isobelll - with 3 l

A couple of years ago I had a party at my place and a few friends stayed over. The next morning I had quite the hangover and crawled back into bed after waving good bye to everyone, almost everyone. One guy, which I’d sorta known for quite some time, went back to sleep. I think we kissed the night before but I thought I was very clear on my part that I didn’t want anything more to happen.

As I woke up I could feel him groping me and I kindly pushed him away, over and over again. Blamed it on the hangover and forced myself to go back to sleep. But he didn’t get the message. I said no, no don’t, I don’t want to and no. At the end I didn’t know what to do. He just wouldn’t stop and tried to persuade me in all kinds of ways to have sex with him. Finally I gave up and tried to get it over with as quickly as possible.

I remember that it hurt as he pushed himself into me. I can’t even remember if we used a condom or not, but I’ve got a somewhat vague memory of us trying but that he was to big for the normal kind and it either broke or curled up and lost its meaning.

As he finally left I didn’t know what to feel or how to react. I tried to ignore it for quite some time but noticed that every time I had sex with men after that it left me feeling the same way. About a year after the incident I stopped having sex completely. I just couldn’t take the anxiety attacks afterwards anymore. And finally confined to a few friends of what had happened. Confused of how I should act or if I could blame him at all.

Still to this day I don’t have penetrative sex with men.

My story also at:
http://prataomdet.se/2010/12/20/e-pratar-om-det/

And I'm not suppose to blogg but to work on my project but what the hell aye? I need to get this out of my system.

So as you might have noticed, Zhe is out of my life. Gone. And yet again, I wont get into the details. Its still to vivid. To emotional. Still to hurtful. That someone's silence could kill a love like that is, huh, no. I'm not gonna do this. Not now.

However I've probably had the perfect rebound just a few weeks ago, a friend of mine who's sweet but not to sweet. Who I wont fall for but is "nice enough" to date. The fact that hir became a instant vegetarian while watching "Eartlings" with me, knows heaps if philosophy and has that London accent is probably the reasons why I liked hir in the first place. And just as we were sorta going "uhm, so what is this shit between us?" London (which is the rebounds nick name cause of the heavy London accent) fell in love with someone else and decided - which seems to be the theme for a lot of people - that "hey, I'm not a relationship anarchist when I have a real relationship". Haha! you wish. But I got out before getting any bubble stomach feelings. Puh. And we're still friends. But of course we'll probably not hang out as much anymore cause as soon as someone gets a "real relationship" (Gah, I hate it when they call it that) people tend to disappear. Btw, this is a dare. What do you say, London?

I guess I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and concentrating on my job plus of course Knutpunk.se which is on including "A week in Stockholm". This means that I've got up to 8 (!!) friends from all over, mostly German and Danish, at my place. Woho! Lovin' it.

Spring is finally here. I can feel it in the air. But there is something missing. I've said all winter long that "when spring finally comes, our feelings will thaw as the world thaws too." And they have. Not just to one person but to... the world? The feeling of being in love hits me several times per day or its more in the background without me being able to shout it down, but I've got no one on the receiving end which is sorta weird. But I guess for the better. I can focus my energy on other stuff. Such as Knutpunkt an larping.

Randomly spontaneously flirted with a cutie on the train yesterday though. Which is so not like me. Ok, people say I flirt all the time - even when I don't mean to. This thing started with me just being way to stubborn and feminist to look down when our eyes meet. And after a couple of cute winks, a few minutes "pretending to stare outside the window while looking at one another through the reflections" and a starring "contest" hir came over go chat.

"So what are you up to tonight?" 

and I answered,
"actually, I'm going out with a bunch of larpers to celebrate. You know what a larp is?"

And guess what, hir knew. We parted with a hug, not exchanging phone numbers but leaving with a smile. Everything that's required for a boost of self-esteem. Thank you. Whoever you are. Maybe we'll meet again, maybe we wont. However, I wish hir luck on grandma's funeral. And you're performance. Sending some thoughts your way, just so you know.

Note to self: Self-esteem doesn't come from someone else but from yourself. I don't have to tell you that, just wanted to clarify it once more.

Soundtrack: Yann Tiersen

Picture: Tussilago - one of our famous spring flowers.

I admit it, I've been having a slight addiction to Fortune cookies - the ones on the web - for quite a while now and love the irrational thoughts they randomly throw at you. And a lot of them do actually make me think. But I guess a lot of things make me "think" at the moment, all the while I'm trying hard to take action and letting go of things that simply aren't good for me.

The weekend before last I was at Prolog (http://lajvkonvent.se) which is a larp convention (and in this post I wont even get into what larp is, I think I've tried to explain it quite a few times already, there's always wiki if you've got no idea at all). Anyhow, I went to several larps but this one really got to me.

The game was about a bunch of friends who shared a flat together and their life. To summon it up in; The 70-tees, Free love, one monogamous couple and lots of hippies. The game in it self was brilliant and the new meta techniques were awesome but the best of all was the warm feeling I had (and still have) in my tummy of how it was (is?) to truely be loved and respected by your friends and partners. And even though I was just playing a character some of it stuck with me. The love. Oh, wow... I needed that love.

It made me see who my true friends are. And even though we might not talk to each other every day, we'll always be there for one another. The conclusion? I'm still working on it but dancing all Saturday night sure as hell helped. It always does. (Inc a cute girl I've been dating on and off this winter and who I've obviously offended without knowing how + a cute and very unexpected "getting lost in the moment" - episode at 5PM on the dance floor with someone else. But nothing makes a Saturday night complete without falling asleep on the train which made me that I actually missed my station 3 whole times! Got home at 7.30 AM.) This weekend? Göteborg!

And to tell ya the truth, I don't know if I believe in fortune cookies at all and for the most part they aren't even vegan so I wont eat them but you gotta admit - their kinda cute.

This is bullshit, utter and complete bullshit! I'm so sick of feeling sorry for myself. I guess I'm just not meant for winter, so even if I can't change the weather I should be able to change the way I feel about it? Its time to take a Leap of Faith.

To do:
1. Breathe
2. Try to get some sleep
3. Keep up with my projects even if I don't feel like them at the moment
4. Confess - Confide - Forgive - Let go
5. Get rid of "Winter" = Yoga + Larp + Dance
(6. Don't run. Just ask Zhe. Don't hide.)

Chickening our again? No. Its time for me to take a leap of faith. My heart is racing (like fuck...)

Picture: This picture is a gift for Zhe, Happy Birthday! We (me and Zhe) were taking a walk, hand in hand, in my home town of Stockholm in early December. Watching the sunset, talking and looking at all the great street art everywhere + some we had lots of fun urban exploring.

Soundtrack: Sigur Ros - Vor

So I found out that poem, that lovely poem Zhe had written it was indeed about us (and posted on his blogg - in Swedish). Ok. Breathe. But what does it mean? What does it actually say? At the end of the day, to be quite frank, I haven't got a clue. But its nice. And if feels nice to be mentioned, to be someone's mind, to be written about and remembered. It feels... warm I guess is the best way to explain it.

Oh, btw. Zhe is not coming around this weekend. I sorta already knew, time optimist.  But I'm not hurt, I'm not sad. Its ok. I'm still just so happy that Zhe actually wanted to meet up with me. To be completely honest, I'm quite relived. I'm not sure how I would have handled it. Besides, I'm in no condition to be all nice and loving towards anyone at the moment. Uhm, no. Rephrasing. I'm in no condition to be close to someone. Freakin' winter mood. If you haven't experienced the cold - both inside and outside - of Stockholm then uhm, I guess I just wont be able to wrap it into words either. Lets just keep to a simple explanation, a simple one - Winter.

Soundtrack: Yann Tiersen - Lara's Castle

And since I didn't link the soundtrack in the last post I'll give you two versions of the song right here, including the lyrics.
Front Minor - Where dig you go
Holly Brook - Where did you go

Green: I'm so fuckin' pissed of at everyone wearing fur! And I'll leave you with the green homepage of the day. Wanna come and join in the fun and games with me? Its dressing the Olsen twins in fur coats.

Picture of me and Zhe: Sometimes I wonder, Are you really there at all? And if you are, do you wanna see me?

Gosh, how long have I not wanted for you to ask me that exact question? I've longed for you to want me, to ask me, to say you miss me. I don't Even if its only make belive. Pretend. I don't know. Anything. And when you finally asked I suddenly felt so fuckin' scared. I could feel my heart racing, not knowing what I should answer. If I say yes, will my heart get broken all over again? Would I be able to "survive" another merry-go-around?

And as always I've got a (frickin' irritating) thirteen year old little girl with a pink jumper runnin' around inside that confused head of mine, bubble happy;
- "Yes!!! Oh, yes! Yes we'd like to see you! Of course we do.. yes. I've longed for this for so long."

Yet there's a different voice making pretty damn sure I listen to hir, someone being all Gothic deep inside;
- "Do you really belive he's really telling the truth? Do you really think he's gonna make it this time? Are you willing to put your heart on the line again?"

As they keep fighting for my attention I just stand here, stunned, not knowing what to do. My instincts tell me to run. Hide. Duck & Cover. But my heart...

Just seconds after my initial answer of: "Uhm.. gosh. Oh. Yes. I guess." I could hear myself (chattin') answer;

- "Yes! Oh yes! More then anything.... even if its just for a second."
Am I really that desperate? Do I need Zhe to want me cause I feel like I can't even stand myself - winter is upon me. And how could Zhe stand to be around me when I don't want me around this time of year in the first place? He warned me that he was all winter and scared. Once again I could see myself saying even though I probably know not to,(still chatting cause we both know that we'd just break down and cry if we heard each others voices)

- "If you can accept the "Winter version of me" I'll accept yours."

But then again, "its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"?

Zhe wrote an absolutely beautiful poem today. I still wonder what it means though, if my mind is making up stuff just cause I long to hear it?

However, for some strange reason (probably cause I have the nicest couch surfer ever at my house at the moment) I'm all bubble happy on this sunny day at work. Actually liking my jobs and new colleges. So all in all - a good, somewhat confused me is rounding up the post of the day with a smile and a lot of hope for the future.

Soundtrack: Front Minor - Where'd you go
Picture: Random picture of a cool sign I found in Stockholm that sorta reflects my thoughts of what I'm all about at the moment. Cause at the end of the day we're nothing but "now". And right "now"... I'm gonna listen to that thirteen year old girl and I'm gonna follow my heart.

I'd thought I'd keep you a secret, cause all of these years you've been just that - My secret. Something I didn't talk about. Something I chose to forget. But you're not my secret to keep. You're no secret at all. Especially not My secret. Nor anyone else's for that matter. You're you. Ha. Sound so simple. Yet revealing it is so hard.

Duck and Cover! (youtube)

I was interviewed the morning after "Hit the Production" demonstration in Copenhagen - 13th of December 2009. These are my reflections... And me caught on camera! Gosh, I don't know whether to run and hide or smile. Gosh, I just look so exhausted and I'm not used to speaking in front of a camera at all. Talking way to fast, acting all nervous + of course, Mr. n' Mrs. pronunciation and vocabulary kindly waited outside my head to let me make a public fool out of myself. Even better, now I'm posting it on my blog?! Gee, another brilliant idea? One never knows. Well, my own private hall of shame/fame - Here I come.

In previous posts you can read about me getting arrested at "Hit the Production" demonstration,, spend time in on of the Climate Cages, and having the cops use Pepper Spray on us. (COP15, Global Action Day 12 Dec in Copenhagen - Climate Justice Now demonstration,)

Just like the rest of you, ok there are exceptions I must admit, I hate Christmas and have never really gotten the part where you're just spontaneously suppose to be all happy and giving. Uhm, what about the rest of the year? And what is that thing with buying stuff so you don't feel guilty abouty not telling the ones you love that they're important? I don't get it. I really don't. So since a couple of years back, I don't celebrate Christmas. (Yeah, neither Christmas or my birthday!) Which is always some sort of struggle. Cause I can't live in an isolated bubble outside of society however much I even want to do at times - all the Christmas jingles do affect me to. I just chose not to obey them.

I consider my friends as family but at Christmas time they all suddenly get a family, relatives that want to hang out with them as cause they have the same last name/blood line/background they need to spend it together even though most of my friends hate it and would love to just not bother.

Is that it? Is that really it? Karma payback time? Ok, thank you. I got the message. Thank you.

This year has to be some sort of record. I've seen stuff, visited places that I'd never even dreamed of. Meet people who've taught me valuable lessens when I needed them the most. And I guess that includes the once I'd rather been without. The break ups. Cause gosh, there's been heaps. Remember Spikey? It must have been about three break up attempts with him (He being the one going back and forth.). Then the big summer lash out with Cat (I'd been/(am?) in love with hen since January 2008 (?)), nope I'm not over that one yet. And as I got back to Sweden, well... It never got even close to what we had before. We got off on the wrong foot. I still love hen though, heaps. Actually way to much. But its not gonna work. And then Zhe, in and out. Back and forth. Six bloody break up txt's from him!! WFT?! And I took him back, time after time. I caved. But that is defiantly it. I can't take anymore. I don't wanna have my little heart broken once more this year, come on! That's not to much to wish for is it? It's not even two weeks left of 2009? Pretty please? But don't say hi till its over.

And what do I wish for next year? Gosh, anything but Love! I always wish for anything else but love though. But I know I wanna get back on the road again, after summer time is up here in Sweden are my current plans. Hopefully hitting Asia. But heck, my plans always change. So I guess I wish I could stick to this one, cause its gonna take a lot of work and be a real hard one. I've got a mission over there, I need to find out some things about myself that I know I can only do when I'm there. (Don't ask me how I know, I just do).

Happy New Years?! Well, I guess not yet. Its still about two weeks to go.

Green: I'm still to pissed off at this non deal to actually deal. Bullocks!

Nightmare: Yes, more then one but its not as severe anymore. Maybe a 4.5 on the Richter scale.

Soundtrack: Yann Tiersen

Gosh, I wrote this whole post yesterday morning. I was on top of my game, checking out the sunrise and gotten a cute txt from Zhe during the night. And now? I don't know. I feel numb. Covered with snow. Like the one that is falling outside my window.

"I guess I have to confess, I didn't realise how much I've missed this. But gosh, when the entire world is covered in white snow its so beautiful. Its been so long since I've seen actual snow, having summer time last winter - down under in New Zealand. If one doesn't think that seeing the great (but very much melting) fox glacier that is. (or didn't I see the one next to Fox?)


So last night I went out with a mate who'd just gotten back from Denmark and we took out our rage with a sweet snowball fight. Even though it ended up more with us rolling around in the light powder, me getting cowered from top til toe and all wet. Ok, that's it. I really need to get some winter clothes!!


And the snow brought even more goodies =). A friend of mine missed his connection due to our snow covered trains and "had to" spend the night at my place wich resulted in lots of catching up, gosh how I've missed all you sweet ones from Göteborg! Each and everyone has a little piece of my heart. And as I woke up this morning i got to enjoy the winter wonder land of Sweden complete with sunrise and a txt from Zhe (yesterday was once again filled with "Silent treatment") filled with love.


Picture: Taken this morning outside of the office.


Nightmare's: None!!! Yay!! And I've got the snow storm to thank for that - and you of course, sweet Mr. Dreads."


A few hours later everything fell apart again. And now, in the light of day I still don't know what to think or what to do. Well maybe more Kate Bush, more writing and crafting might make my head focus on something else then that huge hole that's right in the middle of my chest. Bullocks, what to do when we're both still in love?

Green: No, seriously!! The non deal that they signed at COP15 yesterday doesn't even seem to be worth the paper its written on. Ha! What happened about nature? The environment? You know, the air you breath and ground you walk upon? Nope. I guess they don't care. The one thing which really puzzles me is how people that are so concentrated on getting children and making a family can totally ignore their grandchildren's future.

Nightmare: Yes, plenty. Chaotic night.

Soundtrack: Even more Kate Bush. Actually first time I really check her out so I've got quite a lot of catching up to do.

"This is so not fair."
A thirteen year old girl is sulking inside me with a pink top on and headphones filled with love songs.
"Its so not fair... How could this happen?"

The goth doesn't have to be asked twice,
"Well, what did you expect? That you were gonna live happily ever after?"

The Pink teenie looks down on her little doodles which mostly consists of hearts and marks a huge cut in one of them, "Well, not for ever but at least for a while? But for gods sake, can't we just be happy together? When we're both still madly in love?" She says and tries to erase the lines that mark that her little heart is broken.

The Goth, kindly for once, replies,
"Yeah, I'm with you there babe. Silly. Still, its my duty as the bad one floating around in her head to put the whole thing down. Besides its real poetic don't you think, having this huge ocean come between two people who do really love each other?"

Pretending to see the ocean and a little candle on the other shore marking her loves whereabouts, the Pink teenie answers,
"So you really think that it would be all peachy if they juts lived on the same island? Nah. If its love, true love, then it doesn't matter where you are or how often you meet each other. And its 2009 (almost 2010) we've got phones, internet and the ever so adorable txt messages. And even though there's this huge ocean its only a three hour boat trip and its still in the same country even."

As I clear my head and try to breath I end up feeling numb. I hate the way Zhe is treating me although I know he really doesn't mean to. Not on purpose. It doesn't matter in the end though, does it? Cause I still end up hurting. Like hell. When I look myself in the mirror, the reflection of how he sees me when we're not together... - I crumble. Is that me? No. I'm sorry. Which always leads to one of two things, either my self consciousness drops down below zero or I try to call Zhe. And in both cases, guess what? I lose. Cause Zhe wont answer, thinking I'm that girl in the mirror and if I am, gosh... Then I really do understand his silence. Hmm, did that make sense to anyone else but me?

And once again, its time. Heck, its been about two or three weeks since the last break up txt? And afterwards he promised ever so dearly never to do that again but to talk to me? But he did. And refused, just like always, to talk to me. At last he finally called however. Gosh, I really don't mean to make him sound like the bad one. We both are, just as always. Just let me finish my little heart broken story and you'll know that I'm very aware of both of our sides (or hope to be). Or rather, no. I wont get into details. Lets just cut the chase, communication break down. Again. As Always.

Sadly, even though we talked for an hour, hos phone went flat and we'd still gotten no where. Well. I know I can't get on that merry-go-around once more. I can't. I'm just gonna end up hurting myself if I do. And he feels the same way. But we both still are very much in love, so what to do? Wait and hope that it will pass? That we'll get over it? Hope that next year will bring better luck? Hope that we'll get back together one sweet day? Frankly, I don't know. Just that I love him. And I wish I didn't, but I do.

So freshly out of the sauna, with massive amounts of love from people everywhere (oh, I'm so forever grateful for all your warm support - you know who you are) I'll listen to one of the songs that was sent to me again, and again before falling asleep.

Picture: Random cute hit on internet.

No more climate topic for the day, I'm way to pissed of at the COP15 atm.

Soundtrack: Kate Bush - This woman's work (Lyrics)



Kate Bush - Lily (Lyrics)

I caved.

Waited for Zhe at the central station. Meditating, promised myself that nah, that was it. We're were gonna hang out, build a friendship. Have a nice day together and part as just friends. But he woke me up with a touch of his hand, sending chills down my spine. I caved. We hugged. I tried so hard to let him go, to let it go. To have a friendship hug but no... He sat down beside me and neither one of us dared to let go or talk for the better part of half an hour. We capitulated.

But what the hell is gonna happen now? When its too good to let go but tearing us apart as soon as we're not together?

Soundtrack: Björk - Unison and the voice of Zhe (Lyrics)

Why does everything have to be so "life and death" all the time? Me and Zhe fought again last night. And everything tumbled and broke down once more. Breaking up txt, fifth in the order. I can't take this anymore. I'm falling apart. Can't handle any more of this shit. That's it. But I stayed in again. Watching Buffy, feeling sorry for myself and canceling the plans I had for the night again. Waiting for that call. Waiting for Zhe to work up the nerve and call me to break up properly. He promised but I'm freshly out of trust.

At midnight the cell finally had "Zhe" written on the display. We both cried for the better part of half an hour before anyone of us could talk at all. Drama queens? You bet. I might have finally found my match, cause gees I know I am one of the worst you'll ever find. He was suppose to come visit me today but he said he wanted to wait for one more day but I seriously couldn't handle anymore waiting around. That's it. I can't take it. Please, pretty please get on that boat tomorrow morning so we can try and patch up the friendship at least. We hung up at 4AM and he headed out for the mainland at 7AM this morning. I managed to sleep for about an hour, nightmares all over the place waking up before the boat left his harbor with the heart in my throat. Is he really gonna come this time?

But its over, we're not getting back together. I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't even recognize me. Got nothing left of me. And no, its not all Zhe's fault. On the contrary. I've made just as many mistakes. I hate being in love. My world goes from the normal state of chaos into some sort of hell dimension. Its always been like that. And here I am again, heart broken. But this time we're both still in love, this time around he's experiencing the same hell as I am - in his sweet little heart.

I can't help wondering if its always gonna be like this, that I'm never gonna be able to handle being in love.

Thirteen year old naive girl in my head:
"No, sweet sweet isobelll. It's not always gonna be like this. In fact it doesn't even have to be like this at all, it doesn't have to be over. You love each other for fucks sake!! Its not fair... its just not fair." She starts our saying and falls into a tantrum screaming at me with tears running down her cheeks.

The Gothic voice, who constantly keeps on changing its sex while talking, calms her down and with a drama queen gesture, lights a candle and says:
"You know its always gonna be like this. You know that you'll never be able to be in any type of love relationship (anarchy or not). You can't handle it. Look at yourself for fuck's sake! You're not worth it anyways and besides, you can't keep exposing people to yourself and the weird little chaos world you're living in. In fact, I don't even understand how you could ever believe it was gonna work out this time around. And the argument of "but he loves me" doesn't exactly make it any better, not knowing if you're only fooling yourself or not, it doesn't give you the right to break his heart."

The pissed of thirteen year old girl turns up the volume of yet another love song to drain out the voices and violins. While I try to silence them both with some hard core dubstep smashing my ears, failing when my fake pod hits random again.

Wish me luck, give me strength. The moment of truth, again. I'm meeting Zhe at noon, first time he visits me too. I wish I'll be able to find that wisemind voice of mine, the one who always gets me on the right path in the end. Where I just know. Where I can't close my eyes and flee. I don't believe in god but if I did, this would be the time for prayer. Ha.

As my fake pod randomly plays a love song I leave my thoughts behind for the time being.
Soundtrack: you'll never guess, Lamb - Gorecki.
Picture: Wharariki - New Zealand - Me

As I've thought it over and over in my little head I've sorta come to the conclusion that either I'll give up the contact completely or I go with Communication is Key. And Kim (the example person in the previous post) who represents a few people in my life, is in one of the cases thankfully finally aware of the severe situation. So once again, Communication is Key. And even though friendships might end I'd rather talk it through and know why, where and when then just mirror the silent treatment. The change has to start within oneself, right?

Either way, with one of the persons giving me the silent treatment I've come up with a crisis plan. If the situation occurs again, we're both responsible for launching or should I say, releasing "Sydney". A non gender, objective third person with the soul purpose to look upon our situation and remind us not to fall into gender status problems, to watch out for the heterosexual norm, not to use domination techniques (härskartekniker in Swedish), that trust is hard to regain once lost and so on. I'm exited and a bit nervous, hopefully we wont need it but if we do, will it work? As we're both used to slipping into characters (we've been larping for years) that issue shouldn't be a problem but seeing stuff objective while being in a state or anger, sadness or power might be a challenge yet to conquer.

Soundtrack: Mistabishi - From Memory
Thx, Auan!!

I've "recently" talked about how much I hate getting "The Silent Treatment" and have since then experienced it over and over again. Today I got so sick of that I asked myself and on Facebook - "wonders, what's an effective cure for "The Silent Treatment"? (When someone simply doesn't talk to you.)" I got heaps, (yeah, wow...!) and heaps of responses (I must say I really do love getting some input, like everyone else I guess. )
But after receiving the first few tips I wasn't sure about what actually was qualified as "The Silent Treatment". To be able to find a cure, I must first make sure that I know the exact definition of the problem, right? So here it goes, taking a random person called Kim (a non gender based name, which I will call hen instead of him/her as an example.) Anyone of these and/or a combination is my own definition, what's your's?:

1. Kim ignores my attempts to contact hen
2. Kim doesn't answer my txt's, mails, telephone calls and so on.
3. after pointing out to Kim that I'd like to have an answer, hen either
   a. says "Yeah, I'll get back to ya...!" and doesn't
   b. doesn't respond at all
   c. says "Oh, its just been such a stressful day, sorry... I'll call (txt, mail) you later" and doesn't
   
4. Kim's "non-answer" becomes and "answer" in itself
5. Kim uses the term "Sorry, its just been so much going on." excuse one to many times
   (How does one define "one to many times"?)
6. makes me feel invisible
7. gives me a bad consciousness cause I'm pressuring hen to answer me
8. gets me to check my mail/phone Way to often for an answer
9. Kim makes me worry like fuck cause hen might be in trouble, knows this but doesn't answer my "are you alive or should I call the hospitals???" txt's/calls
10. makes me feel embarrassed about wanting to have contact

 Here are some of the responses I got, and I do hope you guys wont kill me for quoting you (anonymously) (Some are "marked" cause I for some reason found them to be real important or interesting):

• "Sending an e-mail titled "this probably won't interest you". No one can resist that."
• "Saying "You're a dipshit for not talking to me." Or something? :/"
• "The permanent cure? Steeling oneself, saying "Kk. I'm one of those who're, like, a fan of two-way communication. You're not. Ergo, we're not compatible. Have a good life, since you're apparently not keen on being in mine.""
• "Some people need time to process whatever it is they are dealing with. Some people need a long time. You can't hurry them, you just have to wait until they can talk again. Even though they won't talk now, they might appreciate you reminding them every now and then that you will be there when and if they do want to talk later.
  
  If it is not about ... them needing time, or just being busy – if it is just that they don't want to talk, not now and not ever – then the case is pretty much a lost one. Get other friends. At least it will cure you from worrying about what you cannot change."
  
  
• "Shotgun?"
• "in my experience the difference between the first and second case is that in the first case it's always possible to say "I need to process this but I haven't forgotten you", and if not it defaults to the second case of "I am incapable or disinclined to give you the ten seconds of attention that would confirm to you that I'm not just trying to hurt you." - which incidentally also why my reaction to silent treatment is quite harsh."
  
  Which makes me question myself - what timespan do I have? Really? If I ask myself honestly, I'd say I'm way to impatient especially when it comes to people I care for. However, there's a time limit of 24 hours - after that I can go nuts with a clear consciousness in my humble opinion. 
  
  
• "Tried threats? A simple question asked accompanied by a tool of choice, preferably a baseball bat or a Smith & Wesson at point blank, can do wonders."  
• "They could easily be out there but I never met anyone unable to inform me that I would get no more information for a while, and why. What I _have_ seen is people who can't answer an attempt to communicate because they then feel they should answer all the previous ones also, so there would be no confusion about the status of those. This is especially the case if one such attempt contained accusations or just generally difficult subjects that cannot readily be handled right now." 
• "Sometimes people just are incompatible and that's that."
• There's a whole world of difference between being tolerant & understanding, and putting up with crap. Even the most patient and empathic love must have limits or it becomes destructive. For both parties, actually... .
  Sometimes the best thing you can do, is to tell the other that what they are doing is really not okay. And then leave, unless they change (which they seldom will)
• Are you sure you didn't do something to deserve it? Have you tried writing a real mail, with stamp and all, to explain what you're feeling?
  
  

As I've recently noticed and learnt over and over again in each and everyone of my relationships (I remind you that I'm a relationship anarchist and don't believe in having labels),  

Soundtrack:
Stay Ali - Emotional Day
Special person of the day: 
All you guys who comment my Facebook and/or my blogg - Thank you, your input means a lot to me.

Decided yet? I asked myself again as I walked home from the house squatting in Rinkeby where I've helped out last night. As the date creeps closer I'm drawing a total blank. Feels like its just gonna turn sour no matter what I do. Until I made up a little Top Secret plan just for me. Thanks to the glory of Internet and a few friends (?) its gonna be a sweet as day (don't jinks it!!), with no one knowing why. My Top Secret B-Day. Where nothing can go wrong cause --> no expectations - no regrets.

The thirteen year old girl inside my head is smiling and finally at ease while the sour goth realist says
- "watch out, don't get your hopes up. You'll end up having a shit ass day anyways, just wait and see dear darling. Wait and see... Besides, if its that important to you that no one finds out, why the hell post this on your blog? That you're wanting to keep it a secret? And whats with that anyways? Wanna feel special?"

And at the tender age of 13 she replies somewhat hurt:
- "... na, not special. That's just the point. Nothing special from someone else, nothing at all. If I'm not up to it then no expectations and I can just pretend that there's nothing going on. And its not special anyways, just a day like everyone else in a year. Heck, I'm not celebrating Christmas or well, ok New Years but... Gosh. Just no... Sorry for the accidental opening of my mouth and thoughts."

Goth Realist:
- "Your excused, for now. Ha, just wait and see... You'll know I'm right in the end anyhow."



Soundtrack:
Stay Ali (thanks to Electro Boy for shouting out that they had a gig in Stockholm coming up! Yay!)

Note to self: 
It might not be one of your brightest ideas to put the weird conversations in your head on public display.

Or is it? Is it better to have loved and been loved in return then not love at all like the famous quote from Moulin Rouge? Ha, I should have listened to myself. I should have know better then to fall in love. To let myself go. To trust. To care. Even though it was beautiful at the time I actually can't handle any more shit happening at the moment. So please. Just don't. Ok? Don't leave me.

 Picture: Art Museum in Copenhagen that I visited this summer, can't remember the artist but this one took my breath away. Thank you whoever you are.

The realistic (evil??) voice in my head:
- "Fuck, listen to yourself??! Are you really gonna beg for someone to stay? Has it come to this? Is it really worth it? Wont you lose yourself, the respect and much more?"

Shrugging, I answer:
-" But I can't, I need... No,I can't even say it. I guess two break ups in a month is some sort of record. Even if it hasn't been finalized yet. I'll find out tomorrow I suppose. At the moment I don't even know what I want. Or actually I do. I want us. I want you. I want this."

A little naive stupid thirteen year old girl is whispering into my left ear as I try to clear my head and forget about everything, even just for a minute:
- "So it has come to this? You're giving up? Good on ya? No! don't give up. Don't give up on love even though this might not work out. Besides, if its all about the distance then you sure as hell know how to handle it even if the other person doesn't. And as for prioritizing oneself? Well, yeah. But all the movies, all the music, all the art in the world can't be that wrong, now can it? Love is and will always be an important part of all our lives. And it wont go away, it doesn't matter how hard you try. you'll always fall in love again and you'll always get hurt. Again. That's the way life is. Remember Zen, remember acceptance."

I mutter:
- "pretty please, shout the hell up..."

- "No, I wont. Cause you know that I'm right. you know that the strength you can find in love, falling, bubbling, being loved is not a drug is something else. Something better if you let it be. If you want it to be. Give up this shit about "Alone is Strong" fuck it! You know you'll make it on your own, that's not the point. But letting someone, anyone, even if its "only" a friend love you and let you get inspired, feel something is what its all about."

So I close my eyes and reply:
- "No, I refuse to believe that. Besides. The other person doesn't believe it so why should I? And why should I care at all? I guess I'll find out tomorrow"

And the realist in me resides with a rather confident voice:

- "Told you so, didn't I? You knew it was to good to be true."

Scared of opening my eyes:
- "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. And I'm so sorry for messing thins up, for letting my chaotic life get that beautiful person into trouble. I'm so sorry."

I'll find out tomorrow. But before I hit the publish button I should think for a few more hours. This might actually be over the top, this might actually be way way to private. Not only for the person involved but for me. And for the record, I don't "hear" voices inside my head. Or let me rephrase, we all do. Fuck it all aye? I absolutely hate wintertime. Did I mention that?

Soundtrack: Explosions in the Sky, Tool, A Perfect Circle.
I'll leave it up to you to check them out this time.

So I hit the publish button anyways.