And I'm not suppose to blogg but to work on my project but what the hell aye? I need to get this out of my system.
So as you might have noticed, Zhe is out of my life. Gone. And yet again, I wont get into the details. Its still to vivid. To emotional. Still to hurtful. That someone's silence could kill a love like that is, huh, no. I'm not gonna do this. Not now.
However I've probably had the perfect rebound just a few weeks ago, a friend of mine who's sweet but not to sweet. Who I wont fall for but is "nice enough" to date. The fact that hir became a instant vegetarian while watching "Eartlings" with me, knows heaps if philosophy and has that London accent is probably the reasons why I liked hir in the first place. And just as we were sorta going "uhm, so what is this shit between us?" London (which is the rebounds nick name cause of the heavy London accent) fell in love with someone else and decided - which seems to be the theme for a lot of people - that "hey, I'm not a relationship anarchist when I have a real relationship". Haha! you wish. But I got out before getting any bubble stomach feelings. Puh. And we're still friends. But of course we'll probably not hang out as much anymore cause as soon as someone gets a "real relationship" (Gah, I hate it when they call it that) people tend to disappear. Btw, this is a dare. What do you say, London?
I guess I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and concentrating on my job plus of course Knutpunk.se which is on including "A week in Stockholm". This means that I've got up to 8 (!!) friends from all over, mostly German and Danish, at my place. Woho! Lovin' it.
Spring is finally here. I can feel it in the air. But there is something missing. I've said all winter long that "when spring finally comes, our feelings will thaw as the world thaws too." And they have. Not just to one person but to... the world? The feeling of being in love hits me several times per day or its more in the background without me being able to shout it down, but I've got no one on the receiving end which is sorta weird. But I guess for the better. I can focus my energy on other stuff. Such as Knutpunkt an larping.
Randomly spontaneously flirted with a cutie on the train yesterday though. Which is so not like me. Ok, people say I flirt all the time - even when I don't mean to. This thing started with me just being way to stubborn and feminist to look down when our eyes meet. And after a couple of cute winks, a few minutes "pretending to stare outside the window while looking at one another through the reflections" and a starring "contest" hir came over go chat.
"So what are you up to tonight?"
and I answered, "actually, I'm going out with a bunch of larpers to celebrate. You know what a larp is?"
And guess what, hir knew. We parted with a hug, not exchanging phone numbers but leaving with a smile. Everything that's required for a boost of self-esteem. Thank you. Whoever you are. Maybe we'll meet again, maybe we wont. However, I wish hir luck on grandma's funeral. And you're performance. Sending some thoughts your way, just so you know.
Note to self: Self-esteem doesn't come from someone else but from yourself. I don't have to tell you that, just wanted to clarify it once more.
Soundtrack: Yann Tiersen
Picture: Tussilago - one of our famous spring flowers.
Never had a real full time job before. Not a proper one that isn't only during the summer. All of the sudden everything changes. And having two jobs, well... it might be just a bit to much. So I've decided to quit Guiding even though I kinda liked it I just don't have the energy for a 6 2/1 day week. 5 days (and all my projects) is quite enough, thank you. I guess it will take some time until I get used to all of this. I'm still wondering what "normal" people do or rather - how they do what they do.
Now for the confusing thing of joining the union... And picking a union too!
Heart: I'm cured. Tell you more about it later. But for now, the spell is broken and I'm free once more. Finally. With a calm warm feeling in my tummy.
Picture: SAC - the union I'm thinking of joining.
Soundtrack: Green Day - Working class hero
So I found out that poem, that lovely poem Zhe had written it was indeed about us (and posted on his blogg - in Swedish). Ok. Breathe. But what does it mean? What does it actually say? At the end of the day, to be quite frank, I haven't got a clue. But its nice. And if feels nice to be mentioned, to be someone's mind, to be written about and remembered. It feels... warm I guess is the best way to explain it.
Oh, btw. Zhe is not coming around this weekend. I sorta already knew, time optimist. But I'm not hurt, I'm not sad. Its ok. I'm still just so happy that Zhe actually wanted to meet up with me. To be completely honest, I'm quite relived. I'm not sure how I would have handled it. Besides, I'm in no condition to be all nice and loving towards anyone at the moment. Uhm, no. Rephrasing. I'm in no condition to be close to someone. Freakin' winter mood. If you haven't experienced the cold - both inside and outside - of Stockholm then uhm, I guess I just wont be able to wrap it into words either. Lets just keep to a simple explanation, a simple one - Winter.
Green: I'm so fuckin' pissed of at everyone wearing fur! And I'll leave you with the green homepage of the day. Wanna come and join in the fun and games with me? Its dressing the Olsen twins in fur coats.
Picture of me and Zhe: Sometimes I wonder, Are you really there at all? And if you are, do you wanna see me?
Gosh, how long have I not wanted for you to ask me that exact question? I've longed for you to want me, to ask me, to say you miss me. I don't Even if its only make belive. Pretend. I don't know. Anything. And when you finally asked I suddenly felt so fuckin' scared. I could feel my heart racing, not knowing what I should answer. If I say yes, will my heart get broken all over again? Would I be able to "survive" another merry-go-around?
And as always I've got a (frickin' irritating) thirteen year old little girl with a pink jumper runnin' around inside that confused head of mine, bubble happy;
- "Yes!!! Oh, yes! Yes we'd like to see you! Of course we do.. yes. I've longed for this for so long."
Yet there's a different voice making pretty damn sure I listen to hir, someone being all Gothic deep inside;
- "Do you really belive he's really telling the truth? Do you really think he's gonna make it this time? Are you willing to put your heart on the line again?"
As they keep fighting for my attention I just stand here, stunned, not knowing what to do. My instincts tell me to run. Hide. Duck & Cover. But my heart...
Just seconds after my initial answer of: "Uhm.. gosh. Oh. Yes. I guess." I could hear myself (chattin') answer;
- "Yes! Oh yes! More then anything.... even if its just for a second."
Am I really that desperate? Do I need Zhe to want me cause I feel like I can't even stand myself - winter is upon me. And how could Zhe stand to be around me when I don't want me around this time of year in the first place? He warned me that he was all winter and scared. Once again I could see myself saying even though I probably know not to,(still chatting cause we both know that we'd just break down and cry if we heard each others voices)
- "If you can accept the "Winter version of me" I'll accept yours."
But then again, "its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"?
Zhe wrote an absolutely beautiful poem today. I still wonder what it means though, if my mind is making up stuff just cause I long to hear it?
However, for some strange reason (probably cause I have the nicest couch surfer ever at my house at the moment) I'm all bubble happy on this sunny day at work. Actually liking my jobs and new colleges. So all in all - a good, somewhat confused me is rounding up the post of the day with a smile and a lot of hope for the future.
Soundtrack: Front Minor - Where'd you go
Picture: Random picture of a cool sign I found in Stockholm that sorta reflects my thoughts of what I'm all about at the moment. Cause at the end of the day we're nothing but "now". And right "now"... I'm gonna listen to that thirteen year old girl and I'm gonna follow my heart.
I knew that this years valentine was gonna be a hard one (just as they always are?) so I prepared myself by (way in advance) asking a good friend of mine if he wanted to be my (friend) valentine and he agreed. To make things clear - I don't actually believe in Valentines day but it sorta gets to me anyhow. Even though I know its all a big consumption conspiracy thing.
Anyway, we ended up at a friends house, his brothers to be specific, the 14th of February. The dreaded day. Sigh. Getting quite drunk. Which in this case was both a blessing and maybe, just maybe, not the most brilliant moment of my life. Each time the guys went out to take a smoke I ended up on Facebook looking though all of my old pics with me and Zhe being all happy. Gah! No! Bad idea. Is Zhe still thinking of me at all? Am I being to honest again? Reviling? Maybe. Private blogging och Pulic display.
Ha, here I go again. I miss "us" so bad. Still. So I made the huge mistake of writing Zhe (the one I really wanted to ask in the first place),
"I know I shouldn't ask but I'm going to anyways - will you be my valentine?".
My Secret Valentine. I even attached a this picture of an Relationship Anarchy heart that I'd stitched for Zhe but haven't finished yet. For obvious reasons. Yes. Embarrassing. I know. But now for the worst part. Realising what I was about to do I cancelled the email before it got sent, or at least I think I did. Drunk and fumbling. Nervous. I haven't got a clue if it actually was sent at all, if I managed to stop it or if Zhe has had this quite desperate little message of love in that inbox without replying for all this time. Woah! And my inner thirteen year old girl is about go to nuts. Not knowing. Wanting to know. Wanting to hide. But more then anything, wanting attention. My secret valentine managed to be secret even to me.
Never ending story? Gee, I don't know. Sure feels like it.
Nomb. Trying to fight back those tears. As soon as I think its over they start all over again but I wont cry anymore. I've had enough. That's it. My heart is closed for business.
A friend of mine said : "What you need is to cry, and shout, and dance, and fight. Preferably all at once." Yeah, I should. I guess. But believe me when I say that at the smallest little things, I break down and cry.
"Nothing hurts like Hope" is written on my wall, thanks to another friend.
Nightmare: Heaps 'n Heaps! I usually fall asleep before I hit the pillow but this whole week has just been a struggle, tossing and turning. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall asleep again. Vivid nightmares and feeling restless altogether. However, I'd gotten "The Sandman" (wiki) form the library yesterday and gosh, it felt oddly comforting falling asleep with Morpheus in my hands.
Job: Third interview, still no answer from any of them though. Humpf.
Person of the day: Mr. Smith who wanted to throw up when he saw what actually happens inside the slaughter houses, even the ones in Sweden. And also watched Earthlings with me last week.
And just as I thought I had figured out a way to get over Zhe, just plain "let it hurt" and "accept" I got a mail from him. Saying how much he missed me ect. Gah! i don't even know what to say, what to feel. I'm still so in love. Humpf.
People of the day: Berget in Göteborg.
Soundtrack: Eddie Izzards laughter.
City of the Day: göteborg
Event of the day: New Years eve
Secret of the day: I finally got up the guts - Dreads!!! That's why my hair is totally messed up ;p
Picture of the Day: me hitching in Sweden.
Year of the day: 2009
Is that it? Is that really it? Karma payback time? Ok, thank you. I got the message. Thank you.
This year has to be some sort of record. I've seen stuff, visited places that I'd never even dreamed of. Meet people who've taught me valuable lessens when I needed them the most. And I guess that includes the once I'd rather been without. The break ups. Cause gosh, there's been heaps. Remember Spikey? It must have been about three break up attempts with him (He being the one going back and forth.). Then the big summer lash out with Cat (I'd been/(am?) in love with hen since January 2008 (?)), nope I'm not over that one yet. And as I got back to Sweden, well... It never got even close to what we had before. We got off on the wrong foot. I still love hen though, heaps. Actually way to much. But its not gonna work. And then Zhe, in and out. Back and forth. Six bloody break up txt's from him!! WFT?! And I took him back, time after time. I caved. But that is defiantly it. I can't take anymore. I don't wanna have my little heart broken once more this year, come on! That's not to much to wish for is it? It's not even two weeks left of 2009? Pretty please? But don't say hi till its over.
And what do I wish for next year? Gosh, anything but Love! I always wish for anything else but love though. But I know I wanna get back on the road again, after summer time is up here in Sweden are my current plans. Hopefully hitting Asia. But heck, my plans always change. So I guess I wish I could stick to this one, cause its gonna take a lot of work and be a real hard one. I've got a mission over there, I need to find out some things about myself that I know I can only do when I'm there. (Don't ask me how I know, I just do).
Happy New Years?! Well, I guess not yet. Its still about two weeks to go.
Green: I'm still to pissed off at this non deal to actually deal. Bullocks!
Nightmare: Yes, more then one but its not as severe anymore. Maybe a 4.5 on the Richter scale.
"This is so not fair."
A thirteen year old girl is sulking inside me with a pink top on and headphones filled with love songs.
"Its so not fair... How could this happen?"
The goth doesn't have to be asked twice,
"Well, what did you expect? That you were gonna live happily ever after?"
The Pink teenie looks down on her little doodles which mostly consists of hearts and marks a huge cut in one of them, "Well, not for ever but at least for a while? But for gods sake, can't we just be happy together? When we're both still madly in love?" She says and tries to erase the lines that mark that her little heart is broken.
The Goth, kindly for once, replies,
"Yeah, I'm with you there babe. Silly. Still, its my duty as the bad one floating around in her head to put the whole thing down. Besides its real poetic don't you think, having this huge ocean come between two people who do really love each other?"
Pretending to see the ocean and a little candle on the other shore marking her loves whereabouts, the Pink teenie answers,
"So you really think that it would be all peachy if they juts lived on the same island? Nah. If its love, true love, then it doesn't matter where you are or how often you meet each other. And its 2009 (almost 2010) we've got phones, internet and the ever so adorable txt messages. And even though there's this huge ocean its only a three hour boat trip and its still in the same country even."
As I clear my head and try to breath I end up feeling numb. I hate the way Zhe is treating me although I know he really doesn't mean to. Not on purpose. It doesn't matter in the end though, does it? Cause I still end up hurting. Like hell. When I look myself in the mirror, the reflection of how he sees me when we're not together... - I crumble. Is that me? No. I'm sorry. Which always leads to one of two things, either my self consciousness drops down below zero or I try to call Zhe. And in both cases, guess what? I lose. Cause Zhe wont answer, thinking I'm that girl in the mirror and if I am, gosh... Then I really do understand his silence. Hmm, did that make sense to anyone else but me?
And once again, its time. Heck, its been about two or three weeks since the last break up txt? And afterwards he promised ever so dearly never to do that again but to talk to me? But he did. And refused, just like always, to talk to me. At last he finally called however. Gosh, I really don't mean to make him sound like the bad one. We both are, just as always. Just let me finish my little heart broken story and you'll know that I'm very aware of both of our sides (or hope to be). Or rather, no. I wont get into details. Lets just cut the chase, communication break down. Again. As Always.
Sadly, even though we talked for an hour, hos phone went flat and we'd still gotten no where. Well. I know I can't get on that merry-go-around once more. I can't. I'm just gonna end up hurting myself if I do. And he feels the same way. But we both still are very much in love, so what to do? Wait and hope that it will pass? That we'll get over it? Hope that next year will bring better luck? Hope that we'll get back together one sweet day? Frankly, I don't know. Just that I love him. And I wish I didn't, but I do.
So freshly out of the sauna, with massive amounts of love from people everywhere (oh, I'm so forever grateful for all your warm support - you know who you are) I'll listen to one of the songs that was sent to me again, and again before falling asleep.
Picture: Random cute hit on internet.
No more climate topic for the day, I'm way to pissed of at the COP15 atm.
Soundtrack: Kate Bush - This woman's work (Lyrics)
Waited for Zhe at the central station. Meditating, promised myself that nah, that was it. We're were gonna hang out, build a friendship. Have a nice day together and part as just friends. But he woke me up with a touch of his hand, sending chills down my spine. I caved. We hugged. I tried so hard to let him go, to let it go. To have a friendship hug but no... He sat down beside me and neither one of us dared to let go or talk for the better part of half an hour. We capitulated.
But what the hell is gonna happen now? When its too good to let go but tearing us apart as soon as we're not together?
Soundtrack: Björk - Unison and the voice of Zhe (Lyrics)
Why does everything have to be so "life and death" all the time? Me and Zhe fought again last night. And everything tumbled and broke down once more. Breaking up txt, fifth in the order. I can't take this anymore. I'm falling apart. Can't handle any more of this shit. That's it. But I stayed in again. Watching Buffy, feeling sorry for myself and canceling the plans I had for the night again. Waiting for that call. Waiting for Zhe to work up the nerve and call me to break up properly. He promised but I'm freshly out of trust.
At midnight the cell finally had "Zhe" written on the display. We both cried for the better part of half an hour before anyone of us could talk at all. Drama queens? You bet. I might have finally found my match, cause gees I know I am one of the worst you'll ever find. He was suppose to come visit me today but he said he wanted to wait for one more day but I seriously couldn't handle anymore waiting around. That's it. I can't take it. Please, pretty please get on that boat tomorrow morning so we can try and patch up the friendship at least. We hung up at 4AM and he headed out for the mainland at 7AM this morning. I managed to sleep for about an hour, nightmares all over the place waking up before the boat left his harbor with the heart in my throat. Is he really gonna come this time?
But its over, we're not getting back together. I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't even recognize me. Got nothing left of me. And no, its not all Zhe's fault. On the contrary. I've made just as many mistakes. I hate being in love. My world goes from the normal state of chaos into some sort of hell dimension. Its always been like that. And here I am again, heart broken. But this time we're both still in love, this time around he's experiencing the same hell as I am - in his sweet little heart.
I can't help wondering if its always gonna be like this, that I'm never gonna be able to handle being in love.
Thirteen year old naive girl in my head:
"No, sweet sweet isobelll. It's not always gonna be like this. In fact it doesn't even have to be like this at all, it doesn't have to be over. You love each other for fucks sake!! Its not fair... its just not fair." She starts our saying and falls into a tantrum screaming at me with tears running down her cheeks.
The Gothic voice, who constantly keeps on changing its sex while talking, calms her down and with a drama queen gesture, lights a candle and says:
"You know its always gonna be like this. You know that you'll never be able to be in any type of love relationship (anarchy or not). You can't handle it. Look at yourself for fuck's sake! You're not worth it anyways and besides, you can't keep exposing people to yourself and the weird little chaos world you're living in. In fact, I don't even understand how you could ever believe it was gonna work out this time around. And the argument of "but he loves me" doesn't exactly make it any better, not knowing if you're only fooling yourself or not, it doesn't give you the right to break his heart."
The pissed of thirteen year old girl turns up the volume of yet another love song to drain out the voices and violins. While I try to silence them both with some hard core dubstep smashing my ears, failing when my fake pod hits random again.
Wish me luck, give me strength. The moment of truth, again. I'm meeting Zhe at noon, first time he visits me too. I wish I'll be able to find that wisemind voice of mine, the one who always gets me on the right path in the end. Where I just know. Where I can't close my eyes and flee. I don't believe in god but if I did, this would be the time for prayer. Ha.
As my fake pod randomly plays a love song I leave my thoughts behind for the time being.
Soundtrack: you'll never guess, Lamb - Gorecki.
Picture: Wharariki - New Zealand - Me
When I woke up this morning the world was covered in frost, delicate and deadly. Just like Zhe. Its been on and of between me and Zhe for a while now. Or wait a minute its been like that since the beginning. I'm constantly going around my heart in my throat, thinking "is this the day when it will all be over, when I wake up and realize that this love story with Zhe was nothing but a dream?". And yes, I'm probably thirteen but then again... After having the forth (I believe) txt conversation with Zhe where he says "I like you but I just can't handle this..." yesterday, I just don't know anymore. I should be happy! Great, then its finally over! And I don't have to feel all awkward cause I'm in love with a guy (with the I'm not gonna give him sex part - which as I found out yesterday actually was a problem for him).
On n' off, back n' forth. "Yes, I'll call you..." then silence. I feel like I can't trust him, or myself for that matter. But I can't demand to be remembered anyways! If he doesn't want to then that's just the way it is, right? I wont, can't, don't want to force anyone to hang out with me if they don't want to. Is he lying when he says cute stuff to me on the phone? Is he to scared to tell me the truth? Does he remember me at all when I'm not jumping up and down for attention?
We were suppose to have a phone date on Monday, he'd set the time and date. And cause we live in different parts of the country having actual hanging out time on the phone is important. So I found a place to sit in the middle of the city where it was ice and quiet. And waited. 2 PM turned into 3 PM. 3 PM turned into 3.30 PM. At 4.10 PM I turned of my cell and tried to concentrate on my monday yoga class. I don't need to say that meditating wasn't exactly easy, do I? As I got out, he'd sent me a txt with "oh, gosh! I'm sorry I totally forgot. I'm with my mates now though, hope you have a great evening." Gee, Thanks. I didn't even know what to say. So I didn't. Tuesday morning I got the next txt, "I need some time apart..."- the breaking up started all over again.
I swore myself I wouldn't go back. That that was it. I can't handle anymore shit. I need to be able to breath again. Winter is hard enough on its own without Zhe messing things up. But I caved. We'd txt all day, or he'd answer me with about one or two hours in between. And then he didn't know if he had time for me after work, cause he was gonna fix his computer. That's it! I exploded. If a possession is more worth then any type of human contact with anyone then I'm out of here. I'd made up my mind. But he called. We fought. And I caved. As soon as I heard his voice I surrendered. I'm in love. I hate being in love.
A friend of mine pointed out that this whole thing (even though we have totally different problems) is sorta the same as what happened with Cat, I always went back. We broke up, I left but went back again and again. Cause I loved/love hen. "Do you really wanna put yourself through that again?" Gosh. I don't know. I... I don't know. The logical side of me says run for your fuckin' life! And my heart well, I don't know. What can I say, I'm in love...
So who's the bigger fool now? The one who breaks up with a txt (for the fourth time) or the one who goes back for another round of heart ace?
Soundtrack: my very own confusing conversations in my little head.
Hmm. Maybe not but definitely one of the cutest gifts I've ever gotten. Sometime during the early fall I chatted with a friend of mine when he all the sudden says "give me your email, I've got something special for you...". Ok? This usually means I'm in for a rather nasty surprise. But no. This was perhaps the cutest thing ever. I got my very own sand castle, with my name on it and all! Totally uncalled for too! I'd almost lost contact with him too (TCDG - The Cute Danish Guy) and then this... My all too poetic response; moved to bubbles with a dash of tears behind my neatly closed eyelids while enjoying that sweet warmth spread throughout my body. Gee, Thx hun!
Ha, of course he'd given the gift to a few other girls too which I figured out but I didn't mind. Heck, he remembered me!! Wow! So if your thinking about giving someone special or just a real good friend one of the cutest gift ever, I can totally recommend building a sand castle, write a sweet message across it and send the pictures. You'll be guaranteed a happy person at the other end. Environmental and eternal too. Smiles all around.
So a mega happy thanks, even though this blog post is way to late, to TCDG (The Cute Danish Guy) for that very special gift. And an even bigger thanks for letting me crash at your place next time I swing by Denmark.
As I've thought it over and over in my little head I've sorta come to the conclusion that either I'll give up the contact completely or I go with Communication is Key. And Kim (the example person in the previous post) who represents a few people in my life, is in one of the cases thankfully finally aware of the severe situation. So once again, Communication is Key. And even though friendships might end I'd rather talk it through and know why, where and when then just mirror the silent treatment. The change has to start within oneself, right?
Either way, with one of the persons giving me the silent treatment I've come up with a crisis plan. If the situation occurs again, we're both responsible for launching or should I say, releasing "Sydney". A non gender, objective third person with the soul purpose to look upon our situation and remind us not to fall into gender status problems, to watch out for the heterosexual norm, not to use domination techniques (härskartekniker in Swedish), that trust is hard to regain once lost and so on. I'm exited and a bit nervous, hopefully we wont need it but if we do, will it work? As we're both used to slipping into characters (we've been larping for years) that issue shouldn't be a problem but seeing stuff objective while being in a state or anger, sadness or power might be a challenge yet to conquer.
Trying hard to verbalize what happened since my last post. I've been trying all week. And yes, it is/was to good to be true but sometimes it turns out to be real anyways. I talked it all through with Zhe and yes. Its True. The thing I have with Zhe is to good to be true but it is.
See? I can hardly write. I'm scared to jinks it if I do!
I met him and we spent about two full nights of talking until we realized that we were on the same page, that we wanted the same things. In out own little special "isobelll&Zhe-style" with Relationship Anarchism as a solid foundation. [Insert small jump of joy] Once again communication is key. Oh, yeah... Communication. Well, due to (political) circumstances that very thing - communication - has (once again) almost had a complete breakdown. Sigh. Gosh. I really do hope that "we'll" survive this.
I've been sick more or less the entire weekend with Buffy as my main company and I'll tell ya this, there's no way you can have to much Buffy however its very possible there's to little of human interaction at this point in my life, winters almost here.
Gosh, I don't even know where to begin. Its all over between me and Cat. We've been trying all summer long but after "breaking up" again and again it finally ended last week. (The quote marks mean that we're both relationship anarchists) I knew it would come. And I guess it was a sorta mutual decision even if I was crying all the way. The Silent Treatment made me cave and realize that it just couldn't go on like this. We were only hurting one another, real bad. Never the less, as that dreadful day came where I just knew what was gonna happen I still didn't wanna do it. As we strolled along the path to the same spot Cat had taken me about one and a half years ago, I could feel the wasteland that grown and somehow fitted between us as we walked side by side. But this time it wasn't a nice and bubbly experience walking down to that old mansion by the water, this time Cat took me there to break up. Or we broke up I guess I should say.
I think we must have walked and talked for almost two hours, almost beginning to fight a couple of times, confessing everything bad that had happened. Why we both felt let down and hurt. Why we weren't able to solve the problems earlier and so on. I couldn't stop my tears from falling. And at the very end, when Cat had to run of to a meeting I just said something like "say hi from me to the others" turned around and took some of the hardest steps of my life. Maybe it was me imagining things but I could feel Cat's eyes upon me, wanting to say something but knowing nothing would help now. I think I must have sat on that bench, that I found at a near by lake, for quite a while - not being able to stop crying. As I finally pulled myself together I was frozen through and through. I know we can't be friends at the moment but oh how I do miss you in my life, Cat. I'm grateful for everything that you taught me, helped me with and for letting me love you. I guess I always will.
Pic: Cat holding a Cat. (I hope Cat isn't pissed of or offended with me publishing this one but even if you knew who Cat was you wouldn't recognize it from this pic).
As I got home I took all the stuff that immediately reminded me of cat and locked them away, I put all our sweet photos and put them in a map called "X - don't look at this" on my computer. I untagged our kissing pics on Facebook and realized that however hard I'd try I didn't wanna eliminate our past from my life at all. But for now, I have to. Just for now. Just a tad wee while. I hope that one day we can find our way back to a sweet friendship.
And at the very end, without being able to blame anyone for what happened (cause there none, no isolated events, just a long complex process and more misunderstandings, letting down's and hurting one another's then just about anyone can handle) there's just one thing left to say; I'm sorry, Cat.
Soundtrack: Antony & The Johnsons - Cripple and the Starfish That I played over and over again as I first fell in love with you, in January 2008
...Pretty, please. I really don't want this. I really can't handle this. I need to stay in control, to have my focus on what's important. On my future. I wont allow myself to lose sight of my goals. The only problem is that I can't stop it. I guess I never could. And once again my goals get altered. Not the big one's, I'd already decided to stay in Sweden a while longer. To rest and put all the pieces of my puzzle that I've gathered over the last year on the floor, turn each one over a couple of times and find out what to do next. But what I wasn't prepared for was this. You...
I absolutely hate falling in love. Can't handle it. Everyone else keeps on telling me to just enjoy the ride, that at least the one I'm being all bubble hearts for is actually feeling the same thing. But that really doesn't matter. Its not a question just about losing control of my own life, wanting to give it all up for just one more minute with him. Its about losing control over my sanity. It feels like I'm in a massive battle, I've already lost but I'm not quite prepared to put down my weapons just yet. That will make it hurt even worse if this is just a fling.I've just turned thirteen. Again.
My stereo keeps on playing silly little love songs, my eyes keep on starring into empty space and my tummy keeps on hurting - every time I get a txt from you, every time I don't. I've just turned thirteen. Again.
Me and Zhe.
(Oh, I can't keep calling you Mr. B even though you got the honer of choosing your own nick on my blog its just not working for me. So I'll call you Zhe which in Chinese translates to "Anarchist", just like you are. 者zhě)
Had a nightmare about Zhe. He said that since we're both relationship anarchist I wouldn't mind if he spent the night in my flatmates bed or if we could all just stay in there together. What? Uhm, no? RA is about finding out what we want and not what the norm has taught us about being in love. But that does Not mean that its ok to do just everything, its about communicating. Hmm, think I sorta lost the point I was trying to make.
Never the less, "uhm, no...?" I txt'd him back and woke up to check my cell. Nothing. No answer. And no txt saying what I'd obviously only dreamt. Nothing. In fact, nothing for the whole entire day! As it got up to 24 hours, preciously (yes, I'm 13??) at 3.54 pm, I thought it was just as well to set my mind into "get over him" mode. It was only then that I realised how far it had gone. That even if I wanted to I couldn't stop it now. So a very sad little dead Zombie walked the streets at "The Stockholm Zombie Walk". I've just turned thirteen. Again.
I can almost set my alarm to my mood swings, when I think that the world has gone under and everything is just plain and utter horrible existence. Its about 3 hours since the last txt from Zhe. Yup, I know, I'm sorry. I've tried. And the second I get another txt it starts all over again. I've just turned thirteen. Again.
Two hours later, after checking my cell way to often, it beeped again. Oh, How I love that sound!
And of course I'd just been a fool, he'd slept all day. He's not addicted to txt's like I am, not to facebook, like I am. He's simply just... gah, way to good to be true? Ha, listen to yourself Girl! Its hopeless to fight it off now, just sit back and enjoy the ride. I simply replied with turning the camera on me and sending him a zombie. =) I've just turned thirteen. Again.
The next night I didn't have any nightmares, I fell sound asleep as quickly as I hit the pillow and woke up as my cell beeped again (which I rarely do, or if I do I fall strait back to sleep). And while reading a cute "Good Night" txt, I fell asleep again with the cell tightly in my hands.
That's how I know thatI've turned Thirteen. Again.
Soundtrack (in Swedish): Lars Winnerbäck - Du får mig (, jag ger mig)
This is so uncalled for. As I finally admit to myself that I need to stay put in one place cause I can't handle missing more people at the moment, I find my darling new friends living everywhere in the country instead. I've lost little pieces of my heart in all corners of the world. But as I give it away, as I share it and open up, as I show them and the places my heart I get something very important back. Another piece of the puzzle. But being on the road meant I had nowhere to sit down and try to put all the pieces together, I guess that's why I feel that I need to stay put for a while. To sit still. And yet, I' still travelling. (Even if its not all to far.) And losing little pieces of my heart. Still missing people and gathering new once to the list of "gah, I wish you were here!". But I know that I need to leave again once I've gotten my strength back up. I need to find more pieces, lose more little hearts and fall in love with more of the beautiful places of the world.
Stood on the ferry this morning and saw the sunrise over Visby while leaving its harbour. As the sunlight hit the first house I felt an even bigger piece then usual break lose and tumble down over board, splash as it hit the cold water and be united with the love for that island and the special people who live there or just come to stay for a bubble summer happy weekend once in a while. I felt like I was losing a way to big piece for me to handle all at once to you, Mr. B until I realised that I wasn't losing it at all. (Remembering Relationship Anarchy.) I realised I'd gained another very important piece of my puzzle. One I've been looking for for quite a while. (But to make things clear, I was NOT looking for a crush/lover. I was looking for another piece of the puzzle, like I always am.)
As I've written again and again (or at least talked about but wrote real honest in Once Again back in Real Life.) I finally had he guts to stand up for myself and say no to sexual intercourse, to the actual penetration and to the dick. To be all frank and truthful. But I never realised that that didn't mean that I closed a lot of doors until now. I thought that meant that I wouldn't have sex, wouldn't get pleasure from someone else and wouldn't get all that close. I'd lose one of the important and most intimate things that happens between two people (or can happen). Of course I'd still have sex with girls and all of that but the only problem was that it seamed like I still had crushes on boys. And not the macho manly once but the sweet, often very androgynous and not thinking in a gender norm way. If you could phrase it like that.
But then I found the piece that's been missing, the one I never even thought about. While allowing myself to feel and act and remembering to be true to myself I found out that sex didn't need to be all about the penetration, genitals and orgasms. I've never even thought it was possible but it felt like we found something better, something that was even closer, more intimate and loving then the handling of flesh. And I'm not writing this to "out" anyone, I do hope Mr. B doesn't mind and even though I probably would like to just keep it to myself I found out, once again through a previous post comment, that there are others out there who can't handle the "normal" sexual intercourse. So this is to show, mostly to myself, that its very possible to make love, have sex. Or let me rephrase, its very possible to (in the extremely romantic way) "become one", "tap into each others hearts".
I was planning on having an awesome weekend with friends and a cute innocent flirt, things didn't turn out as planned. Heck, they never do. Lots of partying but no film in an old church. It was poring down outside and way to cold so they moved it to the local cinema, which wasn't as cool but still very sweet to see a scary movie all seven of us while screaming at the right places and having an educational moment, since we were watching "Peeping Tom" which, I believe, was from the sixties and ground breaking at the time. Lots of more partying, lots of sauna, tea, sweet vegan food, lovin' friends and late nights but then there was that innocent flirt which turned out to be something completely different.
Scared while writing, scared while thinking, scared while feeling but its to big to just ignore. I'm falling. Another little piece of my heart is now washed up on the shore of Gotland. And as I saw it fall hitting the waves beneath the ferry I couldn't keep my tears back anymore. Just as its hard when I'm writing this. I could always try to explain it with "Haven't slept or eaten properly for the whole weekend" and so on but I think its something more. Cause no matter what happens now I found that piece of the big puzzle that is me, so thank you Mr. B and thanks to all the poor souls who had to listen to my endless ramble about my confusing "love life". Its thanks to them that I was strong enough to say no which opened a whole world of doors for me to explore.
Wow, talk about honesty?! Well, there you have it. And it might be a bit easier to understand then my drunkin' ass trying to, well I don't know what I was thinking about, blog earlier.
(Pictures; Visby while leaving the harbour. Sunrise over Visby. Me on open water.)
So while listening to way to cute music from my teen days, missing everyone heaps and bloggin' I decide that just for today I'll stay inside my little bubble of happiness and will deal with the real world outside my window tomorrow.
Addictions: Travel + Hitch hiking, tea, art, dance, larp, play, cartwheels, my cell phone, music, the road, computers n' internet
Politics: Green-Veggie-Queer-Anarchist-Socialist
Loves: Animals&Nature, dark chocolate, warm hands, Urban Exploration, hitch-hiking, demonstarting, creating stuff/art, dancing, runnin' through the grass bare feet, adventures
Hates: to freeze, winter, autumn, losing control, my conscience, Falling in Love
Scared of: insects, the dark, Pennywise the Clown, Losing control, deep water, meat, freedom of will and not having freedom of will, the entrapment of a "relationship" (I'm a Relationship Anarchist), capitalism
Massive Attack, Queen, AFI, Takida, CombiChrist, Björk, Coheed & Cambria, Lacuna Coil, Deine Lakain, Bush, Pink, Rammstein+Tatu-kombo, Juli, Covenant, VNV Nation, Soulfly, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Silbermond, K-pist, Tool, Stabbing Westward, Within Temptation, Smashing Pumkins, The Used, Skillet, Architecture in Helsinki, Säkert!, Detektivbyrån, Fall out boy, Kate Nash, Freak Kitchen, Hello Saferide, Gwen Stefani, Eskalator, GoGol Bordello, Muse, Fall out boy, Shout Out Louds, Antony and the Johnsons, Blink 182, Rage agains the machine, Skunk Anansie, Arcade Fire, Silverchair, Kent, Dntl, Kora, Minuit, Sidewalk, Ladi 6, Lykke Li, Lamb, Lama, Stay Ali, Dubstep+Drum&bass, Mint Royal, Sigur Rós, Fat Freddy's Drop, Katchafire, The Black Seeds, Sidewalk, Joel&Joakim... and much more.
Spring is finally here. I can feel it in the air. But there is something missing. I've said all winter long that "when spring finally comes, our feelings will thaw as the world thaws too." And they have. Not just to one person but to... the world? The feeling of being in love hits me several times per day or its more in the background without me being able to shout it down, but I've got no one on the receiving end which is sorta weird. But I guess for the better. I can focus my energy on other stuff. Such as Knutpunkt an larping.
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