Yeah, I know. I haven't blogged for a while and now the only thing I seem to come up with is to post this silly song that you all wont read the lyrics to anyways. But bare with me, I'll highlight the parts that are important (especially the part at the end) and leave the rest to become a secret message that is way to obvious anyways.
Cause of way to much work and a general lack of (self-esteem?) + inspiration that doesn't become all to personal this blog has been somewhat on hold for the last couple of months. I guess I'm just hoping I'll tend to it a bit more in the future. (And you're feedback means the world to me.)
Emily's Heart Lyrics
Bottle of wine, and an old 45, rifle in the corner that her grandfather left her when he died, Said no surprise, i've had to use it quite a few times, So Jay, don't you ever let us down, don't you ever, i'll have to shoot you and no one will hear a sound
Bruised and bloody, i'm lying on the ground, And I am aware that I let the poor girl down, Now i'm dying, as a message to the town, This what happens, if you fuck around, So meddle if you want trouble, trouble then you should meddle, But don't ever meddle with Emily?s heart
She said, get your coat, come on, To the dog track with the money right, Yeah we had some fun, Left with more 'cause we won, I was under investigation on suspicion of doing her wrong, She said, you've become a villain, accused of a hit and run, Said, she hit me first, and I, say it's the worst that I ever felt, In a broken heart. Bloodstains on her shirt crease and, hope she pays the dues, When I left she said, that your last breath will be down by the station at 2, Swear she shot me down.
Bruised and bloody, i'm lying on the ground, And I am aware that I let the poor girl down, Now i'm dying, as a message to the town, This what happens, if you fuck around, So whenever, you want trouble, trouble then you should meddle, But don't ever meddle with Emily?s heart
She said i'm a user, and she's a loser with a gun, I said if you choose to it becomes hard to include anyone, So if you stay, put it away, or should I run? She said I think you know the answer to your question,
So for the smiles, and all of the miles that the engine?s done, The further I drive away the closer we become, So if I stay, would you put it away, and forgive this one son? She said Jay I think you know the answer to your question Bruised and bloody, i'm lying on the ground, And I am aware that I let the poor girl down, Now i'm dying, as a message to the town, This what happens, if you fuck around, So meddle if you want trouble, trouble then you should meddle, But don't ever meddle with Emily's heart
I MISS YOU! I wanna go back! I wanna go back in you're lovin arms and spend maybe not the rest of my life there but a considered amount. Right there.. At knutpunkt. With Knutpunkt. With you all. And I can't really seem to shake the feeling of "this is a dream... this ain't real". I guess I'm not a fan of reality.
This week has gone by in a haze, were nothing really seems to be important at all. Cause what is life anyways if I can't wake up and be late for the next larp? What is life if I can't wake up to a smile?
Who where you last week? I've been...
...in a mental institution in "A place for her to rest", revisiting one of my favourite games. Was the victim in the infamous"GR". A communist, believing in Love while desperately fighting for my life in "The Baaden Meinhof Experiment". Cried from 9AM till 1PM while killing myself in "Amanda and the Razorblade". Had a "Super fantastic epic fantasy mega zone larping experience". Throw myself of a building in a "kick start game". Got heartbroken twice in "Heartburn(er)". Was a drug dealer with a blind date complete with tape in "Where our destinies meet". Was close to tears all through "The Journey" and said yes to a very romantic and ever so Christian marriage proposal in "Previous occupants".
Did I forget something? Probably. In between I spent my time lovin' the people around me, dancing heaps (contact improvisation and disco) and of course - Partying! (And time to reveal the secret? Kissing.)
Thank you:To all of those who've directed me, played with me, danced, smiled, cried and loved. Thanks to all of them who attended both a week in and during knutpunkt. To all the beautiful people I got to host during the week and to those I got to find homes for. To all of those who I consider friends even though we just meet this one time per year. You all know who you are. Missin' ya heaps.
And how could I forget, "you're always mockin' me...!" - Me in a heavy mixture of kiwi and British accent. I missed you the second I noticed I could open my mouth and talk without you making fun of me. Sucks heaps.
Question/my own quote of the day:
Hoping for another tomorrow where dreams come true, will you be there waiting for me?
Heart:I had yet another perfect "rebound" last week. A charming and loving person I'm gonna call "New York" cause of his accent. (yes, a he - again, seems to be my thing, for now anyways? Not a clue.) And just like last year its one of the Dane's. Again. Haha. So this person, this NY, I didn't really notice until it was way to late to resist. Ok, his charm was quite out there but not at all my style. I go for tattoos, dreads, piercings, tall and thin, androgynous, woman, way out there style and most of all - Hair. There has to be something special about your hair. But then there was you. And your charm blow me away. (Don't get me wrong, you're real fine. In every meaning of the word. Gosh, wh at ever I write will be an opening for misinterpretation, I do hope you get what I mean. This is meant as a compliment, nothing else.)
It started with one of the most powerful things ever - larping. We we're in a "game" together, where I first had that "wow" feeling, the one that made me interested. "A place for her to rest" in the flatbox, dancing at the end. And NY's arms, the energy of the game. Wow. Bubbles? Yeah. Suppressed bubbles.
Next game was a real challenge, on Wednesday night we attended a jeep form larp together called "GR" which I wont go into at this point but lets just say that it hit the spot in a quite painful way and cause NY said just before that he was a very protective person I curled up into those sweet arms afterwards.
And even though I know we only had last week, that weekend, Knutpunkt and the life there together. I didn't care. You said you wanted to save the world and I said just smiled and knew that you were the kind that I'd love to settle down with one day. Even though I know we wont be, we wont have that future - being worlds apart - you showed me that there was a totally different future if I wanted it. And I didn't even know I actually wanted that, always looked down on people who wanted to settle down. Hmm, one day I might. Until then, thank you and I do hope that we meet up again. As friends, as lovers, as inspiring creative boosters, as larpers. Besides, we've always got New York - cause you promised to show me the city one sweet day (while dancing to "Empire State of Mind").
(And yes, I could fall for you. But I wont let myself. Not this time around. Not if it isn't mutual.)
Youtube of the day complete with a dedication to "New York":
Ps. Still trying hard to get over the one I've lost and who wont be found again. Ds.
And I'm not suppose to blogg but to work on my project but what the hell aye? I need to get this out of my system.
So as you might have noticed, Zhe is out of my life. Gone. And yet again, I wont get into the details. Its still to vivid. To emotional. Still to hurtful. That someone's silence could kill a love like that is, huh, no. I'm not gonna do this. Not now.
However I've probably had the perfect rebound just a few weeks ago, a friend of mine who's sweet but not to sweet. Who I wont fall for but is "nice enough" to date. The fact that hir became a instant vegetarian while watching "Eartlings" with me, knows heaps if philosophy and has that London accent is probably the reasons why I liked hir in the first place. And just as we were sorta going "uhm, so what is this shit between us?" London (which is the rebounds nick name cause of the heavy London accent) fell in love with someone else and decided - which seems to be the theme for a lot of people - that "hey, I'm not a relationship anarchist when I have a real relationship". Haha! you wish. But I got out before getting any bubble stomach feelings. Puh. And we're still friends. But of course we'll probably not hang out as much anymore cause as soon as someone gets a "real relationship" (Gah, I hate it when they call it that) people tend to disappear. Btw, this is a dare. What do you say, London?
I guess I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and concentrating on my job plus of course Knutpunk.se which is on including "A week in Stockholm". This means that I've got up to 8 (!!) friends from all over, mostly German and Danish, at my place. Woho! Lovin' it.
Spring is finally here. I can feel it in the air. But there is something missing. I've said all winter long that "when spring finally comes, our feelings will thaw as the world thaws too." And they have. Not just to one person but to... the world? The feeling of being in love hits me several times per day or its more in the background without me being able to shout it down, but I've got no one on the receiving end which is sorta weird. But I guess for the better. I can focus my energy on other stuff. Such as Knutpunkt an larping.
Randomly spontaneously flirted with a cutie on the train yesterday though. Which is so not like me. Ok, people say I flirt all the time - even when I don't mean to. This thing started with me just being way to stubborn and feminist to look down when our eyes meet. And after a couple of cute winks, a few minutes "pretending to stare outside the window while looking at one another through the reflections" and a starring "contest" hir came over go chat.
"So what are you up to tonight?"
and I answered, "actually, I'm going out with a bunch of larpers to celebrate. You know what a larp is?"
And guess what, hir knew. We parted with a hug, not exchanging phone numbers but leaving with a smile. Everything that's required for a boost of self-esteem. Thank you. Whoever you are. Maybe we'll meet again, maybe we wont. However, I wish hir luck on grandma's funeral. And you're performance. Sending some thoughts your way, just so you know.
Note to self: Self-esteem doesn't come from someone else but from yourself. I don't have to tell you that, just wanted to clarify it once more.
Soundtrack: Yann Tiersen
Picture: Tussilago - one of our famous spring flowers.
I admit it, I've been having a slight addiction to Fortune cookies - the ones on the web - for quite a while now and love the irrational thoughts they randomly throw at you. And a lot of them do actually make me think. But I guess a lot of things make me "think" at the moment, all the while I'm trying hard to take action and letting go of things that simply aren't good for me.
The weekend before last I was at Prolog (http://lajvkonvent.se) which is a larp convention (and in this post I wont even get into what larp is, I think I've tried to explain it quite a few times already, there's always wiki if you've got no idea at all). Anyhow, I went to several larps but this one really got to me.
The game was about a bunch of friends who shared a flat together and their life. To summon it up in; The 70-tees, Free love, one monogamous couple and lots of hippies. The game in it self was brilliant and the new meta techniques were awesome but the best of all was the warm feeling I had (and still have) in my tummy of how it was (is?) to truely be loved and respected by your friends and partners. And even though I was just playing a character some of it stuck with me. The love. Oh, wow... I needed that love.
It made me see who my true friends are. And even though we might not talk to each other every day, we'll always be there for one another. The conclusion? I'm still working on it but dancing all Saturday night sure as hell helped. It always does. (Inc a cute girl I've been dating on and off this winter and who I've obviously offended without knowing how + a cute and very unexpected "getting lost in the moment" - episode at 5PM on the dance floor with someone else. But nothing makes a Saturday night complete without falling asleep on the train which made me that I actually missed my station 3 whole times! Got home at 7.30 AM.) This weekend? Göteborg!
And to tell ya the truth, I don't know if I believe in fortune cookies at all and for the most part they aren't even vegan so I wont eat them but you gotta admit - their kinda cute.
Heart: Quiet
Soundtrack: Talking to friends at Geek Woman United - after work
Quote of the day: Shakespear
"JULIET
O fortune, fortune! all men call thee fickle: If thouart fickle, what dost thou with him.
That is renown'd for faith? Be fickle, fortune;
For then, Ihope, thou wilt not keep him long, But send him back. (3.5.60-64)"
Never had a real full time job before. Not a proper one that isn't only during the summer. All of the sudden everything changes. And having two jobs, well... it might be just a bit to much. So I've decided to quit Guiding even though I kinda liked it I just don't have the energy for a 6 2/1 day week. 5 days (and all my projects) is quite enough, thank you. I guess it will take some time until I get used to all of this. I'm still wondering what "normal" people do or rather - how they do what they do.
Now for the confusing thing of joining the union... And picking a union too!
Heart: I'm cured. Tell you more about it later. But for now, the spell is broken and I'm free once more. Finally. With a calm warm feeling in my tummy.
Picture: SAC - the union I'm thinking of joining.
Soundtrack: Green Day - Working class hero
I'm done! I did it! In the total amount of 8 funckin' painful hours, divided into 5 sessions I finally finished it! And here is the result. My beloved tree. Posted n' all, just as I promised.
Soundtrack: Romeo and Juliet Op. 64, Act I: Introduction Spotify, I know but that's my soundtrack for the night.
Pictures: of me straitly after my tattoo finally was all done. Or I hope it is!!
Heart: Uhm, the "leap of faith" thing seemed to work? Or did it? No idea. However, I was brave enough to admit stuff. Good on ya.
Now: Sleep deprived, writing and packing up while my laundry was nicknacked by the evil time look and preparing myself for Prolog this weekend (tomorrow morning). A Swedish Larp convention. Yay! And I'm extremely nervous - organising one of the events, I'm writing a larp. Woah. "Christmas - 01" (2001) was my first and last one so I thought to myself, its about time. Behold. "Past. Present. Future." Here I come!
This is bullshit, utter and complete bullshit! I'm so sick of feeling sorry for myself. I guess I'm just not meant for winter, so even if I can't change the weather I should be able to change the way I feel about it? Its time to take a Leap of Faith.
To do:
1. Breathe
2. Try to get some sleep
3. Keep up with my projects even if I don't feel like them at the moment
4. Confess - Confide - Forgive - Let go
5. Get rid of "Winter" = Yoga + Larp + Dance
(6. Don't run. Just ask Zhe. Don't hide.)
Chickening our again? No. Its time for me to take a leap of faith. My heart is racing (like fuck...)
Picture: This picture is a gift for Zhe, Happy Birthday! We (me and Zhe) were taking a walk, hand in hand, in my home town of Stockholm in early December. Watching the sunset, talking and looking at all the great street art everywhere + some we had lots of fun urban exploring.
So I found out that poem, that lovely poem Zhe had written it was indeed about us (and posted on his blogg - in Swedish). Ok. Breathe. But what does it mean? What does it actually say? At the end of the day, to be quite frank, I haven't got a clue. But its nice. And if feels nice to be mentioned, to be someone's mind, to be written about and remembered. It feels... warm I guess is the best way to explain it.
Oh, btw. Zhe is not coming around this weekend. I sorta already knew, time optimist. But I'm not hurt, I'm not sad. Its ok. I'm still just so happy that Zhe actually wanted to meet up with me. To be completely honest, I'm quite relived. I'm not sure how I would have handled it. Besides, I'm in no condition to be all nice and loving towards anyone at the moment. Uhm, no. Rephrasing. I'm in no condition to be close to someone. Freakin' winter mood. If you haven't experienced the cold - both inside and outside - of Stockholm then uhm, I guess I just wont be able to wrap it into words either. Lets just keep to a simple explanation, a simple one - Winter.
Green: I'm so fuckin' pissed of at everyone wearing fur! And I'll leave you with the green homepage of the day. Wanna come and join in the fun and games with me? Its dressing the Olsen twins in fur coats.
Picture of me and Zhe: Sometimes I wonder, Are you really there at all? And if you are, do you wanna see me?
Gosh, how long have I not wanted for you to ask me that exact question? I've longed for you to want me, to ask me, to say you miss me. I don't Even if its only make belive. Pretend. I don't know. Anything. And when you finally asked I suddenly felt so fuckin' scared. I could feel my heart racing, not knowing what I should answer. If I say yes, will my heart get broken all over again? Would I be able to "survive" another merry-go-around?
And as always I've got a (frickin' irritating) thirteen year old little girl with a pink jumper runnin' around inside that confused head of mine, bubble happy;
- "Yes!!! Oh, yes! Yes we'd like to see you! Of course we do.. yes. I've longed for this for so long."
Yet there's a different voice making pretty damn sure I listen to hir, someone being all Gothic deep inside;
- "Do you really belive he's really telling the truth? Do you really think he's gonna make it this time? Are you willing to put your heart on the line again?"
As they keep fighting for my attention I just stand here, stunned, not knowing what to do. My instincts tell me to run. Hide. Duck & Cover. But my heart...
Just seconds after my initial answer of: "Uhm.. gosh. Oh. Yes. I guess." I could hear myself (chattin') answer;
- "Yes! Oh yes! More then anything.... even if its just for a second."
Am I really that desperate? Do I need Zhe to want me cause I feel like I can't even stand myself - winter is upon me. And how could Zhe stand to be around me when I don't want me around this time of year in the first place? He warned me that he was all winter and scared. Once again I could see myself saying even though I probably know not to,(still chatting cause we both know that we'd just break down and cry if we heard each others voices)
- "If you can accept the "Winter version of me" I'll accept yours."
But then again, "its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"?
Zhe wrote an absolutely beautiful poem today. I still wonder what it means though, if my mind is making up stuff just cause I long to hear it?
However, for some strange reason (probably cause I have the nicest couch surfer ever at my house at the moment) I'm all bubble happy on this sunny day at work. Actually liking my jobs and new colleges. So all in all - a good, somewhat confused me is rounding up the post of the day with a smile and a lot of hope for the future.
Soundtrack: Front Minor - Where'd you go
Picture: Random picture of a cool sign I found in Stockholm that sorta reflects my thoughts of what I'm all about at the moment. Cause at the end of the day we're nothing but "now". And right "now"... I'm gonna listen to that thirteen year old girl and I'm gonna follow my heart.
I knew that this years valentine was gonna be a hard one (just as they always are?) so I prepared myself by (way in advance) asking a good friend of mine if he wanted to be my (friend) valentine and he agreed. To make things clear - I don't actually believe in Valentines day but it sorta gets to me anyhow. Even though I know its all a big consumption conspiracy thing.
Anyway, we ended up at a friends house, his brothers to be specific, the 14th of February. The dreaded day. Sigh. Getting quite drunk. Which in this case was both a blessing and maybe, just maybe, not the most brilliant moment of my life. Each time the guys went out to take a smoke I ended up on Facebook looking though all of my old pics with me and Zhe being all happy. Gah! No! Bad idea. Is Zhe still thinking of me at all? Am I being to honest again? Reviling? Maybe. Private blogging och Pulic display.
Ha, here I go again. I miss "us" so bad. Still. So I made the huge mistake of writing Zhe (the one I really wanted to ask in the first place),
"I know I shouldn't ask but I'm going to anyways - will you be my valentine?".
My Secret Valentine. I even attached a this picture of an Relationship Anarchy heart that I'd stitched for Zhe but haven't finished yet. For obvious reasons. Yes. Embarrassing. I know. But now for the worst part. Realising what I was about to do I cancelled the email before it got sent, or at least I think I did. Drunk and fumbling. Nervous. I haven't got a clue if it actually was sent at all, if I managed to stop it or if Zhe has had this quite desperate little message of love in that inbox without replying for all this time. Woah! And my inner thirteen year old girl is about go to nuts. Not knowing. Wanting to know. Wanting to hide. But more then anything, wanting attention. My secret valentine managed to be secret even to me.
Never ending story? Gee, I don't know. Sure feels like it.
Total. Got lots of topics but can't seem to get it down in print. Or in clear - for others - coherent thoughts. So I'll leave with a quick status update instead cause just as always, a lot has happened.
Heart: Broken. Nothing new. Everything New. Think I might have pissed of Zhe the other day. Want to be able not to care but I do. Even though I know better then to say "I'm sorry" I kinda sent hin a mail like that today, hmm. Wonder if Zhe will reply though.
Job: Haven't got one. Got two!! Starting tomorrow I'm gonna be taking calls and answering emails on a regular basis at a company sorta close by. Ok job and hopefully a nice team of people to hang out with at lunch time. They seemed sweet enough anyways. And I also got a job as a guide which means I have to take classes until I start working in May. Sure thing. I must admit, I'm a bit worried though. Going from unemployed 'n free to 6 1/2 days work per week (seems to be the case at the moment). Puh. But the best part is - both are in German/English/Swedish all at once. Yay!
Winter: Sucks.
Soundtrack: German streaming web radio. Trying to get in to a German frame of mind.
Picture: of my newest add to the tattoo family. I never could tell left from right and I've been thinking of getting a tattoo that will sorta always tell me which one's which. And I finally got it.
Usually my thinking process and design takes ages but on the bus to my dear beloved friend (since -98 we realised) who's alo my tattooist, I had a sudden flash of brilliance and decided then and there that I was gonna get it. Three small red dots on my left wrist. (Yes, Inspired by Christiania - the Anarchistic part of Copenhagen, Denmark but not the logo.^^ ) Left (Socialist). Anarchia. Fight.
I never got the whole "have a green and a red glove". However I'm very well aware of politics and in Sweden the right parties are blue and the ones on the left side are... guess what? Red. (I'm green red black I should add.)
And another Element to my list, Fire. (I've already got water, spirit and earth. Air is missing but to be honest, my logical side is missing too. (air often stands for logic and in my opinion also Wise Mind.)
Nomb. Trying to fight back those tears. As soon as I think its over they start all over again but I wont cry anymore. I've had enough. That's it. My heart is closed for business.
A friend of mine said : "What you need is to cry, and shout, and dance, and fight. Preferably all at once." Yeah, I should. I guess. But believe me when I say that at the smallest little things, I break down and cry.
"Nothing hurts like Hope" is written on my wall, thanks to another friend.
Nightmare: Heaps 'n Heaps! I usually fall asleep before I hit the pillow but this whole week has just been a struggle, tossing and turning. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall asleep again. Vivid nightmares and feeling restless altogether. However, I'd gotten "The Sandman" (wiki) form the library yesterday and gosh, it felt oddly comforting falling asleep with Morpheus in my hands.
Job: Third interview, still no answer from any of them though. Humpf.
Person of the day: Mr. Smith who wanted to throw up when he saw what actually happens inside the slaughter houses, even the ones in Sweden. And also watched Earthlings with me last week.
I thought I'd give you a private tour of my little head today. I should warn you though, there's heaps of whining, negative thoughts and the occasional sour comment.
Feels like I'm banging my head against the wall, going around in circles. I just can't seem to move on. But I guess Zhe has, untagged us (ha, yeah I know I'm thirteen) in one of our pictures. So why keep on dreaming?
A pessimist confronted with two bad options will chose both. A realist confronted with two bad options knows better then to chose and will whine "when" they both occur.
Guess which one I am?
The "Quote" is made up by me, feel free to come up with a better phrase or comment. However, I got inspired by Smithis blog.
Completely unmotivated to everything the past week. Spending way to much time in my little room, my little cocoon. Rapped up in my thoughts and an overdose (is that even possible?) of Gilmore Girls. Winter time in Sweden, yay? Nope. Even though I must admit - the snow is absolutely beautiful. That winter wonder land outside my window is just a bit to much to handle though. Everything is frozen in time. My (non existing) relationship with Zhe. My friends back in Göteborg which I so wanna see again but rather not hitch below zero again (1900 kilometres was quite enough). Sweden is lovely in the summer but the rest of the year? Nah, I so (need?) wanna get out of here.And out of my sour feeling sorry for myself mood. Humpf.
Give me a job and I'm yours, Baby!
Picture: Zhe's picture which hir untagged us from.
The Winter Wonder Land - The playground I where I usually hang out in summer time.
Soundtrack: Well, its a bit embarrassing but I've come to appreciate all sorts of different music over the last year so here it is, soundtrack of the day is, behold, Beyoncé - Halo. Cause there's nothing like a Queer dance floor to change your mind. Got picked up by a cute girl at last summers Gay underwear party at Högkvarteret (or it got turned into that club later on). Thanks! Today its dedicated, oh my... You'll never guess? [Blank]
Nightmare: Yup. Can't remember what it was about but know I had some.
I was interviewed the morning after "Hit the Production" demonstration in Copenhagen - 13th of December 2009. These are my reflections... And me caught on camera! Gosh, I don't know whether to run and hide or smile. Gosh, I just look so exhausted and I'm not used to speaking in front of a camera at all. Talking way to fast, acting all nervous + of course, Mr. n' Mrs. pronunciation and vocabulary kindly waited outside my head to let me make a public fool out of myself. Even better, now I'm posting it on my blog?! Gee, another brilliant idea? One never knows. Well, my own private hall of shame/fame - Here I come.
THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE
| COPENHAGEN TURNS INTO A POLICE STATE | Part 1
THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE
| COPENHAGEN TURNS INTO A POLICE STATE | Part 2
THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE
| COPENHAGEN TURNS INTO A POLICE STATE | Part 3
Picture: Me having a Dread Head moment. And if you look carefully you can spot the huge as tree tattooed on my back.
Soundtrack: Perfect Circle - Sleeping beauty (Lyrics)
I know I've used it as my soundtrack before but its an classic and the video, fan made btw, is just brilliant. Besides, it sorta fits in perfectly with... oh gosh, here comes the melodramatic drama queen, my situation with Zhe. I. I. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Heart: Confused. Really confused. I replied Zhe's mail (just as I mentioned in my a previous post) Haven't gotten an answer to that one yet but, yes... we ended up chatting for a bit a couple of days ago. You know the drill, "I miss you, I'm still in love with you, this hurts like fuck". Gee. Thanks. Never could have guessed that one. Gosh, what ever am I going to do with you? (or with me for that matter?)
A good friend of mine said;
- "All the bad stuff and none of the good stuff. Genious."
- "Huh? none of the good?" I replied.
- "Yes, ponder this: if you've got a messed up relationship with Zhe then you'll at least get to be around hir. At the moment though, you're sitting all alone in your room, missing Zhe AND hurting. So none of the good stuff but all of the bad."
- "haha... yeah, you're right. I guess."
Thinking of moving to Göteborg, want to real bad. Although its sorta giving up on Stockholm, isn't it? Or is it just me wanting to hit the road again? In need of a new place? Something to get my mind of things? As far away from Zhe as I can get but hir knows all of the people in Göteborg too so... Been hiding from the world for the last week or so, not knowing what to do or where to go. Got another job interview here in town and I don't know what I want anymore. Torn between realities.
And just as I thought I had figured out a way to get over Zhe, just plain "let it hurt" and "accept" I got a mail from him. Saying how much he missed me ect. Gah! i don't even know what to say, what to feel. I'm still so in love. Humpf.
People of the day: Berget in Göteborg.
Soundtrack: Eddie Izzards laughter.
City of the Day: göteborg
Event of the day: New Years eve
Secret of the day: I finally got up the guts - Dreads!!! That's why my hair is totally messed up ;p
Picture of the Day: me hitching in Sweden.
Year of the day: 2009
So as I got searched and went finally let out of my hand cuffs (which are made out of plastic strapps), I was led into a huge industry hall. And there they were. I couldn't believe it. I've heard about them but didn't think the roumers were true - but they were. 2.4 x 2.4 x 5 m. Cage. Caged. Prision in its original meaning. I felt like a ferret, trapped. Never really thought about how much freedom meant ot me but all the sudden it was the only thing anyone of us could think about.
Woman and men were keeped seperat, about 10 in each cage (we were eleven). The interier consisted of two benches strapped to the "walls", three isolating matts (very much needed cause of the freezing concrete floor) and after a while we even got thin blankets. Oh, the joy in little favors! And the all important water bottles. At first we screamed, "let us out!" and all sorts of chants from the demonstration ("Hit the Production - demo") The silence came. Or well, it was never silent but I was exhasted and fell asleep. Waking up to realise that the nightmare was infact true. Feeling the bars undernieth with my fingers.
Then rage hit the room. We went mad. Crying out "No Juctic, No peace - Fuck the Police", "ACAB - All Cops Are Bastards", "Climate Justice Now!". Baning the walls with out water bottles, screaming madly. I guess we were about 270 people in that hall so the noise was deafening. Some of the cops wore ear protection grear along with their batons. Across from us was one of the few cages on our side of the hall with men in it. They started jumping around, dancing, not hitting the walls but singing but soon got stopped by the Riot Police who stormed the cage and made them stand up against the walls, legs apart for another search.
The cages had during the previous night gotten quite a rough treatment from the inmates and the doors were now reinforced with wood. Which was great for us, cause they made heaps more noise if one hit them. At first I was kinda scared, tried to "just" scream and hit my bottle against the bars. But I got, just as everyone else, caught up in the rage and soon pushed agains the door. The police couldn't keep track on us all. We had passed the point of rage and were now on the level of pure instinct, "let us out!" and of course the question on all of our mindes - "what have we done!?"
All the sudden I was laying flat on my back, in the middle of the corridor and stunned policemen all around me. Ha! I'd, "accidently", busted the door which was now - with a massive bang - on the floor benieth me. I paniced. Didn't know what to do, shit!! So I chickened out, knew I'd never make it passed the guards and ran into my cage to hid beind the other woman who were all laughing their asses of at the Police.
Hitching: From mum in Småland to a skipper in Hamlstad for a sweet night of chatting and today --> hitting Göteborg and (almost) all of my favorite people down here. And some much needed love and hugs.
Person of the day: No not one, all the beautiful people I've meet during my travels.
Heart: broken, cardefully huged by lovely friends. broken again and missing you Zhe. Way to much!
Nightmare: I got back together again with Zhe and once again - woke up to reality.
There has to be a first time for everything, right? Its just that I didn't think it was gonna be quite this "real" but I guess one never does.
Peacefully walking along at the "Hit the Production" demonstration in Copenhagen on the 13 December 2009, (against capitalism and for the environment - Climate Justice Now!) the Police sorrounded us after about half an hour. It was as if they were already in place, ready to take us in. We'd done nothing. We weren't gonna do anything!
"A - Anti - Anti-Capitalista"
Scared, we found ourselves trapped. With no where to go. A countdown started on "our side" and all the sudden everyone ran towards the cops to push up against them. Which - needless to say - to pissed off royaly and they, in return, forced us back together. They wanted us to sit down, but there was no physical roomfor us to obey. No space. It didn't matter to them though. They hit a girl next to me in the head with a baton even though her arms were in the air, just like mine.
Actually, the videos will tell you a lot more then my writings. Just check them out if you wanna know what happened.
Hitching: Surprised mum by hitching to her place the day before yesterday and am gonna move on tomorrow probably. Loving to road, again. Ha, my true home? Yeah. Even though its below zero at the moment.
Heart: Tying to pick up the pieces, seems like some of them are missing though. Watch out where you put your feet, you might walk all over me again.
Nightmare: Define Nightmare? I had an absolute wonderful dream and woke up with a smile thinking I was on the ferry to go see Zhe, that hen had said "sorry, for everything. I want you back, wont you come and spend new years eve with me?". Wasn't all great when I realised that it had all been just in my little head. Humpf.
Just like the rest of you, ok there are exceptions I must admit, I hate Christmas and have never really gotten the part where you're just spontaneously suppose to be all happy and giving. Uhm, what about the rest of the year? And what is that thing with buying stuff so you don't feel guilty abouty not telling the ones you love that they're important? I don't get it. I really don't. So since a couple of years back, I don't celebrate Christmas. (Yeah, neither Christmas or my birthday!) Which is always some sort of struggle. Cause I can't live in an isolated bubble outside of society however much I even want to do at times - all the Christmas jingles do affect me to. I just chose not to obey them.
I consider my friends as family but at Christmas time they all suddenly get a family, relatives that want to hang out with them as cause they have the same last name/blood line/background they need to spend it together even though most of my friends hate it and would love to just not bother.
This year seems to have a real good potential. I randomly ran into (after txt with one of them) some real sweet queer people at the big ass demonstration in Copenhagen (12/12-09) and got invited (to my surprise) to their Non Christmas gathering. Yay! So I be hitched downward and am spending some queer time, hopefully licking my wounds, down wards in the country.
Picture: There's a tree in front of our apartment building which ok, it looks rather nice with all the lights and real (!) snow but come on!! Do you really have to cut down a perfectly good and innocent tree where there are just as good fake alternatives? The second picture is of course how I feel and randomly found on the net.
Heart: Still broken. Zhe wrote that hen missed me on Facebook. Had lost hens cell though which means I don't have to hope, in vain, that it will all the sudden have a picture of Zhe across the display. Even though I secretly want it more then anything. The naive part of me wants nothing more then have hen unbreak my heart.
Secret: Has got rolyaly majorly messed up hair. You'll never guess what happened! No, I'm celebate.
In the Winter Wonder Land of Sweden I decided that it was finally time for me to say hi, get some much needed hugs and love by some of my favorite people. I'd already decided this before everything went to pieces with Zhe again but gosh, then I knew I really had to get out of there. So back on the road. Only problem? Its below zero outside.
So notes to self and other who plan on hitching during wintertime when there's heaps of snow (these are an add on to the normal hitching advice I've blogged about here):
Get lots and lots of lights and reflectors - try and look as a much as a Christmas tree as you can! You'll end up registered as road kill if you don't - as soon as its dark (which happens at 3 PM in Sweden) no one can see you at the side of the road.
Bring a flashlight that you can flash at cars, this will also help them to see you if you get stuck somewhere.
Needles to say, lots of warm clothes. You're gonna need to be able to change too, when you start sweating or they get wet form the snow.
Always bring food, water and a dehydration tabbs.
Have a friend keep track on your whereabouts standing on guard if something would go wrong or if you're not txting hen for a while.
In summer time, find a good spot and keep it for about half an hour. Winter? No, keep moving. Don't stick around until your frozen through and trough. Even though this means giving up a good spot, you can always return to it.
In summer, every distance is a good distance. In winter hitching, you'll need to ask them more specifically what place their are gonna drop you of at. Try and stick to main roads and know where you're next gas station (for warmth!) is located.
Bring smiles, lots of smiles! As always. You'll need them when it gets dark.
Make your hat look as natural as possible or not wear one at all, remember the rule of "nothing on your head" from summer time hitching.
And most important of them all - make sure to check the weather if there's a blizzard heading our way!
So, 14 hours and 7 cars later with the temperature at -14 °C I arrived at my end destination - Electro Boy's place in Göteborg. Almost giving up at one point though, dark and stuck basically in the same spot for hours. Cold as fuck and having the clock tell me its gonna be even colder in a couple of hours. Gosh, that surly was the hardest hitching I've done. Nothing I recommend for a newbee.
Oh, and remember. Even if the cars can see you, there's theoretically space enough for them to pick you up, there's heaps of ice and snow covering the side of the road so a lot more people will think "nah, its to dangerous.".
Got picked up by Trix at one point which was heaps of fun! They hardly remembered me but I sure remembered them form their shows and a couple of larps/parties/mutual friends and of course Facebook. Thx heaps guys! Good company, nice stories and in the middle of it all a surprise visit at one of the guys cute dates so they could sing a Christmas carol for her. Haha! You were the best ride of the day!
Or hmm, maybe that was the couple who drove passed me on the highway at 7 PM, turned their car at the next possible exit to drive back and pick me up. Then they also decided to make a d-tour to let me out in Göteborg - yay!! I honestly don't know what I would have done if they hadn't picked me up, I was so close to giving up but I had no alternative either. Give up to what? Good part about hitching on big roads in the dark though, admitting and sharing a rather embarrassing secret here, is that you can scream, sing and cry as much as you want. No one will hear you. Which was exactly what i did. Comes in handy when another one of those "heart broken" feelings come along and turn your insides out.
Nightmare: Heaps of small weird ones. But it was so nice to sleep beside a good friend though. Thx, Elecroby.
Picture: Random internet.
Soundtrack: "Du måste finnas" - Helena Sjöholm
A beautiful song but WAY to religious for me (and no, I still don't believe in God), but for some reason I started singing it at the top of my lugns while hitching yesterday.
Is that it? Is that really it? Karma payback time? Ok, thank you. I got the message. Thank you.
This year has to be some sort of record. I've seen stuff, visited places that I'd never even dreamed of. Meet people who've taught me valuable lessens when I needed them the most. And I guess that includes the once I'd rather been without. The break ups. Cause gosh, there's been heaps. Remember Spikey? It must have been about three break up attempts with him (He being the one going back and forth.). Then the big summer lash out with Cat (I'd been/(am?) in love with hen since January 2008 (?)), nope I'm not over that one yet. And as I got back to Sweden, well... It never got even close to what we had before. We got off on the wrong foot. I still love hen though, heaps. Actually way to much. But its not gonna work. And then Zhe, in and out. Back and forth. Six bloody break up txt's from him!! WFT?! And I took him back, time after time. I caved. But that is defiantly it. I can't take anymore. I don't wanna have my little heart broken once more this year, come on! That's not to much to wish for is it? It's not even two weeks left of 2009? Pretty please? But don't say hi till its over.
And what do I wish for next year? Gosh, anything but Love! I always wish for anything else but love though. But I know I wanna get back on the road again, after summer time is up here in Sweden are my current plans. Hopefully hitting Asia. But heck, my plans always change. So I guess I wish I could stick to this one, cause its gonna take a lot of work and be a real hard one. I've got a mission over there, I need to find out some things about myself that I know I can only do when I'm there. (Don't ask me how I know, I just do).
Happy New Years?! Well, I guess not yet. Its still about two weeks to go.
Green: I'm still to pissed off at this non deal to actually deal. Bullocks!
Nightmare: Yes, more then one but its not as severe anymore. Maybe a 4.5 on the Richter scale.
Addictions: Travel + Hitch hiking, tea, art, dance, larp, play, cartwheels, my cell phone, music, the road, computers n' internet
Politics: Green-Veggie-Queer-Anarchist-Socialist
Loves: Animals&Nature, dark chocolate, warm hands, Urban Exploration, hitch-hiking, demonstarting, creating stuff/art, dancing, runnin' through the grass bare feet, adventures
Hates: to freeze, winter, autumn, losing control, my conscience, Falling in Love
Scared of: insects, the dark, Pennywise the Clown, Losing control, deep water, meat, freedom of will and not having freedom of will, the entrapment of a "relationship" (I'm a Relationship Anarchist), capitalism
Massive Attack, Queen, AFI, Takida, CombiChrist, Björk, Coheed & Cambria, Lacuna Coil, Deine Lakain, Bush, Pink, Rammstein+Tatu-kombo, Juli, Covenant, VNV Nation, Soulfly, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Silbermond, K-pist, Tool, Stabbing Westward, Within Temptation, Smashing Pumkins, The Used, Skillet, Architecture in Helsinki, Säkert!, Detektivbyrån, Fall out boy, Kate Nash, Freak Kitchen, Hello Saferide, Gwen Stefani, Eskalator, GoGol Bordello, Muse, Fall out boy, Shout Out Louds, Antony and the Johnsons, Blink 182, Rage agains the machine, Skunk Anansie, Arcade Fire, Silverchair, Kent, Dntl, Kora, Minuit, Sidewalk, Ladi 6, Lykke Li, Lamb, Lama, Stay Ali, Dubstep+Drum&bass, Mint Royal, Sigur Rós, Fat Freddy's Drop, Katchafire, The Black Seeds, Sidewalk, Joel&Joakim... and much more.
Yeah, I know. I haven't blogged for a while and now the only thing I seem to come up with is to post this silly song that you all wont read the lyrics to anyways. But bare with me, I'll highlight the parts that are important (especially the part at the end) and leave the rest to become a secret message that is way to obvious anyways. 
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