isobelll - with 3 l

There are certain thing you start noticing when one gets a full time job - that for someone like me who's been either travelling or studying haven't actually applied before.

1. The first two months are simply about work - Bed. (Hopefully this will change)
2. A glass of wine after work seems all the more important thing to do then ever before
3. Meeting your friends means you'll have to give up blogging or sleeping (as you'll notice, I haven't been bloggin')
4. My normal "to do" lists seem like nothing compared to what I have now
5. Most importantly - I'm constantly running out of underwear

I can't even begin to describe the feeling as they finally came on stage. We were all stunned. Moved to tears and the only thing I could feel or at least phrase was "Thank you". The utter and complete feeling of gratefulness. So Thank you, Massive Attack! You were absolutely brilliant! Pure Love.

Still not celebrating Christmas with a merry bunch of queer friends, hanging out for about four days or so. Sweet.Vegan food, games, movies, sauna...

Heart: Gosh, wounds do heal with time and time means forgives. My heart is still very much broken but I'm not as angry anymore and I have a hard time remembering why we parted at all, or I do know its just that I've sorta... Oh, I don't know. I've started to dream again, about Zhe. That it would in some magic way be all sweet and cute once more. Bullocks. But Zhe hasn't been contacting me at all even though hen's FB status is still screaming that he misses me. Why doesn't he just call? Yeah, that's right. No cell. Mail? Gah, gotta start getting over this shit. Gotta stop dreaming and hoping for stuff that will just never happen anyways. Fuck it. Bullocks.

Still Dreaming.

Soundtrack: Do I even have to mention this one? Massive Attack!! And thanks mum for coming along with me, I had a great time!

Person of the day: Mum who I got to share this massive experience with!

Decided yet? I asked myself again as I walked home from the house squatting in Rinkeby where I've helped out last night. As the date creeps closer I'm drawing a total blank. Feels like its just gonna turn sour no matter what I do. Until I made up a little Top Secret plan just for me. Thanks to the glory of Internet and a few friends (?) its gonna be a sweet as day (don't jinks it!!), with no one knowing why. My Top Secret B-Day. Where nothing can go wrong cause --> no expectations - no regrets.

The thirteen year old girl inside my head is smiling and finally at ease while the sour goth realist says
- "watch out, don't get your hopes up. You'll end up having a shit ass day anyways, just wait and see dear darling. Wait and see... Besides, if its that important to you that no one finds out, why the hell post this on your blog? That you're wanting to keep it a secret? And whats with that anyways? Wanna feel special?"

And at the tender age of 13 she replies somewhat hurt:
- "... na, not special. That's just the point. Nothing special from someone else, nothing at all. If I'm not up to it then no expectations and I can just pretend that there's nothing going on. And its not special anyways, just a day like everyone else in a year. Heck, I'm not celebrating Christmas or well, ok New Years but... Gosh. Just no... Sorry for the accidental opening of my mouth and thoughts."

Goth Realist:
- "Your excused, for now. Ha, just wait and see... You'll know I'm right in the end anyhow."



Soundtrack:
Stay Ali (thanks to Electro Boy for shouting out that they had a gig in Stockholm coming up! Yay!)

Note to self: 
It might not be one of your brightest ideas to put the weird conversations in your head on public display.

... it doesn't mean I've got nothing to say. Often it means I've got way to much to get it on print. Either I'm out in the big world on adventures or I'm having another one of those nice episodes of chaos in my life. (Well, there's always a state of chaos in my life to be honest.)

So for the last few weeks everything's been upside down, again. Job problems, money issues and social breakdowns - it's been kinda hard but I'm still here. I just need to catch my breath for a while. Reminding myself of meditating each day, listening to that "wise mind" voice. Keeping track of the thirteen year old way to in love insecure girl hidden inside my body just longing for the next txt from Zhe. Its been nearly a month since we last meet, we've tried over and over again but our schedules just don't seam to fit. Which Sucks. Real bad. At the moment, (Oh I haven't given up hope yet) it looks like it could be until after Christmas!! And that thirteen year old girl inside me is screaming, jumping and going all sorts of mad inside, mostly cause she's just really lonely without him I guess.

Soundtrack: Michael Jackson
A suggestion from my mum, its a special family day today. Love ya! This one is for you.

Sunday its all gonna happen, I'm gonna check out Massive Attack with my mum! Yay! Lots of year ago when they came to Sweden I said to myself "Oh, well. They're probably awesome but I really don't have to see them live" and wow did I regret that! Even though they're not in my playlist at any given time I've still loved them since forever.

First love was Karmakoma which I watched on MTV as a teenie and got scared shitless. It was just about the same time as "Come to Daddy" with Ahpex Twin came on and that one also brightened up my fear of the dark. Thank you...


This was the time before internet entered my life for real and I had absolutely no idea who Massive Attack was until I one day in the record store (which I rarely visited due to low founds) found the album "Protection" on sale and "Blue Lines" next to. Wow! I was bluffed and the Cd's didn't leave my stereo for ages. Got the "Mezzanine" as soon as it hit the stores. So now its finally time, Massive Attack.

Soundtrack: A week dedicated to Massive Attack.

Ha, but what's real? Not a lot in my life. Not according to real people with real jobs. But what the fuck, I'm back on top of my game. I just got a room! Yay me! Fuck yeah! Got a lot of larps, travelling and projects to keep a close eye on within the near future. Going to Göteborg on Thursday for a sweet reunion with the "White Trash gang" and so on.

So I got a room, I got a sorta job or I got enough money to pa my bills and eat, I've got heaps to do and my horrible crush is finally letting me go. (I was the one having the crush, hate it when that happens.)

And the larp "Krigshjärta III" was pretty good in the end anyways, I had some real cool scenes, so called meta scenes, where we go outside the game and freeform what could be thoughts, dreams, memories or anything else that wants to get out. Sweet as. Thanks to Tarick, my family, Lukas and all the rest - you know who you are.


Oh, and did I mention? I've got a room!!! Haha, nah but seriously. I've been looking for ages and this one I can afford and I move in next week. Mint!

Music: Michael Jackson

Fore those of you who read the automatically streamed notes in Facebook, this is my real blog address: http://isobelll.blogspot.com where you can actually see the videos. =)

Getting another cold, having my days again and all at once while I was suppose to be trying out a new job today. I called in sick. Not really being able to swallow. Can't taste anything. Drinking way to little. Watching the Michael Jackson memorial and missing him. I also found my old band T-Shirt. Or I did a couple of weeks ago actually. I was getting ready for that larp that I went to when I needed to have about 10 love letters with me that my character was suppose to have written and I hand no inspiration at all. So I googled old love letters and put on some heartbreaking old music that I used o listen to when I was a teen. Of Course Michael Jackson was a huge part of my lie when I was about 12 (?). And I've never stopped loving his music. So with "Will you be there" in my ears I finally got to write the letters.

There are lots of cool (?) punkers at my place most of the days, mainly cause two of them live here and amongst a lot of other thing they got their love for different band T-Shirts in common. And I didn't wanna be left outside so I found my old band T-Shirt which I've started to use and nightshirt over the last months and put it on. This was about 3 weeks ago. Then I went to the larp, way out in the Forrest without any connection to the outside world. It started at June the 25 where I turned of my cell and the modern world. As soon as the larp ended - the guy my character had written those love letter to - told me that Michael was dead. What? Nah! That can't be true.

It didn't hit me until last night when I watched the Memorial live stream via CNN. Shit, there's the casket. The living room - where I live - was once again filled with the punks playing some video game about killing zombies or rather one was playing it while the rest of the four were glued to the screen in amazement. And later on the homo-erotic boxing game at least made it possible for two of them to play at the same time. Not that I can understand why its so much fun Watching someone Else killing things. But hey, life's got a fair few mysteries left, don't you thing?

So as they were playing I watched the Memorial in my computer corner with headphones and as Michaels brother came on the show singing "Smile" tears stared filling my eyes. He'd touch many of our life's for the last 4 decades and it doesn't even matter if the accusations against him are true or not (but as an old fan I never believed them) I couldn't care less about his private life but I truly loved his music (even though Michael only did a cover on that song once). The evening went on and more and more of the old classics and lots of speeches, often way to long, were streamed into my laptop. It might have been my having a bad cold, getting my period and all of that mess but I truly cried. And as Paris, his 11 year old daughter said "Daddy, I love you" all of us (the fans) cried. So I guess, Thanks Michael for making great music. And even though I really don't believe in God I do hope that you find the rest you so deserved. Come to think about it it somehow already felt like he died lots of years ago, no offence intended. So when the body caved I wasn't surprised. I hope he had at least some happy years at the end. It must have been really hard for him. Ha, so now you know another (big) secret, I'm one of those old MJ fans - might not have been the first guess considering what I'm listening to now days. Or well, I think I've sort of come full circle and can appreciate lots of the old tunes, found my "Hip Hop Nerve" and love the sweet funk again.

Movie of the Day: Revolutionary Road - watched it a second time today, its a real good one! The Characters are well played and feel very realistic.
Song of the Day: Depeche Mode - Home
When that song came on live at Arvika Festival I finally "understood" Depeche Mode.

The pressure was on! Come on, give me the last day! And you failed? What? I fell asleep to "Anna Ternheim" who's real sweet but way to slow for a festival, didn't even bother going to Jenny Wilson cause I knew it was gonna be sort of the same. Then the third girl started singing with one of those cute voices and I almost went berserk. I would have if I wasn't so tired. Even to tired to go to "Mustasch" and I saw some of "Fleet Foxes" which was really nice but once again way to slow.

Thåström was really nice though, even if he was slow as fuck too.

I woke up a 8 AM in a boiling tent, with sweet sunshine and a need for a bath. Our camp went to the close by sea and went swimming even though it didn't make a lot of difference - the water was 26 C!! Spent some time with my mum and ad a huge pizza =). As she left I started drinking and the first show of the day was Welle:Erdball. I'd seen them before but this time they were really good, the show was cool and it brought back lots of memories. And in the middle of the show they added lots of pink balloons that went bumping throw the audience - sweet!

So I went to the Arvika Festival and - of course - had a blast. Not as I thought it would be but real good anyways. I stayed clear from almost all the flirting and concentrated on the music and my camp.

I was lucky enough to drive a small bus from Stockholm to Arvika which was great, only problem was that even though a guy knew that we were going the wrong way didn't say anything. So we made a D-tour that took about 2 ? hours? Gah! But once we got there everything was sweet. The bus was used as Depeche Modes transportation the following day =). But I didn't drive it.

So the Acts? Wow! They were great!

The Festival stated of with having a huge hug with my mum, drinking champagne and going to see one of my favourite bands "Detektivbyrån". Yay!

Its a messy weird place, up there in my head. I just wanna quite and run away again. Is that's way I love the road so much? I've got no clue. I just know that the weather, the people and the sofa I call my home isn't quite where my heart is. Even though I've got no fucking clue where that is. I need something new. I need to know whats gonna happen next, what I would like to do when the leafs turn red. I need to know what happens when I've run out of favours and money all together. What the fuck am I gonna do about money? Or am I gonna be able to pull it of like Dylan has, totally without? My head is a messy fucked-up place when my heart has gone to sleep.

I ran around in the rain yesterday, made cartwheels and felt the cold water licking my feet as I jumped around bare-feet through the puddles. I was happy then, excited about the small things and my future, I guess I should know better then to trust people. And I should know better then to run around in the rain, I'm 26 and should also know what I would want to do with my life. But most importantly I should know that if I'm really happy my fall with be so much bigger. But last and the thing I should be listening to, its not all that bad. I know its just one of my mood swings and nothing to get all worked up about. Chill.


Song of the day: Tina Dickow - On The Run (live acoustic)
Which I heard the first time at a concert in Copenhagen with Charles. (The Cute Danish Guy)


Oh, and I did fall that night. But I got "sober" again just a few days later and realized that all "Men" are idiots. And are just to be kept as friends. But I had a sweet tie that night, at the Tivoli in Copenhagen.

We stumbled upon a show that was so cute! These guys made us laugh so bad but were so good!

I'd never heard about this word before I hit the islands (New Zealand) and started listening to their music. Some of my favourites and first encounters were Kora, Fat Freddy's Drop and Katchafire. Which all, I've realised just a few minutes ago, use the word skanking in at least one of their songs. So what is Skank or Skanking? Reasersh shows that its a form of dance:

"Skanking is a form of dancing practiced in the reggae, ska, ska punk, ska-core, hardcore punk, and grime music scenes.

The dance style originated in the 1950s or 1960s at Jamaican dance halls, where ska music was played. British mods and skinheads of the 1960s adopted these types of dances and altered them. The dancing style was revived during the 1970s/1980s 2 Tone era, and has been adopted by some individuals in the hardcore punk subculture. The punk version features a sharp striking out look with the arms, and is sometimes used in moshing to knock around others doing the same. The striking out with the arms while traveling in a circle is also common in psychobilly "wrecking."

The term "skanking" has also been used to refer to a style of rhythm guitar playing employed frequently in reggae music as part of the actual rhythm section, commonly misconceived as a regular up stroke across all six strings of the guitar on every other beat of the measure, frequently exactly accompanied by the keyboard equivalent. It is actually mostly played with a downstroke on every second beat, rather than a up stroke on the off-beat. This would upset the common down-up-down-up motion rhythm guitarists play, with the down on the beat and the up syncopated."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skank_(dance)

Ah! Now I get it! So the word of the day is.... Skankin'. And can be found here:

Katchafire - Skankin'

Kora - Skankenstein

Fat Freddy's Drop

About these spring bubbles... They are all good and so on and so forth there are just a few major issues. Not with all of the of course, I've got bubbles for the tiny little new leafs outside my window, for yet another cute flower and when the neighbours cat comes for a cuddle and so on. But when I've got the bubbles for people, that's another story all together. Being a relationship anarchist and obviously not knowing when I'm flirting or rather, according to everyone else, flirting all the time. People perceive me as a flirt where as I don't always intend to be. Hmm, I don't know how to deal with this in words, especially written once on a blog, but I guess I'm gonna give it a try.

I worry how my relationships (or as I informally prefer to call them - "to relate to people") are perceived by Normal People. This can be really good or often, especially if I'm quite fond of them, really bad if the person on the other side doesn't share my perspectives and can't tolerate how I live. (If you feel like reading about the last time I got my heart broken, look at September 2008 in the blog archive to the right. I think it even stretches into the next month after that, and whom I called "a close friend/my flatmate/Spikey" - for lack of better words and privacy reasons - and so on.)

A entirely different "problem" is the issue of gender - I'm getting way to personal here so this is the time to stop reading. I identify myself as... uhm, this is actually a huge problem - which word I use for identification. A person outside the normal gender-identity-system or simply "queer" (again in lack of better words). No this isn't quite right. Ok, once again. A person who... Hm. I keep on switch who I go out with, what I identify my self as - dike, femme, "flower power girl", political activist and the list goes on and on. Who/what gender identification I have sex with/am attracted to. But I identify myself as a woman, more about this further down.

I'm not into people who identify with the binory genders. If you're bisexual you like boys cause they're boys and girls cause they're girls, I don't. I mostly fall for the people who go beyond these catagories not necessarily meaning transgenders (in whatever way/form) but people who identify themselves as a non-gender, anti-gender or make up their own gender, not taking things as granted.

So far so good, now to the even more personal part. From time to time, I bubble (which is the simplest way for me to describe the feeling) for a heterosexual guy. Which is totally fine but if it goes further then that and some little innocent flirting - which I most probably wont notice that I've started if someone else doesn't point it out - it gets complicated. I've got no intention of being in a "Normal heterosexual relationship/relation" with someone, none at all. Despite me finding them/him interesting. I've got no desire of being put in the position of a "heterosexual woman" which I've been discussing before, getting that typically feminine role. Even though I don't have any problems with my biological gender and am quite happy identifying myself as a girl/woman/female I don't like the part that society has chosen for us and the way people treat us. This is simple enough in theory but as soon as one puts it to practice it becomes a lot harder to uphold with a heterosexual man (in whichever way he's there). So what to do? I like the people/him/them but not the script - "the game" and the part I have to "play".

Simply, Some of the things that are important for me in closer/intimate relationships are: To know how to have fun and when to be serious, to not put me in a heterosexual female situation (which sadly often means that I have problems with heterosexuals), people who had a WAY to sheltered life. And most importantly relationship anarchists- even if its non sexual close/intimate relationship, in normal terms "just good friends".

I of course relate to people that are not compatible with these categories and some of them I'm very close to and have been for years! But when "new people" come into my life I ever so often realise that even though I like/love/bubble them they don't know how to handle the relationship. This of course gets me into trouble.

This is really hard to write about so that others can understand so feel free to ask me directly or in my comments.

A Perfect Circle - Sleeping Beauty
(You're far to poisoned for me...)

I've realised over the years that my money is spent not on booze and candy but art and music. And I can't and wont carry the albums with me so I got all music digitally but I love concerts, and will do almost anything for a chance to see my favourite bands. (Some of them are on a list to the... uhm, right? I don't "do" left and right, can't tell them apart). But when someone asks me about my favourite band I always say that I've got two that are at the absolute number one, Björk and Nine Inch Nails. I've spent I don't know how many hours at end listening to both of them, laughing and crying at the same time. I've never been fortunate enough to see Björk live but had the pleasure to watch Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails creator, front man and really everything) 4 and a half times!

The first time I didn't even know the band, it was in Roskilde 2000 (?). The year with all the deaths at the Pearl Jam concert where I was suppose to be but got held up, puh for that one! I was at the festival with my mum and her friends, just turned 18 and my first festival. My favourite band at the time "Bush" were playing at the same time as NIN and I ran from one concert to the other and saw some of the final songs with Trent but then forgot about this amazing man for several years. Actually my mum made me listen to him in the end. Years later my boyfriend at the time liked NIN and gave my mum a cd which she for a whole years played over and over in her car, ok so this must be good? I slowly got into the music and when "with teeth" - the album - came I was lost. Shortly afterwards my phone rang and a very excited voice said "Nine Inch Nails are coming to Hultsfred, we need to go!!!" (Hultsfred is a big Swedish festival close to where my mum lives). We needed to be there, me and mum who'd made the call.


It was pouring down when Trent came out on stage. Wow! One of the best concerts in my life. The best thing, perhaps, was reading about it in the papers afterwards from a reporter who clearly didn't know anything about Trent, that he'd called the audience "you fucking pigs...!" while we were all lovin' it this poor reporter didn't get why. Haha!

Nine Inch Nails started, just as before he took his big break, spitting out god music and I got more and more lost. Fuck, this is to good to be true. He came to Stockholm not to long after Hultsfred and me and my mum where there again, screaming and singing along. He came a third time and that concert (even though it sadly had a horrible boring audience) was my mums 50th birthday gift!!


I moved to New Zealand and thought that I would never see NIN again, sadly but true. "The Slip" came out and sure enough a new tour was posted, with one stop in Auckland. Yay! I couldn't wait for the tickets and got them on pre-sale on the homepage as a fan and got a special ticket that let me come in with the other dedicated fans before the public was let into the concert hall. Wow! And there I was but this time, my 4th and a half, it was without my mummy which was really weird. Trent said that this was probably gonna be his last tour and I went form the concert with mixed feelings, what no more albums? No more music? Fuck, what the hell am I gonna do now, huh Trent?

So I took heaps of pictures and videos of the concert and loved every last minute of it. Until just a week ago when I out of a pure chance and a cute Danish guy, ok I gotta tell that story later on, checked out the Danish festival Roskilde and what bands they had for this year - and started screaming and txting my mum, NIN is coming! I still don't know if we're gonna be able to go, money, time, work (still don't know if I got it but the interview was ok I think)? But I'm keeping my fingers crossed for one last chance to see my favourite band - Nine Inch Nails.


"Nine Inch Nails - Something I can never have" Auckland, NZ 2009

So the story about the cute Danish guy? Well, ok... but now its getting personal again so this is the time to stop reading if you're scared or just feeling way to politically correct cause I'm sure as hell not!

So I went to Knutepunk in Norway and meet up with heaps of friends that didn't know that I was planning on coming, Ninja!! Had some sweet reunions and cool moments that I thought were forever gonna be buried in booze memories from last year. I wont go in to them, at least not right now.

The LARP convention started with a Larp, yay! Even though it wasn't that good and brought up a theme that wasn't really appropriate or rather it was to big for that short amount of time I got some good gaming and had a lot of fun. (I'm not gonna try and explain larp, which I've tried many times over in the blog I think.) So I got the part as the flirting bimbo and didn't really know who to flirt with. There were three guys to choose from that my character could "fall for" but two of them didn't seam to experienced with playing and had a totally different gaming style then I have, I mostly go all out within reasonable limits of course. But I saw that one of them, The Game Master or rather the guy with the papers, had a character that was perfect for gaming and the guy itself seamed ok and the same "all outthere" gaming style as I have. So I played along, flirted and got closer so I could drop a real sweet line, later I heard that it must have been strait out of "American Beauty" - "Oh... Have you been working out?". Looking up on the guy with huge admiring eyes and biting my lip, this was all in game of course. (That is, my character as the bimbo was flirting with his character - larping.) Later I found out that the Game Master, the one organising the game for us had giving me this part so that he could have some game time with me. Oh, really? I should be pissed of for being type casted but well... I really can't.

Cause later on that day, as embarrassing as it is to admit, we started flirting. As ourselves. Gah! But he was a bit to cute besides it was way to fun not to. And I always, as bad as it sounds, go for fun. Or I try to. So we kept on flirting and late at night when I was heading up to my bed and I just had turned down the offer of getting a drink in his room I left him with a sweet, innocent and nervous good night kiss.

The next day I had heaps of games to go to and some real cool seminars. One was how to have a monologue in a game and help each other having them (a meta technique in larping) and in the afternoon we tried it out by taking part in the game "A place to rest" where all the communication between players was in monologue form, yay! This actually turned out to be such a good game that its competing with some of the best ones on my list, and I've been doing this for more then 10 years now. Good on ya, "guy's"!

The gala dinner came and went, I kept on spontaneously gaming with a few friends and then the cute Danish guy (hmm, I'd better get him a nick name that's shorter... what to call him?) came and asked me to dance. Which I at first couldn't due to game but later on loved every minute of. He turned out to be a real good and fun dance partner who loved to play along to the lyrics and after being part of a secret ritual on knutepunkt, getting back with an old friend and then returning to the dance floor to have some more fun with TCDG (The Cute Danish Guy). You all know what happened afterwards. Come on, I'm not some sort of saint. You know even though I can try to hide it. We spent the rest of the weekend being rather cute and me having a strangely warm tummy whenever he was around.

Ok, so I crush rather easily but at the same time there has got to be something there that really captures my attention. And for some reason it did, even though it was a guy which I'm not really interested in any more and way to young. Lets not go in to numbers, just that he was way to young. I'm thinking I might have some sort of "I'm getting old (26 now) complex" cause this is not the first time I'm going for people that are way younger then me, embarrassingly enough. At some point we started talking about relationships, oh no... Not that one again. I always get into trouble right about there cause there are so few relationship anarchist around and when I started explaining that I want just what everyone else wants but without rules that make me wanna jump fences, that I preferred trust and warmth. The love you can only experience when its totally voluntarily and being chosen every time someone spends time with me it got sort of complicated. Apparently "you can't have the sweet without the sour". But what?! No, no, no... That's not how I wanna live my life, besides there is always heaps of sour when you relate to people - why would I want to create more just by following this silly norm we've got in society? No, not my thing. "But you're just gonna go back to Stockholm and forget all about this. Gone with the wind..." Well, No, that's not me. I keep in touch and when I say, "I'd love to see you again" I actually mean it. So even though we are as unlike/alike as we can be and everything else that's "wrong" I still kinda like him.

But hey, he's another box for me. Everyone that has made me smile, for whatever reason, goes into a little box in my head and on rainy days or when everything has turned into pure shit I look for my little boxes, dusty and forgotten but not lost. And I open them and smile, feel, love and remember. So Thank you for making me smile, whatever happens that was the simplest and most important thing. Now we have a good mailing contact that I hope continues and that we at least stay friends. I'd like that very much with a still somewhat (scared) warm tummy.

To explain things a bit clearer, relationship anarchism means that every relationship - every time you relate to someone - its unique. This means that all your contact with someone else is totally unique and can't be replaced. So every time I'm jealous, cause of course this happens to me too, I think about how I wanna be treated and that I'm, however hard they try, am unreplaceable. So if I talk about more people then one in this blog ots because I'm trying to be as open as I can and show me, you, someone or just write about this other way of looking at relationships with the people we love.

Band of the day: "Nine Inch Nails"
New Zealand Band of the day: "Left or right"
Muic that has been playing all night: "Tool" and "A perfect circle"

I am the super Ninja! Haha! Fooled you all. ;) Ok, so its like this - I'm back in Sweden, Stockholm at least for the summer. This of course no one knew about, not the beautiful people at Knutepunkt (a larp convention I go to every year, this time held in Norway), not my old "gang" and not even my brother. So today was the day my ninja skills were gonna be put to test, I arranged a play date with Cat and my brother and while Cat was busy hanging out with Hip-hoper I snuck up on Brother, attacked him from behind (yeah, yeah... how many years of martial arts did you say you've been practising...?) and the best thing was, cause I've dyed my hair, he didn't even recognize me! Ha, ninja that one!

Afterwards we checked out the weird but hilarious film "Herr Landshövding" which apparently has caused quite the debate in Sweden, what the fuck is the governor up to? Well I can tell you, he's on "fika" (which means e is taking a social coffee break). I was laughing throughout the whole film and it felt just like being back on track with the dry Swedish humour that I've been missing so bad. Getting together with parts of the old gang afterwards was a sweet and well deserved bonus.

Song of the day: Apparat - Arcadia

I tried, I really tried. I got to vote even which is so wired considering I've been in the country for 4 months now on a student visa but nothing could help I guess. Not even me. National won, the conservative side. The "Moderaterna" of NZ. Grr!

Other stuff thats happening? Well, way to much school? Been there almost every da, including weekends for a while now. Working hard until midnight most days. But this is the last week so I need to crank it, all will be done soon enough. If I survive that is...

State of Mind - Sun King


That was some of the music that we heard the other night and Drum&Bass is what we listen to mostly when we go out and dance, it a huge scene down here. But its really mint so I don't mind at all.

This track came on somewhere at the end at the Wellington gig and I thought I was gonna start to cry! If you listen closely you can hear that its Björk - all is full of love.



Björk - all is full of love


Another one of my new favourites is "The Black Seeds" and "Fat Freddys drop". They all sound a bit like "Kora" but again not. Check them out! Great NZ music!



Fat Freddys Drop - Roady

Thanks Cat for making me feel less like an idiot, that my theories aren't just my own weird ways of thinking. And I even want to quote you

"It always astounds me when people don't seem to see that:

1) No rules can stop anyone from feeling unsecure

2) No rules stops anyone from leaving a relationship or secretly have other 'exclusive' relationships at the same time

3) Inventing restrictions for lovers and friends so that they only are allowed to interact lovingly with you, is a sure-fire way to lose someone to the other side. (It's also not a very loving thing to do to someone you really dig.) Instead, giving freedom is actually a better way to retain friends and lovers - they will have no reason to jump the fence (as there is none, rather pointless then, eh?)."

I'm also reading "The Dispossessed" by Ursula le Guin which is basically a book all about how an anarchy society works compared to a capitalist one. And there are some pretty beautiful lines and ways of thinking in there. "If you'd really wanted to kill someone would a law stop you?"

Or maybe I'm just on a anarchy-green flow right now.

Been listening to some new music that I got from a friend back home before I left so today I'm all about Balkan Beat Box, Big Mama Thornton, Djivan Gasparyan, Lavay Smith & Her Red Hot Skillet Lickers, lounge legends - the original masters of lounge, Robert Plant & Alison Krauss and Sufjan Stevens. Thank you so much hun!

And personal favourite today and the concert from last weekend, Lady 6.


The hole weekend has been about partying, again. Like always. I need to try and be sober at least one Friday but its gret fun so I'm all happy. And because all friends couldn't come on Friday the party simply started all over on Saturday. And I had to eat my last famous words again "na, I'm gonna take it easy tonight." =)

I saw th most beautiful youtube yesterday, thank you so much mum! I cried and I cried and oh, I miss you so much!

Oh and before I forget again, I got a new piercing =)! One in my ear this time, a small ring. I'll try to take a pic of it later and show you. Adrenalin rush.

Kazai just called, thanks man! Fuck I miss you so much! Just hearing your voice, your laughter and feeling your smile made my day. And it already was a real good one too. Lots of creativity and fun i school. Cute friends and new music. Plus I'm actually doing my homework, yeah I can hardly believe it myself.

We watched Lord of the Rings the other day (all of them and extended!). Man that was a lot of hours but as always so worth it. And in the end, where I always sob, when Frodo leaves middle earth with he elves on the fairy my tears just wouldn't stop. It really got to me, Spickey even got worried and I cried for about an hour. Cause when he gets on that boat he leaves his friends and family just like I left mine. And like I'm gonna do over and over again. Spickey said that I just didn't have to leave then but I do, I need to see the world. Its not something I want to do, I need it. But I still can't shake the feeling that I'm gonna be alone/lonely for a long time and over and over again. Britannia said that its gonna be so weird when I leave. And I guess I already am so attached to the people here that I'll miss them heaps too. Fuck, I really tried not to get close to anyone but I know I would be miserable if I didn't so I guess that I'm fucked either way.

But today, when Kazai called, the tears that had been so bad the other day turned in to joy. I love you so much...

Oh, and this is the Cat I live with. Its her room so to say, she's always here and were way before I got the room. And its all good and cuddly, the only problem is that she loves the cuddles. Preferably always and in the middle of the night. Her whiskers tickle my face and wakes me up, again and again. Gah! Some times it means that she wants to get under the covers again but other times I think its just because she wants attention.