isobelll - with 3 l

Gosh, I don't even know where to begin. Its all over between me and Cat. We've been trying all summer long but after "breaking up" again and again it finally ended last week. (The quote marks mean that we're both relationship anarchists) I knew it would come. And I guess it was a sorta mutual decision even if I was crying all the way. The Silent Treatment made me cave and realize that it just couldn't go on like this. We were only hurting one another, real bad. Never the less, as that dreadful day came where I just knew what was gonna happen I still didn't wanna do it. As we strolled along the path to the same spot Cat had taken me about one and a half years ago, I could feel the wasteland that grown and somehow fitted between us as we walked side by side. But this time it wasn't a nice and bubbly experience walking down to that old mansion by the water, this time Cat took me there to break up. Or we broke up I guess I should say.

I think we must have walked and talked for almost two hours, almost beginning to fight a couple of times, confessing everything bad that had happened. Why we both felt let down and hurt. Why we weren't able to solve the problems earlier and so on. I couldn't stop my tears from falling. And at the very end, when Cat had to run of to a meeting I just said something like "say hi from me to the others" turned around and took some of the hardest steps of my life. Maybe it was me imagining things but I could feel Cat's eyes upon me, wanting to say something but knowing nothing would help now. I think I must have sat on that bench, that I found at a near by lake, for quite a while - not being able to stop crying. As I finally pulled myself together I was frozen through and through. I know we can't be friends at the moment but oh how I do miss you in my life, Cat. I'm grateful for everything that you taught me, helped me with and for letting me love you. I guess I always will.



As I got home I took all the stuff that immediately reminded me of cat and locked them away, I put all our sweet photos and put them in a map called "X - don't look at this" on my computer. I untagged our kissing pics on Facebook and realized that however hard I'd try I didn't wanna eliminate our past from my life at all. But for now, I have to. Just for now. Just a tad wee while. I hope that one day we can find our way back to a sweet friendship.

And at the very end, without being able to blame anyone for what happened (cause there none, no isolated events, just a long complex process and more misunderstandings, letting down's and hurting one another's then just about anyone can handle) there's just one thing left to say; I'm sorry, Cat.