On n' off, back n' forth. "Yes, I'll call you..." then silence. I feel like I can't trust him, or myself for that matter. But I can't demand to be remembered anyways! If he doesn't want to then that's just the way it is, right? I wont, can't, don't want to force anyone to hang out with me if they don't want to. Is he lying when he says cute stuff to me on the phone? Is he to scared to tell me the truth? Does he remember me at all when I'm not jumping up and down for attention?
We were suppose to have a phone date on Monday, he'd set the time and date. And cause we live in different parts of the country having actual hanging out time on the phone is important. So I found a place to sit in the middle of the city where it was ice and quiet. And waited. 2 PM turned into 3 PM. 3 PM turned into 3.30 PM. At 4.10 PM I turned of my cell and tried to concentrate on my monday yoga class. I don't need to say that meditating wasn't exactly easy, do I? As I got out, he'd sent me a txt with "oh, gosh! I'm sorry I totally forgot. I'm with my mates now though, hope you have a great evening." Gee, Thanks. I didn't even know what to say. So I didn't. Tuesday morning I got the next txt, "I need some time apart..."- the breaking up started all over again.
I swore myself I wouldn't go back. That that was it. I can't handle anymore shit. I need to be able to breath again. Winter is hard enough on its own without Zhe messing things up. But I caved. We'd txt all day, or he'd answer me with about one or two hours in between. And then he didn't know if he had time for me after work, cause he was gonna fix his computer. That's it! I exploded. If a possession is more worth then any type of human contact with anyone then I'm out of here. I'd made up my mind. But he called. We fought. And I caved. As soon as I heard his voice I surrendered. I'm in love. I hate being in love.
A friend of mine pointed out that this whole thing (even though we have totally different problems) is sorta the same as what happened with Cat, I always went back. We broke up, I left but went back again and again. Cause I loved/love hen. "Do you really wanna put yourself through that again?" Gosh. I don't know. I... I don't know. The logical side of me says run for your fuckin' life! And my heart well, I don't know. What can I say, I'm in love...
So who's the bigger fool now? The one who breaks up with a txt (for the fourth time) or the one who goes back for another round of heart ace?
Soundtrack: my very own confusing conversations in my little head.
0 comments: