isobelll - with 3 l

I MISS YOU! I wanna go back! I wanna go back in you're lovin arms and spend maybe not the rest of my life there but a considered amount. Right there.. At knutpunkt. With Knutpunkt. With you all. And I can't really seem to shake the feeling of "this is a dream... this ain't real". I guess I'm not a fan of reality.

Thank you: To all of those who've directed me, played with me, danced, smiled, cried and loved. Thanks to all of them who attended both a week in and during knutpunkt. To all the beautiful people I got to host during the week and to those I got to find homes for. To all of those who I consider friends even though we just meet this one time per year. You all know who you are. Missin' ya heaps.

And how could I forget, "you're always mockin' me...!" - Me in a heavy mixture of kiwi and British accent. I missed you the second I noticed I could open my mouth and talk without you making fun of me. Sucks heaps.

Question/my own quote of the day:

Hoping for another tomorrow where dreams come true, will you be there waiting for me?

And I'm not suppose to blogg but to work on my project but what the hell aye? I need to get this out of my system.

So as you might have noticed, Zhe is out of my life. Gone. And yet again, I wont get into the details. Its still to vivid. To emotional. Still to hurtful. That someone's silence could kill a love like that is, huh, no. I'm not gonna do this. Not now.

However I've probably had the perfect rebound just a few weeks ago, a friend of mine who's sweet but not to sweet. Who I wont fall for but is "nice enough" to date. The fact that hir became a instant vegetarian while watching "Eartlings" with me, knows heaps if philosophy and has that London accent is probably the reasons why I liked hir in the first place. And just as we were sorta going "uhm, so what is this shit between us?" London (which is the rebounds nick name cause of the heavy London accent) fell in love with someone else and decided - which seems to be the theme for a lot of people - that "hey, I'm not a relationship anarchist when I have a real relationship". Haha! you wish. But I got out before getting any bubble stomach feelings. Puh. And we're still friends. But of course we'll probably not hang out as much anymore cause as soon as someone gets a "real relationship" (Gah, I hate it when they call it that) people tend to disappear. Btw, this is a dare. What do you say, London?

I guess I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and concentrating on my job plus of course Knutpunk.se which is on including "A week in Stockholm". This means that I've got up to 8 (!!) friends from all over, mostly German and Danish, at my place. Woho! Lovin' it.

Spring is finally here. I can feel it in the air. But there is something missing. I've said all winter long that "when spring finally comes, our feelings will thaw as the world thaws too." And they have. Not just to one person but to... the world? The feeling of being in love hits me several times per day or its more in the background without me being able to shout it down, but I've got no one on the receiving end which is sorta weird. But I guess for the better. I can focus my energy on other stuff. Such as Knutpunkt an larping.

Randomly spontaneously flirted with a cutie on the train yesterday though. Which is so not like me. Ok, people say I flirt all the time - even when I don't mean to. This thing started with me just being way to stubborn and feminist to look down when our eyes meet. And after a couple of cute winks, a few minutes "pretending to stare outside the window while looking at one another through the reflections" and a starring "contest" hir came over go chat.

"So what are you up to tonight?" 

and I answered,
"actually, I'm going out with a bunch of larpers to celebrate. You know what a larp is?"

And guess what, hir knew. We parted with a hug, not exchanging phone numbers but leaving with a smile. Everything that's required for a boost of self-esteem. Thank you. Whoever you are. Maybe we'll meet again, maybe we wont. However, I wish hir luck on grandma's funeral. And you're performance. Sending some thoughts your way, just so you know.

Note to self: Self-esteem doesn't come from someone else but from yourself. I don't have to tell you that, just wanted to clarify it once more.

Soundtrack: Yann Tiersen

Picture: Tussilago - one of our famous spring flowers.

I admit it, I've been having a slight addiction to Fortune cookies - the ones on the web - for quite a while now and love the irrational thoughts they randomly throw at you. And a lot of them do actually make me think. But I guess a lot of things make me "think" at the moment, all the while I'm trying hard to take action and letting go of things that simply aren't good for me.

The weekend before last I was at Prolog (http://lajvkonvent.se) which is a larp convention (and in this post I wont even get into what larp is, I think I've tried to explain it quite a few times already, there's always wiki if you've got no idea at all). Anyhow, I went to several larps but this one really got to me.

The game was about a bunch of friends who shared a flat together and their life. To summon it up in; The 70-tees, Free love, one monogamous couple and lots of hippies. The game in it self was brilliant and the new meta techniques were awesome but the best of all was the warm feeling I had (and still have) in my tummy of how it was (is?) to truely be loved and respected by your friends and partners. And even though I was just playing a character some of it stuck with me. The love. Oh, wow... I needed that love.

It made me see who my true friends are. And even though we might not talk to each other every day, we'll always be there for one another. The conclusion? I'm still working on it but dancing all Saturday night sure as hell helped. It always does. (Inc a cute girl I've been dating on and off this winter and who I've obviously offended without knowing how + a cute and very unexpected "getting lost in the moment" - episode at 5PM on the dance floor with someone else. But nothing makes a Saturday night complete without falling asleep on the train which made me that I actually missed my station 3 whole times! Got home at 7.30 AM.) This weekend? Göteborg!

And to tell ya the truth, I don't know if I believe in fortune cookies at all and for the most part they aren't even vegan so I wont eat them but you gotta admit - their kinda cute.

I'm done! I did it! In the total amount of 8 funckin' painful hours, divided into 5 sessions I finally finished it! And here is the result. My beloved tree. Posted n' all, just as I promised.

Soundtrack: Romeo and Juliet Op. 64, Act I: Introduction Spotify, I know but that's my soundtrack for the night.
Pictures: of me straitly after my tattoo finally was all done. Or I hope it is!!
Heart: Uhm, the "leap of faith" thing seemed to work? Or did it? No idea. However, I was brave enough to admit stuff. Good on ya.

Now: Sleep deprived, writing and packing up while my laundry was nicknacked by the evil time look and preparing myself for Prolog this weekend (tomorrow morning). A Swedish Larp convention. Yay! And I'm extremely nervous - organising one of the events, I'm writing a larp. Woah. "Christmas - 01" (2001) was my first and last one so I thought to myself, its about time. Behold. "Past. Present. Future." Here I come!

(Prolog - www.lajvkonventet.se)

ps. you're on my mind. ds.

I've always thought that there had to be guardian angels out there, friends who'd never ever let you down but I realised last week that that's not the case at all. No one let me down but after coming back from the larp "Våra Drömmars Stad" I started to analyse the scene that had meant the most to me and why it was so hard to let go. My character had gotten herself in a real bad situation and another one was trying to help her, which was rather impossible both in physical and emotional sense of the word. But then the person said, "How do you know I'm not your guardian angel?". And my world came to a complete stand still. Both in-game and as I later realised, off-game.

As I got back home I wrote it all down and found out why it'd been so hard to accept. As I preciously said, I've always believed in Guardian Angels but just as my character couldn't be saved I can't be "saved" by someone/something else then myself. No one out there, no matter how much they mean to me or I to them can step up and carry my troubles. As the larp ended and my character "lost" his Guardian Angel simply cause the game ended, I too lost mine. Knowing that there are none. And also seeing another aspect of Relationship Anarchy.

In "normal" relationships you're (almost) always meant to be the other one's Guardian Angel, saviour and complete partner. Something that can't be demanded of anyone. You're always responsible for your own actions, of course, but as we're always made to believe in media - "someone will always catch me when I fall". (Like in one of the most moving moments in my favorite movie "Dancer in the Dark" with Björk, by Lars von Trier. The song is called "In the musicals"). So I'm sorry for everything I've demanded of the people who have been closest to me at the time, I'm sorry for asking of you to "save" me although you never even had the power to to what I begged you for. We're all in this alone. And this I say with a "wise mind voice". We can listen to people, visit places, get to know animals but we can never demand of them to take care of everything. And the most important thing, a so called partner can never be held responsible for you mistakes/troubles/problems.

Now I just have to keep reminding myself that media is once again wrong about stuff. Just as they are wrong about consuming more makes us happy, war isn't to bad if its far away and meat is everyone's right cause we should kill animals for food and marriage is the goal of everyone's life. Ok, now I might be a bit harsh but Media isn't all to kind to the one's who've seen behind the curtains.

(The Picture is taken in the middle of Stockholm where I found a little angel flying about and doing its business.)

There are no Guardian Angels.

Soundtrack: Mint Royale - See you in the morning.
Today's thanks goes to Kazai, for always trying. Love ya!

Went to another larp last weekend, "Våra Drömmars Stad". This time set in "1800-1900" sentry, sorta. Had a good group and stuff but the larp actually sucked. Big time. Got a couple of good scenes but nah, really. I thought I was going to "thriller" type story based larp with sound and video effects. I ended up on a larp with way to expensive clothes (not on me) which made everyone scared of actually moving around in them and it turned out to be some sort of British "Murder theory" but without the murder(?). Finding, receiving and talking to people about the clues you'd gathered. A Game. Uhm, did I mention that I'm actually registered as the worst riddle "sovler" on the continent at this present time?

So the rest of the life? Well, Autumn is here. And my panic with it. Still kinda silent but coming. Trying to keep my focus, trying to keep busy (which isn't a problem for me as most of you all know) and getting quite creative which is great.

Still finding the need to stay in Sweden or rather to stay put, sit still and think. I've never known what I want to do but last January I decided I wanted to study art full time and move to New Zealand. Finally I had this great plan but as all planes they never turn out as you thought. I've got no regrets, It was absolutely the best thing I've ever done. And even though school wasn't up to my expectations I had a swell time travelling and getting to know my self.

Recap:
July 2007, I stated studying art in Stockholm
January 2008, I decide to move to New Zealand
July 2008, I move to NZ and begin my new school
October 2008, I realise that I'm not going to come back to school next term.
November 2008, The road is my home
September 2009, Stockholm is my home.

Picture of me on the road.








I've been on the road more or less for a year. Or more. After realising that art school over there wasn't as good as I hoped I thought that I would find out what I wanted to do with my life by travelling. And I sotra did. I want to do more, see more, be creative, move around, love and work with nature, animals and art. I've got a real addiction to Larp which can't be found (in the way that I like them) in any other place but Sweden. I also found out that I needed to be around my friends. As corny as it sound. Gah, I missed everyone heaps. And I'm not really keen on missing them so soon again. I need to stay put, even though I'm always travelling in my heart and all around Sweden I need to try and find out what I want to do with my life. I know I want to study art - but not at the moment.

I know I've talked about it over and over again, its just that I really don't know. In the same way as I really don't know about this thing called sex. I've always loved it, no matter what gender or style but now... No. I know I've always loved to be with girls and "the people who don't define their gender" (in lack for better description). But men? Well, I haven't had a problem before. Or I had with the macho manly men. And its gotten worse.

At the moment I've gotten over my last big summer crush and in true "isobelll style" gotten right back on the horse and am having all these bubbles for someone else. Of course someone that I hardly know. But now for the scary parts starts, its a he and he seams to like me back. Fuck!! I'm not good with all of that shit anymore. As I said, we hardly know each other (and OH, I'm as always getting way to personal? Sorry) but we're texting and getting real cute. He doesn't live around here which is great, I can live my life just as always. But then there is the "I'm missing him!" part which sucks. Like I'm always missing people all around the globe. Sigh. Note to self: By travelling a lot and larping you'll get friends all over, if you find this "missing thing" hard then you might think about stop travelling - Ha, like that's ever going to happen!!

So once again I'm confronted with the two things that scare me most of all. Its a guy and he (well, that's what I think at least - gathered from the texting ) sorta likes me back (or is he just atracted (here my bad selfconfidens raises her voice in a foul and bad manner and starts to whisper lots of thing that I wont tell here and will try to inore all togeher)). Which is all nice and good but it means, you guessed it, sex. Cause of the simple fact, it seams like, that we're both adultes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm really attracted to him and wow I'd love to have sex but does the dick really have to be a part of it? (As I complained about all this shit to my brother last night he went and grabbed the sissors, "This might solve the problem?").

This has been my main theme for the last 6 months - no dicks. I've failed over and over again but every time I'm in a quite foul mood for the next coulple of days. So seriously, no dicks. At least until I figure out what's wrong, or if you'd like me to rephrase, what's right. Now comes the issue of telling to him, that I'd love to have a cute flirt (or whatever happens) but no sex which is scary. And for once realising that it wont do with, "I'll make up an excuse at the last moment", "It wont be all that bad will it?", "But I am really attracted?", "I am real horny though, that should mean that I actually do want it?", "oh well, I don't want to disappoint him. Just get it over with." I know all about the classic saying "if he likes me it wont matter", "I don't need to spread my legs for someone to like me and if its only that then I can just as well do without." But grr, the bubbles and wanting to be the subject of bubbles in tummy back feelings are still very much all to real. Well, I should just stop thinking, be honest and let the weekend to all the work cause we're all meeting up on Gotland for the "Night of Culture". Yay! A sorta reunion of the summer time medieval week at the flat with sauna, party, friends (some old ones and a lot of newcomes) and the highlight will be seeing a scary movie in one of the old church ruins at night. Freezing Cold!!! And I don't know what I'm more scared about, the movie, the cold or (I do really hope) him - warming me, holding my hand.

Bubbles. Scared. Confused. Chaos? Well, thats me. Always in some state of chaos but at least I'm smiling this time. (And blushing.) Shit, he might read this. Uhm, no good idea of publishing or just the right thing to do? Uhm, fuck. Well, its to late now? Shit, shit, shit. Scared way beond the point of ok and all bundled up in a teenie crush. But maybe I'll just see him and realise that its been all in my head? Bubbles simply cause I "felt like" having bubbles? Hitting the Publish button before I can change my mind.

Music: Lamb - Lusty and Lykke Li - Little bit.

Ha, but what's real? Not a lot in my life. Not according to real people with real jobs. But what the fuck, I'm back on top of my game. I just got a room! Yay me! Fuck yeah! Got a lot of larps, travelling and projects to keep a close eye on within the near future. Going to Göteborg on Thursday for a sweet reunion with the "White Trash gang" and so on.

So I got a room, I got a sorta job or I got enough money to pa my bills and eat, I've got heaps to do and my horrible crush is finally letting me go. (I was the one having the crush, hate it when that happens.)

And the larp "Krigshjärta III" was pretty good in the end anyways, I had some real cool scenes, so called meta scenes, where we go outside the game and freeform what could be thoughts, dreams, memories or anything else that wants to get out. Sweet as. Thanks to Tarick, my family, Lukas and all the rest - you know who you are.


Oh, and did I mention? I've got a room!!! Haha, nah but seriously. I've been looking for ages and this one I can afford and I move in next week. Mint!

Music: Michael Jackson

Colder nights, real windy and before you know it - Autumn will be here. And my panic with it. I thought I could stand the cold this time, I thought I could handle the darkness but I'm thinking I might be fooling myself. Just another method of calming my nerves, not having a place to live or anything to do really. It feels like my entire being is in chaos. Just as always I might point out - there is always a certain amount of chaos in my life but when it turns sour... It feels like I'm running away if I give up on Sweden at the moment, not having fulfilled the stuff I needed to do here (trying to find out what my sexuality is, learning to say no and getting my body to function properly again?). But as soon as I start to feel that cold wind upon my skin I can feel the old panic setting in. Soon the leafs will have turned in all shades of red and die. I need to have green around me, I need to be able to see that summer fresh green every day.

But the biggest fear of it all is that with the Fall coming it means that reality is coming, the cold dark one that hits you in the head and says its time to grow up. Its time to get going with your life. I've worked so hard to get rid of all of that. Please don't make me go back there. I'm scared shitless of a 9-5 job, a stylish apartment with a long term lease and a steady partner. Thatäs what everyone else calls life - I call it prison or maybe even hell.



The fucking larp is as always taking up way to much of my energy and commitment. I really just want to run away, now.

Scared. Silent panic.

Music of the day: Spirited away soundtrack

I'm sorta' getting ill again. Surprise? Nope. The larp I'm going to in a week is all fucked up and I've got way more to do then I'm ok with. Lots of shitty things happening outside the larp itself, people not liking each other and that stuff. Grr.

Still no home, no job but maybe maybe a place where I can have some practical training which allows me to look for more work and get some references. Holding every thumb I can find. Bubbles and confusion everywhere. Stress. Food doesn't really seam to be a good idea at the moment, including sleep which I've rarely got time for. Still in a total state of "fuck - the festival week with all my friends has come to an end" and missing everyone.

A total confusion on sexuality or being close to people. Not much different from yesterday I guess. Just a tad more stressful.

Enough whining for today, chaotic life. Yay! I'm somewhat surprised that I'm not falling yet. Keep the good work up? Hoping for it.

Music of the day: Mint Royal (Thx to Electroboy)

I've been way to busy to write anything here, up and down just as usual I guess. I've been out on the road to lots of different events and festivals for the last month. To a larp which sucked in the game way but I had a couple of great experiences and meet some beautiful people. It was called Tueolenas Port and was in a fantasy setting - I'm so over larping in those worlds but as I said, the people - you know who you are - made my larp. =)

When I got home I got back on track with the cold I got on the Arvika Festival, of course. And as I thought that I'd concurred that one I hitched down to Göteborg to meet up with the crew from the larp. Worked at a Medieval festival, lived in a trailer from the not so great parts of the sixties? With 6 people, crammed in and of course we had to be the White Trash gang. Fuck, I'm so in love with all of these crazy lovin' beautiful people who just adopted me into their crew and as the festival progressed they even made a official (?) welcoming ceremony that went something like this; after drinking way to much of G's Whisky I tumbled around with one of the boys having a play-fight when Electroboy pins me down, G sits on the other side looking the other arm and Charms gets on top and starts pouring wine in my mouth - "Welcome to Gothenburg!!". And if I hadn't laughed all the way I'd probably would have been really pissed of - but I love these guys! Ha! I've sworn revenge though. Watch out!

Hitched back to Stockholm where I fell down on the couch and got real ill again, this time I went to the doctor - got real strong medicine and went blank for the two weeks. Gah! Fucking cold! Morphine, bad as painkillers and penicillin. Choho??

But as the Pride Festival in Stockholm was booming in the streets I'd gotten all better again and partied as much as my somewhat torn body would allow and even meeting some pretty girls, yum! You know who you are ;p.

Packing my gear again I went back in time once more and to an island outside of Sweden named Gotland to the Medieval city called Visby where there's an absolutely fantastic festival every year. A week filled with Medieval music, everyone is dressed up and partying all week long. I sold a lot of my gloves that I've been needlebinding.

Finally confirmed that the bubbles I'd been feeling for the last few weeks for a person were way to real. Fuck this! I'm not game. I'd decided to go against all festival scene, the same as I've made as a rule all summer long, and had a no sex rule for myself (which I on occasion don't give a fucking rats ass about). To much shit is going on. Way to queer, way to insecure with what I want in bed to even try and get my head wrapped around it at the moment. I just know that I'm not game for the heterosexual stuff anymore even though I've seam to have no problems falling for boys I'd rather not have sex with them or I'd rather they take care of "that one down there" on their own, kinda. Or what the fuck, I don't know anymore. Wierd. So what about the "Real Men" - uhm... No way!!

I just got back this morning from Gotland and am way to emotional and messed up to really be writing anything that makes sence I guess. The party's, the people, the hanging out, the shows. Living in an absolutely fabulous flat that was in a total state of Hippieness all week long complete with sauna after party's. The White trash/Göteborgs gang, the Arabs and all the rest... Gah! I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you all. And yes, as you might have guessed at this state of no sleep I am actually having way to many tears in my eyes to write this shit. Fuck missing people!

What sucks even more is that summer is nearly over, its gonna be warm for a bit longer but reality is gonna hit me at the latest in about two weeks even though its really close now. And I haven't got a clue of what the fuck I'm gonna do with my life. I don't have anywhere to live, no job and no school. What to do? I really don't know. So I guess its back on the road? Well if I don't find anything soon I'll be leaving again I guess but that would feel more like I was running away and not going to something. And btw, it doesn't feel like I'm "back" in Sweden - this is where I need to be at the moment to get a grip of my life. This is me going forward, thank you. And no, I'm not done travelling. I've just realised that something's need to be sorted out with friends close by and in a environment that doesn't hate woman, non heterosexuals and veggies.

Music of the day: Evanescence (with all of its tears, with all of its fake goth shit going directly into my vein's.)
Bubble of the day: Confidential.
Pictures will come up later, I just have to run and find that hug from Cat right now...

Me as Mother Tyra at the larp, Kalle Lanzt is the fabulous photographer!

I'm promising to report back later but the status right now is that I've come home from Tueonelas Port which was a larp, loved and hated it at the same time and am going - ridiculously early - to the Arvika festival tomorrow morning to see Nine Inch Nails, Depeache Mode and Korn amongst others. And NIN with my Mummy!! So I'm coming back to ya about everything later on, as soon as I'm back in town.=)

Today's Song: Pencil in the Wind Flight of the Conchords
Today's Person: Esa who made my larp!

I LOVE beans! Since I became a veggie I've really started to dig into these goodies and even though people say they aren't that tasty I say thy juts don't know how to cook them! I just need to brag a bit about the bean spread I just made which took about 3 minutes - without a mixer!

Favourite beans or chickpeas
Olive Oil
Lemon Juice
Oregano
Salt


Mix everything with a fork and enjoy or make up your on combinations.

And Oh, you're so right! I should really get back to work. But I needed to have some food with this weekend. And I'm totally mindfucking myself... Recorded my own voice while I'm reading everything about the larp I'm going to tomorrow which I'm now listening to. Gah! Try litsening to yourself while running around and panicing (Don't Panic) about the packing, its an interesting experience to say the least. Welcome to my world, or should I try to get the world of Thule to welcome me?

Ok, you got me. I'm blogging instead of working.

Only Problem? Fuck native, or no, fuck medieval native. I've been a fan of these Fantasy larps for years but I've totally lost my love for them. All these props and costumes, can't we just focus what's really important? The social game time between us? Gah! Well, I signed up, I paid and now I have to do the work. It will be fun in the end, or so I keep telling myself. Also it seams like I've lost lots of my stuff, somewhere around the country. Fuck.

No succses in finding a job, a room, a volunteerplacement or life for the next couple f months. I'm currently waiting for my boss to call me - at any time - to say that I can start working. Gah.

Going back to "Stress-chaotic-tomorrow-is-larp-mindset". Like I said on my facebook status, I've seamed to have lost my motivation. If you know where I left it please tell me! And I really really badly need it, like a penguin need to fill up o salt for the ocean while skidding around the ice blocks of Antarctica. Not the easiest thing finding a 24/7 shop around there is it?

This is me ages ago, I think it would have been back in 2001? I'm down on the right side screaming my ass off and saying something like "All Hail The King", or that one but in Swedish. Its actually the same campaign that I'm gonna be visiting again but not as the same character, nope. I'm really sick of playing soldiers but having said that, I'm not to keen on playing the priest that I'm gonna do now either. Well, as long as I get there it will be ok. It need to be ok!!

Todays music: Anything with medieval feeling to it, gotta get into shape! But oh, I miss my dubstep. Or please just give me some good hard NZ Drum&Bass...

What's gonna happen next? What are my big bad cunning plans? Well, some travelling in Europe but after that? Well, I am - naively - like everyone else looking for a job. And again - naively - I didn't think it was gonna be such a big problem. I've got a truck-drivers-license and there used to be heaps of jobs around but last summer the Swedish government wanted to get rid of the shortage and educated heaps of people. Which means no work for me. Gah. I'm of course looking for everything else as well. But nothing seams to be out there. No work, no money. But why hang around in Stockholm, I have to eat any ways and travel doesn't really cost that much - I hitch hike and stay at peoples couches. Visiting friends and family. Yay.

So what's going on after the summer? Uhm, I don't know. I'd like to stay in Sweden at least a few months, so I can get real tired of the country and I also wanna play with all my cute friends here for a while. I've missed them so bad. Do some larping, which can only be done here in northern Europe to my likings. Love it!! But to stay up here while winters coming and making us all into ice cubes? I don't know. I've been looking at some places in east Asia or Japan, I thought I'd give English teaching a go. Yeah, I know I still got lots to learn. My spelling is not the best one, I've got no teaching experience and don't even talk about grammar - don't know shit. But I can learn? And even though its not a dream of mine to become a English teacher. Not like "Yay, this is what I wanna do with my life!" - thing. But it should give me the chance to explore the Asian continent, get work and travel. And that I don't need to come back to Europe to earn money.

Now I just have to figure out where in Asia I'd like to go. They've got some courses over there that would make me qualified and I could start teaching strait away. And if I'm lucky or rather I need to find some that are supported by he Swedish student loans, that way they'll pay for my ticket and I'll get some money for food.

But for now I need to find work or school for the fall term. I really'd like give English a shot at the university here in Stockholm but I'm not sure if I get the chance or can keep my feet based in Stockholm for that long. And I don't have anywhere to live either. Hmm. Ah, well. That's just me and my life I guess - I'll get by somehow. I always do, or don't I? And oh, I do really wanna keep going with my art thing, I wanna study more! But this time around I'd like to give it some more time, check out the school first and start my bachelors when I'm sure that that's gonna be my country and school for the next 3 years. NMIT, the school in Nelson I attended turned out to be shit, half the courses I had to take weren't even art!! WTF? At the moment, I can't seam to keep still for even 2 weeks. Oh yeah, that could become a problem while looking for work. I'm not used to this month to month business any more, I like the weekly system of New Zealand.

To sum things up, if you got any idea where I could stay in Stockholm for the fall, just a spot on a floor would even do, some work or school stuff. Keep me posted, will ya!

My home is the road, the one that you all walk upon and at the end of the day leave - without even saying goodbye. This is where I live, where I learn. And I'm back on it. I stayed in Stockholm for almost 2 weeks after a week at my mums, where I'm at right now (again). I do really like it in Stockholm but I suffer from a rather normal addiction which most people can handle but I can't seam to control - itchy feet. I need to feel the road under my feet. I'm addicted to it. Worse then sugar, nicotine or fucking for confidence.

So I'm back home, back on my road. On Thursday I'll be hitting Göteborg, Halmstad on Friday, Malmö on Sunday and Hamburg on Monday. Tuesday to Friday I'll be in Hanover saying hi to my aunty (and maybe even my dad? Wow, its been... a long fucking time. I cant remember the last time I saw him). Getting back on the road again to hit Copenhagen and "The cute Danish Guy" (Shit I really gotta find a better nick name for him) and hopefully participating in a larp on Saturday. Wow, this is way to much planing, I usually don't do it this way but I had the luck (my luck again, yay!) that I found someone going to both Göteborg this week and hitting Germany next week. So why the hell not? And if you're around the places I'll be hitting, come out and play!!


I still need somewhere in Malmö I can crash for a night? And oh, while you're ad it - being all helpful and so on - got any job or school for me?? Did I mention that I hate this fucking "not our fault you bloody idiots" financial crisis? Not our fault being us poor once and blaming it all, ignorant but true, on the idiots sitting there with huge amounts of imaginary money playing monopoly with the world economy. Bluntly but honestly - Fuck you!

I spent most of last week away from reality, hiding in a self pity place with a bad cold and once again being confronted with the idiocy of a female body, gah! I hate it! OK, I like being a woman, I've got no problem with that one - but the physical body? Well, I could have done without some stuff that always wants to act up, at least once a month and all the hormonal shit that comes along with it. Not to mention the fact of breast cancer, or other female orientated cancer. I've checked it out and with about 100% probability I'll be getting one of them by the time I hit 40 - if not sooner. Gah! I'm just glad that I never wanted children cause when I found out (about 10 years ago??) that it runs in the family I decided that I'd never get them. So its even more annoying each month having to bleed like a pig/cry like a baby/hormonal hell/pain!! without a real reason other then the pure pleasure of a (malfunctioning?) female body. I've decided that when I hit 30 or there abouts, I'll get rid of the breast - take out what's inside and put some other shit in - and hopefully get rid of my uterus too. Once I'm out they might as well take the whole lot. Enough of the whining for now.

Almost lift off, and I have no Idea what I'm doing. Just a couple of more hours in Sweden and I haven't, as you can see, had any time to blog this month. Filling out the damned forms and biting my nails off waiting for my passport to return from first the Swedish immigrations board then Holland where my nearest New Zealand Embassy is (Going back and forth for some wired reason).

But I had time to play a lot with my fiends, go camping with Cat, be an inquisitor at a larp and scare the hell out of people. I moved from my place in Kista, all my stuff is now in Småland at my mums (Thanks a lot!). I'll travel light? Well 20 kg was all the airline would allow. I've become a Swedish citizen but am holding on to my German as well. Now I have to be a part of the strange traditions that I've been trying to avoid my hole life. But I still don't understand them!

My last days in Sweden was spent with Cat in the middle of Stockholm just a few minutes away from the central station. At night we walked around, smiling, talking, exploring, UE and just falling in love all over again - with the city and with each other.

At the Larp Kastaria I had some beautiful experiences. Lots of heavy intrigues and real nice playtime. Apart from some bad mistakes made by a couple of participants the hole thing surprised me and sill gives me the chills when Evelyns memories pop into my head. Lots of huge hugs to my group, the people seeking faith and forgiveness and of course to K&H (I could cry for less). The feelings of a character always lingers on afterwards and it's no different this time around. My personal larp keeps on going in my head and the thought of her life is calming and mysterious all at once!

Hopes and quests for my"new life" down under:

Having a good and educational time at School

Get a bike, see everything!

Check out he Buddhist centres near by

Not forgetting about how to be a relationship anarchist, knowing that it's the best way for me to go without getting a bad reputation

Not getting into fights just because I have lots strong feeling about politics, environment and being a veggie.

Finding my next tattoo

Finding things that I need/want in my life:

Dancing

Larp

Free role-playing

Improvisation

That's quite the list, well then I guess I just have to take a deep breath of the Stockholm morning air, crawl into bed for a quick nap and be on my way to the other side, wanna join?

Song of the day: Dedications to K for the marvellous game time.


Song of the Month: Dedications to Cat for all the love and good times, my heart still skippes a beat when you look at me.

Best News of the day: JIPPI! The papers are here, New Zealand here I come! Now I just have to do all the official work, applying for money and hoping to find out as soon as I can when I'll be moving. Wish me luck!

And I'm off again! This time I'm a Russian officer (in Denmark) fighting for The Motherland! (A larp).

But I will leave you with lots of you tubes, have fun and I'll be back!



Follow the instructions!!






Song of the Day: Nine Inch Nails - Me, I'm not
Note to self: Never ever use a "wight" cloth in the background to still life painting. Trying to find the dark/light and warm/cold colors in "wight - cream" is absolutely horrifying!

So I must confess, I'm totally and utterly in love. And that might be a reason why I haven't had the time to blog. And that everything is kinda hectic, but in a good way, right now. Which is kinda inconvenient in time consuming way and of course that I'm leaving in a couple of months. But the relationship anarchy theory is working a lot better than I hopped.

So Solmukohta was absolutely fantastic! The best thing about it was my total sense of freedom. I could do what I wanted, didn't have to wait for anyone, try to explain why I wanted to go to this or that seminar or stay up way to late. It was just me and of course lots of beautiful, funny, lovely friends. Having the time of my life!

Saturday was my favorite. It started off with "Listening dramatics", a seminar/workshop on how to listen and work together at larps to create contacts between characters that otherwise would have been missed. It ended with a great exorcise and lots of inner thoughts about why I love to Larp.

Next up was a mini Larp called "Tango for two". We worked in pairs and played for a couple of hours, where one of us was the conscience and the other one was the present real character. Like a director and the actor but in a different setting. New technics on how to push each other in different directions and keep going when it gets hard.

Contact improvisation was a magical moment The hole day was about interactive and improvising with play, exorcises and theatre. Moving, playing and expressing emotions while dancing is one of my favorite seminaries. I absolutely love it and have started to actually crave dancing. Can't sit still, need to move, feel and live. I need more!

We went by boat to Finland on Thursday and been partying every night until Monday morning when we finally got home. The traditional gala dinner was in a sci-fi theme this year, with costumes and all of course. So I borrowed Cats cyborg eye. Couldn't see anything on one side but it looked great! Thanks Cat!

Last weekend we played "Sartre", a larp with the gang from "a nice evening with the family" larp last summer. A strange and lovely larp were we kept on pushing the directors and characters in different situations. This gives the game a totally new experience and adds on so many levels but is really hard to explain.

I have meet a some artist over the last days and I'm so inspired that I don't really know where to start and when to stop. My kitchen is now a working space, as the rest of my shoe box apartment and a huge wire art piece is hanging from the ceiling. The problem isn't that I can hardly get around it or that it makes me lose contact with time while working on it, it's that the space is to small. The ceiling is not high enough and I really don't know how to solve that one, or where I shall store it?! Well, I have to get it done first.

Just came back from my first Inlines tour of the year, it felt like I never stopped and feeling the wind in my face while speeding on made me feel alive. Today was a good one. Thanks to the good looking company as well.

Artist of the day: Florentijn Hofman When I grow old I wanna be a great artist just like him, or thats at least the "WOW!!" kinda thoughts that pass through my head while looking at his art.

Song of the day: Nine Inch Nails - The great Destroyer