So I found out that poem, that lovely poem Zhe had written it was indeed about us (and posted on his blogg - in Swedish). Ok. Breathe. But what does it mean? What does it actually say? At the end of the day, to be quite frank, I haven't got a clue. But its nice. And if feels nice to be mentioned, to be someone's mind, to be written about and remembered. It feels... warm I guess is the best way to explain it.
Oh, btw. Zhe is not coming around this weekend. I sorta already knew, time optimist. But I'm not hurt, I'm not sad. Its ok. I'm still just so happy that Zhe actually wanted to meet up with me. To be completely honest, I'm quite relived. I'm not sure how I would have handled it. Besides, I'm in no condition to be all nice and loving towards anyone at the moment. Uhm, no. Rephrasing. I'm in no condition to be close to someone. Freakin' winter mood. If you haven't experienced the cold - both inside and outside - of Stockholm then uhm, I guess I just wont be able to wrap it into words either. Lets just keep to a simple explanation, a simple one - Winter.
Soundtrack:
Yann Tiersen - Lara's Castle
And since I didn't link the soundtrack in the last post I'll give you two versions of the song right here, including the lyrics.
Front Minor - Where dig you go
Holly Brook - Where did you go
Green: I'm so fuckin' pissed of at everyone wearing fur! And I'll leave you with the green homepage of the day.
Wanna come and join in the fun and games with me? Its dressing the Olsen twins in fur coats.
Picture of me and Zhe: Sometimes I wonder, Are you really there at all? And if you are, do you wanna see me?
Gosh, how long have I not wanted for you to ask me that exact question? I've longed for you to want me, to ask me, to say you miss me. I don't Even if its only make belive. Pretend. I don't know. Anything. And when you finally asked I suddenly felt so fuckin' scared. I could feel my heart racing, not knowing what I should answer. If I say yes, will my heart get broken all over again? Would I be able to "survive" another merry-go-around?
And as always I've got a (frickin' irritating) thirteen year old little girl with a pink jumper runnin' around inside that confused head of mine, bubble happy;
- "Yes!!! Oh, yes! Yes we'd like to see you! Of course we do.. yes. I've longed for this for so long."
Yet there's a different voice making pretty damn sure I listen to hir, someone being all Gothic deep inside;
- "Do you really belive he's really telling the truth? Do you really think he's gonna make it this time? Are you willing to put your heart on the line again?"
As they keep fighting for my attention I just stand here, stunned, not knowing what to do. My instincts tell me to run. Hide. Duck & Cover. But my heart...
Just seconds after my initial answer of: "Uhm.. gosh. Oh. Yes. I guess." I could hear myself (chattin') answer;
- "Yes! Oh yes! More then anything.... even if its just for a second."
Am I really that desperate? Do I need Zhe to want me cause I feel like I can't even stand myself - winter is upon me. And how could Zhe stand to be around me when I don't want me around this time of year in the first place? He warned me that he was all winter and scared. Once again I could see myself saying even though I probably know not to,(still chatting cause we both know that we'd just break down and cry if we heard each others voices)
- "If you can accept the "Winter version of me" I'll accept yours."
But then again, "its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"?
Zhe wrote an absolutely beautiful poem today. I still wonder what it means though, if my mind is making up stuff just cause I long to hear it?
However, for some strange reason (probably cause I have the nicest couch surfer ever at my house at the moment) I'm all bubble happy on this sunny day at work. Actually liking my jobs and new colleges. So all in all - a good, somewhat confused me is rounding up the post of the day with a smile and a lot of hope for the future.
Soundtrack: Front Minor - Where'd you go
Picture: Random picture of a cool sign I found in Stockholm that sorta reflects my thoughts of what I'm all about at the moment. Cause at the end of the day we're nothing but "now". And right "now"... I'm gonna listen to that thirteen year old girl and I'm gonna follow my heart.
I knew that this years valentine was gonna be a hard one (just as they always are?) so I prepared myself by (way in advance) asking a good friend of mine if he wanted to be my (friend) valentine and he agreed. To make things clear - I don't actually believe in Valentines day but it sorta gets to me anyhow. Even though I know its all a big consumption conspiracy thing.
Anyway, we ended up at a friends house, his brothers to be specific, the 14th of February. The dreaded day. Sigh. Getting quite drunk. Which in this case was both a blessing and maybe, just maybe, not the most brilliant moment of my life. Each time the guys went out to take a smoke I ended up on Facebook looking though all of my old pics with me and Zhe being all happy. Gah! No! Bad idea. Is Zhe still thinking of me at all? Am I being to honest again? Reviling? Maybe. Private blogging och Pulic display.
Ha, here I go again. I miss "us" so bad. Still. So I made the huge mistake of writing Zhe (the one I really wanted to ask in the first place),
"I know I shouldn't ask but I'm going to anyways - will you be my valentine?".
My Secret Valentine. I even attached a this picture of an Relationship Anarchy heart that I'd stitched for Zhe but haven't finished yet. For obvious reasons. Yes. Embarrassing. I know. But now for the worst part. Realising what I was about to do I cancelled the email before it got sent, or at least I think I did. Drunk and fumbling. Nervous. I haven't got a clue if it actually was sent at all, if I managed to stop it or if Zhe has had this quite desperate little message of love in that inbox without replying for all this time. Woah! And my inner thirteen year old girl is about go to nuts. Not knowing. Wanting to know. Wanting to hide. But more then anything, wanting attention. My secret valentine managed to be secret even to me.
Never ending story? Gee, I don't know. Sure feels like it.
I'd thought I'd keep you a secret, cause all of these years you've been just that - My secret. Something I didn't talk about. Something I chose to forget. But you're not my secret to keep. You're no secret at all. Especially not My secret. Nor anyone else's for that matter. You're you. Ha. Sound so simple. Yet revealing it is so hard.
February is he worst month of the year. Not only is it winter, dark, has the all consuming guilt tripping day "Valentine" in it, its also home to an anniversary I'm about to revile. Its been ten years now, today. And I'd like to say "I remember it as yesterday" but I don't. I've tried to forget but you're something I can't deny. Just as so many others before me I spent years blaming myself for what happened. But I know that... Actually I don't. I've got no clue of why you did it. Why you left us.
Going back in time, specifically 2 weeks and 10 years back in time. I was at a Kendo or Naginata lesson and you were there, hanging out. Watching. Wanting to participate. I said "sure, come along next time." And even though you lived in the complete opposite of town you followed me home, said that you liked me and I... I said I though that you were sweet but I did't "like you". I think I must have tried so hard to extinguish this part of the story, so hard, cause its all "milky" and almost to faint to grasp a hold of at all. However I do remember not being able to stop thinking about you and saying to myself that the next time you'd call, I'd say that I'd like you too. But you never did call me again.
2 weeks later I was roleplaying with a couple of friends in your part of town, wondering where you were. We heard a noise coming from the front door but didn't bother to check it. But as I was about to leave we found a book that you'd borrowed a couple of weeks before, in the hallway. You'd pushed it through the mailbox and left if three for us to find. I remember us running out into the streets, with only socks on our feet trying to find you but it was already to late. As I went home the subway was our of order and I took the bus. But I kept on having a bad feeling, that something was wrong, so I turned around and went back. Praying to whoever would listen to me that my suspicions were all wrong.
My friends said that they'd seen the firemen and ambulance at the subway station talking to each other. "Did you get all the pieces?". I prayed so hard I could swap places with you, so hard. That if it was true, that if you'd done the unspeakable in that tunnel that I'd be able to trade places with you.
A couple of hours later we went over to your house, talked to your mother and I walked into your room. "He was just taking the trash out and having an evening walk." she said. I remember your bright 70tees yellow flower wallpaper in that tiny room. I remember your mum showing me a piece of paper on your desk, saying where and when you were meeting me 2 weeks prior. And the question on everyone's mind is why? I still don't know. You were very depressed. Had some heavy medication going on which the doctors, years later, found out made one suicidal. Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe me saying no and waiting to long to take it back had something to do with it.
You smoked Lucky Strike. They found a package of it lying next to you in the tunnel. Next to your head I imagine. You're decapitated head. Cause you didn't jump in front of the train, no. You wandered into the tunnel. Took your belongings out, placed them neatly beside the rail. And made sure that you were in the perfect position before the train came. Decapitated. For some strange reason, I always admired that about you. Your determination. You knew what you wanted to do. And you did it. Even though I never understood fully why, you made perfectly clear to everyone else that this was not just a spring of the moment thing. Sometimes I still wish I could have swapped places with you, secretly. Just as I keep you a secret for all of these years. But as the blizzard keeps on hitting the world outside of my window I decide to reveal my secret. You.
And as far as suicide goes, whether or not its a decision which one is allowed to make completely on ones own, I'll leave it - the topic - without any more comments for now.
R.I.P. Ulf Hedsten. 05/07 1981 - 20/02 2000 I'll never forget you.
Song of the day: Queen - the show must go on
Picture: I painted a picture of you, shortly after you left us.
Total. Got lots of topics but can't seem to get it down in print. Or in clear - for others - coherent thoughts. So I'll leave with a quick status update instead cause just as always, a lot has happened.
Heart: Broken. Nothing new. Everything New. Think I might have pissed of Zhe the other day. Want to be able not to care but I do. Even though I know better then to say "I'm sorry" I kinda sent hin a mail like that today, hmm. Wonder if Zhe will reply though.
Job: Haven't got one. Got two!! Starting tomorrow I'm gonna be taking calls and answering emails on a regular basis at a company sorta close by. Ok job and hopefully a nice team of people to hang out with at lunch time. They seemed sweet enough anyways. And I also got a job as a guide which means I have to take classes until I start working in May. Sure thing. I must admit, I'm a bit worried though. Going from unemployed 'n free to 6 1/2 days work per week (seems to be the case at the moment). Puh. But the best part is - both are in German/English/Swedish all at once. Yay!
Winter: Sucks.
Soundtrack: German streaming web radio. Trying to get in to a German frame of mind.
Picture: of my newest add to the tattoo family. I never could tell left from right and I've been thinking of getting a tattoo that will sorta always tell me which one's which. And I finally got it.
Usually my thinking process and design takes ages but on the bus to my dear beloved friend (since -98 we realised) who's alo my tattooist, I had a sudden flash of brilliance and decided then and there that I was gonna get it. Three small red dots on my left wrist. (Yes, Inspired by Christiania - the Anarchistic part of Copenhagen, Denmark but not the logo.^^ ) Left (Socialist). Anarchia. Fight.
I never got the whole "have a green and a red glove". However I'm very well aware of politics and in Sweden the right parties are blue and the ones on the left side are... guess what? Red. (I'm green red black I should add.)
And another Element to my list, Fire. (I've already got water, spirit and earth. Air is missing but to be honest, my logical side is missing too. (air often stands for logic and in my opinion also Wise Mind.)
