isobelll - with 3 l

Why does everything have to be so "life and death" all the time? Me and Zhe fought again last night. And everything tumbled and broke down once more. Breaking up txt, fifth in the order. I can't take this anymore. I'm falling apart. Can't handle any more of this shit. That's it. But I stayed in again. Watching Buffy, feeling sorry for myself and canceling the plans I had for the night again. Waiting for that call. Waiting for Zhe to work up the nerve and call me to break up properly. He promised but I'm freshly out of trust.

At midnight the cell finally had "Zhe" written on the display. We both cried for the better part of half an hour before anyone of us could talk at all. Drama queens? You bet. I might have finally found my match, cause gees I know I am one of the worst you'll ever find. He was suppose to come visit me today but he said he wanted to wait for one more day but I seriously couldn't handle anymore waiting around. That's it. I can't take it. Please, pretty please get on that boat tomorrow morning so we can try and patch up the friendship at least. We hung up at 4AM and he headed out for the mainland at 7AM this morning. I managed to sleep for about an hour, nightmares all over the place waking up before the boat left his harbor with the heart in my throat. Is he really gonna come this time?

But its over, we're not getting back together. I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't even recognize me. Got nothing left of me. And no, its not all Zhe's fault. On the contrary. I've made just as many mistakes. I hate being in love. My world goes from the normal state of chaos into some sort of hell dimension. Its always been like that. And here I am again, heart broken. But this time we're both still in love, this time around he's experiencing the same hell as I am - in his sweet little heart.

I can't help wondering if its always gonna be like this, that I'm never gonna be able to handle being in love.

Thirteen year old naive girl in my head:
"No, sweet sweet isobelll. It's not always gonna be like this. In fact it doesn't even have to be like this at all, it doesn't have to be over. You love each other for fucks sake!! Its not fair... its just not fair." She starts our saying and falls into a tantrum screaming at me with tears running down her cheeks.

The Gothic voice, who constantly keeps on changing its sex while talking, calms her down and with a drama queen gesture, lights a candle and says:
"You know its always gonna be like this. You know that you'll never be able to be in any type of love relationship (anarchy or not). You can't handle it. Look at yourself for fuck's sake! You're not worth it anyways and besides, you can't keep exposing people to yourself and the weird little chaos world you're living in. In fact, I don't even understand how you could ever believe it was gonna work out this time around. And the argument of "but he loves me" doesn't exactly make it any better, not knowing if you're only fooling yourself or not, it doesn't give you the right to break his heart."

The pissed of thirteen year old girl turns up the volume of yet another love song to drain out the voices and violins. While I try to silence them both with some hard core dubstep smashing my ears, failing when my fake pod hits random again.

Wish me luck, give me strength. The moment of truth, again. I'm meeting Zhe at noon, first time he visits me too. I wish I'll be able to find that wisemind voice of mine, the one who always gets me on the right path in the end. Where I just know. Where I can't close my eyes and flee. I don't believe in god but if I did, this would be the time for prayer. Ha.

As my fake pod randomly plays a love song I leave my thoughts behind for the time being.
Soundtrack: you'll never guess, Lamb - Gorecki.
Picture: Wharariki - New Zealand - Me