isobelll - with 3 l

I thought I'd give you a private tour of my little head today. I should warn you though, there's heaps of whining, negative thoughts and the occasional sour comment.

Feels like I'm banging my head against the wall, going around in circles. I just can't seem to move on. But I guess Zhe has, untagged us (ha, yeah I know I'm thirteen) in one of our pictures. So why keep on dreaming?

A pessimist confronted with two bad options will chose both. 
A realist confronted with two bad options knows better then 
to chose and will whine "when" they both occur.

Guess which one I am?

The "Quote" is made up by me, feel free to come up with a better phrase or comment. However, I got inspired by Smithis blog. 

Completely unmotivated to everything the past week. Spending way to much time in my little room, my little cocoon. Rapped up in my thoughts and an overdose (is that even possible?) of Gilmore Girls. Winter time in Sweden, yay? Nope. Even though I must admit - the snow is absolutely beautiful. That winter wonder land outside my window is just a bit to much to handle though. Everything is frozen in time. My (non existing) relationship with Zhe. My friends back in Göteborg which I so wanna see again but rather not hitch below zero again (1900 kilometres was quite enough). Sweden is lovely in the summer but the rest of the year? Nah, I so (need?) wanna get out of here. And out of my sour feeling sorry for myself mood. Humpf.

Give me a job and I'm yours, Baby! 

Picture: Zhe's picture which hir untagged us from.
The Winter Wonder Land - The playground I where I usually hang out in summer time.

Soundtrack: Well, its a bit embarrassing but I've come to appreciate all sorts of different music over the last year so here it is, soundtrack of the day is, behold, Beyoncé - Halo. Cause there's nothing like a Queer dance floor to change your mind. Got picked up by a cute girl at last summers Gay underwear party at Högkvarteret (or it got turned into that club later on). Thanks! Today its dedicated, oh my... You'll never guess? [Blank]

Nightmare: Yup. Can't remember what it was about but know I had some.

Enough whining for today.

Went to another larp last weekend, "Våra Drömmars Stad". This time set in "1800-1900" sentry, sorta. Had a good group and stuff but the larp actually sucked. Big time. Got a couple of good scenes but nah, really. I thought I was going to "thriller" type story based larp with sound and video effects. I ended up on a larp with way to expensive clothes (not on me) which made everyone scared of actually moving around in them and it turned out to be some sort of British "Murder theory" but without the murder(?). Finding, receiving and talking to people about the clues you'd gathered. A Game. Uhm, did I mention that I'm actually registered as the worst riddle "sovler" on the continent at this present time?

So the rest of the life? Well, Autumn is here. And my panic with it. Still kinda silent but coming. Trying to keep my focus, trying to keep busy (which isn't a problem for me as most of you all know) and getting quite creative which is great.

Still finding the need to stay in Sweden or rather to stay put, sit still and think. I've never known what I want to do but last January I decided I wanted to study art full time and move to New Zealand. Finally I had this great plan but as all planes they never turn out as you thought. I've got no regrets, It was absolutely the best thing I've ever done. And even though school wasn't up to my expectations I had a swell time travelling and getting to know my self.

Recap:
July 2007, I stated studying art in Stockholm
January 2008, I decide to move to New Zealand
July 2008, I move to NZ and begin my new school
October 2008, I realise that I'm not going to come back to school next term.
November 2008, The road is my home
September 2009, Stockholm is my home.

Picture of me on the road.








I've been on the road more or less for a year. Or more. After realising that art school over there wasn't as good as I hoped I thought that I would find out what I wanted to do with my life by travelling. And I sotra did. I want to do more, see more, be creative, move around, love and work with nature, animals and art. I've got a real addiction to Larp which can't be found (in the way that I like them) in any other place but Sweden. I also found out that I needed to be around my friends. As corny as it sound. Gah, I missed everyone heaps. And I'm not really keen on missing them so soon again. I need to stay put, even though I'm always travelling in my heart and all around Sweden I need to try and find out what I want to do with my life. I know I want to study art - but not at the moment.

I know I've talked about it over and over again, its just that I really don't know. In the same way as I really don't know about this thing called sex. I've always loved it, no matter what gender or style but now... No. I know I've always loved to be with girls and "the people who don't define their gender" (in lack for better description). But men? Well, I haven't had a problem before. Or I had with the macho manly men. And its gotten worse.

At the moment I've gotten over my last big summer crush and in true "isobelll style" gotten right back on the horse and am having all these bubbles for someone else. Of course someone that I hardly know. But now for the scary parts starts, its a he and he seams to like me back. Fuck!! I'm not good with all of that shit anymore. As I said, we hardly know each other (and OH, I'm as always getting way to personal? Sorry) but we're texting and getting real cute. He doesn't live around here which is great, I can live my life just as always. But then there is the "I'm missing him!" part which sucks. Like I'm always missing people all around the globe. Sigh. Note to self: By travelling a lot and larping you'll get friends all over, if you find this "missing thing" hard then you might think about stop travelling - Ha, like that's ever going to happen!!

So once again I'm confronted with the two things that scare me most of all. Its a guy and he (well, that's what I think at least - gathered from the texting ) sorta likes me back (or is he just atracted (here my bad selfconfidens raises her voice in a foul and bad manner and starts to whisper lots of thing that I wont tell here and will try to inore all togeher)). Which is all nice and good but it means, you guessed it, sex. Cause of the simple fact, it seams like, that we're both adultes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm really attracted to him and wow I'd love to have sex but does the dick really have to be a part of it? (As I complained about all this shit to my brother last night he went and grabbed the sissors, "This might solve the problem?").

This has been my main theme for the last 6 months - no dicks. I've failed over and over again but every time I'm in a quite foul mood for the next coulple of days. So seriously, no dicks. At least until I figure out what's wrong, or if you'd like me to rephrase, what's right. Now comes the issue of telling to him, that I'd love to have a cute flirt (or whatever happens) but no sex which is scary. And for once realising that it wont do with, "I'll make up an excuse at the last moment", "It wont be all that bad will it?", "But I am really attracted?", "I am real horny though, that should mean that I actually do want it?", "oh well, I don't want to disappoint him. Just get it over with." I know all about the classic saying "if he likes me it wont matter", "I don't need to spread my legs for someone to like me and if its only that then I can just as well do without." But grr, the bubbles and wanting to be the subject of bubbles in tummy back feelings are still very much all to real. Well, I should just stop thinking, be honest and let the weekend to all the work cause we're all meeting up on Gotland for the "Night of Culture". Yay! A sorta reunion of the summer time medieval week at the flat with sauna, party, friends (some old ones and a lot of newcomes) and the highlight will be seeing a scary movie in one of the old church ruins at night. Freezing Cold!!! And I don't know what I'm more scared about, the movie, the cold or (I do really hope) him - warming me, holding my hand.

Bubbles. Scared. Confused. Chaos? Well, thats me. Always in some state of chaos but at least I'm smiling this time. (And blushing.) Shit, he might read this. Uhm, no good idea of publishing or just the right thing to do? Uhm, fuck. Well, its to late now? Shit, shit, shit. Scared way beond the point of ok and all bundled up in a teenie crush. But maybe I'll just see him and realise that its been all in my head? Bubbles simply cause I "felt like" having bubbles? Hitting the Publish button before I can change my mind.

Music: Lamb - Lusty and Lykke Li - Little bit.

Ha, but what's real? Not a lot in my life. Not according to real people with real jobs. But what the fuck, I'm back on top of my game. I just got a room! Yay me! Fuck yeah! Got a lot of larps, travelling and projects to keep a close eye on within the near future. Going to Göteborg on Thursday for a sweet reunion with the "White Trash gang" and so on.

So I got a room, I got a sorta job or I got enough money to pa my bills and eat, I've got heaps to do and my horrible crush is finally letting me go. (I was the one having the crush, hate it when that happens.)

And the larp "Krigshjärta III" was pretty good in the end anyways, I had some real cool scenes, so called meta scenes, where we go outside the game and freeform what could be thoughts, dreams, memories or anything else that wants to get out. Sweet as. Thanks to Tarick, my family, Lukas and all the rest - you know who you are.


Oh, and did I mention? I've got a room!!! Haha, nah but seriously. I've been looking for ages and this one I can afford and I move in next week. Mint!

Music: Michael Jackson

We've just had midsummer here in Sweden which means that we're all sitting and freezing, no one remembers that it wont be warm for another month yet but who the fuck cares? The tradition makes everyone blind to anything else. The Swedes wrap flowers around a pole, straiten the thing up and hope that no one will notice that its a giant cook and not a Christian symbol which most people forget anyways (it just to be a huge cook anyways, nowadays everyone's forgotten just about everything). They will now dance around the "thing" singing "We are the little frogs, we are the little frogs..." while drinking huge amounts of strong stuff not forgetting - eating rotten fish. No need to say that I don't participate in this foolishness. I spent my midsummer's eve in a sweet little collective, eating vegetarian dumpster food, listening to weird and very nice music wile discussing politics and having a free shop where I got a couple of good new shirts - me like! The rest of the weekend was spent with other friends too. =)

I was just about to write even more applications and these immensely embarrassing personal letter that have to accompany them each time. I've been NOT doing this all week, I've been needing to but as you all know the syndrome "not doing what your suppose to do", I've been blogging way to much, sleeping, reading and all sorts of shit. And today, my final day at my computer I was gonna devote myself entirely to this horrible task - pleading for a job, any job. When out of the blue my old work calls me, I've sent them a letter but hadn't heard back from them and guess what... they want me! So I'm back as a truck driver in Stockholm for the summer, if everything goes according to both my and my employers wishes, yay me!

Photo is taken inside my last truck, with a rear camera and all.

Music of the day: Budspells - Ruckus (The video is horrible and don't pay attention to the rap but rather the great rythm!)

I've got a special place for the summer in Stockholm or rather we'll see how long I'll stick around but I'm very happy to crash on my best buddy's couch in his living room. Thanks again, Kazai for letting me stay. Here's everything I need. A place to sleep, a tea pot with a working kettle, a bathroom (or well there will be after they've finished renovating it), power for my lovely Yvanne (my laptop) and good company provided by the flat mate's but mainly of course by my lovely friend Kazai.

But there are a few things that scare me. The fact that I'll be living with three guys is one thing, that they all love computer/video/drinking games is another thing and neither of them seam to know how to do the dishes directly after making dinner but I can live with that. There is something else that scares the shit out of me, they've build an altar in the middle of the living room where I'm gonna be staying. Its a huge... no you don't get it, its a HUGE flat screen TV with a play station 3 and X box. WTF?? How people can live and worship this thing I will never understand, especially people who spend their entire days in front of a computer screen at work. Why the hell would you wanna spend your time off glued to yet another screen? I'll guess its one of the mysteries in life. I'm thinking of building an altar of my own in a corner of the living room, with a small Buddha and some incense. Maybe a candle or two and I really should start meditating again so that might be the perfect opportunity to start, being inspired NOT to sit in front of that... "thing". Even though I spend a lot of time in front of my computer I still think there's a huge difference - controlling what you want the screen to show you or getting commercials brainwash you into thinking you want possessions. Gah! Ok, I've turned into some weird hippie but hey, at least I'm out there... hmm, doing what? Swimming with the dolphins! (But that's another story).

I am the super Ninja! Haha! Fooled you all. ;) Ok, so its like this - I'm back in Sweden, Stockholm at least for the summer. This of course no one knew about, not the beautiful people at Knutepunkt (a larp convention I go to every year, this time held in Norway), not my old "gang" and not even my brother. So today was the day my ninja skills were gonna be put to test, I arranged a play date with Cat and my brother and while Cat was busy hanging out with Hip-hoper I snuck up on Brother, attacked him from behind (yeah, yeah... how many years of martial arts did you say you've been practising...?) and the best thing was, cause I've dyed my hair, he didn't even recognize me! Ha, ninja that one!

Afterwards we checked out the weird but hilarious film "Herr Landshövding" which apparently has caused quite the debate in Sweden, what the fuck is the governor up to? Well I can tell you, he's on "fika" (which means e is taking a social coffee break). I was laughing throughout the whole film and it felt just like being back on track with the dry Swedish humour that I've been missing so bad. Getting together with parts of the old gang afterwards was a sweet and well deserved bonus.

Song of the day: Apparat - Arcadia

Something strange happened to me as I ran home at lunchtime to do errands and drop off some artwork. As I walked down the street with the increasingly heavy concrete block in my arms I saw a familiar face that I Couldn't identify. He looked lonely and sort of "bum-like". Immediately I stared into the ground but then changed my mind. All these people were walking past him as is he was invisible to them and I don't want to be that sort of person. I want to see people, acknowledge their existence. He couldn't have been much older than me and had yellow tainted skin, rough cloths and a torn up look to him. I gave him a friendly smile and he came up to me.

The conversation went something like this:
"Wanna grab a cup of coffee some day? If you don't have a boyfriend that is...?"
Me: "Uhm, well..." Stumbling for words, feeling more uncomfortable but still unable to let my consciousness go away. "No, I don't have a boyfriend" (As that would have mattered I asked myself) "but I don't have a lot of time".

He grabbed his cell phone and quickly took my number. I would have never ever given it to anybody on the street but this was different. Strange. He said his name and if he could call me this weekend. "Uhm, sure. I don't know if I will have the time but you can always try." And then I ran off. I felt the shoulder bag eating into my muscles and the heavy concrete block in my arms as I thought to myself that most of the people walking have a heart much colder then the piece of art I was carrying. That the concrete is a lot softer to touch and work with, to handle and love then those passing me by. It felt like I was in a game, but then again. It's life at hole a game? And we should play the hand that is given to us. Getting totally philosophical and reminding myself of Cat's words from yesterdays late night chat about accepting what life as it is.

Frightened and Fighting against the cold city where everyone is afraid of each other. And knowing that I am or could become more like them. Wanting to see "Stockholm underground" as Gaiman would have said in "Neverwhere".

I fantasized about running your head into a brick wall and letting the splash of blood wash away my tears so you could never hurt anyone again. These words ran over and over in my head this morning. I didn't want to go to bed last night and slept barely 3 hours. But without having nightmares. Yay me?!

Song/video of the day: Leo Nordwall - It could have happened today (Interacting Arts)