute. So what to do?

This is exactly what I didn't need right now. I want to focus on the art, become one with it. I'm so tired of always letting my emotions getting in the way of what I want to do. Or not letting me know whats really me. I would love to have a life without social contact, only living for the art. Or in my naive fantasies that is the way to go. But I know that it's totally unrealistic. Of course I need human contact (and want it!!), friends and a life outside of school. It's just really annoying when I'm in class and my thoughts start to drift away and having me see everything through thick pink glasses. Horrifying. Why me? I don't want to! I didn't ask for this.

I have been trying now, with no actual success, to get rid of all the uncomfortable bubbles. And it wont work. A huge part of me is irritated, hates it all and just wants to cut all contact with hen. The other part is looking at the butterflies and having a ball. What to do? Who should I listen to? Where is my wise mind?

But I know, deep down inside, that I don't want the friendship to end. I want this person in my life. I just don't know how to do it without getting to involved. So once again, what to do? And do I really not what to get all tangled up?

Song of the night: Nine Inch Nails - Just like you Imagined (All instrumental and utterly beautiful noisy parts. I especially love the "hard core" piano parts.)

In my dusty and tired head this is what I can produce in writing at this moment.

Just the other day I realized that I don't belive that guys have the same feelings as us girls. Logically thats just stupid and politically incorrect but still the prejudice stays with me and gets me into all sorts of trouble. My experience tells me that guys have a lot harder to express feelings and to fall in love. And as I said before, I know it's wrong and so on but... Still.

Trust issues is something I know well. But mine is "back words", I trust people pretty good in the beginning. Or at least somewhat but if they betray my trust it's quite hard for me to ever belive in them again. And the guy thingy makes it even worse, it makes all kinds of relationships with the other sex difficult. Most of the men in my life have been real idiots in the end. But please, prove me wrong!

Song of the day: The Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise

If you are wondering I'm in blog mode. Thoughts keep spinning around and this is how I best get rid of them, getting them on "paper". And the English part, well I figured that it was time to start if I'm gonna move abroad. And now my non Swedish friends can read what I'm all about, or just my crazy thoughts.

So as I ran back to school after a way to long lunch I stepped by the grocery store. As I was gazing into thin air my eyes started folowing a movement, without me noticing. Before it was to late and I realized that I was starring into some ones eyes. And the peculiar part is that I couldn't stop. And he looked really nice, actually cute. So I continued on letting my rest on this nice looking young man. And he looked back, quite happy about my accidental staring. We kept eye contact for a while and turned around to have a better view a couple of times and as I left the store I felt my confidence raise and peered back into the windows. He was standing to still to look like he didn't care and I didn't want to leave. But still, I flirted once more and will keep this little memory as my own, without having it tainted of bad conversation. A huge thank you goes out to the complete stranger making my afternoon a hole loot better.

Having tea with a friend and continuing on to the next one is a really god investment when the last week has been a one huge nightmare place to be in. So as I'm sitting here at M's computer while he's serving me with way to much good tasting things like drinks and proper food I'm quite ok again. And not sleeping more than 3 hour last night proves itself to be a great decision, no brain activity today at all. Nothing, pure silence. Or almost. And the spring time feelings thingy has almost no room to play in my basically numb thoughts. Blissful Silence.

Best person to spend a hole evening with today: M
Best song of the evening: Thermostatic

Something strange happened to me as I ran home at lunchtime to do errands and drop off some artwork. As I walked down the street with the increasingly heavy concrete block in my arms I saw a familiar face that I Couldn't identify. He looked lonely and sort of "bum-like". Immediately I stared into the ground but then changed my mind. All these people were walking past him as is he was invisible to them and I don't want to be that sort of person. I want to see people, acknowledge their existence. He couldn't have been much older than me and had yellow tainted skin, rough cloths and a torn up look to him. I gave him a friendly smile and he came up to me.

The conversation went something like this:
"Wanna grab a cup of coffee some day? If you don't have a boyfriend that is...?"
Me: "Uhm, well..." Stumbling for words, feeling more uncomfortable but still unable to let my consciousness go away. "No, I don't have a boyfriend" (As that would have mattered I asked myself) "but I don't have a lot of time".

He grabbed his cell phone and quickly took my number. I would have never ever given it to anybody on the street but this was different. Strange. He said his name and if he could call me this weekend. "Uhm, sure. I don't know if I will have the time but you can always try." And then I ran off. I felt the shoulder bag eating into my muscles and the heavy concrete block in my arms as I thought to myself that most of the people walking have a heart much colder then the piece of art I was carrying. That the concrete is a lot softer to touch and work with, to handle and love then those passing me by. It felt like I was in a game, but then again. It's life at hole a game? And we should play the hand that is given to us. Getting totally philosophical and reminding myself of Cat's words from yesterdays late night chat about accepting what life as it is.

Frightened and Fighting against the cold city where everyone is afraid of each other. And knowing that I am or could become more like them. Wanting to see "Stockholm underground" as Gaiman would have said in "Neverwhere".

I fantasized about running your head into a brick wall and letting the splash of blood wash away my tears so you could never hurt anyone again. These words ran over and over in my head this morning. I didn't want to go to bed last night and slept barely 3 hours. But without having nightmares. Yay me?!

Song/video of the day: Leo Nordwall - It could have happened today (Interacting Arts)

Just ran past my X, the one that got violent, and couldn't get away fast enough. With my heart panting I shut the door behind me and all the bad memories made me paralyzed with fear.

Another lousy day is hopefully soon over. Will I ever be able to let this go? When will I be able to see him without having nightmares?

Kazai was or is a real idiot. He "accidently" texted me instead of his new girlfriend a message with the feeling like "I wanna fuck you so much!". Thanks a hole bunch, just because I'm almost over you it doesn't necessarily mean that I need to know your intimate details with your partners.

Current song: Nine Inch Nails - Fragile

So Killing all the bubbles might actually be working. Not as well as I hoped it will, but it's a start. The meeting yesterday went ok, or no. I felt really uncomfortable but at least now it's over and I didn't run away without closure.

But before that I went to the doctors or more specificity the dietician office. They were suppose to help me with getting a good diet that my body and brain could accept. Vego and everything. But no. Instead I only got to hear that as a vego you can't get enough protein and she said that is most likely comes from my muscles. So I will get even weaker and be really tired all of the time. Ok, thats me but there has to be some other way!

The conversation went something like this:
Dietician: "So you wont eat meat?"
Me: "No, I belive it's one of the roots to all evil and its rather nasty for the environment"
Dietician: "... but you can eat eggs?"
Me: "Uhm, the chicken industry is horrible if you haven't noticed...?"
Dietician: " But what about fish or do you feel sorry for them as well??"
Me: "The have a spine, they feel pain!"
Dietician: "But could you drink 2 liters of milk every day?"
Me: "I try not to use dairy products in those quantities and soya milk is quite expansive."
Dietician: "If you get injured you wont heal with your diet, you do know that?"

To prove her point I guess, I again overslept this morning. I just didn't realize that the irritating noise was my alarm going off trying desperately to wake me up.

Nanowo, my pet rat, is still alive but barely. Sometimes he is up and about, not being quite the same as before but still. Walking slowly around at the bottom of his big cage and at other times he doesn't even react when I start petting him. I think he has gone blind or had a stroke or something. He is not himself anymore and I don't know what to do. I just miss him and hate seeing him this way. Kaminari on the other hand is growing bigger and stronger by the minute. Running around and being all cuddly.

Current trak: Silence with a taint of pretty irritating noise coming from the computer

Trying to get pop every last one of them. Want the friendship but nothing more. My fluffy feeling just turned sour as I knew it would. And I don't even care if he/she feels the same way about me or not, I don't think I even wanna know. All I want is to be friends. I really really don't need a complicated thingy in my life. I have to concentrate on school, art and myself.

Hmm, getting quite personal now but what the hell. Two positive things is that I think I'm finally over Kazai, more or less any way. Hopefully those feeling wont come back. And that I lost my apatite and that of course resolutes in losing wight. And thats always positive.

Tonight there is one more of the dreaded Sverok moments, then its finally over. I'm out and I don't ever have to go back, or at least I hope so. Hopefully I get to keep the friends I've made without have the organization in the middle of it all.

Today is just one of those days I think, where the sun doesn't bother to shine and everything is quite gray. Just hoping it will all go away. Getting irritated at everyone and everything. And of course just be course that I bump into just about everything, almost tripping over an old fellow while missing my train. Not being able to focus. Killing the bubbles.

The other day I heard that my little apartment, my shoe box is to clean. It makes people feel uncomfortable. I'm quite impressed and surprise that is all tidy but never thought about that. Well maybe this is me. Chaos in my head and a pretty clean place, of course with way to much stuff and all artsy. But it's just fine if your place it's, I don't care.

Song playing right now: Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy

So I have come to understand that making new friends is not that difficult at all. Look interested, preferably be interested, in what they think and want to be when they grow up. But now comes the hard part, to actually become a ongoing part of their life. To be recognized as one of the obvious people to contact on a routine basis. And to know who they really are. Making them wanting to know more about you, hoping they might care about what you think about when you stair into thin air. Not to tell them to much of your secrets at once or ever in fact, not to make your old life apart of your knew one. And the hardest part of them all, making them feel comfortable about telling you their thoughts while gazing at the horizon and sharing their secrets.

Every new friendship makes me feel all bubbely inside and hoping for more. Well not every time but the people I really want to make part of my every day life. Making me obnoxiously interested in what they think about. And I'm always curious about were their thoughts go when we talk, hug or just sit together in total silence. It almost feels like when you are in love. Or sometimes thats what happened and hopefully it goes away and replaces that feeling with a close friendship. Course the absolutely last thing I need now is to fall in love, to have my thoughts be all tangled up in false hope and daydreaming about the last smile I got. And of course wondering why they smiled at you.

Sunday was spent in a tea marathon with people like that, making me feel all good inside but hopelessly self conscious. Hopefully this will all go away but the new found friendships becoming a part of my every day life.

Song of the day: Blink 182 - Roller Coaster

So now its my turn to explain all these theories about how pillows should react and look like. I think its pretty simple. Every time I sleep over at a friends house or a motel I always have to get in to a big fight about the pillow. Almost no one notices it which is good. But still its there. These pillows need surgery and they don't even know it! My pillows at home are well behaved. As they were created they got their pillowcase and look hard and long at the pillow factory. And they decided that they didn't want to get their stomachs slit open and filled with all kinds of cotton. So they quietly went passed the plant and got to my place where I have made them a promise. As long as they stay here they never have to be slit open or listen to the other pillows talking behind there back. Pillows are suppose to look at the pillow factory and decide that its not a good idea to go inside.

Now I finally live in my shoe box. That is what it looks like any ways. Its small but comfy and I like it. The moving process to an astonishing 11 days! And then of course some work before that as well. But now its done. Just have a few more boxes and things laying around the place but otherwise I am all settled in. But my head still can't really get it jet. It's still a but strange. And why not, I have been living in my old place for the last five and a half years.

If you're moving please clean up your place behind you. We cleaned and cleaned and lots more cleaning until I left my old place but the guy how lived here before me didn't think it was such a big deal. So here we go again!

But it was a really great feeling when I joined the subway family, as a proud member, and got on the train to school. It takes about half as long to get to school and the timetable is a lot kinder if I should miss a train.

I still can't understand how anyone can defend eating meat. And how people who know better can not try to at least educate the rest. Why are we all just turning our backs and hoping that the meat industry will just go on and we would know nothing about it? The reaction when they showed the sick sheep didn't take to long and I think it would be the same with the meat industry but no one wants to listen. It's to hard and to disgusting. Well it you are a meat eater the least I expect of you is to know where your food comes from. So here you go! Or click on the link.

For the last couple of days me and Kazai have been on and of fighting or just nagging each other and for the first time since we broke up it feels really good that we're not together anymore. He has really changed and I'm finally free from the responsibility I felt when we were a couple. I want to stay the very best of friends but I don't have to pick up the pieces of me when he runs into another huge problem and I cast aside everything that I'm to help him. Honest but true. And I do hope you, Kazai, don't hate me for it.

http://www.meat.org/index-2.asp?c=MYMabhbs08

Most embarrassing moment of yesterday: When I actually felt that the line in Blink 182s song "I miss you" really fit into my life and thoughts.
"Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head, I miss you"
Horrible but true. And no, you don't know who you are.

The Science of Tea

The other day a something odd happened to me. I was delivering goods to Cat, very secret and cool stuff.

I should have guessed when I went inside what was going to happened. The bohemian place with its own soundtrack and cool art should have been a dead give away but I stayed cool and didn't see it coming before it was to late.

"Would you like a cup of tea?"

Feeling awkward and staring down at my feet I tried to answer as I always do anticipating the same response as usual.

"Well, I could try but... Uhm. There is only one flavor of tea that doesn't make me sick and I left it at home."

He looks at me and started, as I knew he would, try to explain The Science of Tea and how I must have been drinking the wrong kind all along. Sure, I will give it a try.

The can he pulled out didn't smell to bad and it actually didn't give me shivers down my spine. Rooibos is not actual tea he explained and I didn't even bother telling him that I tried that stuff before and it didn't work. In the spirit of the moment, or just because its almost a must if you live in a cool and bohemian place like that, Cat started to fix with the water pipe. The music bounced of the walls and fell into warm red-pink-yellow polls beneath my feet. (I see music and hear pics).

I got more and more nervous about the tea thing. Would it be another one of these awkward moments when I take a sip, work hard to swallow and try to nicely put it down and get so involved in the conversation that the other person forgets about it?

Moment of truth. I took a careful sniff and expected it to make my stomach turn. The tea flavor of Tea is horrible. How anybody can enjoy it is still a mystery to me. I put the cup against my lips and closed my eyes. And then it happened. A real miracle! It tasted good, it really did! The warm rose-flavored smoke and lovely tea made me smile even more. So thanks Cat, if now you could only remember the name of the tea.

Person of the day: Cat
The song of the day: Nine Inch Nails - Vessel