isobelll - with 3 l

Or is it? Is it better to have loved and been loved in return then not love at all like the famous quote from Moulin Rouge? Ha, I should have listened to myself. I should have know better then to fall in love. To let myself go. To trust. To care. Even though it was beautiful at the time I actually can't handle any more shit happening at the moment. So please. Just don't. Ok? Don't leave me.

 Picture: Art Museum in Copenhagen that I visited this summer, can't remember the artist but this one took my breath away. Thank you whoever you are.

The realistic (evil??) voice in my head:
- "Fuck, listen to yourself??! Are you really gonna beg for someone to stay? Has it come to this? Is it really worth it? Wont you lose yourself, the respect and much more?"

Shrugging, I answer:
-" But I can't, I need... No,I can't even say it. I guess two break ups in a month is some sort of record. Even if it hasn't been finalized yet. I'll find out tomorrow I suppose. At the moment I don't even know what I want. Or actually I do. I want us. I want you. I want this."

A little naive stupid thirteen year old girl is whispering into my left ear as I try to clear my head and forget about everything, even just for a minute:
- "So it has come to this? You're giving up? Good on ya? No! don't give up. Don't give up on love even though this might not work out. Besides, if its all about the distance then you sure as hell know how to handle it even if the other person doesn't. And as for prioritizing oneself? Well, yeah. But all the movies, all the music, all the art in the world can't be that wrong, now can it? Love is and will always be an important part of all our lives. And it wont go away, it doesn't matter how hard you try. you'll always fall in love again and you'll always get hurt. Again. That's the way life is. Remember Zen, remember acceptance."

I mutter:
- "pretty please, shout the hell up..."

- "No, I wont. Cause you know that I'm right. you know that the strength you can find in love, falling, bubbling, being loved is not a drug is something else. Something better if you let it be. If you want it to be. Give up this shit about "Alone is Strong" fuck it! You know you'll make it on your own, that's not the point. But letting someone, anyone, even if its "only" a friend love you and let you get inspired, feel something is what its all about."

So I close my eyes and reply:
- "No, I refuse to believe that. Besides. The other person doesn't believe it so why should I? And why should I care at all? I guess I'll find out tomorrow"

And the realist in me resides with a rather confident voice:

- "Told you so, didn't I? You knew it was to good to be true."

Scared of opening my eyes:
- "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. And I'm so sorry for messing thins up, for letting my chaotic life get that beautiful person into trouble. I'm so sorry."

I'll find out tomorrow. But before I hit the publish button I should think for a few more hours. This might actually be over the top, this might actually be way way to private. Not only for the person involved but for me. And for the record, I don't "hear" voices inside my head. Or let me rephrase, we all do. Fuck it all aye? I absolutely hate wintertime. Did I mention that?

Soundtrack: Explosions in the Sky, Tool, A Perfect Circle.
I'll leave it up to you to check them out this time.

So I hit the publish button anyways.