isobelll - with 3 l

If you look at the time this has been posted you have to understand that will understand that I have had another late night out partying. After a long walk/talk with a special person I was all bubbled up and had to get my thoughts raped around something else, but hen wouldn't get out of my head.

And I'm saying hen, which is a finish (I belive) is the expression if your not defining the gender, this is to protect the persons integrity.

I think the bubbles are actually trying to kill me. As I said in a previous post about friendship there are always bubbles involved in the beginning. And some of them feel all warm and fuzzy. The problem is when they start to turn pink and wont pop when your trying to get rid of them. And I want to make a point, I am not in love, I have not fallen, I wont admit to anything. Not to myself any way. I will just say that there are some "slightly uncomfortable" bubbles flying around and not letting me go to sleep.

The thing is that this hole "springtimefeelingsthingy" is all wrong.

1. I have looked up to hen of many years now, actually as long as I have known hen and never ever in my wildest dreams would I have thought of this development.
   
2. I really don't have the time.
3. I want to be self sufficient and not dependent on anyone.
4. I don't want a normative relationship, which in this case wont be a problem.
5. This all takes focus away from whats important in my life right now, my studies.
6. I look outside my window as I'm writing and it's snowing so there can't actually be any spring time thingy, can there?
7. This person is very impotent to me and I want to become even better friends.
   
8. I am terribly afraid.
   
9. I feel like a total fool, running around not being able to concentrate, finding myself staring into thin air and acting like a fourteen year old girl again. Horrible!
   

So thats the logical part of me. Saying "stay away! Run! Get out when you still got the chance....!" and to forth and so on. My heart/gut/stomach is saying lots of other fuzzy warm and embarrassing stuff. But what I can't figure out is the middle ground. The so called wise mind. The brain and heart are fighting all over the place and it's getting incessantly worse by the minute. So what to do?

This is exactly what I didn't need right now. I want to focus on the art, become one with it. I'm so tired of always letting my emotions getting in the way of what I want to do. Or not letting me know whats really me. I would love to have a life without social contact, only living for the art. Or in my naive fantasies that is the way to go. But I know that it's totally unrealistic. Of course I need human contact (and want it!!), friends and a life outside of school. It's just really annoying when I'm in class and my thoughts start to drift away and having me see everything through thick pink glasses. Horrifying. Why me? I don't want to! I didn't ask for this.

I have been trying now, with no actual success, to get rid of all the uncomfortable bubbles. And it wont work. A huge part of me is irritated, hates it all and just wants to cut all contact with hen. The other part is looking at the butterflies and having a ball. What to do? Who should I listen to? Where is my wise mind?

But I know, deep down inside, that I don't want the friendship to end. I want this person in my life. I just don't know how to do it without getting to involved. So once again, what to do? And do I really not what to get all tangled up?

Song of the night: Nine Inch Nails - Just like you Imagined (All instrumental and utterly beautiful noisy parts. I especially love the "hard core" piano parts.)