isobelll - with 3 l

This is so uncalled for. As I finally admit to myself that I need to stay put in one place cause I can't handle missing more people at the moment, I find my darling new friends living everywhere in the country instead. I've lost little pieces of my heart in all corners of the world. But as I give it away, as I share it and open up, as I show them and the places my heart I get something very important back. Another piece of the puzzle. But being on the road meant I had nowhere to sit down and try to put all the pieces together, I guess that's why I feel that I need to stay put for a while. To sit still. And yet, I' still travelling. (Even if its not all to far.) And losing little pieces of my heart. Still missing people and gathering new once to the list of "gah, I wish you were here!". But I know that I need to leave again once I've gotten my strength back up. I need to find more pieces, lose more little hearts and fall in love with more of the beautiful places of the world.

Stood on the ferry this morning and saw the sunrise over Visby while leaving its harbour. As the sunlight hit the first house I felt an even bigger piece then usual break lose and tumble down over board, splash as it hit the cold water and be united with the love for that island and the special people who live there or just come to stay for a bubble summer happy weekend once in a while. I felt like I was losing a way to big piece for me to handle all at once to you, Mr. B until I realised that I wasn't losing it at all. (Remembering Relationship Anarchy.) I realised I'd gained another very important piece of my puzzle. One I've been looking for for quite a while. (But to make things clear, I was NOT looking for a crush/lover. I was looking for another piece of the puzzle, like I always am.)

As I've written again and again (or at least talked about but wrote real honest in Once Again back in Real Life.) I finally had he guts to stand up for myself and say no to sexual intercourse, to the actual penetration and to the dick. To be all frank and truthful. But I never realised that that didn't mean that I closed a lot of doors until now. I thought that meant that I wouldn't have sex, wouldn't get pleasure from someone else and wouldn't get all that close. I'd lose one of the important and most intimate things that happens between two people (or can happen). Of course I'd still have sex with girls and all of that but the only problem was that it seamed like I still had crushes on boys. And not the macho manly once but the sweet, often very androgynous and not thinking in a gender norm way. If you could phrase it like that.

But then I found the piece that's been missing, the one I never even thought about. While allowing myself to feel and act and remembering to be true to myself I found out that sex didn't need to be all about the penetration, genitals and orgasms. I've never even thought it was possible but it felt like we found something better, something that was even closer, more intimate and loving then the handling of flesh. And I'm not writing this to "out" anyone, I do hope Mr. B doesn't mind and even though I probably would like to just keep it to myself I found out, once again through a previous post comment, that there are others out there who can't handle the "normal" sexual intercourse. So this is to show, mostly to myself, that its very possible to make love, have sex. Or let me rephrase, its very possible to (in the extremely romantic way) "become one", "tap into each others hearts".

I was planning on having an awesome weekend with friends and a cute innocent flirt, things didn't turn out as planned. Heck, they never do. Lots of partying but no film in an old church. It was poring down outside and way to cold so they moved it to the local cinema, which wasn't as cool but still very sweet to see a scary movie all seven of us while screaming at the right places and having an educational moment, since we were watching "Peeping Tom" which, I believe, was from the sixties and ground breaking at the time. Lots of more partying, lots of sauna, tea, sweet vegan food, lovin' friends and late nights but then there was that innocent flirt which turned out to be something completely different.

Scared while writing, scared while thinking, scared while feeling but its to big to just ignore. I'm falling. Another little piece of my heart is now washed up on the shore of Gotland. And as I saw it fall hitting the waves beneath the ferry I couldn't keep my tears back anymore. Just as its hard when I'm writing this. I could always try to explain it with "Haven't slept or eaten properly for the whole weekend" and so on but I think its something more. Cause no matter what happens now I found that piece of the big puzzle that is me, so thank you Mr. B and thanks to all the poor souls who had to listen to my endless ramble about my confusing "love life". Its thanks to them that I was strong enough to say no which opened a whole world of doors for me to explore.

Wow, talk about honesty?! Well, there you have it. And it might be a bit easier to understand then my drunkin' ass trying to, well I don't know what I was thinking about, blog earlier.

(Pictures; Visby while leaving the harbour. Sunrise over Visby. Me on open water.)

So while listening to way to cute music from my teen days, missing everyone heaps and bloggin' I decide that just for today I'll stay inside my little bubble of happiness and will deal with the real world outside my window tomorrow.

Soundtrack: Sigur Rós - Milano