isobelll - with 3 l

I can't even begin to describe the feeling as they finally came on stage. We were all stunned. Moved to tears and the only thing I could feel or at least phrase was "Thank you". The utter and complete feeling of gratefulness. So Thank you, Massive Attack! You were absolutely brilliant! Pure Love.

Still not celebrating Christmas with a merry bunch of queer friends, hanging out for about four days or so. Sweet.Vegan food, games, movies, sauna...

Heart: Gosh, wounds do heal with time and time means forgives. My heart is still very much broken but I'm not as angry anymore and I have a hard time remembering why we parted at all, or I do know its just that I've sorta... Oh, I don't know. I've started to dream again, about Zhe. That it would in some magic way be all sweet and cute once more. Bullocks. But Zhe hasn't been contacting me at all even though hen's FB status is still screaming that he misses me. Why doesn't he just call? Yeah, that's right. No cell. Mail? Gah, gotta start getting over this shit. Gotta stop dreaming and hoping for stuff that will just never happen anyways. Fuck it. Bullocks.

Still Dreaming.

Soundtrack: Do I even have to mention this one? Massive Attack!! And thanks mum for coming along with me, I had a great time!

Person of the day: Mum who I got to share this massive experience with!

... it doesn't mean I've got nothing to say. Often it means I've got way to much to get it on print. Either I'm out in the big world on adventures or I'm having another one of those nice episodes of chaos in my life. (Well, there's always a state of chaos in my life to be honest.)

So for the last few weeks everything's been upside down, again. Job problems, money issues and social breakdowns - it's been kinda hard but I'm still here. I just need to catch my breath for a while. Reminding myself of meditating each day, listening to that "wise mind" voice. Keeping track of the thirteen year old way to in love insecure girl hidden inside my body just longing for the next txt from Zhe. Its been nearly a month since we last meet, we've tried over and over again but our schedules just don't seam to fit. Which Sucks. Real bad. At the moment, (Oh I haven't given up hope yet) it looks like it could be until after Christmas!! And that thirteen year old girl inside me is screaming, jumping and going all sorts of mad inside, mostly cause she's just really lonely without him I guess.

Soundtrack: Michael Jackson
A suggestion from my mum, its a special family day today. Love ya! This one is for you.

Got ya! I told my mum that I was gonna come visit her but always pushed the date and finally said "I'll see you on Saturday". But little did she know about my plans... Early on Friday morning, after just about 3 hours of sleep (due to reasons I'll explain later) I got on the bus that would take me about 5 hours downwards in the country. But the stupid bus company Swedbus (http://swedbuss.se) fooled me and it turned out to be 2 buses with a stop over in Västervik for about 2 hours. WTF? I needed to hitch hike the last bit anyways so I got real pissed of cause the bus from Västervik was only gonna take me to Vimmerby which isn't even an hours ride and I'd paid it totally in wain. I decided - to hell with them all - got out in Västervik and instead of waiting for another 2 hours I started walking back to the big road.

I got a bit nervous not only about trying to hitch in Sweden, the Nordic countries or Europe for the first time but also using my right thumb. And having a sign which I for security reasons hadn't had duing my 4 months of hitching in New Zealand. That way I could always say no thanks to the ride and blame it on being a stupid tourist that I again was on the wrong side of the road. This I never had to use though, even if I realized that some of the rides were rather sketchy and maybe I shouln't have gotten into the car. But I'm alive and well. *Touch wood - reaching for my head*

After about an hour and a half of walking backwards trying to get to the highway I started getting worried. People are a lot colder maybe cause of the climate here but there is something about Swedish people (me becoming one of them I must admit, applying and getting the citizenship not even a year ago- now I'm both German and Swedish). The cold and tired faces of stressed people. Out here in the country side its a lot better but there is still the hint of fear in everyone's face. You never start talking to someone on the bus or the street. They might be out to get you! Security cameras everywhere. Big Brother's watching. A guy ol me that after 20 years on the same job, which he actually seamed to like and do well, he started getting controlled when he got there in the morning and when he left for the day. Isn't 20 years enough time for earning ones trust? He got mine. He picked me up and I shared a ride with him and his family all the way to my mums front door. Thank you and I trust you. Fuck you, Big Brother, fuck you...

First Emil (the dog) didn't recognise me. He sniffed and sniffed until he must have gathered up all his brain cells and finally knew that his big sister had come back! And he started running all over the place, going all wild. The family is all back together, yay! My mum however wasn't around. So I put down my pack and went on looking until I found her in the garage cleaning her car and listening to her "fake pod" (yay, don't give in to evil mac). What the fuck are you doing here??? Haha! Love, reunion and family. Finally. Its almost been a year since I'd seen her, way to long but with the being on the other side of the world, literary, its been a bit difficult. Oh, I've missed you heaps mummy! So I ninjad you too! Fuck, I've even gotten requests of people wanting me to ninja them. Well, you never know. I might maybe get there, some day. When you least expect it of course.



We talked all evening and I went to bed at a reasonable hour, a real bed with covers and pillows. Wow! But best of all, with my old teddy Katariana who fell asleep in my arms about 10 minuites into the movie been played on my laptop. Luxury pure.





And oh, I almost forgot. I only slept three hours cause I was taking a spontaneous walk with Cat late at night while talking about "us". Ok, I'm getting personal now so if you wanna stop reading this is the time.

I've been in love (more or less) for more then a year with hen and and hoped the love we shared would continue now that I got back to Stockholm, at least for the time I'd be spending here. But our meeting in Morocco didn't, as you can read about in previous posts, turn out as planned - a reunion in the Sahara desert and the trancesahara festival. So everything has been kinda weird between us, it didn't feel like we'd even meet at all.

I began to feel like the typical woman, wanting physical attention and getting the cold shoulder one minute and the opposite next time I turned around. Making me feel very insecure, scared of showing my own feelings and unloved. This is very common in a lot of "normative-relationships" and is another reason why I'm totally uninterested in them (if you missed it, which is hard to do, by now - I'm a relationship Anarchist and queer (not defining genders), which means I'm neither interested in being in a normative relationship or acting/being treated as a "typical normative woman"). So I got quite pissed of and tired of being scared not to be loved back, or rather not to be "fallen in love with"(for lack of better words) and equally of being treated like/feeling like a "normative woman". Knowing that Cat would never willingly put me in this situation, cause hen is a strong believer in relationship anarchism and queer too, so what went wrong? Or why was I feeling like this?

+ I have no intentions of coming back to Stockholm and having my heart broken, none at all. Of course I knew that me being here again had no guarantee that we were gonna find our way back or rather find a future together as friends/lovers/companions. Though its hard at times I can always try to "turn off" or rather not "build up" even more of the "bubble-falling-in-love-warmth" in my tummy for someone, which I wanted to know if that was the case.

So we talked and talked, something that is the centre of all relationship anarchy "thingys/lovers". Which is one of the reasons why I love it, not only having the big talk when its already to late to save anything. And after a while we realised that it partly had been a misunderstanding, as so many things usually are, we speak in different languages when it comes to "love talk/feelings and such". And we decided that we were gonna take it real slow. Cat still being sort of startled of me, as hen said it, that I was "being back form the dead". Which made hen scared of losing me again, or not seeing that I'm here at all. And therefore not knowing how to act around me. I've been gone for a long while, longer then we'd known each other (I've known about hen for years but never having the guts to get to know hen for real until about January 2008). But I'm still on a journey while hen's been "left behind" and even though hen's gone throw a lot its still in the same country and the same city. So while I'm moving on and on hens still. Meeting up again is therefore a bit tricky cause we are at different places in our lives and/or relationship. Gonna spend heaps of time together and try to find a new way to relate to each other and the new people we've become. But oh, yeah... I'm still/again hopelessly in love... (For lack of better words).

Song of the night, ta Cat : DJ Krush - On the Dub-ble

Papers everywhere. Yes, They find me - anywhere I go there are lots of more forms and photos that has to all be done before I can leave the country. And yes, of course it is a luxury problem but still! The eleventh call today to yet another public authority makes my head spin.

A lot has happened as always. The world keeps on spinning just a tad to fast for me but I'll manage. It has been my first years of art school. Strange how fast the time went by and I still can't get enough of it all. The exam exhibition was ok, of I hope it was a lot more then ok, but I'm glad it's over and I'm quite satisfied with my part.

Everything, in theory, is set for New Zealand but there are as I said still way to much paperwork. And I'm getting really nervous about the hole thing. The worst thing is right now all the technology problems I've been having. My cell broke down for real about a month ago, after a long period of thinking I bought the W380i Sony Ericsson. But it didn't work - for instants the mic just quits on me in the middle of a conversation. So I got a new one, and guess what? The same problem occurs again. Prispress, where I bought it, now clams that they have a problem with the purple one and not the gray and I might want to change the colors and it may be all right or if I want another phone. And now I can't decided again. What to do? Luxury problem that can turn bad if I don't have a working phone when I'm in NZ.

To become a Swedish citizen there are a couple of things you might want to know. It's quite the paper challenge. First of all prepare yourself for a lot of phone calls and headaches. Then load your skype with credits. Let the games begin. You have to live in Sweden, send in your passport, be prepared to run to different migration offices that are closed - have the wrong address - are rude to you when you finally get there, pay a lot of money and so on. And if, yes if this sound exhausting, you'll know it's just the start of it. Yay me! And the answer to it all? If I wanna come back I have to get the citizenship before I leave.

Person of the day: Cat - how stood outside of my window with a flower to surprise me, so Romantic!
Persons of the month: My aunt and mother for their support, help and love.
Yesterdays Birthday boy: My best friend Kazai