isobelll - with 3 l

Or is it? Is it better to have loved and been loved in return then not love at all like the famous quote from Moulin Rouge? Ha, I should have listened to myself. I should have know better then to fall in love. To let myself go. To trust. To care. Even though it was beautiful at the time I actually can't handle any more shit happening at the moment. So please. Just don't. Ok? Don't leave me.

 Picture: Art Museum in Copenhagen that I visited this summer, can't remember the artist but this one took my breath away. Thank you whoever you are.

The realistic (evil??) voice in my head:
- "Fuck, listen to yourself??! Are you really gonna beg for someone to stay? Has it come to this? Is it really worth it? Wont you lose yourself, the respect and much more?"

Shrugging, I answer:
-" But I can't, I need... No,I can't even say it. I guess two break ups in a month is some sort of record. Even if it hasn't been finalized yet. I'll find out tomorrow I suppose. At the moment I don't even know what I want. Or actually I do. I want us. I want you. I want this."

A little naive stupid thirteen year old girl is whispering into my left ear as I try to clear my head and forget about everything, even just for a minute:
- "So it has come to this? You're giving up? Good on ya? No! don't give up. Don't give up on love even though this might not work out. Besides, if its all about the distance then you sure as hell know how to handle it even if the other person doesn't. And as for prioritizing oneself? Well, yeah. But all the movies, all the music, all the art in the world can't be that wrong, now can it? Love is and will always be an important part of all our lives. And it wont go away, it doesn't matter how hard you try. you'll always fall in love again and you'll always get hurt. Again. That's the way life is. Remember Zen, remember acceptance."

I mutter:
- "pretty please, shout the hell up..."

- "No, I wont. Cause you know that I'm right. you know that the strength you can find in love, falling, bubbling, being loved is not a drug is something else. Something better if you let it be. If you want it to be. Give up this shit about "Alone is Strong" fuck it! You know you'll make it on your own, that's not the point. But letting someone, anyone, even if its "only" a friend love you and let you get inspired, feel something is what its all about."

So I close my eyes and reply:
- "No, I refuse to believe that. Besides. The other person doesn't believe it so why should I? And why should I care at all? I guess I'll find out tomorrow"

And the realist in me resides with a rather confident voice:

- "Told you so, didn't I? You knew it was to good to be true."

Scared of opening my eyes:
- "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. And I'm so sorry for messing thins up, for letting my chaotic life get that beautiful person into trouble. I'm so sorry."

I'll find out tomorrow. But before I hit the publish button I should think for a few more hours. This might actually be over the top, this might actually be way way to private. Not only for the person involved but for me. And for the record, I don't "hear" voices inside my head. Or let me rephrase, we all do. Fuck it all aye? I absolutely hate wintertime. Did I mention that?

Soundtrack: Explosions in the Sky, Tool, A Perfect Circle.
I'll leave it up to you to check them out this time.

So I hit the publish button anyways. 

I just wanna grab my stuff and go, had enough of this shit winter already and its just about to start. And I would if I only could. If I only knew where to go, what to do. Feeling that endless road under my feet again scares the shit out of me at the moment, just as much as knowing I'll be stuck here all winter. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.

Started looking for schools again, thought that might be the answer. Thought I might need to finish that degree and then I'll know what I was suppose to do with my life. But I woke up this morning, at 6.30 AM with chills running down my spine. Even if I did get in, even if I finished that damned bachelors degree in sculpture well, so what? There are no jobs anyways and I don't even know if I Can or Wanna work in the art industry at all. So why bother? And I can't seam to sit still in one location for more then a few months. I've been in Sweden for well, I don't know. More or less since July I guess. Got this room and have been mostly in Stockholm since the 1 of September. Two months later I still love my flat mates, they're awesome. Love the apartment, Stockholm and my room but it feels like I need to run again. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.

And a weekend here, a weekend there to just get away? To make that feeling of entrapment ease up a bit? Oh, well. I don't know. Panicked last night, just the thought of having to stick around here. Having no goal, nothing to do or nothing to look forward to freaked me out like shit. Applied for about 15 jobs that I probably wont get anyways cause I'm not qualified enough. Ha, you have to have work experience to get work and well... I don't. I've been studying. And oh, did I mention I've been studying Art? Which basically means I wont get a job anyways. And I'm not looking to build a career, shit I wouldn't even know where to start or what I would wanna do. Even for 6 months at a time. So I approached the problem from a different point of view, I applied for every job I could find that wouldn't immediately make me run and hide. Anything that could get that coin comin' in again. Don't know where to go when I've saved it up again. No goal but at least an escape plan. Even though it looks like I'll be stuck here until next August. And as I've already mentioned - I'm not strong enough to hit the road for real now anyways. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.

Soundtrack: Radiohead - Creep (which was the first song of the day my own radio wanted to play for me)


Person of the Day: Vexillum - who didn't ask questions and was a great late night film company.
Oh, and you guessed it right. Once again, "Dancer in the Dark". I think it must be the third time in about six weeks now. Favorite movie though, but still. I know every line, I've seen it more then ten times total. And I know that each time I'll find something new to fall in love with and a new place to cry.

Picture: Christchurch, New Zealand. A sculpture I found in a fountain in the botanic gardens which I absolutely loved.

So I went back, sat on that chair with my good friend the tattooist behind me and felt the needles penetrating my skin again. I enlarged the tree somewhat, let the branches grow just an inch or two across my shoulders and then it was filling time...

I'd been to Yoga class the night before, which made even my lungs ache. However it did remind me how to focus on my breathing and all those hours of meditation were also quite helpful. Concentration, meditation, breathing. Soon enough I could feel the oxygen mix up with adrenaline, endorphins spread across my body with a tingling sensation. Here we go!

After 2.5 hours I was getting kind of light headed though and felt like I was gonna faint but we were so close to the end, I didn't wanna stop! To stubborn for my own good as usual. Even though I could hardly sit up any more and realised that I'd probably taken this heavy breathing thing a wee bit to far. So while the needle kept on with a steady pace I changed strategy and used the sense of fainting to remember how it was to fall asleep, started breathing like I do when I wanna go to the dream land which as silly as it sounds almost happened. If it wasn't for that freaking pain of course.

The bits that were the hardest were across my shoulder blade where it curves just before hitting the armpit. The ribs and spine weren't all to pleasant either. Resting my head on my arm I could literary hear my bones vibrate as the needles hit them. But gah, the lower back was once again the hardest part. Those roots!! And I remembered how it felt getting that rat inked all those years ago. Fuck, that one really hurt!

3 hours later we were finally done and I could hardly stand up, had to hold on to stuff while trying to get to the mirror. And then the tears came, (or as close as I could being way to tired to actually cry), seeing the end result. I've wanted that tree for such a long time and now its finally here. I can still hardly believe it. But gosh, for every second I'm falling in love just a tad bit more. And I'll probably need to go back under the needle once more to tidy up a bit and fill in a couple of places where the ink didn't wanna stay put but at this point I'm just so glad its over.


Soundtrack: Whatever was on my fake-pod that day which ended up playing in the stereo. Only the "happy-nice-easy listening-soft-stuff" though.
Person of the day: My dear old friend the Tattooist
Crush of the day: Zhe (Surprised? Nah, me neither...)

Gosh, I don't even know where to begin. Its all over between me and Cat. We've been trying all summer long but after "breaking up" again and again it finally ended last week. (The quote marks mean that we're both relationship anarchists) I knew it would come. And I guess it was a sorta mutual decision even if I was crying all the way. The Silent Treatment made me cave and realize that it just couldn't go on like this. We were only hurting one another, real bad. Never the less, as that dreadful day came where I just knew what was gonna happen I still didn't wanna do it. As we strolled along the path to the same spot Cat had taken me about one and a half years ago, I could feel the wasteland that grown and somehow fitted between us as we walked side by side. But this time it wasn't a nice and bubbly experience walking down to that old mansion by the water, this time Cat took me there to break up. Or we broke up I guess I should say.

I think we must have walked and talked for almost two hours, almost beginning to fight a couple of times, confessing everything bad that had happened. Why we both felt let down and hurt. Why we weren't able to solve the problems earlier and so on. I couldn't stop my tears from falling. And at the very end, when Cat had to run of to a meeting I just said something like "say hi from me to the others" turned around and took some of the hardest steps of my life. Maybe it was me imagining things but I could feel Cat's eyes upon me, wanting to say something but knowing nothing would help now. I think I must have sat on that bench, that I found at a near by lake, for quite a while - not being able to stop crying. As I finally pulled myself together I was frozen through and through. I know we can't be friends at the moment but oh how I do miss you in my life, Cat. I'm grateful for everything that you taught me, helped me with and for letting me love you. I guess I always will.



As I got home I took all the stuff that immediately reminded me of cat and locked them away, I put all our sweet photos and put them in a map called "X - don't look at this" on my computer. I untagged our kissing pics on Facebook and realized that however hard I'd try I didn't wanna eliminate our past from my life at all. But for now, I have to. Just for now. Just a tad wee while. I hope that one day we can find our way back to a sweet friendship.

And at the very end, without being able to blame anyone for what happened (cause there none, no isolated events, just a long complex process and more misunderstandings, letting down's and hurting one another's then just about anyone can handle) there's just one thing left to say; I'm sorry, Cat.

This is one of the best decisions I've ever made I think, I'm madly in love with it! I've been thinking about getting a tree for quite a while now, letting the idea so to say "grow on me". And I finally decided when my old friend and tattooist came back to Stockholm. I'm gonna do it! First he filled in my old ones. I've got one of my first pet rat (which also is a symbol of Ying and Yang + its got a water sign at the very bottom) on my lower back and a stamp on my ass saying "Made in germany" (Yes, I'm not kidding and I love it!)

Then I hit the drawing board thinking it should be rather easy to get it out of my head and on to paper but oh no, I was proven wrong. I'd taken about a 150 photographs from all over the world of trees that I liked and downloaded about 50 or so more. Researching all the different types and discarding sketch after sketch. I had a photograph of my back which I was able to pin my ideas on in Adobe Illustrator (man am I glad I actually learnt that program even though I hated the teacher). And with the help of my sweet computer I had a design after about one week of solid work and virtually no sleep. But as I got the print in my hands I just wanted to make some quick changes... Which turned into 22 sketches (might have been more) and another week of hard work.

I saw trees everywhere, they were nailed to my eye lids and as I closed them at yoga class, meditating or dance class I really couldn't focus on anything else but getting that last branch just a tad more to the left. I ended up with a tree that was completely different from what I originally thought I would and got quite nervous. But as I sat, once again, up until 4 AM in the morning the day before my opointment (falling asleep with the pencil in my hand - again!) I finally fell in love with it. Could feel it literary growing on me. And of course it hurt getting it inked but it healed quickly and now a week later its only a bit itchy still. Going back for a fill and more work though. And I'm looking forward to using a bra this weekend, which of obvious reasons hasn't been an option lately.

So what does it mean? Why a tree? Well, I've always been, as Spikey in Nelson so nicely put it, a "nature girl". I'm a environmentalist, a vegan, a veggie, an animal lover and so on. I've not taken any existing tree but worked with my own. Its tilted to the left cause the Swedish socialist anarchist communist political parties are all to the left and as you might know I'm all the way out on the left side. Of course there are lots of private and hidden meanings within. In fact, I ended up writing a whole list of stuff on my wall. I can just say, I'm falling in love with it just a wee bit more for each day. =)

Soundtrack: Yann Tiersen - La Corde
The complete album I've had on repeat is here if you've got spotify.

My dear Yvaine suffered a breakdown a while back and but she's now up to speed again, loving the tapping of my fingers. Kazai was the hero of the day and took her under his wings. It seamed that Windows Vista which I've been hating ever since I got the laptop killed her slowly until she couldn't fight back any more. So after reinstalling and trying again and again with Vista we finally gave up and headed on to Windows 7. And Wow! This one is actually working, I must also confess that I'm rather infatuated with the new design and features. There is only one small problem... Cause the operating system is so new my beloved Yvaine who bares the last name of Asus hasn't quite got the hint yet and a lot of the neat shortcuts, special buttons and functions aren't working. I'm keeping my fingers crossed though and also hoping that she'll keep with me this time.

Welcome back, Yvaine!

Soundtrack dedicated to my dear love Yvaine: Ayo - Down on my knee's
This song always brings me back to a sweaty run down hookers palace in Bangkok which a sweet group of people were making over to a cool backpackers. I spent a couple of nights sleeping on the roof top and a couple of night partying in the downstairs bar while a good looking guy was hitting on me as he put this song on. Ha! My mind was already very made up however, no more men. Even thought he was real fine and unfortunately not my type at all ;p

... it doesn't mean I've got nothing to say. Often it means I've got way to much to get it on print. Either I'm out in the big world on adventures or I'm having another one of those nice episodes of chaos in my life. (Well, there's always a state of chaos in my life to be honest.)

So for the last few weeks everything's been upside down, again. Job problems, money issues and social breakdowns - it's been kinda hard but I'm still here. I just need to catch my breath for a while. Reminding myself of meditating each day, listening to that "wise mind" voice. Keeping track of the thirteen year old way to in love insecure girl hidden inside my body just longing for the next txt from Zhe. Its been nearly a month since we last meet, we've tried over and over again but our schedules just don't seam to fit. Which Sucks. Real bad. At the moment, (Oh I haven't given up hope yet) it looks like it could be until after Christmas!! And that thirteen year old girl inside me is screaming, jumping and going all sorts of mad inside, mostly cause she's just really lonely without him I guess.

Soundtrack: Michael Jackson
A suggestion from my mum, its a special family day today. Love ya! This one is for you.

So once again, communication is what makes the world go round. Ok, I see. Well, thanks for letting me know Mr. Obvious. Doesn't make it any easier though. But I did it. I found the words. Finally. I think the hardest part was admitting them to myself.

Soundtrack: Björk - Pagen Poetry. Lyrics.

I don't know what to say, what to think, how to feel. I don't even know how I could put it all in a txt, without getting way to private. I'm sorry, you caught me off-guard. So I'm at a loss for words.

Kazai: "Now you're the one giving hen "The Silent Treatment"!! Stop thinking about yourself for a moment and think of the other person...!

Ok, I will. I'm sorry. Just don't know what to say...

"Can't you just say what you feel?"

I don't dare to admit it even to myself, I'm sorry. Even though you probably already know.


Picture: Urban Exploration tour of Stockholm, day before yesterday.
Soundtrack: Youtube video sent by txt.

Sunday its all gonna happen, I'm gonna check out Massive Attack with my mum! Yay! Lots of year ago when they came to Sweden I said to myself "Oh, well. They're probably awesome but I really don't have to see them live" and wow did I regret that! Even though they're not in my playlist at any given time I've still loved them since forever.

First love was Karmakoma which I watched on MTV as a teenie and got scared shitless. It was just about the same time as "Come to Daddy" with Ahpex Twin came on and that one also brightened up my fear of the dark. Thank you...


This was the time before internet entered my life for real and I had absolutely no idea who Massive Attack was until I one day in the record store (which I rarely visited due to low founds) found the album "Protection" on sale and "Blue Lines" next to. Wow! I was bluffed and the Cd's didn't leave my stereo for ages. Got the "Mezzanine" as soon as it hit the stores. So now its finally time, Massive Attack.

Soundtrack: A week dedicated to Massive Attack.

...Pretty, please. I really don't want this. I really can't handle this. I need to stay in control, to have my focus on what's important. On my future. I wont allow myself to lose sight of my goals. The only problem is that I can't stop it. I guess I never could. And once again my goals get altered. Not the big one's, I'd already decided to stay in Sweden a while longer. To rest and put all the pieces of my puzzle that I've gathered over the last year on the floor, turn each one over a couple of times and find out what to do next. But what I wasn't prepared for was this. You...

I absolutely hate falling in love. Can't handle it. Everyone else keeps on telling me to just enjoy the ride, that at least the one I'm being all bubble hearts for is actually feeling the same thing. But that really doesn't matter. Its not a question just about losing control of my own life, wanting to give it all up for just one more minute with him. Its about losing control over my sanity. It feels like I'm in a massive battle, I've already lost but I'm not quite prepared to put down my weapons just yet. That will make it hurt even worse if this is just a fling. I've just turned thirteen. Again.

My stereo keeps on playing silly little love songs, my eyes keep on starring into empty space and my tummy keeps on hurting - every time I get a txt from you, every time I don't. I've just turned thirteen. Again.


(Oh, I can't keep calling you Mr. B even though you got the honer of choosing your own nick on my blog its just not working for me. So I'll call you Zhe which in Chinese translates to "Anarchist", just like you are. 者zhě​)

Had a nightmare about Zhe. He said that since we're both relationship anarchist I wouldn't mind if he spent the night in my flatmates bed or if we could all just stay in there together. What? Uhm, no? RA is about finding out what we want and not what the norm has taught us about being in love. But that does Not mean that its ok to do just everything, its about communicating. Hmm, think I sorta lost the point I was trying to make.

Never the less, "uhm, no...?" I txt'd him back and woke up to check my cell. Nothing. No answer. And no txt saying what I'd obviously only dreamt. Nothing. In fact, nothing for the whole entire day! As it got up to 24 hours, preciously (yes, I'm 13??) at 3.54 pm, I thought it was just as well to set my mind into "get over him" mode. It was only then that I realised how far it had gone. That even if I wanted to I couldn't stop it now. So a very sad little dead Zombie walked the streets at "The Stockholm Zombie Walk". I've just turned thirteen. Again.

I can almost set my alarm to my mood swings, when I think that the world has gone under and everything is just plain and utter horrible existence. Its about 3 hours since the last txt from Zhe. Yup, I know, I'm sorry. I've tried. And the second I get another txt it starts all over again. I've just turned thirteen. Again.

Two hours later, after checking my cell way to often, it beeped again. Oh, How I love that sound!

And of course I'd just been a fool, he'd slept all day. He's not addicted to txt's like I am, not to facebook, like I am. He's simply just... gah, way to good to be true? Ha, listen to yourself Girl! Its hopeless to fight it off now, just sit back and enjoy the ride. I simply replied with turning the camera on me and sending him a zombie. =) I've just turned thirteen. Again.

The next night I didn't have any nightmares, I fell sound asleep as quickly as I hit the pillow and woke up as my cell beeped again (which I rarely do, or if I do I fall strait back to sleep). And while reading a cute "Good Night" txt, I fell asleep again with the cell tightly in my hands.

That's how I know that I've turned Thirteen. Again.

This is the worst idea ever! But it might just have been the medicine the doctor ordered... I'm really scared of the dark and all that shit so taking a sweet walk though the city with a horde of Zombies just doesn't feel right. But I did. Maybe cause I wanted to overcome my fear. But the important part was to show my support to anything that's happening on the streets, anything that makes people leave their home and have some fun outside - with people they don't even know.

So I bought the necessary ingredients and mixed my own fake blood. 45 minutes later I had "the perfect shade of red" or rather I had run out of food dye, time and got tired of mixing in both acrylic and pigments to get the right tone. So all of us hit the bathroom mirrors and splashed (slashed?) us some sweet (yeah, syrup was the main ingredient) blood on ourselves and hit town.

I might be able to handle Zombies from now on, at least a bit better but fuck - even though I was a part of the walk the others freaked me out anyways. And I tried to scare the crowd but one of them said "Buh!" and I almost screamed and tried to scare him back. Might have tried to hard though, sorry for that.

Hardest part was staying serious while we all were moaning down the street and when a guy said "Swineflu" I cracked up. Hearing "Thriller" get blasted over a town square near the end of the walk was kinda hilarious too. The only real negative critique I've got is that the walk was way to long, took about 2 hours? Something like that and it was way to cold. Even though Zombies don't freeze, I do.

And as I got home and looked myself in the mirror, yaiks...!! Decided to give the Zombie party a try and to my surprise they played Dubstep in the little underground (normally Medieval) bar and I hit the dance floor. So I got just as disappointed when the next DJ came on and had the normal boring industrial EMB, no thanks. Had a pretty sweet night though, accidentally scared a girl on the subway. Oopps... No I'm sorry. Its not my real Blood, I feel just fine thank you. Just a bit dead.

Nightmares? Nope. I know, I'm real proud too.






Soundtrack: Michael Jackson - Thriller

I absolutely can't stand it! It drives me nuts when people give me the silent treatment either in IRL fights, throw other means of communication or just because they forgot. I Can't stand it! When fighting I need to know that the other one is there, that the person is reacting to what I'm saying and not just letting me babble about. It feels like I have to fill the silence with something, often more yelling. And I really can't even begin to tell you how much I hate having fights when the other person hasn't got the nerve to tell me that I'm wrong. Of course I'll get even angrier at the time but then I can at least get over it and try to understand and calm down.

Oh, but there's more to the silent treatment. Like when people you care about, a lot, just forget to contact you at all. I'm so tired of being the one who's always txting people. Oh, I know I've got that whole issue with being a txt addict and I know I'm absolutely horrible at replying mails on time or at all. But please pretty please, don't shout me out of your life. Not to mention the people you know haven't forgot about you but just "don't have the time" or are just real bad at replying txt's. Humpf.


And while writing this I might mention that I've got a real nasty little voice at the back of my head saying "Oh, little one. Don't you know? They aren't giving you the silent treatment at all, they simply just couldn't care enough to bother talking to you..."
Is that the truth?

Oh, and I also hate to fact that I've some how gotten more and more private on the blog even though I probably shouldn't. Scared about posting, scared about not posting and just keeping a happy smile and scared about... oh, you know me, just about everything guess. Ha, nah I'm not that "strong and stubborn girl" a lot of people might think. I'm just good at pretending and "Fake it 'til ya make it!".

Gosh, I should really start taking my own advice. Putting the mantra "Fake it 'til ya make it" in a cheerful voice on repeat. Good one.

Picture from a exhibition in Copenhagen earlier this year.

I've always thought that there had to be guardian angels out there, friends who'd never ever let you down but I realised last week that that's not the case at all. No one let me down but after coming back from the larp "Våra Drömmars Stad" I started to analyse the scene that had meant the most to me and why it was so hard to let go. My character had gotten herself in a real bad situation and another one was trying to help her, which was rather impossible both in physical and emotional sense of the word. But then the person said, "How do you know I'm not your guardian angel?". And my world came to a complete stand still. Both in-game and as I later realised, off-game.

As I got back home I wrote it all down and found out why it'd been so hard to accept. As I preciously said, I've always believed in Guardian Angels but just as my character couldn't be saved I can't be "saved" by someone/something else then myself. No one out there, no matter how much they mean to me or I to them can step up and carry my troubles. As the larp ended and my character "lost" his Guardian Angel simply cause the game ended, I too lost mine. Knowing that there are none. And also seeing another aspect of Relationship Anarchy.

In "normal" relationships you're (almost) always meant to be the other one's Guardian Angel, saviour and complete partner. Something that can't be demanded of anyone. You're always responsible for your own actions, of course, but as we're always made to believe in media - "someone will always catch me when I fall". (Like in one of the most moving moments in my favorite movie "Dancer in the Dark" with Björk, by Lars von Trier. The song is called "In the musicals"). So I'm sorry for everything I've demanded of the people who have been closest to me at the time, I'm sorry for asking of you to "save" me although you never even had the power to to what I begged you for. We're all in this alone. And this I say with a "wise mind voice". We can listen to people, visit places, get to know animals but we can never demand of them to take care of everything. And the most important thing, a so called partner can never be held responsible for you mistakes/troubles/problems.

Now I just have to keep reminding myself that media is once again wrong about stuff. Just as they are wrong about consuming more makes us happy, war isn't to bad if its far away and meat is everyone's right cause we should kill animals for food and marriage is the goal of everyone's life. Ok, now I might be a bit harsh but Media isn't all to kind to the one's who've seen behind the curtains.

(The Picture is taken in the middle of Stockholm where I found a little angel flying about and doing its business.)

There are no Guardian Angels.

Soundtrack: Mint Royale - See you in the morning.
Today's thanks goes to Kazai, for always trying. Love ya!

Whispers... I admit. Its to late. I've fallen.

I'm trying to listen to all the advice; "Its better to have love and lost the never have loved at all", "Go for it girl!", "Just enjoy falling", "Don't give in to your fear.", "its already to late - look at yourself! You've already fallen for fucks sake, sis'!"

But the one advice that actually made me think twice and I to really appreciate everyone's - pretty please don't get me wrong. Maybe cause it just hit the right spot, while looking at my small Buddha statue and having the urge to meditate it got me to think strait for a second or two. And I quote;

"You will only find zen in stillness if stillness is indeed your purpose. The zen of the wind is to blow and of the heart, to pump.

This is precisely about your bubbles, here and now. Fear and denial are the distractions that keep you from allowing yourself to be crazy and irrational (or rationally insane?) and go along with where those dangerous feelings are taking you. This is long past "do or do not". You are already committed to action. Make that action count! THAT is where your zen is.

And when, occasionally, the world throws you flat on the ass, then your zen shall be to land."

Gosh! Thank you!

And TCDG (The Cute Danish Guy) just added (the comments are from FB under my status feed: is scared of that thing called "falling in love" and wont admit to anyone/herself that its happening. Can anyone please hit the "Stop button"??)
"What is love? If love was to be controlled? What is love? If love was without complications? What is love?
If love was anything else then the anarchistic feeling it is?!"

And thank you all for listening to my never ending babble mouth, whining, fearing, bubbling. Love ya' all!

But what made me finally admit that its already way to late for turning back was hearing the person say that they had the same bubbles about me. So I finally admit, I've fallen. And I'm scared to death. Can't handle having someone else have that effect on me, letting anyone be that important, losing control.

Picture: While I was in Thailand earlier this year, checking out every temple I could possibly find and have the energy/time to explore. Now little pictures of Buddha's and a small statue gets me to remember to slow down and find my "wise mind".

Embarrassingly long soundtrack on open display:
(links from spotify, my new friend in the glory of free internet while I'm hating the ipred law)

Extreme - More then words
Simply Red - Stars
Blink 182 - Miss you
Mint Royale - The effect on me
Lars Winnerbäck - Du får mig

And the list goes on and on... Good thing I remembered turning off last fm scrobbler, or did I??

I'm not buying it.

Trying to stabilise, trying to find some solid ground in all the chaos around me but just ending up where I stated. Starring at a lantern and not really knowing what to do next. Ha, it seams to always sound like this. Yup, that's me. Never knowing what I want or where I should go. And once again I slipped, spent way to much time in my little room , and hoped I might find out where to go from here. Nope. My head is as empty as it was before, except of the fact that my tummy's empty too.

So today's mission is not climbing a ruin in Visby, not to accept that I'm slowly falling (in love), not to save the world but simply... oh, heck I've got no idea. Do you? Or the future me reading this? I only know I'm not fully agreeing with this thing people call reality. And why the fuck should I? But its time to wake up now, honey Smell the coffee (tea) and what?


Little bubble of chaos. Press pause on reality.

Soundtrack: Björk
The picture is from a Klimax demonstration earlier this year.

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Ah, of course! Now I know what's wrong! Its Autumn in Sweden. Welcome to my reality. Even though my life is always in a state of chaos.

The Happy Visby gang from this summer, with newcomers and missed one's, meet up for the annual "Visby Culture Night" to catch up and party hard. Yay us! These things usually never happen even if you say "oh, we are really gonna try and see each other again." But we did. And we even managed to complete the mission that we set out to do, so many months before. So here it goes and I really do hope I wont get into trouble cause of this.

This is so uncalled for. As I finally admit to myself that I need to stay put in one place cause I can't handle missing more people at the moment, I find my darling new friends living everywhere in the country instead. I've lost little pieces of my heart in all corners of the world. But as I give it away, as I share it and open up, as I show them and the places my heart I get something very important back. Another piece of the puzzle. But being on the road meant I had nowhere to sit down and try to put all the pieces together, I guess that's why I feel that I need to stay put for a while. To sit still. And yet, I' still travelling. (Even if its not all to far.) And losing little pieces of my heart. Still missing people and gathering new once to the list of "gah, I wish you were here!". But I know that I need to leave again once I've gotten my strength back up. I need to find more pieces, lose more little hearts and fall in love with more of the beautiful places of the world.

Stood on the ferry this morning and saw the sunrise over Visby while leaving its harbour. As the sunlight hit the first house I felt an even bigger piece then usual break lose and tumble down over board, splash as it hit the cold water and be united with the love for that island and the special people who live there or just come to stay for a bubble summer happy weekend once in a while. I felt like I was losing a way to big piece for me to handle all at once to you, Mr. B until I realised that I wasn't losing it at all. (Remembering Relationship Anarchy.) I realised I'd gained another very important piece of my puzzle. One I've been looking for for quite a while. (But to make things clear, I was NOT looking for a crush/lover. I was looking for another piece of the puzzle, like I always am.)

As I've written again and again (or at least talked about but wrote real honest in Once Again back in Real Life.) I finally had he guts to stand up for myself and say no to sexual intercourse, to the actual penetration and to the dick. To be all frank and truthful. But I never realised that that didn't mean that I closed a lot of doors until now. I thought that meant that I wouldn't have sex, wouldn't get pleasure from someone else and wouldn't get all that close. I'd lose one of the important and most intimate things that happens between two people (or can happen). Of course I'd still have sex with girls and all of that but the only problem was that it seamed like I still had crushes on boys. And not the macho manly once but the sweet, often very androgynous and not thinking in a gender norm way. If you could phrase it like that.

But then I found the piece that's been missing, the one I never even thought about. While allowing myself to feel and act and remembering to be true to myself I found out that sex didn't need to be all about the penetration, genitals and orgasms. I've never even thought it was possible but it felt like we found something better, something that was even closer, more intimate and loving then the handling of flesh. And I'm not writing this to "out" anyone, I do hope Mr. B doesn't mind and even though I probably would like to just keep it to myself I found out, once again through a previous post comment, that there are others out there who can't handle the "normal" sexual intercourse. So this is to show, mostly to myself, that its very possible to make love, have sex. Or let me rephrase, its very possible to (in the extremely romantic way) "become one", "tap into each others hearts".

I was planning on having an awesome weekend with friends and a cute innocent flirt, things didn't turn out as planned. Heck, they never do. Lots of partying but no film in an old church. It was poring down outside and way to cold so they moved it to the local cinema, which wasn't as cool but still very sweet to see a scary movie all seven of us while screaming at the right places and having an educational moment, since we were watching "Peeping Tom" which, I believe, was from the sixties and ground breaking at the time. Lots of more partying, lots of sauna, tea, sweet vegan food, lovin' friends and late nights but then there was that innocent flirt which turned out to be something completely different.

Scared while writing, scared while thinking, scared while feeling but its to big to just ignore. I'm falling. Another little piece of my heart is now washed up on the shore of Gotland. And as I saw it fall hitting the waves beneath the ferry I couldn't keep my tears back anymore. Just as its hard when I'm writing this. I could always try to explain it with "Haven't slept or eaten properly for the whole weekend" and so on but I think its something more. Cause no matter what happens now I found that piece of the big puzzle that is me, so thank you Mr. B and thanks to all the poor souls who had to listen to my endless ramble about my confusing "love life". Its thanks to them that I was strong enough to say no which opened a whole world of doors for me to explore.

Wow, talk about honesty?! Well, there you have it. And it might be a bit easier to understand then my drunkin' ass trying to, well I don't know what I was thinking about, blog earlier.

(Pictures; Visby while leaving the harbour. Sunrise over Visby. Me on open water.)

So while listening to way to cute music from my teen days, missing everyone heaps and bloggin' I decide that just for today I'll stay inside my little bubble of happiness and will deal with the real world outside my window tomorrow.

Soundtrack: Sigur Rós - Milano