isobelll - with 3 l

First of all thank you for all your support and encouraging comments. At the same time as they make me feel stronger (and are very true), about the hole "härskarteknikerna", even if A doesn't understand that, they hurt. Cause I can't seam to change my situation. I've been going over it so many times in my head and I'm stuck. We keep going round in circles without seaming to get out of it. I know I need to, I know I need to run and save myself but when the friendship works, when we're not fighting it's so good. I guess I just don't have any "defences" against that sort of behaviour right now and am sort of stuck. Like I said, the first impulse is run. We've talked more though and A understands that that night was real shit for me. We're friends again but I'm being more careful now. Trying to make planes for what I can do without depending on other people. I will try to print the "härskarteknikerna" and post them on my wall so that I'm always aware of when people or myself are using them. Cause its way to easy to forget about them.

There are quite a few incidents down here with friends that I'm not used to, people not telling me that they've backed out of planes/trips, cancelling and not wanting to plan stuff. But I guess thats my fault as well, trusting people again. Getting close cause I told myself I was not gonna depend on anyone this time around, foolish but true. I just really really want to be able to make all my own decisions but soon I will again. Soon I need to take one more step towards self independence.

It hit me today, things that you might already know just reading this blog, that I'm in some sort of "shit-what-the-hell-am-I-gonna-do-with-my-life"-crises. I really don't have a clue, I don't know. I've always dreamed about travelling, being on my own and seeing the world but never before being totally without a plan which is the case now. It's always been school, some work stuff or other thing that I've always thought would and have kept me in one place but now that I've finally got the freedom it really scares the hell out of me. I never thought that I would ever get to this point, that I might be able to actually live my dream. Am I cut out for this? Am I strong enough?

But please, I'm fine. Its not a real crisis in the bad sense of the word. Just that I'm sort of lost right now. So don't worry. It sort of feels like a good thing cause it makes me realize that I have a lot more to choose from then I was aware of. What everything boils down to is that I have to find a way to take better care of myself again and set me first, not caring that much about what other people think. I always seam to find myself in situations that are more of less uncomfortable but are "safe.

BTW, I dyed my hair orange!! Ha, a lot of pictures of me on this blog now but what the hell. Most of my readers are on the other side of the world so I guess thats called for. Read them from the left to the right, the different stages of hai colourin. Three bleaches and omg, I looked horrible blond.
Music: Evanescence