isobelll - with 3 l

I just wanna grab my stuff and go, had enough of this shit winter already and its just about to start. And I would if I only could. If I only knew where to go, what to do. Feeling that endless road under my feet again scares the shit out of me at the moment, just as much as knowing I'll be stuck here all winter. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.

Started looking for schools again, thought that might be the answer. Thought I might need to finish that degree and then I'll know what I was suppose to do with my life. But I woke up this morning, at 6.30 AM with chills running down my spine. Even if I did get in, even if I finished that damned bachelors degree in sculpture well, so what? There are no jobs anyways and I don't even know if I Can or Wanna work in the art industry at all. So why bother? And I can't seam to sit still in one location for more then a few months. I've been in Sweden for well, I don't know. More or less since July I guess. Got this room and have been mostly in Stockholm since the 1 of September. Two months later I still love my flat mates, they're awesome. Love the apartment, Stockholm and my room but it feels like I need to run again. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.

And a weekend here, a weekend there to just get away? To make that feeling of entrapment ease up a bit? Oh, well. I don't know. Panicked last night, just the thought of having to stick around here. Having no goal, nothing to do or nothing to look forward to freaked me out like shit. Applied for about 15 jobs that I probably wont get anyways cause I'm not qualified enough. Ha, you have to have work experience to get work and well... I don't. I've been studying. And oh, did I mention I've been studying Art? Which basically means I wont get a job anyways. And I'm not looking to build a career, shit I wouldn't even know where to start or what I would wanna do. Even for 6 months at a time. So I approached the problem from a different point of view, I applied for every job I could find that wouldn't immediately make me run and hide. Anything that could get that coin comin' in again. Don't know where to go when I've saved it up again. No goal but at least an escape plan. Even though it looks like I'll be stuck here until next August. And as I've already mentioned - I'm not strong enough to hit the road for real now anyways. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.

Soundtrack: Radiohead - Creep (which was the first song of the day my own radio wanted to play for me)


Person of the Day: Vexillum - who didn't ask questions and was a great late night film company.
Oh, and you guessed it right. Once again, "Dancer in the Dark". I think it must be the third time in about six weeks now. Favorite movie though, but still. I know every line, I've seen it more then ten times total. And I know that each time I'll find something new to fall in love with and a new place to cry.

Picture: Christchurch, New Zealand. A sculpture I found in a fountain in the botanic gardens which I absolutely loved.