Whats the definition of "The Silent Treatment"?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I've "recently" talked about how much I hate getting "The Silent Treatment" and have since then experienced it over and over again. Today I got so sick of that I asked myself and on Facebook - "wonders, what's an effective cure for "The Silent Treatment"? (When someone simply doesn't talk to you.)" I got heaps, (yeah, wow...!) and heaps of responses (I must say I really do love getting some input, like everyone else I guess. )

But after receiving the first few tips I wasn't sure about what actually was qualified as "The Silent Treatment". To be able to find a cure, I must first make sure that I know the exact definition of the problem, right? So here it goes, taking a random person called Kim (a non gender based name, which I will call hen instead of him/her as an example.) Anyone of these and/or a combination is my own definition, what's your's?:

  1. Kim ignores my attempts to contact hen
  2. Kim doesn't answer my txt's, mails, telephone calls and so on.
  3. after pointing out to Kim that I'd like to have an answer, hen either
    a. says "Yeah, I'll get back to ya...!" and doesn't
    b. doesn't respond at all
    c. says "Oh, its just been such a stressful day, sorry... I'll call (txt, mail) you later" and doesn't
  4. Kim's "non-answer" becomes and "answer" in itself
  5. Kim uses the term "Sorry, its just been so much going on." excuse one to many times
    (How does one define "one to many times"?)
  6. makes me feel invisible
  7. gives me a bad consciousness cause I'm pressuring hen to answer me
  8. gets me to check my mail/phone Way to often for an answer
  9. Kim makes me worry like fuck cause hen might be in trouble, knows this but doesn't answer my "are you alive or should I call the hospitals???" txt's/calls
  10. makes me feel embarrassed about wanting to have contact

 Here are some of the responses I got, and I do hope you guys wont kill me for quoting you (anonymously) (Some are "marked" cause I for some reason found them to be real important or interesting):

  • "Sending an e-mail titled "this probably won't interest you". No one can resist that."
  • "Saying "You're a dipshit for not talking to me." Or something? :/"
  • "The permanent cure? Steeling oneself, saying "Kk. I'm one of those who're, like, a fan of two-way communication. You're not. Ergo, we're not compatible. Have a good life, since you're apparently not keen on being in mine.""
  • "Some people need time to process whatever it is they are dealing with. Some people need a long time. You can't hurry them, you just have to wait until they can talk again. Even though they won't talk now, they might appreciate you reminding them every now and then that you will be there when and if they do want to talk later.

    If it is not about ... them needing time, or just being busy – if it is just that they don't want to talk, not now and not ever – then the case is pretty much a lost one. Get other friends. At least it will cure you from worrying about what you cannot change."

  • "Shotgun?"
  • "in my experience the difference between the first and second case is that in the first case it's always possible to say "I need to process this but I haven't forgotten you", and if not it defaults to the second case of "I am incapable or disinclined to give you the ten seconds of attention that would confirm to you that I'm not just trying to hurt you." - which incidentally also why my reaction to silent treatment is quite harsh."

    Which makes me question myself - what timespan do I have? Really? If I ask myself honestly, I'd say I'm way to impatient especially when it comes to people I care for. However, there's a time limit of 24 hours - after that I can go nuts with a clear consciousness in my humble opinion. 

  • "Tried threats? A simple question asked accompanied by a tool of choice, preferably a baseball bat or a Smith & Wesson at point blank, can do wonders."  
  • "They could easily be out there but I never met anyone unable to inform me that I would get no more information for a while, and why. What I _have_ seen is people who can't answer an attempt to communicate because they then feel they should answer all the previous ones also, so there would be no confusion about the status of those. This is especially the case if one such attempt contained accusations or just generally difficult subjects that cannot readily be handled right now." 
  • "Sometimes people just are incompatible and that's that."
  • There's a whole world of difference between being tolerant & understanding, and putting up with crap. Even the most patient and empathic love must have limits or it becomes destructive. For both parties, actually... .
    Sometimes the best thing you can do, is to tell the other that what they are doing is really not okay. And then leave, unless they change (which they seldom will)
  • Are you sure you didn't do something to deserve it? Have you tried writing a real mail, with stamp and all, to explain what you're feeling?

As I've recently noticed and learnt over and over again in each and everyone of my relationships (I remind you that I'm a relationship anarchist and don't believe in having labels),  

Communication Is Key

But the questions keep on popin' up in my head. Am I to impatient? Is Kim ignoring me cause hen simply doesn't want to have contact/as much contact as I do but is to shy to tell me? Is it just me not getting it through my thick skull that hen doesn't wanna have contact? Am I to needy? Where's the line between accepting hens reality/time since last contact definition/stressful day and denying my own needs? Are my own needs acceptable? Have I done something to deserve it and how can I correct it without walking all over the other person? Is there a gender/power aspect of it all? I as a biological at least, woman, am getting the silent treatment quite a lot. Are biological men having the same problem? Or is it a status question?


And of course the ever lasting, "Heck, I'm not to good myself!". Which I'm not afraid to admit, I'm terrible at answering mails for example. They hang out in my inbox for up to months at a time, unopened or marked as unread again. However, I rarely miss a txt or phone call - just when I'm having one of those really busy days or am feeling horribly low/am sick. I'm actually trying to teach myself to Not answer txt's as soon as they beep my cell to get a more balanced "communication speed".

So at the end of the day, literary, I'm non the wiser and still experiencing that horrible silent treatment. Fuck.

Soundtrack:
Stay Ali - Emotional Day
Special person of the day: 
All you guys who comment my Facebook and/or my blogg - Thank you, your input means a lot to me.
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