isobelll - with 3 l

Gosh, how long have I not wanted for you to ask me that exact question? I've longed for you to want me, to ask me, to say you miss me. I don't Even if its only make belive. Pretend. I don't know. Anything. And when you finally asked I suddenly felt so fuckin' scared. I could feel my heart racing, not knowing what I should answer. If I say yes, will my heart get broken all over again? Would I be able to "survive" another merry-go-around?

And as always I've got a (frickin' irritating) thirteen year old little girl with a pink jumper runnin' around inside that confused head of mine, bubble happy;
- "Yes!!! Oh, yes! Yes we'd like to see you! Of course we do.. yes. I've longed for this for so long."

Yet there's a different voice making pretty damn sure I listen to hir, someone being all Gothic deep inside;
- "Do you really belive he's really telling the truth? Do you really think he's gonna make it this time? Are you willing to put your heart on the line again?"

As they keep fighting for my attention I just stand here, stunned, not knowing what to do. My instincts tell me to run. Hide. Duck & Cover. But my heart...

Just seconds after my initial answer of: "Uhm.. gosh. Oh. Yes. I guess." I could hear myself (chattin') answer;

- "Yes! Oh yes! More then anything.... even if its just for a second."
Am I really that desperate? Do I need Zhe to want me cause I feel like I can't even stand myself - winter is upon me. And how could Zhe stand to be around me when I don't want me around this time of year in the first place? He warned me that he was all winter and scared. Once again I could see myself saying even though I probably know not to,(still chatting cause we both know that we'd just break down and cry if we heard each others voices)

- "If you can accept the "Winter version of me" I'll accept yours."

But then again, "its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"?

Zhe wrote an absolutely beautiful poem today. I still wonder what it means though, if my mind is making up stuff just cause I long to hear it?

However, for some strange reason (probably cause I have the nicest couch surfer ever at my house at the moment) I'm all bubble happy on this sunny day at work. Actually liking my jobs and new colleges. So all in all - a good, somewhat confused me is rounding up the post of the day with a smile and a lot of hope for the future.

Soundtrack: Front Minor - Where'd you go
Picture: Random picture of a cool sign I found in Stockholm that sorta reflects my thoughts of what I'm all about at the moment. Cause at the end of the day we're nothing but "now". And right "now"... I'm gonna listen to that thirteen year old girl and I'm gonna follow my heart.