I said no, over and over again. Finally I gave up and got it over with.
A couple of years ago I had a party at my place and a few friends stayed over. The next morning I had quite the hangover and crawled back into bed after waving good bye to everyone, almost everyone. One guy, which I’d sorta known for quite some time, went back to sleep. I think we kissed the night before but I thought I was very clear on my part that I didn’t want anything more to happen.
As I woke up I could feel him groping me and I kindly pushed him away, over and over again. Blamed it on the hangover and forced myself to go back to sleep. But he didn’t get the message. I said no, no don’t, I don’t want to and no. At the end I didn’t know what to do. He just wouldn’t stop and tried to persuade me in all kinds of ways to have sex with him. Finally I gave up and tried to get it over with as quickly as possible.
I remember that it hurt as he pushed himself into me. I can’t even remember if we used a condom or not, but I’ve got a somewhat vague memory of us trying but that he was to big for the normal kind and it either broke or curled up and lost its meaning.
As he finally left I didn’t know what to feel or how to react. I tried to ignore it for quite some time but noticed that every time I had sex with men after that it left me feeling the same way. About a year after the incident I stopped having sex completely. I just couldn’t take the anxiety attacks afterwards anymore. And finally confined to a few friends of what had happened. Confused of how I should act or if I could blame him at all.
Still to this day I don’t have penetrative sex with men.
Yeah, I know. I haven't blogged for a while and now the only thing I seem to come up with is to post this silly song that you all wont read the lyrics to anyways. But bare with me, I'll highlight the parts that are important (especially the part at the end) and leave the rest to become a secret message that is way to obvious anyways.
Cause of way to much work and a general lack of (self-esteem?) + inspiration that doesn't become all to personal this blog has been somewhat on hold for the last couple of months. I guess I'm just hoping I'll tend to it a bit more in the future. (And you're feedback means the world to me.)
Emily's Heart Lyrics
Bottle of wine, and an old 45, rifle in the corner that her grandfather left her when he died, Said no surprise, i've had to use it quite a few times, So Jay, don't you ever let us down, don't you ever, i'll have to shoot you and no one will hear a sound
Bruised and bloody, i'm lying on the ground, And I am aware that I let the poor girl down, Now i'm dying, as a message to the town, This what happens, if you fuck around, So meddle if you want trouble, trouble then you should meddle, But don't ever meddle with Emily?s heart
She said, get your coat, come on, To the dog track with the money right, Yeah we had some fun, Left with more 'cause we won, I was under investigation on suspicion of doing her wrong, She said, you've become a villain, accused of a hit and run, Said, she hit me first, and I, say it's the worst that I ever felt, In a broken heart. Bloodstains on her shirt crease and, hope she pays the dues, When I left she said, that your last breath will be down by the station at 2, Swear she shot me down.
Bruised and bloody, i'm lying on the ground, And I am aware that I let the poor girl down, Now i'm dying, as a message to the town, This what happens, if you fuck around, So whenever, you want trouble, trouble then you should meddle, But don't ever meddle with Emily?s heart
She said i'm a user, and she's a loser with a gun, I said if you choose to it becomes hard to include anyone, So if you stay, put it away, or should I run? She said I think you know the answer to your question,
So for the smiles, and all of the miles that the engine?s done, The further I drive away the closer we become, So if I stay, would you put it away, and forgive this one son? She said Jay I think you know the answer to your question Bruised and bloody, i'm lying on the ground, And I am aware that I let the poor girl down, Now i'm dying, as a message to the town, This what happens, if you fuck around, So meddle if you want trouble, trouble then you should meddle, But don't ever meddle with Emily's heart
I MISS YOU! I wanna go back! I wanna go back in you're lovin arms and spend maybe not the rest of my life there but a considered amount. Right there.. At knutpunkt. With Knutpunkt. With you all. And I can't really seem to shake the feeling of "this is a dream... this ain't real". I guess I'm not a fan of reality.
This week has gone by in a haze, were nothing really seems to be important at all. Cause what is life anyways if I can't wake up and be late for the next larp? What is life if I can't wake up to a smile?
Who where you last week? I've been...
...in a mental institution in "A place for her to rest", revisiting one of my favourite games. Was the victim in the infamous"GR". A communist, believing in Love while desperately fighting for my life in "The Baaden Meinhof Experiment". Cried from 9AM till 1PM while killing myself in "Amanda and the Razorblade". Had a "Super fantastic epic fantasy mega zone larping experience". Throw myself of a building in a "kick start game". Got heartbroken twice in "Heartburn(er)". Was a drug dealer with a blind date complete with tape in "Where our destinies meet". Was close to tears all through "The Journey" and said yes to a very romantic and ever so Christian marriage proposal in "Previous occupants".
Did I forget something? Probably. In between I spent my time lovin' the people around me, dancing heaps (contact improvisation and disco) and of course - Partying! (And time to reveal the secret? Kissing.)
Thank you:To all of those who've directed me, played with me, danced, smiled, cried and loved. Thanks to all of them who attended both a week in and during knutpunkt. To all the beautiful people I got to host during the week and to those I got to find homes for. To all of those who I consider friends even though we just meet this one time per year. You all know who you are. Missin' ya heaps.
And how could I forget, "you're always mockin' me...!" - Me in a heavy mixture of kiwi and British accent. I missed you the second I noticed I could open my mouth and talk without you making fun of me. Sucks heaps.
Question/my own quote of the day:
Hoping for another tomorrow where dreams come true, will you be there waiting for me?
Heart:I had yet another perfect "rebound" last week. A charming and loving person I'm gonna call "New York" cause of his accent. (yes, a he - again, seems to be my thing, for now anyways? Not a clue.) And just like last year its one of the Dane's. Again. Haha. So this person, this NY, I didn't really notice until it was way to late to resist. Ok, his charm was quite out there but not at all my style. I go for tattoos, dreads, piercings, tall and thin, androgynous, woman, way out there style and most of all - Hair. There has to be something special about your hair. But then there was you. And your charm blow me away. (Don't get me wrong, you're real fine. In every meaning of the word. Gosh, wh at ever I write will be an opening for misinterpretation, I do hope you get what I mean. This is meant as a compliment, nothing else.)
It started with one of the most powerful things ever - larping. We we're in a "game" together, where I first had that "wow" feeling, the one that made me interested. "A place for her to rest" in the flatbox, dancing at the end. And NY's arms, the energy of the game. Wow. Bubbles? Yeah. Suppressed bubbles.
Next game was a real challenge, on Wednesday night we attended a jeep form larp together called "GR" which I wont go into at this point but lets just say that it hit the spot in a quite painful way and cause NY said just before that he was a very protective person I curled up into those sweet arms afterwards.
And even though I know we only had last week, that weekend, Knutpunkt and the life there together. I didn't care. You said you wanted to save the world and I said just smiled and knew that you were the kind that I'd love to settle down with one day. Even though I know we wont be, we wont have that future - being worlds apart - you showed me that there was a totally different future if I wanted it. And I didn't even know I actually wanted that, always looked down on people who wanted to settle down. Hmm, one day I might. Until then, thank you and I do hope that we meet up again. As friends, as lovers, as inspiring creative boosters, as larpers. Besides, we've always got New York - cause you promised to show me the city one sweet day (while dancing to "Empire State of Mind").
(And yes, I could fall for you. But I wont let myself. Not this time around. Not if it isn't mutual.)
Youtube of the day complete with a dedication to "New York":
Ps. Still trying hard to get over the one I've lost and who wont be found again. Ds.
And I'm not suppose to blogg but to work on my project but what the hell aye? I need to get this out of my system.
So as you might have noticed, Zhe is out of my life. Gone. And yet again, I wont get into the details. Its still to vivid. To emotional. Still to hurtful. That someone's silence could kill a love like that is, huh, no. I'm not gonna do this. Not now.
However I've probably had the perfect rebound just a few weeks ago, a friend of mine who's sweet but not to sweet. Who I wont fall for but is "nice enough" to date. The fact that hir became a instant vegetarian while watching "Eartlings" with me, knows heaps if philosophy and has that London accent is probably the reasons why I liked hir in the first place. And just as we were sorta going "uhm, so what is this shit between us?" London (which is the rebounds nick name cause of the heavy London accent) fell in love with someone else and decided - which seems to be the theme for a lot of people - that "hey, I'm not a relationship anarchist when I have a real relationship". Haha! you wish. But I got out before getting any bubble stomach feelings. Puh. And we're still friends. But of course we'll probably not hang out as much anymore cause as soon as someone gets a "real relationship" (Gah, I hate it when they call it that) people tend to disappear. Btw, this is a dare. What do you say, London?
I guess I'm just trying to pick up the pieces and concentrating on my job plus of course Knutpunk.se which is on including "A week in Stockholm". This means that I've got up to 8 (!!) friends from all over, mostly German and Danish, at my place. Woho! Lovin' it.
Spring is finally here. I can feel it in the air. But there is something missing. I've said all winter long that "when spring finally comes, our feelings will thaw as the world thaws too." And they have. Not just to one person but to... the world? The feeling of being in love hits me several times per day or its more in the background without me being able to shout it down, but I've got no one on the receiving end which is sorta weird. But I guess for the better. I can focus my energy on other stuff. Such as Knutpunkt an larping.
Randomly spontaneously flirted with a cutie on the train yesterday though. Which is so not like me. Ok, people say I flirt all the time - even when I don't mean to. This thing started with me just being way to stubborn and feminist to look down when our eyes meet. And after a couple of cute winks, a few minutes "pretending to stare outside the window while looking at one another through the reflections" and a starring "contest" hir came over go chat.
"So what are you up to tonight?"
and I answered, "actually, I'm going out with a bunch of larpers to celebrate. You know what a larp is?"
And guess what, hir knew. We parted with a hug, not exchanging phone numbers but leaving with a smile. Everything that's required for a boost of self-esteem. Thank you. Whoever you are. Maybe we'll meet again, maybe we wont. However, I wish hir luck on grandma's funeral. And you're performance. Sending some thoughts your way, just so you know.
Note to self: Self-esteem doesn't come from someone else but from yourself. I don't have to tell you that, just wanted to clarify it once more.
Soundtrack: Yann Tiersen
Picture: Tussilago - one of our famous spring flowers.
There are certain thing you start noticing when one gets a full time job - that for someone like me who's been either travelling or studying haven't actually applied before.
The first two months are simply about work - Bed. (Hopefully this will change)
A glass of wine after work seems all the more important thing to do then ever before
Meeting your friends means you'll have to give up blogging or sleeping (as you'll notice, I haven't been bloggin')
My normal "to do" lists seem like nothing compared to what I have now
Most importantly - I'm constantly running out of underwear
Also, as soon as I have the time off work (and don't just fall into bed) I get über social, wanting (no, needing) to meet all sorts of people. Which is rather nice. Or like buying a bike and riding it the 30 kilometres home, straight through town! Just to prove to myself that I can and that spring is finally here.
But today, just for today, when the sun is shining and I'm actually taking it slow, finished work early (yes, I'm working strait through Easter) I'm watching a real cool show a friend of mine sent me. And really, its one of the best ones I've seen in a while. So If you've got the time to spare. Do check it out.
Heart: No. I've quit. No more cowards, no more heart breaks. I've had enough. Thank you. I'll tell you about it when I feel comfortable talking about what happened. But lets just say, I quit.
Beardyman - Live in the Underbelly: The full Show
Especially for those, who like myself, love Drum&Bass, Dubstep, Aphex Twin and all sorts of beatbox.
Quote of the day: "The more helpless the creature, the more that it is entitled to protection by man from the cruelty of man." - Mohandas Gandhi
Pictures: Bridget Jones underwear - not mine. My bike on one of the bridges in Stockholm, the ice is finally breaking up! Today I even saw the first flower. Yum.
I admit it, I've been having a slight addiction to Fortune cookies - the ones on the web - for quite a while now and love the irrational thoughts they randomly throw at you. And a lot of them do actually make me think. But I guess a lot of things make me "think" at the moment, all the while I'm trying hard to take action and letting go of things that simply aren't good for me.
The weekend before last I was at Prolog (http://lajvkonvent.se) which is a larp convention (and in this post I wont even get into what larp is, I think I've tried to explain it quite a few times already, there's always wiki if you've got no idea at all). Anyhow, I went to several larps but this one really got to me.
The game was about a bunch of friends who shared a flat together and their life. To summon it up in; The 70-tees, Free love, one monogamous couple and lots of hippies. The game in it self was brilliant and the new meta techniques were awesome but the best of all was the warm feeling I had (and still have) in my tummy of how it was (is?) to truely be loved and respected by your friends and partners. And even though I was just playing a character some of it stuck with me. The love. Oh, wow... I needed that love.
It made me see who my true friends are. And even though we might not talk to each other every day, we'll always be there for one another. The conclusion? I'm still working on it but dancing all Saturday night sure as hell helped. It always does. (Inc a cute girl I've been dating on and off this winter and who I've obviously offended without knowing how + a cute and very unexpected "getting lost in the moment" - episode at 5PM on the dance floor with someone else. But nothing makes a Saturday night complete without falling asleep on the train which made me that I actually missed my station 3 whole times! Got home at 7.30 AM.) This weekend? Göteborg!
And to tell ya the truth, I don't know if I believe in fortune cookies at all and for the most part they aren't even vegan so I wont eat them but you gotta admit - their kinda cute.
Heart: Quiet
Soundtrack: Talking to friends at Geek Woman United - after work
Quote of the day: Shakespear
"JULIET
O fortune, fortune! all men call thee fickle: If thouart fickle, what dost thou with him.
That is renown'd for faith? Be fickle, fortune;
For then, Ihope, thou wilt not keep him long, But send him back. (3.5.60-64)"
Never had a real full time job before. Not a proper one that isn't only during the summer. All of the sudden everything changes. And having two jobs, well... it might be just a bit to much. So I've decided to quit Guiding even though I kinda liked it I just don't have the energy for a 6 2/1 day week. 5 days (and all my projects) is quite enough, thank you. I guess it will take some time until I get used to all of this. I'm still wondering what "normal" people do or rather - how they do what they do.
Now for the confusing thing of joining the union... And picking a union too!
Heart: I'm cured. Tell you more about it later. But for now, the spell is broken and I'm free once more. Finally. With a calm warm feeling in my tummy.
Picture: SAC - the union I'm thinking of joining.
Soundtrack: Green Day - Working class hero
I'm done! I did it! In the total amount of 8 funckin' painful hours, divided into 5 sessions I finally finished it! And here is the result. My beloved tree. Posted n' all, just as I promised.
Soundtrack: Romeo and Juliet Op. 64, Act I: Introduction Spotify, I know but that's my soundtrack for the night.
Pictures: of me straitly after my tattoo finally was all done. Or I hope it is!!
Heart: Uhm, the "leap of faith" thing seemed to work? Or did it? No idea. However, I was brave enough to admit stuff. Good on ya.
Now: Sleep deprived, writing and packing up while my laundry was nicknacked by the evil time look and preparing myself for Prolog this weekend (tomorrow morning). A Swedish Larp convention. Yay! And I'm extremely nervous - organising one of the events, I'm writing a larp. Woah. "Christmas - 01" (2001) was my first and last one so I thought to myself, its about time. Behold. "Past. Present. Future." Here I come!
This is bullshit, utter and complete bullshit! I'm so sick of feeling sorry for myself. I guess I'm just not meant for winter, so even if I can't change the weather I should be able to change the way I feel about it? Its time to take a Leap of Faith.
To do:
1. Breathe
2. Try to get some sleep
3. Keep up with my projects even if I don't feel like them at the moment
4. Confess - Confide - Forgive - Let go
5. Get rid of "Winter" = Yoga + Larp + Dance
(6. Don't run. Just ask Zhe. Don't hide.)
Chickening our again? No. Its time for me to take a leap of faith. My heart is racing (like fuck...)
Picture: This picture is a gift for Zhe, Happy Birthday! We (me and Zhe) were taking a walk, hand in hand, in my home town of Stockholm in early December. Watching the sunset, talking and looking at all the great street art everywhere + some we had lots of fun urban exploring.
So I found out that poem, that lovely poem Zhe had written it was indeed about us (and posted on his blogg - in Swedish). Ok. Breathe. But what does it mean? What does it actually say? At the end of the day, to be quite frank, I haven't got a clue. But its nice. And if feels nice to be mentioned, to be someone's mind, to be written about and remembered. It feels... warm I guess is the best way to explain it.
Oh, btw. Zhe is not coming around this weekend. I sorta already knew, time optimist. But I'm not hurt, I'm not sad. Its ok. I'm still just so happy that Zhe actually wanted to meet up with me. To be completely honest, I'm quite relived. I'm not sure how I would have handled it. Besides, I'm in no condition to be all nice and loving towards anyone at the moment. Uhm, no. Rephrasing. I'm in no condition to be close to someone. Freakin' winter mood. If you haven't experienced the cold - both inside and outside - of Stockholm then uhm, I guess I just wont be able to wrap it into words either. Lets just keep to a simple explanation, a simple one - Winter.
Green: I'm so fuckin' pissed of at everyone wearing fur! And I'll leave you with the green homepage of the day. Wanna come and join in the fun and games with me? Its dressing the Olsen twins in fur coats.
Picture of me and Zhe: Sometimes I wonder, Are you really there at all? And if you are, do you wanna see me?
Gosh, how long have I not wanted for you to ask me that exact question? I've longed for you to want me, to ask me, to say you miss me. I don't Even if its only make belive. Pretend. I don't know. Anything. And when you finally asked I suddenly felt so fuckin' scared. I could feel my heart racing, not knowing what I should answer. If I say yes, will my heart get broken all over again? Would I be able to "survive" another merry-go-around?
And as always I've got a (frickin' irritating) thirteen year old little girl with a pink jumper runnin' around inside that confused head of mine, bubble happy;
- "Yes!!! Oh, yes! Yes we'd like to see you! Of course we do.. yes. I've longed for this for so long."
Yet there's a different voice making pretty damn sure I listen to hir, someone being all Gothic deep inside;
- "Do you really belive he's really telling the truth? Do you really think he's gonna make it this time? Are you willing to put your heart on the line again?"
As they keep fighting for my attention I just stand here, stunned, not knowing what to do. My instincts tell me to run. Hide. Duck & Cover. But my heart...
Just seconds after my initial answer of: "Uhm.. gosh. Oh. Yes. I guess." I could hear myself (chattin') answer;
- "Yes! Oh yes! More then anything.... even if its just for a second."
Am I really that desperate? Do I need Zhe to want me cause I feel like I can't even stand myself - winter is upon me. And how could Zhe stand to be around me when I don't want me around this time of year in the first place? He warned me that he was all winter and scared. Once again I could see myself saying even though I probably know not to,(still chatting cause we both know that we'd just break down and cry if we heard each others voices)
- "If you can accept the "Winter version of me" I'll accept yours."
But then again, "its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"?
Zhe wrote an absolutely beautiful poem today. I still wonder what it means though, if my mind is making up stuff just cause I long to hear it?
However, for some strange reason (probably cause I have the nicest couch surfer ever at my house at the moment) I'm all bubble happy on this sunny day at work. Actually liking my jobs and new colleges. So all in all - a good, somewhat confused me is rounding up the post of the day with a smile and a lot of hope for the future.
Soundtrack: Front Minor - Where'd you go
Picture: Random picture of a cool sign I found in Stockholm that sorta reflects my thoughts of what I'm all about at the moment. Cause at the end of the day we're nothing but "now". And right "now"... I'm gonna listen to that thirteen year old girl and I'm gonna follow my heart.
I knew that this years valentine was gonna be a hard one (just as they always are?) so I prepared myself by (way in advance) asking a good friend of mine if he wanted to be my (friend) valentine and he agreed. To make things clear - I don't actually believe in Valentines day but it sorta gets to me anyhow. Even though I know its all a big consumption conspiracy thing.
Anyway, we ended up at a friends house, his brothers to be specific, the 14th of February. The dreaded day. Sigh. Getting quite drunk. Which in this case was both a blessing and maybe, just maybe, not the most brilliant moment of my life. Each time the guys went out to take a smoke I ended up on Facebook looking though all of my old pics with me and Zhe being all happy. Gah! No! Bad idea. Is Zhe still thinking of me at all? Am I being to honest again? Reviling? Maybe. Private blogging och Pulic display.
Ha, here I go again. I miss "us" so bad. Still. So I made the huge mistake of writing Zhe (the one I really wanted to ask in the first place),
"I know I shouldn't ask but I'm going to anyways - will you be my valentine?".
My Secret Valentine. I even attached a this picture of an Relationship Anarchy heart that I'd stitched for Zhe but haven't finished yet. For obvious reasons. Yes. Embarrassing. I know. But now for the worst part. Realising what I was about to do I cancelled the email before it got sent, or at least I think I did. Drunk and fumbling. Nervous. I haven't got a clue if it actually was sent at all, if I managed to stop it or if Zhe has had this quite desperate little message of love in that inbox without replying for all this time. Woah! And my inner thirteen year old girl is about go to nuts. Not knowing. Wanting to know. Wanting to hide. But more then anything, wanting attention. My secret valentine managed to be secret even to me.
Never ending story? Gee, I don't know. Sure feels like it.
I'd thought I'd keep you a secret, cause all of these years you've been just that - My secret. Something I didn't talk about. Something I chose to forget. But you're not my secret to keep. You're no secret at all. Especially not My secret. Nor anyone else's for that matter. You're you. Ha. Sound so simple. Yet revealing it is so hard.
February is he worst month of the year. Not only is it winter, dark, has the all consuming guilt tripping day "Valentine" in it, its also home to an anniversary I'm about to revile. Its been ten years now, today. And I'd like to say "I remember it as yesterday" but I don't. I've tried to forget but you're something I can't deny. Just as so many others before me I spent years blaming myself for what happened. But I know that... Actually I don't. I've got no clue of why you did it. Why you left us.
Going back in time, specifically 2 weeks and 10 years back in time. I was at a Kendo or Naginata lesson and you were there, hanging out. Watching. Wanting to participate. I said "sure, come along next time." And even though you lived in the complete opposite of town you followed me home, said that you liked me and I... I said I though that you were sweet but I did't "like you". I think I must have tried so hard to extinguish this part of the story, so hard, cause its all "milky" and almost to faint to grasp a hold of at all. However I do remember not being able to stop thinking about you and saying to myself that the next time you'd call, I'd say that I'd like you too. But you never did call me again.
2 weeks later I was roleplaying with a couple of friends in your part of town, wondering where you were. We heard a noise coming from the front door but didn't bother to check it. But as I was about to leave we found a book that you'd borrowed a couple of weeks before, in the hallway. You'd pushed it through the mailbox and left if three for us to find. I remember us running out into the streets, with only socks on our feet trying to find you but it was already to late. As I went home the subway was our of order and I took the bus. But I kept on having a bad feeling, that something was wrong, so I turned around and went back. Praying to whoever would listen to me that my suspicions were all wrong.
My friends said that they'd seen the firemen and ambulance at the subway station talking to each other. "Did you get all the pieces?". I prayed so hard I could swap places with you, so hard. That if it was true, that if you'd done the unspeakable in that tunnel that I'd be able to trade places with you.
A couple of hours later we went over to your house, talked to your mother and I walked into your room. "He was just taking the trash out and having an evening walk." she said. I remember your bright 70tees yellow flower wallpaper in that tiny room. I remember your mum showing me a piece of paper on your desk, saying where and when you were meeting me 2 weeks prior. And the question on everyone's mind is why? I still don't know. You were very depressed. Had some heavy medication going on which the doctors, years later, found out made one suicidal. Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe me saying no and waiting to long to take it back had something to do with it.
You smoked Lucky Strike. They found a package of it lying next to you in the tunnel. Next to your head I imagine. You're decapitated head. Cause you didn't jump in front of the train, no. You wandered into the tunnel. Took your belongings out, placed them neatly beside the rail. And made sure that you were in the perfect position before the train came. Decapitated. For some strange reason, I always admired that about you. Your determination. You knew what you wanted to do. And you did it. Even though I never understood fully why, you made perfectly clear to everyone else that this was not just a spring of the moment thing. Sometimes I still wish I could have swapped places with you, secretly. Just as I keep you a secret for all of these years. But as the blizzard keeps on hitting the world outside of my window I decide to reveal my secret. You.
And as far as suicide goes, whether or not its a decision which one is allowed to make completely on ones own, I'll leave it - the topic - without any more comments for now.
Total. Got lots of topics but can't seem to get it down in print. Or in clear - for others - coherent thoughts. So I'll leave with a quick status update instead cause just as always, a lot has happened.
Heart: Broken. Nothing new. Everything New. Think I might have pissed of Zhe the other day. Want to be able not to care but I do. Even though I know better then to say "I'm sorry" I kinda sent hin a mail like that today, hmm. Wonder if Zhe will reply though.
Job: Haven't got one. Got two!! Starting tomorrow I'm gonna be taking calls and answering emails on a regular basis at a company sorta close by. Ok job and hopefully a nice team of people to hang out with at lunch time. They seemed sweet enough anyways. And I also got a job as a guide which means I have to take classes until I start working in May. Sure thing. I must admit, I'm a bit worried though. Going from unemployed 'n free to 6 1/2 days work per week (seems to be the case at the moment). Puh. But the best part is - both are in German/English/Swedish all at once. Yay!
Winter: Sucks.
Soundtrack: German streaming web radio. Trying to get in to a German frame of mind.
Picture: of my newest add to the tattoo family. I never could tell left from right and I've been thinking of getting a tattoo that will sorta always tell me which one's which. And I finally got it.
Usually my thinking process and design takes ages but on the bus to my dear beloved friend (since -98 we realised) who's alo my tattooist, I had a sudden flash of brilliance and decided then and there that I was gonna get it. Three small red dots on my left wrist. (Yes, Inspired by Christiania - the Anarchistic part of Copenhagen, Denmark but not the logo.^^ ) Left (Socialist). Anarchia. Fight.
I never got the whole "have a green and a red glove". However I'm very well aware of politics and in Sweden the right parties are blue and the ones on the left side are... guess what? Red. (I'm green red black I should add.)
And another Element to my list, Fire. (I've already got water, spirit and earth. Air is missing but to be honest, my logical side is missing too. (air often stands for logic and in my opinion also Wise Mind.)
A couple of months ago I heard that a hmm, should I say acquainted (?) died whom I've meet at a couple of party's back in Nelson. He was a great guy (yeah yeah I know, we always tend to say that when they're dead but this guy really was). And now I've still got him as a Facebook Friends. In fact, that's how I got to know that he'd passed on and I was even able to watch his burial, streaming all the way over here. Strange. I'll send you a thought and a little prayer in what ever religion or non religion you want, my dear. R.I.P.
Then a thought crossed my mind. In the age of "keep computers private filled with data instead of real papers", how and what will people do when we die? I always imagined that someone would read my dairy's. I mean, why not? I'm dead. Might as well get to know all the good juicy stuff? Or not? What is sacred anyways? What secrets do we get to keep until we're either put six feet under ground or in a hot flaming oven? And how about all those emails, communities, bank accounts not to mention the computer itself. Should we let our loved ones get access to them after we've past on? How can we keep our password safe but not from the grave? And what should or should not be relieved? No matter where we are in life or death. Hmm, it might be time (and I'm not planing on dying but neither did this guy and he was about my age, actually a few years younger and a frequent traveler) to start thinking about hiding a password that will unlock other passwords behind a password secret spot that will get accessed by another password which I will revile to... whom...? R.I.P. to all of those secrets never having the pleasure of getting in the way of peoples lives/ability to move on.
Heart:Had some contact with Zhe the other day. Feels like I'm starting all over again with the grieving period, gee thanks. And the worst part was that he said everything that I wanted to hear, almost everything at least. And yes, both still in love. Having my thirteen year old girl and that goth person screaming, running around in circles inside my head. Saying all sorts of stuff that I'm not sure I wanna hear and I sure as hell don't want to believe in - again. I just want to realize that I've been a controlling bitch, let go and move on. Whining over for this session. R.I.P. little heart.
Picture: From a Urban Exploration adventure years ago. And to all of those dead dolls we've found in that tunnel, R.I.P.
Soundtrack: The pitter patter of my thoughts spinning around late at night. Password or no Password. R.I.P
Nomb. Trying to fight back those tears. As soon as I think its over they start all over again but I wont cry anymore. I've had enough. That's it. My heart is closed for business.
A friend of mine said : "What you need is to cry, and shout, and dance, and fight. Preferably all at once." Yeah, I should. I guess. But believe me when I say that at the smallest little things, I break down and cry.
"Nothing hurts like Hope" is written on my wall, thanks to another friend.
Nightmare: Heaps 'n Heaps! I usually fall asleep before I hit the pillow but this whole week has just been a struggle, tossing and turning. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall asleep again. Vivid nightmares and feeling restless altogether. However, I'd gotten "The Sandman" (wiki) form the library yesterday and gosh, it felt oddly comforting falling asleep with Morpheus in my hands.
Job: Third interview, still no answer from any of them though. Humpf.
Person of the day: Mr. Smith who wanted to throw up when he saw what actually happens inside the slaughter houses, even the ones in Sweden. And also watched Earthlings with me last week.
I thought I'd give you a private tour of my little head today. I should warn you though, there's heaps of whining, negative thoughts and the occasional sour comment.
Feels like I'm banging my head against the wall, going around in circles. I just can't seem to move on. But I guess Zhe has, untagged us (ha, yeah I know I'm thirteen) in one of our pictures. So why keep on dreaming?
A pessimist confronted with two bad options will chose both. A realist confronted with two bad options knows better then to chose and will whine "when" they both occur.
Guess which one I am?
The "Quote" is made up by me, feel free to come up with a better phrase or comment. However, I got inspired by Smithis blog.
Completely unmotivated to everything the past week. Spending way to much time in my little room, my little cocoon. Rapped up in my thoughts and an overdose (is that even possible?) of Gilmore Girls. Winter time in Sweden, yay? Nope. Even though I must admit - the snow is absolutely beautiful. That winter wonder land outside my window is just a bit to much to handle though. Everything is frozen in time. My (non existing) relationship with Zhe. My friends back in Göteborg which I so wanna see again but rather not hitch below zero again (1900 kilometres was quite enough). Sweden is lovely in the summer but the rest of the year? Nah, I so (need?) wanna get out of here.And out of my sour feeling sorry for myself mood. Humpf.
Give me a job and I'm yours, Baby!
Picture: Zhe's picture which hir untagged us from.
The Winter Wonder Land - The playground I where I usually hang out in summer time.
Soundtrack: Well, its a bit embarrassing but I've come to appreciate all sorts of different music over the last year so here it is, soundtrack of the day is, behold, Beyoncé - Halo. Cause there's nothing like a Queer dance floor to change your mind. Got picked up by a cute girl at last summers Gay underwear party at Högkvarteret (or it got turned into that club later on). Thanks! Today its dedicated, oh my... You'll never guess? [Blank]
Nightmare: Yup. Can't remember what it was about but know I had some.
I was interviewed the morning after "Hit the Production" demonstration in Copenhagen - 13th of December 2009. These are my reflections... And me caught on camera! Gosh, I don't know whether to run and hide or smile. Gosh, I just look so exhausted and I'm not used to speaking in front of a camera at all. Talking way to fast, acting all nervous + of course, Mr. n' Mrs. pronunciation and vocabulary kindly waited outside my head to let me make a public fool out of myself. Even better, now I'm posting it on my blog?! Gee, another brilliant idea? One never knows. Well, my own private hall of shame/fame - Here I come.
THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE
| COPENHAGEN TURNS INTO A POLICE STATE | Part 1
THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE
| COPENHAGEN TURNS INTO A POLICE STATE | Part 2
THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE
| COPENHAGEN TURNS INTO A POLICE STATE | Part 3
Picture: Me having a Dread Head moment. And if you look carefully you can spot the huge as tree tattooed on my back.
Soundtrack: Perfect Circle - Sleeping beauty (Lyrics)
I know I've used it as my soundtrack before but its an classic and the video, fan made btw, is just brilliant. Besides, it sorta fits in perfectly with... oh gosh, here comes the melodramatic drama queen, my situation with Zhe. I. I. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Heart: Confused. Really confused. I replied Zhe's mail (just as I mentioned in my a previous post) Haven't gotten an answer to that one yet but, yes... we ended up chatting for a bit a couple of days ago. You know the drill, "I miss you, I'm still in love with you, this hurts like fuck". Gee. Thanks. Never could have guessed that one. Gosh, what ever am I going to do with you? (or with me for that matter?)
A good friend of mine said;
- "All the bad stuff and none of the good stuff. Genious."
- "Huh? none of the good?" I replied.
- "Yes, ponder this: if you've got a messed up relationship with Zhe then you'll at least get to be around hir. At the moment though, you're sitting all alone in your room, missing Zhe AND hurting. So none of the good stuff but all of the bad."
- "haha... yeah, you're right. I guess."
Thinking of moving to Göteborg, want to real bad. Although its sorta giving up on Stockholm, isn't it? Or is it just me wanting to hit the road again? In need of a new place? Something to get my mind of things? As far away from Zhe as I can get but hir knows all of the people in Göteborg too so... Been hiding from the world for the last week or so, not knowing what to do or where to go. Got another job interview here in town and I don't know what I want anymore. Torn between realities.
What happened next has been described as torture by the legal council I visited directly after I got out. I didn't understand what was happening in the begining. All the sudden I had a hard time breathing, it hurt. And as I looked around my cellmates (cagemates) held pieces of cloth over their mouths and noses. Trapped and with no were to go the cops (after firmly holding our door in place again) used pepper spray to calm us down. Everyone took the blankets and put them up against the bars, tor the benches from the walls and made even more noise. But just as in a previous quote, "To calm people with pepper spray is just as effective as trying to calm a cat by shoving custard down its anus". It didn't exactly help. Pepper Spray? The cops are actually using peppers spray on us? I couldn't believe it. This was just not happening. And for those of you who don't know, just like I didn't, pepper spray spreads throughout the room and will stay there for quite some time not just affecting one person but the whole lot of you. Which meant that we were all breathing in pepper spray for the next couple of hours. Needless to say, I got a bad rash covering my body afterwards which took about 3 or 4 days until it went away.
But the best part was when everyone started chanting at the top of their lungs "This is what Democracy looks like!!!" which resulted in even more pepper spray... And hey, I'm all for democracy. Its just that this, that we're calling Democracy and keep on forcing everyone in the world to convert to - well, come on you guys! Its just not it. This is what "your" democracy looks like, wanna come and check out the real thing? Or try some Anarchism on for a change? Some real, sweet beautiful Anarchism. There is a whole lot more to it then media wants us to believe. Remember "Freedom of Speech"? "They" obviously don't.
Eventually the riot police stormed us, stormed all the cages (at least on the woman side) and took away everything. Pressing us up against the wall and threatinging us with their weapons. They even took away our water. Shortly afterwards all the woman were transfered to the other side of the hall were the men were keeped. Of course still seperate but these cages had thicker bars - haha! They didn't count on us actually being able to break out. HAHAHAHA! you know what, we're just as pissed off as these guys are!
No water, no warmth, no food and the general freeling of hoplessness spread through out the room. After about six hours we were set free, fresh air had never smelled so good to me! There's a new law in place that got passed just before the COP15 in Denmark. It means that the Police has the right to a so called "preventive arrest". (1,2, wiki) Which basically means that they can arrest anyone for anything and say that the persons were planning on making trouble later on. You don't even have to have anything ileagl on you!! And yes, the Police actually stop people on the streets to check them. Randomly.
The new Law says that people from Denmark can be held in custady for up to six hours without any real reason and of course longer if they want to. Foriners can be there for twelve hours. but we we're lucky, the gang on the night before had been there for twelve hours and got fed meat. (Arrested at the big demonstration 12 Dec 2009). Hey, we're environmentalists! A lot of vegans if you hadn't noticed?? They also had to sit on the grownd for several fuckin' freezing hours before getting on the busses that transported them to the prision. And a lot of them were set free after an hour on the bus too, not enough space to hold them all. Gosh. And this was a planed arrest too!!
Heaps of info out there about that one, here's a quick youtube:
Heart Status: I finally got up the nerve and replied that email I got from Zhe about a week ago. (I'd sent a short reply saying I'd get back when I knew what to write as soon as I read it and now I sorta worked out what to say, more or less.) I guess now its my turn to wait again. But I don't even know if there is gonna be an answer to this one. Or what type of answer I want. Still all confused inside and... in love.
Nightmare's: Heaps. I stayed at Electroboy's house before hitching back to Stockholm and I hadn't been asleep for more then a minute or two when the first one hit me. And then they kept on coming all night. Every night. I don't know what I'm afraid of but it sure as hell isn't funny anymore.
Person of the Day: A random anonymous comment I got about my blog, thanks. Your thoughts and words mean a lot to me.
Soundtrack: The Streets and anything else British Bitter Trip-Hop sounding. Make's me frown, smile and pout while trying to sing along. It also seems to numen the heartache, only one draw back though, numens everything else too - with extensive listening.
And just as I thought I had figured out a way to get over Zhe, just plain "let it hurt" and "accept" I got a mail from him. Saying how much he missed me ect. Gah! i don't even know what to say, what to feel. I'm still so in love. Humpf.
People of the day: Berget in Göteborg.
Soundtrack: Eddie Izzards laughter.
City of the Day: göteborg
Event of the day: New Years eve
Secret of the day: I finally got up the guts - Dreads!!! That's why my hair is totally messed up ;p
Picture of the Day: me hitching in Sweden.
Year of the day: 2009
Addictions: Travel + Hitch hiking, tea, art, dance, larp, play, cartwheels, my cell phone, music, the road, computers n' internet
Politics: Green-Veggie-Queer-Anarchist-Socialist
Loves: Animals&Nature, dark chocolate, warm hands, Urban Exploration, hitch-hiking, demonstarting, creating stuff/art, dancing, runnin' through the grass bare feet, adventures
Hates: to freeze, winter, autumn, losing control, my conscience, Falling in Love
Scared of: insects, the dark, Pennywise the Clown, Losing control, deep water, meat, freedom of will and not having freedom of will, the entrapment of a "relationship" (I'm a Relationship Anarchist), capitalism
Massive Attack, Queen, AFI, Takida, CombiChrist, Björk, Coheed & Cambria, Lacuna Coil, Deine Lakain, Bush, Pink, Rammstein+Tatu-kombo, Juli, Covenant, VNV Nation, Soulfly, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Silbermond, K-pist, Tool, Stabbing Westward, Within Temptation, Smashing Pumkins, The Used, Skillet, Architecture in Helsinki, Säkert!, Detektivbyrån, Fall out boy, Kate Nash, Freak Kitchen, Hello Saferide, Gwen Stefani, Eskalator, GoGol Bordello, Muse, Fall out boy, Shout Out Louds, Antony and the Johnsons, Blink 182, Rage agains the machine, Skunk Anansie, Arcade Fire, Silverchair, Kent, Dntl, Kora, Minuit, Sidewalk, Ladi 6, Lykke Li, Lamb, Lama, Stay Ali, Dubstep+Drum&bass, Mint Royal, Sigur Rós, Fat Freddy's Drop, Katchafire, The Black Seeds, Sidewalk, Joel&Joakim... and much more.
