isobelll - with 3 l

I've always thought that there had to be guardian angels out there, friends who'd never ever let you down but I realised last week that that's not the case at all. No one let me down but after coming back from the larp "Våra Drömmars Stad" I started to analyse the scene that had meant the most to me and why it was so hard to let go. My character had gotten herself in a real bad situation and another one was trying to help her, which was rather impossible both in physical and emotional sense of the word. But then the person said, "How do you know I'm not your guardian angel?". And my world came to a complete stand still. Both in-game and as I later realised, off-game.

As I got back home I wrote it all down and found out why it'd been so hard to accept. As I preciously said, I've always believed in Guardian Angels but just as my character couldn't be saved I can't be "saved" by someone/something else then myself. No one out there, no matter how much they mean to me or I to them can step up and carry my troubles. As the larp ended and my character "lost" his Guardian Angel simply cause the game ended, I too lost mine. Knowing that there are none. And also seeing another aspect of Relationship Anarchy.

In "normal" relationships you're (almost) always meant to be the other one's Guardian Angel, saviour and complete partner. Something that can't be demanded of anyone. You're always responsible for your own actions, of course, but as we're always made to believe in media - "someone will always catch me when I fall". (Like in one of the most moving moments in my favorite movie "Dancer in the Dark" with Björk, by Lars von Trier. The song is called "In the musicals"). So I'm sorry for everything I've demanded of the people who have been closest to me at the time, I'm sorry for asking of you to "save" me although you never even had the power to to what I begged you for. We're all in this alone. And this I say with a "wise mind voice". We can listen to people, visit places, get to know animals but we can never demand of them to take care of everything. And the most important thing, a so called partner can never be held responsible for you mistakes/troubles/problems.

Now I just have to keep reminding myself that media is once again wrong about stuff. Just as they are wrong about consuming more makes us happy, war isn't to bad if its far away and meat is everyone's right cause we should kill animals for food and marriage is the goal of everyone's life. Ok, now I might be a bit harsh but Media isn't all to kind to the one's who've seen behind the curtains.

(The Picture is taken in the middle of Stockholm where I found a little angel flying about and doing its business.)

There are no Guardian Angels.

Soundtrack: Mint Royale - See you in the morning.
Today's thanks goes to Kazai, for always trying. Love ya!

Went to another larp last weekend, "Våra Drömmars Stad". This time set in "1800-1900" sentry, sorta. Had a good group and stuff but the larp actually sucked. Big time. Got a couple of good scenes but nah, really. I thought I was going to "thriller" type story based larp with sound and video effects. I ended up on a larp with way to expensive clothes (not on me) which made everyone scared of actually moving around in them and it turned out to be some sort of British "Murder theory" but without the murder(?). Finding, receiving and talking to people about the clues you'd gathered. A Game. Uhm, did I mention that I'm actually registered as the worst riddle "sovler" on the continent at this present time?

So the rest of the life? Well, Autumn is here. And my panic with it. Still kinda silent but coming. Trying to keep my focus, trying to keep busy (which isn't a problem for me as most of you all know) and getting quite creative which is great.

Still finding the need to stay in Sweden or rather to stay put, sit still and think. I've never known what I want to do but last January I decided I wanted to study art full time and move to New Zealand. Finally I had this great plan but as all planes they never turn out as you thought. I've got no regrets, It was absolutely the best thing I've ever done. And even though school wasn't up to my expectations I had a swell time travelling and getting to know my self.

Recap:
July 2007, I stated studying art in Stockholm
January 2008, I decide to move to New Zealand
July 2008, I move to NZ and begin my new school
October 2008, I realise that I'm not going to come back to school next term.
November 2008, The road is my home
September 2009, Stockholm is my home.

Picture of me on the road.








I've been on the road more or less for a year. Or more. After realising that art school over there wasn't as good as I hoped I thought that I would find out what I wanted to do with my life by travelling. And I sotra did. I want to do more, see more, be creative, move around, love and work with nature, animals and art. I've got a real addiction to Larp which can't be found (in the way that I like them) in any other place but Sweden. I also found out that I needed to be around my friends. As corny as it sound. Gah, I missed everyone heaps. And I'm not really keen on missing them so soon again. I need to stay put, even though I'm always travelling in my heart and all around Sweden I need to try and find out what I want to do with my life. I know I want to study art - but not at the moment.

I know I've talked about it over and over again, its just that I really don't know. In the same way as I really don't know about this thing called sex. I've always loved it, no matter what gender or style but now... No. I know I've always loved to be with girls and "the people who don't define their gender" (in lack for better description). But men? Well, I haven't had a problem before. Or I had with the macho manly men. And its gotten worse.

At the moment I've gotten over my last big summer crush and in true "isobelll style" gotten right back on the horse and am having all these bubbles for someone else. Of course someone that I hardly know. But now for the scary parts starts, its a he and he seams to like me back. Fuck!! I'm not good with all of that shit anymore. As I said, we hardly know each other (and OH, I'm as always getting way to personal? Sorry) but we're texting and getting real cute. He doesn't live around here which is great, I can live my life just as always. But then there is the "I'm missing him!" part which sucks. Like I'm always missing people all around the globe. Sigh. Note to self: By travelling a lot and larping you'll get friends all over, if you find this "missing thing" hard then you might think about stop travelling - Ha, like that's ever going to happen!!

So once again I'm confronted with the two things that scare me most of all. Its a guy and he (well, that's what I think at least - gathered from the texting ) sorta likes me back (or is he just atracted (here my bad selfconfidens raises her voice in a foul and bad manner and starts to whisper lots of thing that I wont tell here and will try to inore all togeher)). Which is all nice and good but it means, you guessed it, sex. Cause of the simple fact, it seams like, that we're both adultes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm really attracted to him and wow I'd love to have sex but does the dick really have to be a part of it? (As I complained about all this shit to my brother last night he went and grabbed the sissors, "This might solve the problem?").

This has been my main theme for the last 6 months - no dicks. I've failed over and over again but every time I'm in a quite foul mood for the next coulple of days. So seriously, no dicks. At least until I figure out what's wrong, or if you'd like me to rephrase, what's right. Now comes the issue of telling to him, that I'd love to have a cute flirt (or whatever happens) but no sex which is scary. And for once realising that it wont do with, "I'll make up an excuse at the last moment", "It wont be all that bad will it?", "But I am really attracted?", "I am real horny though, that should mean that I actually do want it?", "oh well, I don't want to disappoint him. Just get it over with." I know all about the classic saying "if he likes me it wont matter", "I don't need to spread my legs for someone to like me and if its only that then I can just as well do without." But grr, the bubbles and wanting to be the subject of bubbles in tummy back feelings are still very much all to real. Well, I should just stop thinking, be honest and let the weekend to all the work cause we're all meeting up on Gotland for the "Night of Culture". Yay! A sorta reunion of the summer time medieval week at the flat with sauna, party, friends (some old ones and a lot of newcomes) and the highlight will be seeing a scary movie in one of the old church ruins at night. Freezing Cold!!! And I don't know what I'm more scared about, the movie, the cold or (I do really hope) him - warming me, holding my hand.

Bubbles. Scared. Confused. Chaos? Well, thats me. Always in some state of chaos but at least I'm smiling this time. (And blushing.) Shit, he might read this. Uhm, no good idea of publishing or just the right thing to do? Uhm, fuck. Well, its to late now? Shit, shit, shit. Scared way beond the point of ok and all bundled up in a teenie crush. But maybe I'll just see him and realise that its been all in my head? Bubbles simply cause I "felt like" having bubbles? Hitting the Publish button before I can change my mind.

Music: Lamb - Lusty and Lykke Li - Little bit.

Ha, but what's real? Not a lot in my life. Not according to real people with real jobs. But what the fuck, I'm back on top of my game. I just got a room! Yay me! Fuck yeah! Got a lot of larps, travelling and projects to keep a close eye on within the near future. Going to Göteborg on Thursday for a sweet reunion with the "White Trash gang" and so on.

So I got a room, I got a sorta job or I got enough money to pa my bills and eat, I've got heaps to do and my horrible crush is finally letting me go. (I was the one having the crush, hate it when that happens.)

And the larp "Krigshjärta III" was pretty good in the end anyways, I had some real cool scenes, so called meta scenes, where we go outside the game and freeform what could be thoughts, dreams, memories or anything else that wants to get out. Sweet as. Thanks to Tarick, my family, Lukas and all the rest - you know who you are.


Oh, and did I mention? I've got a room!!! Haha, nah but seriously. I've been looking for ages and this one I can afford and I move in next week. Mint!

Music: Michael Jackson

Colder nights, real windy and before you know it - Autumn will be here. And my panic with it. I thought I could stand the cold this time, I thought I could handle the darkness but I'm thinking I might be fooling myself. Just another method of calming my nerves, not having a place to live or anything to do really. It feels like my entire being is in chaos. Just as always I might point out - there is always a certain amount of chaos in my life but when it turns sour... It feels like I'm running away if I give up on Sweden at the moment, not having fulfilled the stuff I needed to do here (trying to find out what my sexuality is, learning to say no and getting my body to function properly again?). But as soon as I start to feel that cold wind upon my skin I can feel the old panic setting in. Soon the leafs will have turned in all shades of red and die. I need to have green around me, I need to be able to see that summer fresh green every day.

But the biggest fear of it all is that with the Fall coming it means that reality is coming, the cold dark one that hits you in the head and says its time to grow up. Its time to get going with your life. I've worked so hard to get rid of all of that. Please don't make me go back there. I'm scared shitless of a 9-5 job, a stylish apartment with a long term lease and a steady partner. Thatäs what everyone else calls life - I call it prison or maybe even hell.



The fucking larp is as always taking up way to much of my energy and commitment. I really just want to run away, now.

Scared. Silent panic.

Music of the day: Spirited away soundtrack

I'm sorta' getting ill again. Surprise? Nope. The larp I'm going to in a week is all fucked up and I've got way more to do then I'm ok with. Lots of shitty things happening outside the larp itself, people not liking each other and that stuff. Grr.

Still no home, no job but maybe maybe a place where I can have some practical training which allows me to look for more work and get some references. Holding every thumb I can find. Bubbles and confusion everywhere. Stress. Food doesn't really seam to be a good idea at the moment, including sleep which I've rarely got time for. Still in a total state of "fuck - the festival week with all my friends has come to an end" and missing everyone.

A total confusion on sexuality or being close to people. Not much different from yesterday I guess. Just a tad more stressful.

Enough whining for today, chaotic life. Yay! I'm somewhat surprised that I'm not falling yet. Keep the good work up? Hoping for it.

Music of the day: Mint Royal (Thx to Electroboy)

I've been way to busy to write anything here, up and down just as usual I guess. I've been out on the road to lots of different events and festivals for the last month. To a larp which sucked in the game way but I had a couple of great experiences and meet some beautiful people. It was called Tueolenas Port and was in a fantasy setting - I'm so over larping in those worlds but as I said, the people - you know who you are - made my larp. =)

When I got home I got back on track with the cold I got on the Arvika Festival, of course. And as I thought that I'd concurred that one I hitched down to Göteborg to meet up with the crew from the larp. Worked at a Medieval festival, lived in a trailer from the not so great parts of the sixties? With 6 people, crammed in and of course we had to be the White Trash gang. Fuck, I'm so in love with all of these crazy lovin' beautiful people who just adopted me into their crew and as the festival progressed they even made a official (?) welcoming ceremony that went something like this; after drinking way to much of G's Whisky I tumbled around with one of the boys having a play-fight when Electroboy pins me down, G sits on the other side looking the other arm and Charms gets on top and starts pouring wine in my mouth - "Welcome to Gothenburg!!". And if I hadn't laughed all the way I'd probably would have been really pissed of - but I love these guys! Ha! I've sworn revenge though. Watch out!

Hitched back to Stockholm where I fell down on the couch and got real ill again, this time I went to the doctor - got real strong medicine and went blank for the two weeks. Gah! Fucking cold! Morphine, bad as painkillers and penicillin. Choho??

But as the Pride Festival in Stockholm was booming in the streets I'd gotten all better again and partied as much as my somewhat torn body would allow and even meeting some pretty girls, yum! You know who you are ;p.

Packing my gear again I went back in time once more and to an island outside of Sweden named Gotland to the Medieval city called Visby where there's an absolutely fantastic festival every year. A week filled with Medieval music, everyone is dressed up and partying all week long. I sold a lot of my gloves that I've been needlebinding.

Finally confirmed that the bubbles I'd been feeling for the last few weeks for a person were way to real. Fuck this! I'm not game. I'd decided to go against all festival scene, the same as I've made as a rule all summer long, and had a no sex rule for myself (which I on occasion don't give a fucking rats ass about). To much shit is going on. Way to queer, way to insecure with what I want in bed to even try and get my head wrapped around it at the moment. I just know that I'm not game for the heterosexual stuff anymore even though I've seam to have no problems falling for boys I'd rather not have sex with them or I'd rather they take care of "that one down there" on their own, kinda. Or what the fuck, I don't know anymore. Wierd. So what about the "Real Men" - uhm... No way!!

I just got back this morning from Gotland and am way to emotional and messed up to really be writing anything that makes sence I guess. The party's, the people, the hanging out, the shows. Living in an absolutely fabulous flat that was in a total state of Hippieness all week long complete with sauna after party's. The White trash/Göteborgs gang, the Arabs and all the rest... Gah! I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you all. And yes, as you might have guessed at this state of no sleep I am actually having way to many tears in my eyes to write this shit. Fuck missing people!

What sucks even more is that summer is nearly over, its gonna be warm for a bit longer but reality is gonna hit me at the latest in about two weeks even though its really close now. And I haven't got a clue of what the fuck I'm gonna do with my life. I don't have anywhere to live, no job and no school. What to do? I really don't know. So I guess its back on the road? Well if I don't find anything soon I'll be leaving again I guess but that would feel more like I was running away and not going to something. And btw, it doesn't feel like I'm "back" in Sweden - this is where I need to be at the moment to get a grip of my life. This is me going forward, thank you. And no, I'm not done travelling. I've just realised that something's need to be sorted out with friends close by and in a environment that doesn't hate woman, non heterosexuals and veggies.

Music of the day: Evanescence (with all of its tears, with all of its fake goth shit going directly into my vein's.)
Bubble of the day: Confidential.
Pictures will come up later, I just have to run and find that hug from Cat right now...

Me as Mother Tyra at the larp, Kalle Lanzt is the fabulous photographer!

I'm promising to report back later but the status right now is that I've come home from Tueonelas Port which was a larp, loved and hated it at the same time and am going - ridiculously early - to the Arvika festival tomorrow morning to see Nine Inch Nails, Depeache Mode and Korn amongst others. And NIN with my Mummy!! So I'm coming back to ya about everything later on, as soon as I'm back in town.=)

Today's Song: Pencil in the Wind Flight of the Conchords
Today's Person: Esa who made my larp!

I LOVE beans! Since I became a veggie I've really started to dig into these goodies and even though people say they aren't that tasty I say thy juts don't know how to cook them! I just need to brag a bit about the bean spread I just made which took about 3 minutes - without a mixer!

Favourite beans or chickpeas
Olive Oil
Lemon Juice
Oregano
Salt


Mix everything with a fork and enjoy or make up your on combinations.

And Oh, you're so right! I should really get back to work. But I needed to have some food with this weekend. And I'm totally mindfucking myself... Recorded my own voice while I'm reading everything about the larp I'm going to tomorrow which I'm now listening to. Gah! Try litsening to yourself while running around and panicing (Don't Panic) about the packing, its an interesting experience to say the least. Welcome to my world, or should I try to get the world of Thule to welcome me?

Ok, you got me. I'm blogging instead of working.

Only Problem? Fuck native, or no, fuck medieval native. I've been a fan of these Fantasy larps for years but I've totally lost my love for them. All these props and costumes, can't we just focus what's really important? The social game time between us? Gah! Well, I signed up, I paid and now I have to do the work. It will be fun in the end, or so I keep telling myself. Also it seams like I've lost lots of my stuff, somewhere around the country. Fuck.

No succses in finding a job, a room, a volunteerplacement or life for the next couple f months. I'm currently waiting for my boss to call me - at any time - to say that I can start working. Gah.

Going back to "Stress-chaotic-tomorrow-is-larp-mindset". Like I said on my facebook status, I've seamed to have lost my motivation. If you know where I left it please tell me! And I really really badly need it, like a penguin need to fill up o salt for the ocean while skidding around the ice blocks of Antarctica. Not the easiest thing finding a 24/7 shop around there is it?

This is me ages ago, I think it would have been back in 2001? I'm down on the right side screaming my ass off and saying something like "All Hail The King", or that one but in Swedish. Its actually the same campaign that I'm gonna be visiting again but not as the same character, nope. I'm really sick of playing soldiers but having said that, I'm not to keen on playing the priest that I'm gonna do now either. Well, as long as I get there it will be ok. It need to be ok!!

Todays music: Anything with medieval feeling to it, gotta get into shape! But oh, I miss my dubstep. Or please just give me some good hard NZ Drum&Bass...

What's gonna happen next? What are my big bad cunning plans? Well, some travelling in Europe but after that? Well, I am - naively - like everyone else looking for a job. And again - naively - I didn't think it was gonna be such a big problem. I've got a truck-drivers-license and there used to be heaps of jobs around but last summer the Swedish government wanted to get rid of the shortage and educated heaps of people. Which means no work for me. Gah. I'm of course looking for everything else as well. But nothing seams to be out there. No work, no money. But why hang around in Stockholm, I have to eat any ways and travel doesn't really cost that much - I hitch hike and stay at peoples couches. Visiting friends and family. Yay.

So what's going on after the summer? Uhm, I don't know. I'd like to stay in Sweden at least a few months, so I can get real tired of the country and I also wanna play with all my cute friends here for a while. I've missed them so bad. Do some larping, which can only be done here in northern Europe to my likings. Love it!! But to stay up here while winters coming and making us all into ice cubes? I don't know. I've been looking at some places in east Asia or Japan, I thought I'd give English teaching a go. Yeah, I know I still got lots to learn. My spelling is not the best one, I've got no teaching experience and don't even talk about grammar - don't know shit. But I can learn? And even though its not a dream of mine to become a English teacher. Not like "Yay, this is what I wanna do with my life!" - thing. But it should give me the chance to explore the Asian continent, get work and travel. And that I don't need to come back to Europe to earn money.

Now I just have to figure out where in Asia I'd like to go. They've got some courses over there that would make me qualified and I could start teaching strait away. And if I'm lucky or rather I need to find some that are supported by he Swedish student loans, that way they'll pay for my ticket and I'll get some money for food.

But for now I need to find work or school for the fall term. I really'd like give English a shot at the university here in Stockholm but I'm not sure if I get the chance or can keep my feet based in Stockholm for that long. And I don't have anywhere to live either. Hmm. Ah, well. That's just me and my life I guess - I'll get by somehow. I always do, or don't I? And oh, I do really wanna keep going with my art thing, I wanna study more! But this time around I'd like to give it some more time, check out the school first and start my bachelors when I'm sure that that's gonna be my country and school for the next 3 years. NMIT, the school in Nelson I attended turned out to be shit, half the courses I had to take weren't even art!! WTF? At the moment, I can't seam to keep still for even 2 weeks. Oh yeah, that could become a problem while looking for work. I'm not used to this month to month business any more, I like the weekly system of New Zealand.

To sum things up, if you got any idea where I could stay in Stockholm for the fall, just a spot on a floor would even do, some work or school stuff. Keep me posted, will ya!

My home is the road, the one that you all walk upon and at the end of the day leave - without even saying goodbye. This is where I live, where I learn. And I'm back on it. I stayed in Stockholm for almost 2 weeks after a week at my mums, where I'm at right now (again). I do really like it in Stockholm but I suffer from a rather normal addiction which most people can handle but I can't seam to control - itchy feet. I need to feel the road under my feet. I'm addicted to it. Worse then sugar, nicotine or fucking for confidence.

So I'm back home, back on my road. On Thursday I'll be hitting Göteborg, Halmstad on Friday, Malmö on Sunday and Hamburg on Monday. Tuesday to Friday I'll be in Hanover saying hi to my aunty (and maybe even my dad? Wow, its been... a long fucking time. I cant remember the last time I saw him). Getting back on the road again to hit Copenhagen and "The cute Danish Guy" (Shit I really gotta find a better nick name for him) and hopefully participating in a larp on Saturday. Wow, this is way to much planing, I usually don't do it this way but I had the luck (my luck again, yay!) that I found someone going to both Göteborg this week and hitting Germany next week. So why the hell not? And if you're around the places I'll be hitting, come out and play!!


I still need somewhere in Malmö I can crash for a night? And oh, while you're ad it - being all helpful and so on - got any job or school for me?? Did I mention that I hate this fucking "not our fault you bloody idiots" financial crisis? Not our fault being us poor once and blaming it all, ignorant but true, on the idiots sitting there with huge amounts of imaginary money playing monopoly with the world economy. Bluntly but honestly - Fuck you!

I spent most of last week away from reality, hiding in a self pity place with a bad cold and once again being confronted with the idiocy of a female body, gah! I hate it! OK, I like being a woman, I've got no problem with that one - but the physical body? Well, I could have done without some stuff that always wants to act up, at least once a month and all the hormonal shit that comes along with it. Not to mention the fact of breast cancer, or other female orientated cancer. I've checked it out and with about 100% probability I'll be getting one of them by the time I hit 40 - if not sooner. Gah! I'm just glad that I never wanted children cause when I found out (about 10 years ago??) that it runs in the family I decided that I'd never get them. So its even more annoying each month having to bleed like a pig/cry like a baby/hormonal hell/pain!! without a real reason other then the pure pleasure of a (malfunctioning?) female body. I've decided that when I hit 30 or there abouts, I'll get rid of the breast - take out what's inside and put some other shit in - and hopefully get rid of my uterus too. Once I'm out they might as well take the whole lot. Enough of the whining for now.

Almost lift off, and I have no Idea what I'm doing. Just a couple of more hours in Sweden and I haven't, as you can see, had any time to blog this month. Filling out the damned forms and biting my nails off waiting for my passport to return from first the Swedish immigrations board then Holland where my nearest New Zealand Embassy is (Going back and forth for some wired reason).

But I had time to play a lot with my fiends, go camping with Cat, be an inquisitor at a larp and scare the hell out of people. I moved from my place in Kista, all my stuff is now in Småland at my mums (Thanks a lot!). I'll travel light? Well 20 kg was all the airline would allow. I've become a Swedish citizen but am holding on to my German as well. Now I have to be a part of the strange traditions that I've been trying to avoid my hole life. But I still don't understand them!

My last days in Sweden was spent with Cat in the middle of Stockholm just a few minutes away from the central station. At night we walked around, smiling, talking, exploring, UE and just falling in love all over again - with the city and with each other.

At the Larp Kastaria I had some beautiful experiences. Lots of heavy intrigues and real nice playtime. Apart from some bad mistakes made by a couple of participants the hole thing surprised me and sill gives me the chills when Evelyns memories pop into my head. Lots of huge hugs to my group, the people seeking faith and forgiveness and of course to K&H (I could cry for less). The feelings of a character always lingers on afterwards and it's no different this time around. My personal larp keeps on going in my head and the thought of her life is calming and mysterious all at once!

Hopes and quests for my"new life" down under:

Having a good and educational time at School

Get a bike, see everything!

Check out he Buddhist centres near by

Not forgetting about how to be a relationship anarchist, knowing that it's the best way for me to go without getting a bad reputation

Not getting into fights just because I have lots strong feeling about politics, environment and being a veggie.

Finding my next tattoo

Finding things that I need/want in my life:

Dancing

Larp

Free role-playing

Improvisation

That's quite the list, well then I guess I just have to take a deep breath of the Stockholm morning air, crawl into bed for a quick nap and be on my way to the other side, wanna join?

Song of the day: Dedications to K for the marvellous game time.


Song of the Month: Dedications to Cat for all the love and good times, my heart still skippes a beat when you look at me.

So I must confess, I'm totally and utterly in love. And that might be a reason why I haven't had the time to blog. And that everything is kinda hectic, but in a good way, right now. Which is kinda inconvenient in time consuming way and of course that I'm leaving in a couple of months. But the relationship anarchy theory is working a lot better than I hopped.

So Solmukohta was absolutely fantastic! The best thing about it was my total sense of freedom. I could do what I wanted, didn't have to wait for anyone, try to explain why I wanted to go to this or that seminar or stay up way to late. It was just me and of course lots of beautiful, funny, lovely friends. Having the time of my life!

Saturday was my favorite. It started off with "Listening dramatics", a seminar/workshop on how to listen and work together at larps to create contacts between characters that otherwise would have been missed. It ended with a great exorcise and lots of inner thoughts about why I love to Larp.

Next up was a mini Larp called "Tango for two". We worked in pairs and played for a couple of hours, where one of us was the conscience and the other one was the present real character. Like a director and the actor but in a different setting. New technics on how to push each other in different directions and keep going when it gets hard.

Contact improvisation was a magical moment The hole day was about interactive and improvising with play, exorcises and theatre. Moving, playing and expressing emotions while dancing is one of my favorite seminaries. I absolutely love it and have started to actually crave dancing. Can't sit still, need to move, feel and live. I need more!

We went by boat to Finland on Thursday and been partying every night until Monday morning when we finally got home. The traditional gala dinner was in a sci-fi theme this year, with costumes and all of course. So I borrowed Cats cyborg eye. Couldn't see anything on one side but it looked great! Thanks Cat!

Last weekend we played "Sartre", a larp with the gang from "a nice evening with the family" larp last summer. A strange and lovely larp were we kept on pushing the directors and characters in different situations. This gives the game a totally new experience and adds on so many levels but is really hard to explain.

I have meet a some artist over the last days and I'm so inspired that I don't really know where to start and when to stop. My kitchen is now a working space, as the rest of my shoe box apartment and a huge wire art piece is hanging from the ceiling. The problem isn't that I can hardly get around it or that it makes me lose contact with time while working on it, it's that the space is to small. The ceiling is not high enough and I really don't know how to solve that one, or where I shall store it?! Well, I have to get it done first.

Just came back from my first Inlines tour of the year, it felt like I never stopped and feeling the wind in my face while speeding on made me feel alive. Today was a good one. Thanks to the good looking company as well.

Artist of the day: Florentijn Hofman When I grow old I wanna be a great artist just like him, or thats at least the "WOW!!" kinda thoughts that pass through my head while looking at his art.

Song of the day: Nine Inch Nails - The great Destroyer

Jag och Annika pratar om Pervasive spel i P3 imorse. Oändligt nervöst men spännande =) Lyssna och slå inte ihjäl mig för de kanske något snabba och flumiga pratet. (Bilden är tagen från spelet prosopopeia.)

Och paniken infinner sig. Inte för att uppgifterna inte är klara, proven måste bli pluggade till eller julpaniken tagit över. Nej, det är för att hur ska jag klara mig utan min skola över hela den förbannade julen. Den kommersiella högtiden jag lärt mig att avsky. När jag vaknar på morronen är det ända jag tänker på att komma så snabbt som möjligt till skolan igen. Rent logiskt sett så borde jag haft idétorka för länge sen men det känns som min kreativitet äntligen tar revanch och ger mig massor mer att göra. Kan inte sluta skapa. Kan inte stänga av min högra hjärnhalva.

Det händer att jag stannar mitt på stan för att teckna ned en idé. Mitt anteckningsblock är fyllt med skisser istället för ord, och de säger mycket mer än ord någonsin kan. Sista veckan har varit helt otrolig. Bara jag får skulptera så kommer jag att bli en lyckligare människa. Tuff vecka med sjukt rolig. Viktig.


Sista månaden har varit ganska omtumlande i stort. Maskspel och Conspirare har varit sjuk kul även om jag inte haft så mycket tid för det som jag velat. Morsan mår bättre och är äntligen hemma igen. Men mest av allt har skolan tagit över mitt liv vilket är helt underbart. Jag ställer mig gärna till skaran med plugghästar, ända skillnaden är att jag inte skriver mina anteckningar.

Dagens lajv: Kollegielajvet
Dagens musik: GoGo Bordello - Konsert imorron!
Dagens aj!: Kazais rygg som pajat för gott??
(Fotografi på ett av mina projekt, en mask i ståltråd som jag använde under just fotokursen)

Sorry morsan, var inte meningen att vara hård. Här är en lite ursäkt, videon med Emil. Såhär fånig är min lilleborsa, enjoy! Och för alla som inte känner till historien så är alltså Emil morsans hund och han älskar att sjunga. Nej, vi plågar honom inte! I bakgrunden hörs Nine Inch Nails - That´s what I get. Hittade seriöst en live inspelning från 90 talet, jösses det var länge sen Trent såg ut sådär. Men han är fortfarande het som fan och våran alldeles egna husgud.

Lever fortfarande på minnen från helgen och ser förväntansfullt på Vändpunkter som är nästa lajv i ordningen. Sanningen om Marika har premiär den 28/10 och jag är hur nyfiken som helst på reaktionerna. Jag hoppas verkligen folk letar efter henne, sökandet är redan igång. Vad vill ni?

Dagens låt: Gute Nacht, Friederike!
Dagens film: 21 Grams
Dagens youtube är till Christopher Walkens ära, denna legend som lärt oss dricka Cava:
"Cava in the morning, you drink it like this.. Just like Christopher Walken always just to tell us!"
(That is all I have to say)

Ursäkta boomen utav länkar idag, sånt som händer när man vill visa vad man pratar om?

Grymt borta i huvudet fortfarande efter helgens lajv. Hade väldigt roligt som Isabelle Hannus, personalchef på AssetBrand. En obehaglig person med svårt att visa känslor, vilket var väldigt knepigt att spela men en rolig utmaning.

Helgen tillbringades alltså på ett kryssningsfartyg till Tallinn men tillhörande stadsvandring och Galleribesök som jag inte kunde låta bli. Säkert tio stycken blev det. Nöjd.

Måndag morron startades av en konsthistorialektion med konstkritikern Jessica Kempe. Hon hade bra argumentationer även om de möjligtvis var något förvirrande uttryckta men såpass självklara att alla borde förstått men de var inte fallet. Föreläsningen idag så även förra måndagen handlade till stor del om att det bara finns en människoras och att vi egentligen inte har en hudfärg eftersom färg inte finns. Mycket filosofisk emellanåt men viktig. Det riktigt riktigt obegagliga var att folk inte fattade det här. De trodde på fullaste allvar att det fanns fler raser, att generna skilde sig åt och var annorlunda. Något som sjävklart inte är fallet. Blev så förbannad och häpen. 2007 och folk har fortfarande inte fattat. Är det möjligt? Är vi som pluggar konst inte emot normen och brottas med samhällsfrågor? Eller är det min naiva vanföreställning av verkligenheten. Ett litet hopp?

Massor snurrar fortfarande omkring efter lajvet. Har sällan spottat så mycket vansiniga meningar utan relevans eller innebörd, i alla fall inte någon som jag förståd. Hoppas att jag hängde med i snacket hursom. Det var grymt svårt. Isabelle bjöd på många skumma situatuioner. Ganska många obehagliga sånna. Inklämnd på lunchen mittemot exet och grälandes om jobbprestationer, utskällning av VDn mitt i natten för underminerande av Regionalchefen (exet Måns Brenner), dumpande/dumpad av Sebastian Svensson, frågorna om hur avklädd man kan vara på dansgolvet (jag hade skjorta, byxor och högklackat - tillknäppt), avskedande av Peter Kovac.

Lösa citat från lajvet:

Isabelle till Josef när jag springer efter Peter Kovac som är ledsen:
"Ur min väg, du vet inte din position!"

Sebastian Svensson:
"jag gillar dig men..."
Isabelle går iväg.
Senare på kvällen försöker hon förklara att det är hon som dumpat honom. När han frågar henne vad hon vill säger Isabelle
"jag vet vad jag vill men inte om det är med Philip på måndag eller Jonas på onsdag..."

Isabelle:
"Jobbet slutar inte bara för att klockan säger det!"

"Vi måste se till personalens nutidkompetens och inte vad de har i sitt CV."

Måns Brenner på dansgolvet till Isabelle. De har haft ögonkontakt ett bra tag, sedan dansat allt närmare och står nu tätt tätt, nästan alldeles för nära:
Måns: "Vad gör du med mig?"
Isabelle: "Vad?"
Måns: "Vad vill du egentligen?"
Isabelle: "Vad vill du?"
Måns: "hur påverkar det här min karriär?"
Isabelle blir förbannad gör "Talk to the hand cause the face wont litsen" och går med ilskna steg därifrån.

Många arbetsmöten och jobbinterjuver senare så slutar fredagkvällen på dansgolvet --> baren --> efterfest i hytten. Där det på något märkligt sätt vid kl 2 på natten övergår till sanning och konke. Mycket bissart. Lördagen spenderades i Tallinn med tillhörade arbetsmöten, lunchgräl, galleribesök och "nej jag råkade inte precis nudda din hand" - flirt med ekonomiassistenten. Även Richard Hanson blev involverad på ett hörn, mycket märkligt. Isabelle avskydde honom som pesten men efter ett tag var han en av dem få som lyssnade, fattade vad det handlade om och visste alla ledningshemligheter. 3 timmar sömn per natt eftersom jag på något mystiskt sätt hade fått väckningsansvaret och vägrade gå o lägga mig tidigt bara pga det.

Isabelles avslutningscitat till Helena Brinkensthål och Ann-Charlotte Järnliden:
"Tejer, I´m all in!"
Senare på kvällen ångrar hon sig ialla fall och med störrsta sannolikhet kommer hon bli omplacerad på TerraFirma istället för AssetBrand där hon nu jobbar, om det innebär en likvädig lön. Företaget med tjejerna kanske blir ett hobbyprojekt? Sebastian var nog bara en harmlös flört och rädslan för att bli bränd igen, som efter Måns, är alldeles för stor. Hade ögonkontakt under stora delar av lajvet, grymt spel som betydde såväl "kom hit och knulla" som "jag kommer att döda dig långsamt s du hinner lida!".

Bästa avrollningen ever var hursomhelst när jag och aka. Måns Brenner efter lajvet dansade till fånga nittiotals hits med gryma moves. Helt skumt och jävligt skoj. Teaterimprobisarrdans. Energiboost och sjukt roligt. Tack!

Dagens känsla: Disorienterad jetlad och postlajv.
Helgens Stad: Tallinn!!!
Dagens Youtube fick jag tips om på dansgolvet ombord av aka. Anders Råge med offlajv:

Internet äter timmar lika illa som Tvn men det känns som man får ut något av det mer än total braindead tid hursom. Tiden rullar på. Såren läker inte utan knuffas våldsamt under mattan och glöms bort. Parkeringsplatsen är fortfarande lika ekande tom och löven faller runt omkring mig.

Dagens mest passande låt: Säkert - allt som är ditt


Gårdagens citat: "Nå, hur känns det att vara vuxen då?" - Ale när han ser mig i kostym och högklackat inför "Afterwork". Ett förlajv till nästa helgs Tallin kick-off lajvresa. Kommer bli grymt!
Fotokonst på hög nivå: http://www.svenprim.com/
Dagens Youtube: En gammal klassiker som aldrig förlorar sin edge. Pratade om den i skolan i fredags, helt enkelt grym videokonst. Tack Chris Cunningham!

Han har även gjort dessa videos:
Björk - all is full of love
Madonna - Frozen
Alla har blivit personliga favoriter för mig.

Ville verkligen verkligen inte hem! Det var helt enkelt underbart! Vad ska jag mer säga än vilken underbar tid jag har haft, helt ofattbart bra, går inte att förklara. Dagarna fylldes med mysiga människor, massa jobb och lajvande. Vad kan jag mer begära? Toppingen blev bättre och bättre spel samt en alldeles egen rolltolkning på slutet med "Lissie" i "Sanna kvinnor." Det gick inte så bra för henne men det var otroligt kul att springa omkring i huset och ha två galna regisörer tom terroriserade mig med "The pain... the pain!" eller "it´s all your fault...!". Har mängder att berätta men mycket mindre tid. (Bild: Follökna, herrgården (?) där vi höll till på En stilla middag med familjen)

Idag började mitt nya liv, eller så smög det sig på mig för ett bra tag och idag gjorde jag ett nytt steg i rätt riktning. Idag började jag på konstskola och jag är hur nöjd som helst. Det är få saker som kan vara bättre just nu i mitt liv. Kan uppriktigt säga att jag är lycklig, vilket inte händer mig så ofta. Klassen var stor och läskig, de hade på sig alldeles vanliga och normala kläder. Mycket märkligt. Lokalerna är gigantiska och ljusa, skolan har en alldeles egen liten park som vi genast utnyttjade till picknick. Tror verkligen jag kommer stormtrivas där.

Dagens lärdom: Ta på dig ett par galna skor, gärna i kraftig färg, när du tittar ned pga av deppighet/stressad så kan du inte göra något annat än bara skratta. Vem är så dum så de gör ett par asienmönstrade knallröda skor? Och vem är så dum som sen köper dem? Lyft hakan igen och sprid leendet.
Dagens upplevelse: Upptäcka att den häfftiga byggnaden i parken faktiskt var min nya skola.
Gårdagens begäran: "vad ska jag göra på lunchen nu, du har ju inte skrivit något i din blogg!" Varsegod Ale!
Dagens Youtube: Oväntat bra och charmiga - Säkert!

Först och viktigast NIN (Nine inch nails). Fan vad bra de var! Bästa konserten av de tre jag sett. Synd bara att publiken var så oändligt tråkiga och svårrodda. Själv stod jag och sjöng, dansade och stuttsade i vanlig ordning med tillhörande jubel. Resten stod och såg emo ut, undra om de ens visste att han gått ur sin gothperiod ganska mycket vid det här laget.

Fredags var sista jobbdagen och mycket riktigt skulle jag få käka upp mina löften. Nånstans framemot eftermiddagen börjar det komma krypande men jag tvärvägrar och går på mysig date med Kazai istället. Blev hyffsad tid i säng ändå och vaknar nästa morron med feber. Typiskt! Stålande solsken ute, första semesterdagen och 39 graders feber. Sen dess har förkylningen vägrat släppa helt och nu är den tillbaka. Tappat rösten idag vilket kanske var lite självförvållat eftersom jag verkligen verkligen ville bada igår. Typiskt. Men ändå irriterade att bara kunna få fram kraxningar och helt av allt producera tysta ljudstötningar, hosta eller gny.

Superstressat för att hinna med, varit en packad vecka och nu imorron bitti bär det av till "en stilla middag med familjen". Ska jobba där som, crew ända fram till den 25 och även vara med på ett utav spelen. Ska bli hur roligt som helst! Även om jag är lite orolig för vad jag har gett mig in på. Laga mat till ca -60 pers! Jag som tycker att nudlar är lagom avancerat, visst jag kan men det är verkligen ingen sysselsättning jag föredrar.

Märklig fakta från förra veckan är att P1 drabbas framförallt av störningar, brus och något som mest kan liknas vid EVP när andra fordon kör i närheten och den lyckas även ibland plocka upp deras ljud. Ännu skummare är att jag faktiskt kommer på mig själv med att sakna P1 även om Wolfgang, som jag döpte lastbilen till, och arbetskamraterna var ganska självklara svar.

Dagens låt: Dull Flame Of Desire med Björk på nya albumet Volta
Dagens goda gärning: Köpt en ny backspegel! Gamla blev snodd för några månader sen.

Säng, får jag sova lite, säng får jag sova lite... (Galenskaparna)