Can someone steal your friend? Well, yes of course is the first thought but then again. What? How can you steal something that you can't own. There is no rule of monogamy in friendships or is there?
Ok, here's the delicate situation. I hang out heeps with a person, lets call him/her A (hen=him/her). Now A wants to hang out with the friends hen had before I came to New Zealand. That's understandable. I've no desire to always be around A and v.s. But here comes the tricky part, I was invited to join in tonight and didn't think twice before I accepted. Last night however me and A had a huge argument, I was always interfering with hen's friends, I had already "stolen" (taken, gotten to know, become friends with...) a lot of the people A hangs out with and this was the last ones hen's thought hen had for henself. Would be able to hang out with where I wouldn't be around. Understandable. But it puts me in a pretty awkward situation. I was invited but can't go because hen is there and it's hens friends. But I do consider most of them my friends too. Hmm, his might be to complicated to explain on the blog.
Well, at the end of the day I'm sitting at home while "my" friends are out partying cause I don't want to get in the way of A. I have no desire for more fights or back talking someone. I just don't know what to do. I didn't even realise that most of the people down here know A too but its a pretty small place so I guess thats unavoidable. So how can I be considerate and give A some space without getting left out? My first impulse was to leave. Thats it, had enough of Nelson. Time to move on. But I can't run away every time it gets hard. So I stay, alone, in my room while my friends are out with A and "hen's" friends. Momentum 22.
Wonder if anyone can understand my ramble, ha.
How the hell could I have been so blind?! I got close, I trusted, I love. This time around was to be about me, not about what everyone else does and doesn't do. I was not to be influenced. I was to be on my own. Not let anyone in. I can't believe that I got that dependent on people again. I need to make my own way and not care if they wont show me NZ, forget to tell me that the trips are off or aren't interested in my things. I need to find my path. Alone. Thank you for the reminder.
Music: Immortal Technique - you never know
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6 comments:
You, A and the other friends all have the right to see each other. But what to do when someone becomes territorial? (Sometimes even without telling in advance that a certain event was supposed to be Elli-free?)
There are a number of things that seems wierd in this situation.
1.
I think that when you and a friend wants to see each other, you two have the right to. Even if it annoys someone who wants an exclusive. It's kinda fishy for A to claim that someone "always is around" and therefore excludes A from ever meet with those friends on their own. There are always occasions to arrange a meeting if you need to meet a certain friend for a private talk or hangout. So why try to push you away? Privacy can't be the issue - especially not at a party.
2.
If someone often hang out with a certain friend, it could be hard to get a private moment with that person. (This is very common when people go too monogamous - the parter seems glued to the friend, even though no one seems happy about the awkward constellation. But it happens with friends too. That's problematic.) However, in this case, it didn't seem to be quite the situation. Rather, this person wanted you to stay out of a circle of common friends. And worse: this circle is like The Circle of Friends in that town. So this person claims that it's wrong that you are included in the social life of the town? (for your demographic group etc.) That's seriously unfriendly - both for you and the other people who wants to see you. So at least two people goes down to benefit one? Ewww.
3.
Another thing that concerns me about this is that A seems to make up rules for you and your common friends (who is allowed to see who, who are allowed at social events etc). These rules or requests are not really communicated to anyone before taken in effect. Yes, there might be an unspecific, general request that you should stay away but that is miles from getting into a more detailed discussion on how to find a solution that is emotionally and practically satisfactory for everyone. And which puts your friendship and your friendships in the front. Instead, there is retroactive retribution and confrontation for breaking these rules. This also implifies a threat that this person could get "hurt" again or simply raise hell for breaking another rule (ie. you meeting up with a friend). This is a mode of social control: letting people live in fear of possibly doing something wrong. I have no idea why this person (knowingly?) wants to subdue you, and in effect also your friends who might have tried to be friendly to their friend - but I have a hard time seeing this as an expression of love between friends.
Unless this person stops acting like everyone's common enemy by starting to communicate clearly about the issue and finding practical solutions that aren't based on exclusion, I'd suggest that you ask this egoist moron to go to hell - or perhaps another provincial town in New Zealand. I'm also kinda curious what your common friends has to say about A's behaviour. After all - it's not a behaviour that solves anything, just creates problem for you, your common friends and ultimately also A.
Ps. "Their" and "theirs" can be used instead of her/him.
Das erste, woran ich gedacht habe, war, dass er/sie dich als Konkurrenz ansieht, also dass ihre Freunde vielleicht dich "mehr" mögen, die mehr Aufmerksamkeit schenken, als ihm/ihr.
Und warum? Schlechtes Selbstvertrauen? Schlechtes Selbstwertgefühl?
Und/Oder er/sie findet, dass man einen eigenen "Space" braucht.
Ich liebe dich!
jag tar det på svenska:
det här känns som klassiskt tjejigt (tyvärr) mellanstadiebeteende. Det gränsar till mobbning och är INTE okej.
Jag blir så oerhört förbannad när sånt här beteende inte stannar i småskolan (det är ju helt förkastligt där också) utan utförs av vuxna.
Ge den där A en kopia av Berit Åhs (http://sv.wikipedia.org/wiki/H%C3%A4rskartekniker)
och be honom/henne läsa.
jag har själv varit utsatt för liknande saker både som barn och som vuxen och det är alltid lika svårt att sätta stopp då det ofta framställs som helt logiskt och att det är man själv borde känna skuld. Så är det naturligtvis inte. Den här människan beter sig som skit.
GRAAAAH.
Word, A-K!
But I doubt that A knows Swedish. Is there an English version available somewhere? Or perhaps it would be a good idea to translate that and Främjartekniker as well?
I love how multi-lingual this blog is getting!
I don't know if we did a english version, I think we talked about it, but no one hade the time or the energy. =(
point is: if this person is your friend hen have to act friendly: a.k.a a person who has your (and your friendship) best in mind.
it is as simple as that.
If A doesn't live up to that, is A your friend?
and oh, word to you too, Leo. =)