Knutpunkt and New York
Thursday, April 29, 2010

I MISS YOU! I wanna go back! I wanna go back in you're lovin arms and spend maybe not the rest of my life there but a considered amount. Right there.. At knutpunkt. With Knutpunkt. With you all. And I can't really seem to shake the feeling of "this is a dream... this ain't real". I guess I'm not a fan of reality.

This week has gone by in a haze, were nothing really seems to be important at all. Cause what is life anyways if I can't wake up and be late for the next larp? What is life if I can't wake up to a smile? 

Who where you last week? I've been...
...in a mental institution in "A place for her to rest", revisiting one of my favourite games. Was the victim in the infamous"GR". A communist, believing in Love while desperately fighting for my life in "The Baaden Meinhof Experiment". Cried from 9AM till 1PM while killing myself in "Amanda and the Razorblade". Had a "Super fantastic epic fantasy mega zone larping experience". Throw myself of a building in a "kick start game". Got heartbroken twice in "Heartburn(er)". Was a drug dealer with a blind date complete with tape in "Where our destinies meet". Was close to tears all through "The Journey" and said yes to a very romantic and ever so Christian marriage proposal in "Previous occupants". 

Did I forget something? Probably. In between I spent my time lovin' the people around me, dancing heaps (contact improvisation and disco) and of course - Partying! (And time to reveal the secret? Kissing.)


Thank you: To all of those who've directed me, played with me, danced, smiled, cried and loved. Thanks to all of them who attended both a week in and during knutpunkt. To all the beautiful people I got to host during the week and to those I got to find homes for. To all of those who I consider friends even though we just meet this one time per year. You all know who you are. Missin' ya heaps.

And how could I forget, "you're always mockin' me...!" - Me in a heavy mixture of kiwi and British accent. I missed you the second I noticed I could open my mouth and talk without you making fun of me. Sucks heaps.

Question/my own quote of the day:


Hoping for another tomorrow where dreams come true, will you be there waiting for me?


Heart: I had yet another perfect "rebound" last week. A charming and loving person I'm gonna call "New York" cause of his accent. (yes, a he - again, seems to be my thing, for now anyways? Not a clue.) And just like last year its one of the Dane's. Again. Haha. So this person, this NY, I didn't really notice until it was way to late to resist. Ok, his charm was quite out there but not at all my style. I go for tattoos, dreads, piercings, tall and thin, androgynous, woman, way out there style and most of all - Hair. There has to be something special about your hair. But then there was you. And your charm blow me away. (Don't get me wrong, you're real fine. In every meaning of the word. Gosh, wh at ever I write will be an opening for misinterpretation, I do hope you get what I mean. This is meant as a compliment, nothing else.)

It started with one of the most powerful things ever - larping. We we're in a "game" together, where I first had that "wow" feeling, the one that made me interested. "A place for her to rest" in the flatbox, dancing at the end. And NY's arms, the energy of the game. Wow. Bubbles? Yeah. Suppressed bubbles. 

Next game was a real challenge, on Wednesday night we attended a jeep form larp together called "GR" which I wont go into at this point but lets just say that it hit the spot in a quite painful way and cause NY said just before that he was a very protective person I curled up into those sweet arms afterwards. 

And even though I know we only had last week, that weekend, Knutpunkt and the life there together. I didn't care. You said you wanted to save the world and I said just smiled and knew that you were the kind that I'd love to settle down with one day. Even though I know we wont be, we wont have that future - being worlds apart - you showed me that there was a totally different future if I wanted it. And I didn't even know I actually wanted that, always looked down on people who wanted to settle down. Hmm, one day I might. Until then, thank you and I do hope that we meet up again. As friends, as lovers, as inspiring creative boosters, as larpers. Besides, we've always got New York - cause you promised to show me the city one sweet day (while dancing to "Empire State of Mind").

(And yes, I could fall for you. But I wont let myself. Not this time around. Not if it isn't mutual.)


Youtube of the day complete with a dedication to "New York":


Ps. Still trying hard to get over the one I've lost and who wont be found again. Ds.
Spring is finally here
Monday, April 19, 2010
And I'm not suppose to blogg but to work on my project but what the hell aye? I need to get this out of my system.

So as you might have noticed, Zhe is out of my life. Gone. And yet again, I wont get into the details. Its still to vivid. To emotional. Still to hurtful. That someone's silence could kill a love like that is, huh, no. I'm not gonna do this. Not now.

However I've probably had the perfect rebound just a few weeks ago, a friend of mine who's sweet but not to sweet. Who I wont fall for but is "nice enough" to date. The fact that hir became a instant vegetarian while watching "Eartlings" with me, knows heaps if philosophy and has that London accent is probably the reasons why I liked hir in the first place. And just as we were sorta going "uhm, so what is this shit between us?" London (which is the rebounds nick name cause of the heavy London accent) fell in love with someone else and decided - which seems to be the theme for a lot of people - that "hey, I'm not a relationship anarchist when I have a real relationship". Haha! you wish. But I got out before getting any bubble stomach feelings. Puh. And we're still friends. But of course we'll probably not hang out as much anymore cause as soon as someone gets a "real relationship" (Gah, I hate it when they call it that) people tend to disappear. Btw, this is a dare. What do you say, London?

I guess I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and concentrating on my job plus of course Knutpunk.se which is on including "A week in Stockholm". This means that I've got up to 8 (!!) friends from all over, mostly German and Danish, at my place. Woho! Lovin' it.

Spring is finally here. I can feel it in the air. But there is something missing. I've said all winter long that "when spring finally comes, our feelings will thaw as the world thaws too." And they have. Not just to one person but to... the world? The feeling of being in love hits me several times per day or its more in the background without me being able to shout it down, but I've got no one on the receiving end which is sorta weird. But I guess for the better. I can focus my energy on other stuff. Such as Knutpunkt an larping.

Randomly spontaneously flirted with a cutie on the train yesterday though. Which is so not like me. Ok, people say I flirt all the time - even when I don't mean to. This thing started with me just being way to stubborn and feminist to look down when our eyes meet. And after a couple of cute winks, a few minutes "pretending to stare outside the window while looking at one another through the reflections" and a starring "contest" hir came over go chat.

"So what are you up to tonight?" 

and I answered,
"actually, I'm going out with a bunch of larpers to celebrate. You know what a larp is?"

And guess what, hir knew. We parted with a hug, not exchanging phone numbers but leaving with a smile. Everything that's required for a boost of self-esteem. Thank you. Whoever you are. Maybe we'll meet again, maybe we wont. However, I wish hir luck on grandma's funeral. And you're performance. Sending some thoughts your way, just so you know.

Note to self: Self-esteem doesn't come from someone else but from yourself. I don't have to tell you that, just wanted to clarify it once more.

Soundtrack: Yann Tiersen

Picture: Tussilago - one of our famous spring flowers.
I'm running out of underwear
Saturday, April 03, 2010
There are certain thing you start noticing when one gets a full time job - that for someone like me who's been either travelling or studying haven't actually applied before.
  1. The first two months are simply about work - Bed. (Hopefully this will change)
  2. A glass of wine after work seems all the more important thing to do then ever before
  3. Meeting your friends means you'll have to give up blogging or sleeping (as you'll notice, I haven't been bloggin')
  4. My normal "to do" lists seem like nothing compared to what I have now
  5. Most importantly - I'm constantly running out of underwear
Also, as soon as I have the time off work (and don't just fall into bed) I get über social, wanting (no, needing) to meet all sorts of people. Which is rather nice. Or like buying a bike and riding it the 30 kilometres home, straight through town! Just to prove to myself that I can and that spring is finally here.

But today, just for today, when the sun is shining and I'm actually taking it slow, finished work early (yes, I'm working strait through Easter) I'm watching a real cool show a friend of mine sent me. And really, its one of the best ones I've seen in a while. So If you've got the time to spare. Do check it out.

Heart: No. I've quit. No more cowards, no more heart breaks. I've had enough. Thank you. I'll tell you about it when I feel comfortable talking about what happened. But lets just say, I quit.

Beardyman - Live in the Underbelly: The full Show
Especially for those, who like myself, love Drum&Bass, Dubstep, Aphex Twin and all sorts of beatbox.




Quote of the day: "The more helpless the creature, the more that it is entitled to protection by man from the cruelty of man." - Mohandas Gandhi

Green: http://www.goveg.com/

Pictures: Bridget Jones underwear - not mine. My bike on one of the bridges in Stockholm, the ice is finally breaking up! Today I even saw the first flower. Yum.