About these spring bubbles... They are all good and so on and so forth there are just a few major issues. Not with all of the of course, I've got bubbles for the tiny little new leafs outside my window, for yet another cute flower and when the neighbours cat comes for a cuddle and so on. But when I've got the bubbles for people, that's another story all together. Being a relationship anarchist and obviously not knowing when I'm flirting or rather, according to everyone else, flirting all the time. People perceive me as a flirt where as I don't always intend to be. Hmm, I don't know how to deal with this in words, especially written once on a blog, but I guess I'm gonna give it a try.
I worry how my relationships (or as I informally prefer to call them - "to relate to people") are perceived by Normal People. This can be really good or often, especially if I'm quite fond of them, really bad if the person on the other side doesn't share my perspectives and can't tolerate how I live. (If you feel like reading about the last time I got my heart broken, look at September 2008 in the blog archive to the right. I think it even stretches into the next month after that, and whom I called "a close friend/my flatmate/Spikey" - for lack of better words and privacy reasons - and so on.)
A entirely different "problem" is the issue of gender - I'm getting way to personal here so this is the time to stop reading. I identify myself as... uhm, this is actually a huge problem - which word I use for identification. A person outside the normal gender-identity-system or simply "queer" (again in lack of better words). No this isn't quite right. Ok, once again. A person who... Hm. I keep on switch who I go out with, what I identify my self as - dike, femme, "flower power girl", political activist and the list goes on and on. Who/what gender identification I have sex with/am attracted to. But I identify myself as a woman, more about this further down.
I'm not into people who identify with the binory genders. If you're bisexual you like boys cause they're boys and girls cause they're girls, I don't. I mostly fall for the people who go beyond these catagories not necessarily meaning transgenders (in whatever way/form) but people who identify themselves as a non-gender, anti-gender or make up their own gender, not taking things as granted.
So far so good, now to the even more personal part. From time to time, I bubble (which is the simplest way for me to describe the feeling) for a heterosexual guy. Which is totally fine but if it goes further then that and some little innocent flirting - which I most probably wont notice that I've started if someone else doesn't point it out - it gets complicated. I've got no intention of being in a "Normal heterosexual relationship/relation" with someone, none at all. Despite me finding them/him interesting. I've got no desire of being put in the position of a "heterosexual woman" which I've been discussing before, getting that typically feminine role. Even though I don't have any problems with my biological gender and am quite happy identifying myself as a girl/woman/female I don't like the part that society has chosen for us and the way people treat us. This is simple enough in theory but as soon as one puts it to practice it becomes a lot harder to uphold with a heterosexual man (in whichever way he's there). So what to do? I like the people/him/them but not the script - "the game" and the part I have to "play".
Simply, Some of the things that are important for me in closer/intimate relationships are: To know how to have fun and when to be serious, to not put me in a heterosexual female situation (which sadly often means that I have problems with heterosexuals), people who had a WAY to sheltered life. And most importantly relationship anarchists- even if its non sexual close/intimate relationship, in normal terms "just good friends".
I of course relate to people that are not compatible with these categories and some of them I'm very close to and have been for years! But when "new people" come into my life I ever so often realise that even though I like/love/bubble them they don't know how to handle the relationship. This of course gets me into trouble.
This is really hard to write about so that others can understand so feel free to ask me directly or in my comments.
A Perfect Circle - Sleeping Beauty
(You're far to poisoned for me...)
This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 05, 2009 and is filed under
Love
,
music
,
Relationshp Anarchy
,
theory
,
youtube
. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
6 comments:
Another word for it is Free. simple as.
I too more or less hate the "game" that you are supposed to play in this society. I fyou meet someone and like their company, enjoy it.. screw the "normal" rules and just enjoy it..
and btw, spot on with "Sleeping Beauty".. you just got some wonderful memories back in my head.
The game really sucks but i think you and me define it as different things. From what you´ve told me it seems you do love "the Game". At least the flirting part of it.
Hmm, free sexuality, free identity, free from gender? Well, it might work but for those who aren't used to these thoughts it might be a bit hard to understand.
Yeah Ola, we've got totally different ways of looking upon the game. And I do like to play games but not that one! Not when my role is already predefined and I've got no choice but to read the script.
But then again, who says the game is predefined? Or your role?
And yes, free is hard to get a grasp of, and hard to live/deal with. But isnt that the whole idea of it?
society has a scary way of predefining the parts we are suppose to play without us agreeing to them. This is and has been a huge problem.
There is a way to play a different game but only if everyone participating knows that the rules are a lot different then the common ones.
Well yes, free is a good concept and something I live by but to explain this to others? I don't know. To just say "I identify myself as free". Well, that could be a problem.
indeed, society has a bunch of scary ways about alot of stuff.
But seeing as we are a part of it in one way or the other, it´s up to us to change the part we think is wrong/weird.
If there is a way to play a different game, then play it! it´s up to the individual person to be a part of it or not.and yes, it could and will be a problem for people to agree and play a different game, but if they "agree" on said "rules" or "standards" it´s again, up to the individual person.
You cannot control what people feel or think, you can either bend your own rules, or accept the fact that every individual is their own. Wether they play a different game than you or not.
My point is, playing a game or not: we all are accepted or excluded based upon our own thoughts and feelings.