Ha, but what's real? Not a lot in my life. Not according to real people with real jobs. But what the fuck, I'm back on top of my game. I just got a room! Yay me! Fuck yeah! Got a lot of larps, travelling and projects to keep a close eye on within the near future. Going to Göteborg on Thursday for a sweet reunion with the "White Trash gang" and so on.
So I got a room, I got a sorta job or I got enough money to pa my bills and eat, I've got heaps to do and my horrible crush is finally letting me go. (I was the one having the crush, hate it when that happens.)
And the larp "Krigshjärta III" was pretty good in the end anyways, I had some real cool scenes, so called meta scenes, where we go outside the game and freeform what could be thoughts, dreams, memories or anything else that wants to get out. Sweet as. Thanks to Tarick, my family, Lukas and all the rest - you know who you are.
My Family at the larp.
Oh, and did I mention? I've got a room!!! Haha, nah but seriously. I've been looking for ages and this one I can afford and I move in next week. Mint!
Colder nights, real windy and before you know it - Autumn will be here. And my panic with it. I thought I could stand the cold this time, I thought I could handle the darkness but I'm thinking I might be fooling myself. Just another method of calming my nerves, not having a place to live or anything to do really. It feels like my entire being is in chaos. Just as always I might point out - there is always a certain amount of chaos in my life but when it turns sour... It feels like I'm running away if I give up on Sweden at the moment, not having fulfilled the stuff I needed to do here (trying to find out what my sexuality is, learning to say no and getting my body to function properly again?). But as soon as I start to feel that cold wind upon my skin I can feel the old panic setting in. Soon the leafs will have turned in all shades of red and die. I need to have green around me, I need to be able to see that summer fresh green every day.
But the biggest fear of it all is that with the Fall coming it means that reality is coming, the cold dark one that hits you in the head and says its time to grow up. Its time to get going with your life. I've worked so hard to get rid of all of that. Please don't make me go back there. I'm scared shitless of a 9-5 job, a stylish apartment with a long term lease and a steady partner. Thatäs what everyone else calls life - I call it prison or maybe even hell.
The fucking larp is as always taking up way to much of my energy and commitment. I really just want to run away, now.
...things couldn't get worse. They of course did. One of my relationships seams to have turned really sour and even though I really believe that we could salve this somehow its not doable right now even though we still love each other. Fuck this shit!!
After having dinner with a sweet girl yesterday I crashed at her place but woke up in the middle with a bad nightmare and huge tears running down my cheeks. I really need to get out of here. If it wasn't for that damn larp I'd pick up my things right now and run again.
Trying to take it one day at a time. Just one more day. No more whining for now.
I've been a vegetarian on and off (off cause of horrible rfealationships where I wasn't allowed to be a veggie) since I was 13 and now for about 3 years until I noticed something just a few weeks ago. I was getting a headache and nausea each time I was close to milk but as I really liked oat milk I had that for a few days and the problems went away - so now days I'm a lactose intolerant vegetarian with a dream of becoming a vegan (which I'm in a practical scene am). Yay! I avoid milk products in any way I can. Cheese has been out of the question for some time now cause it almost always contains rennet which is made out of cows stomach. Iiiijou! No, Thanks!
I'm sorta' getting ill again. Surprise? Nope. The larp I'm going to in a week is all fucked up and I've got way more to do then I'm ok with. Lots of shitty things happening outside the larp itself, people not liking each other and that stuff. Grr.
Still no home, no job but maybe maybe a place where I can have some practical training which allows me to look for more work and get some references. Holding every thumb I can find. Bubbles and confusion everywhere. Stress. Food doesn't really seam to be a good idea at the moment, including sleep which I've rarely got time for. Still in a total state of "fuck - the festival week with all my friends has come to an end" and missing everyone.
A total confusion on sexuality or being close to people. Not much different from yesterday I guess. Just a tad more stressful.
Enough whining for today, chaotic life. Yay! I'm somewhat surprised that I'm not falling yet. Keep the good work up? Hoping for it.
I've been way to busy to write anything here, up and down just as usual I guess. I've been out on the road to lots of different events and festivals for the last month. To a larp which sucked in the game way but I had a couple of great experiences and meet some beautiful people. It was called Tueolenas Port and was in a fantasy setting - I'm so over larping in those worlds but as I said, the people - you know who you are - made my larp. =)
When I got home I got back on track with the cold I got on the Arvika Festival, of course. And as I thought that I'd concurred that one I hitched down to Göteborg to meet up with the crew from the larp. Worked at a Medieval festival, lived in a trailer from the not so great parts of the sixties? With 6 people, crammed in and of course we had to be the White Trash gang. Fuck, I'm so in love with all of these crazy lovin' beautiful people who just adopted me into their crew and as the festival progressed they even made a official (?) welcoming ceremony that went something like this; after drinking way to much of G's Whisky I tumbled around with one of the boys having a play-fight when Electroboy pins me down, G sits on the other side looking the other arm and Charms gets on top and starts pouring wine in my mouth - "Welcome to Gothenburg!!". And if I hadn't laughed all the way I'd probably would have been really pissed of - but I love these guys! Ha! I've sworn revenge though. Watch out!
Hitched back to Stockholm where I fell down on the couch and got real ill again, this time I went to the doctor - got real strong medicine and went blank for the two weeks. Gah! Fucking cold! Morphine, bad as painkillers and penicillin. Choho??
But as the Pride Festival in Stockholm was booming in the streets I'd gotten all better again and partied as much as my somewhat torn body would allow and even meeting some pretty girls, yum! You know who you are ;p.
Packing my gear again I went back in time once more and to an island outside of Sweden named Gotland to the Medieval city called Visby where there's an absolutely fantastic festival every year. A week filled with Medieval music, everyone is dressed up and partying all week long. I sold a lot of my gloves that I've been needlebinding.
Finally confirmed that the bubbles I'd been feeling for the last few weeks for a person were way to real. Fuck this! I'm not game. I'd decided to go against all festival scene, the same as I've made as a rule all summer long, and had a no sex rule for myself (which I on occasion don't give a fucking rats ass about). To much shit is going on. Way to queer, way to insecure with what I want in bed to even try and get my head wrapped around it at the moment. I just know that I'm not game for the heterosexual stuff anymore even though I've seam to have no problems falling for boys I'd rather not have sex with them or I'd rather they take care of "that one down there" on their own, kinda. Or what the fuck, I don't know anymore. Wierd. So what about the "Real Men" - uhm... No way!!
I just got back this morning from Gotland and am way to emotional and messed up to really be writing anything that makes sence I guess. The party's, the people, the hanging out, the shows. Living in an absolutely fabulous flat that was in a total state of Hippieness all week long complete with sauna after party's. The White trash/Göteborgs gang, the Arabs and all the rest... Gah! I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you all. And yes, as you might have guessed at this state of no sleep I am actually having way to many tears in my eyes to write this shit. Fuck missing people!
What sucks even more is that summer is nearly over, its gonna be warm for a bit longer but reality is gonna hit me at the latest in about two weeks even though its really close now. And I haven't got a clue of what the fuck I'm gonna do with my life. I don't have anywhere to live, no job and no school. What to do? I really don't know. So I guess its back on the road? Well if I don't find anything soon I'll be leaving again I guess but that would feel more like I was running away and not going to something. And btw, it doesn't feel like I'm "back" in Sweden - this is where I need to be at the moment to get a grip of my life. This is me going forward, thank you. And no, I'm not done travelling. I've just realised that something's need to be sorted out with friends close by and in a environment that doesn't hate woman, non heterosexuals and veggies.
Music of the day: Evanescence (with all of its tears, with all of its fake goth shit going directly into my vein's.) Bubble of the day: Confidential. Pictures will come up later, I just have to run and find that hug from Cat right now...
Warning, one more of those NZ stories. If you're reading the notes on my facebook they're automatically streamed and not at correct as my blog. Check out the page: http://isobelll.blogspot.com
I love adventure! So when I was hitching upwards from Wellington on the North Island of New Zealand in February 2009 I asked the driver if they had any idea of where I could stay that night. Any Cool Beaches close by? Waitarere was my answer. Sweet. A couple of hitches later I was at a camp site close by the beach and heard the story about this Forrest - it was suppose to be one of the places they'd filmed Gollum, not that I was to interested in finding the spots. That was not why I travelled New Zealand. (But I must admit that Mount Doom was pretty awesome!).
However my bankcard wouldn't work and the camping site was pretty expensive anyways so I went to the local store to get some cash out. As I asked the guy behind the counter if he knew anywhere where I could crash in my tent for the night without having to pay he look with huge eyes at me like he'd never heard of such a thing. But the lady, with a little daughter, behind me in line spoke up and said "Why don't you come and stay on our lawn?" Sure, sweet!
As we walked off she explained that her neighbour was out of town and I might just as well use his house, a couple of minutes later she said that she had a guest house - that they normally rented out for people on longer vacations - and I might just as well stay in there. Ha!! As we got to her place she quickly put a beer in my hand, said hi to her husband and started making dinner - vegetarian of course! They were really happy to hear my stories and said that they knew someone in Sweden who's stayed with them before.
After dinner me and the lady went to the beach, oh the beautiful beach, and checked out the sunset. Mm. We said our goodnights and I went to drink some tea, yeah! There was tea in my own little cabin with a real bed and shower. As I was writing up my adventures for the day in my Diary which I'd try to keep up to date the house suddenly started shaking. WTF?! I got real scared and ran outside after struggling ot get the door open. No one but me out in that dark night. And after a while it stopped. Shit. Is it gonna start again? Is there a big one coming on? What was the right thing to do? Why hadn't I researched this a bit better before coming to this Earthquake country? After a while I fell asleep, still scared but ok. Nothing, from what I know, got broken. But much later I found out that it had been a 4 on the Richter scale. Shit! Scary stuff!
Next morning I made my way into the Forrest and tried to find Gollum, or his remains. I never did but the Forrest sure was creeping me out. And I came up with the brilliant idea that I'd cross the low bushes that stretched about 400 meter from the Forrest edge to the beach. Couldn't be to hard could it? Guess again! With a narrow undergrowth and some thorns I soon understood why most, clever anyways, people stay out of these bushes. And as always I as way to stubborn to turn back. About an hour later I'd crossed, crawled, slide and climbed my way to the beach with a fair few cuts and bruises. Children, don't try this at home!
The Gollum Forrest
The 400 meters of Bush between the Forrest and the ocean, doesn't look to hard does it?
Me on video in that Forrest talking about whats been going on.
And Finally, The Beach. Doesn't look to impressive on photo but fuck, that thing keep going for miles and miles in each direction and even though the water was less then "yay, lets go swimming - temperature" I walked along the shore for quite a while.
Today's Person: Everyone who invites a total stranger into their home and hearts. I'll be forever thankful for your help!
Fore those of you who read the automatically streamed notes in Facebook, this is my real blog address: http://isobelll.blogspot.com where you can actually see the videos. =)
Getting another cold, having my days again and all at once while I was suppose to be trying out a new job today. I called in sick. Not really being able to swallow. Can't taste anything. Drinking way to little. Watching the Michael Jackson memorial and missing him. I also found my old band T-Shirt. Or I did a couple of weeks ago actually. I was getting ready for that larp that I went to when I needed to have about 10 love letters with me that my character was suppose to have written and I hand no inspiration at all. So I googled old love letters and put on some heartbreaking old music that I used o listen to when I was a teen. Of Course Michael Jackson was a huge part of my lie when I was about 12 (?). And I've never stopped loving his music. So with "Will you be there" in my ears I finally got to write the letters.
There are lots of cool (?) punkers at my place most of the days, mainly cause two of them live here and amongst a lot of other thing they got their love for different band T-Shirts in common. And I didn't wanna be left outside so I found my old band T-Shirt which I've started to use and nightshirt over the last months and put it on. This was about 3 weeks ago. Then I went to the larp, way out in the Forrest without any connection to the outside world. It started at June the 25 where I turned of my cell and the modern world. As soon as the larp ended - the guy my character had written those love letter to - told me that Michael was dead. What? Nah! That can't be true.
It didn't hit me until last night when I watched the Memorial live stream via CNN. Shit, there's the casket. The living room - where I live - was once again filled with the punks playing some video game about killing zombies or rather one was playing it while the rest of the four were glued to the screen in amazement. And later on the homo-erotic boxing game at least made it possible for two of them to play at the same time. Not that I can understand why its so much fun Watching someone Else killing things. But hey, life's got a fair few mysteries left, don't you thing?
So as they were playing I watched the Memorial in my computer corner with headphones and as Michaels brother came on the show singing "Smile" tears stared filling my eyes. He'd touch many of our life's for the last 4 decades and it doesn't even matter if the accusations against him are true or not (but as an old fan I never believed them) I couldn't care less about his private life but I truly loved his music (even though Michael only did a cover on that song once). The evening went on and more and more of the old classics and lots of speeches, often way to long, were streamed into my laptop. It might have been my having a bad cold, getting my period and all of that mess but I truly cried. And as Paris, his 11 year old daughter said "Daddy, I love you" all of us (the fans) cried. So I guess, Thanks Michael for making great music. And even though I really don't believe in God I do hope that you find the rest you so deserved. Come to think about it it somehow already felt like he died lots of years ago, no offence intended. So when the body caved I wasn't surprised. I hope he had at least some happy years at the end. It must have been really hard for him. Ha, so now you know another (big) secret, I'm one of those old MJ fans - might not have been the first guess considering what I'm listening to now days. Or well, I think I've sort of come full circle and can appreciate lots of the old tunes, found my "Hip Hop Nerve" and love the sweet funk again.
Movie of the Day: Revolutionary Road - watched it a second time today, its a real good one! The Characters are well played and feel very realistic. Song of the Day: Depeche Mode - Home When that song came on live at Arvika Festival I finally "understood" Depeche Mode.
The pressure was on! Come on, give me the last day! And you failed? What? I fell asleep to "Anna Ternheim" who's real sweet but way to slow for a festival, didn't even bother going to Jenny Wilson cause I knew it was gonna be sort of the same. Then the third girl started singing with one of those cute voices and I almost went berserk. I would have if I wasn't so tired. Even to tired to go to "Mustasch" and I saw some of "Fleet Foxes" which was really nice but once again way to slow.
Thåström was really nice though, even if he was slow as fuck too.
Thåström on stage, with two left pary flags in the middle of the audience =). Probably most know for his old song, I think in some other group, "Die Mauer". But my favourite one is: "Fan Fan Fan".
After Thåström I went to go see DAF which were supose to be real good, but fuck no! Horrible! It might be that people don't know enough German to understand their lyrics but thas shit? Fuck no! With song like "I want, I want, I want that my heart will pump as long as it can". WTF?? And just as I got there he said something about going "right" politically or I felt like he was saying that jsut after I'd been to Thåström reminding us all how important socialism is. Two thumbs down for DAF - the horrible electro monoton boring band with brainless lyrics.
The end of the Festival for me was with the band "Korn" which I've listened to since I was about 14, not frequently but still. =) They knew how to pull of a show.
I woke up a 8 AM in a boiling tent, with sweet sunshine and a need for a bath. Our camp went to the close by sea and went swimming even though it didn't make a lot of difference - the water was 26 C!! Spent some time with my mum and ad a huge pizza =). As she left I started drinking and the first show of the day was Welle:Erdball. I'd seen them before but this time they were really good, the show was cool and it brought back lots of memories. And in the middle of the show they added lots of pink balloons that went bumping throw the audience - sweet!
Next concrete for me was "Bob Hund" which I've sort of heard on the raido but never really listened to and wow, they were great! Definitely one of my new favourites bands. Happy, jolly with dry Swedish humour and a lot of political messages.
The singer in Bob Hund - he was a real performer! One of their new (?) songs: Folkmusik för folk som inte han bete sig som folk Kinda translated: People's for people that can't behave like people.
Next one up was Depeche Mode!!! Wow, never thought I get to see them live. Just as Bob Hund I hadn't heard to much of them more then their hits but wow, the live show was great.
They really knew how to satisfy an audience. And had some cool things to say aswell. Their most famous song is probably: Personal Jesus
The surprise of the day was Fever Ray who I never heard before but sooooo goood!
Fever Ray had a real cool laser show.
This is a video of the concert but if you rather wanna hear a good version of the song, look further down.
So I went to the Arvika Festival and - of course - had a blast. Not as I thought it would be but real good anyways. I stayed clear from almost all the flirting and concentrated on the music and my camp.
I was lucky enough to drive a small bus from Stockholm to Arvika which was great, only problem was that even though a guy knew that we were going the wrong way didn't say anything. So we made a D-tour that took about 2 ? hours? Gah! But once we got there everything was sweet. The bus was used as Depeche Modes transportation the following day =). But I didn't drive it.
So the Acts? Wow! They were great!
The Festival stated of with having a huge hug with my mum, drinking champagne and going to see one of my favourite bands "Detektivbyrån". Yay!
Mum and me outside my "new" tent I got for 75 kr at an odd shop so that I didn't have to bring my good one along.
Second band of the day was "Röyksopp" a Norwegian electronic duo (?) which are pretty good but I was more in the mood for beer with Mum so I listened with half an ear and concentrated on my beer. Cause Nine Inch Nails were gonna come on stage soon. We'd bought some, which we otherwise never do, band t-shirts and had "NIN" written over out chests.
Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor again. He's a one man band who makes all the music and under the name of "Nine Inch Nails" tours with a band to preform his music.
Neither me or Mum could get anything else in our heads or hearts after that show so we went talking for a bit and on towards a good nights sleep. At my camp sight there were lots of people everywhere partying just like it should be on a festival and just as I was gonna crawl inside my sleeping bag some people placed a HUGE stereo outside my tent and started to dance frenetically to some sort of house. I thought I might have troubles sleeping or try to talk to them to move the that thing and their party somewhere else but hey, I can sleep throw anything. It just meant that I dreamt about dancing. =)
Me as Mother Tyra at the larp, Kalle Lanzt is the fabulous photographer!
I'm promising to report back later but the status right now is that I've come home from Tueonelas Port which was a larp, loved and hated it at the same time and am going - ridiculously early - to the Arvika festival tomorrow morning to see Nine Inch Nails, Depeache Mode and Korn amongst others. And NIN with my Mummy!! So I'm coming back to ya about everything later on, as soon as I'm back in town.=)
My third day in Ayutthaya I spent looking at a castle complex, rather boring even if there were some cool spots. To clean, to western and to neat. I wanna see the real Thailand. I rented a bike for the afternoon and checked out the Elephants.
Arriving at the Elephants, I'm no expert in how they're suppose to be kept but I'm not to sure if this is the worst or the best.
They've got shade anyways. It takes me a while to decide if I wanna support this place or not by me being there. No entrance fee only 50 baht for taking pictures, a fair deal.
Then the baby elephants came along and I couldn't resist any more. Bought some food for them and was nearly pushed into a pond by their wild attempts to get at my food.
Everyone drinks coke but me and the Elephant.
And the small ones run around the place, eating everything they can get their "hands" on.
As I stayed in Ayutthaya I found out that there were lots of Monkeys in the next city - Lop Buri - about 10 baht and an hour away by train. Wow, I had to check it out!
Video of the Monkey Temple.
There actually are monkeys everywhere, I later find out that about 3000 (!) run around the city in different gangs that will regularly fight each other.
These were the first ones I saw.
And while I was busy taking a picture of this one...
This monkey was busy stealing my sunscreen, luckily he gave up after noticing that it wasn't very tasty.
If you look closely you can see all the monkeys running around everywhere.
The picture every tourist had to take according to the guide that came with the entrance fee of 50 baht.
I also bought sunflower seeds to feed the monkeys with, never in my life did I imagine that I'd get to feed one of these sweethearts!
Trust.
Inside the temple it was dark, monkey free and filled with... bats!
Feeding more of these little furry friends. Its meant to bring luck too.
This little fella' can't be to old, seamed kind of lost too.
The guide/caretaker thought it was to hot outside today so he bought the monkeys a huge log of ice which they loved.
And then he showed me how monkeys look when they're real angry!
And I leave you with this little fella' who took my sunflower seeds and stole my heart.
I had a quick one week stopover in Thailand between New Zealand and Sweden while getting back up to the Northern hemisphere. But I managed to see quite a lot, this was my wonderful stay in Ayutthaya, Thailand's old capital and filled with old temples.
From Bangkok its about 2 or 3 hours by local train to go to Ayutthaya. The prices can vary between 20 to 200 baht, so be careful where and when you buy your ticket. Never take the tourist bus, they are way to expensive. The trains are quite comfortable but don't take to much luggage, then you'll be ok. And buy some food + water before the trip, they'll be heaps of salesmen- /woman on the train but again - more expensive.
The train station in Ayutthaya, this is how they all look. Cute, nice and... simple? Looking out of the window while one the train towards Ayutthaya.
They are selling food on board the train too but its more expensive.
Its so easy spotting other tourists/backpackers like yourself and often a lot easier and sometimes nicer to see the sights with them. I found two on the train, wanting to see all the temples there as well. Thailander's will always try to "fool" you into believing that you can't get across to the other side of the river without paying for the tuk-tuk. Or that it would take you way to long to see the sights by foot or renting a bike. But what the heck, they have to make a living and I know that I'll always find out after a while where the cheapest transportation is to get to my goal. So I paid 80 bath to get across the river with a tuk-tuk and to a sweet guest house called "Tony's Place". Where I barted, and flirted, my way into a room with a fan for 150 baht per night. Sweet as! My own room!!!
My first own room with a bed for... I can't even remember how long.
Tony's Place, my guest house.
Our Tuk-Tuk driver for the day.
Afterwards we, the two guys I meet on the train, and the tuk-tuk driver went to check out the old temples. The coolest one was the first and were we actually paid the 50 baht entrance as well. We saw some other too but didn't wanna pay any more cash to see them up close. The tuk-tuk costed about 200 bath in total and the boys paid for their trip back to the train station while letting me out at my guest house on the way back. Not to expensive but a lot more then taking the local boat which I found out the day after, taking you to the train station with a few minutes walk on each side for about 4 baht! I knew it!!
My first temple in Ayutthaya.
Something old, something new.
Everyone needs a bit of clothing.
The cool Buddha head that was INSIDE the tree.
And then it started raining but it didn't matter, +35 degrees any ways.
The local boat, Ayutthaya is surrounded by a river.
One of the markets in Ayutthaya with so much food! And way to much meat.
Addictions: Travel + Hitch hiking, tea, art, dance, larp, play, cartwheels, my cell phone, music, the road, computers n' internet
Politics: Green-Veggie-Queer-Anarchist-Socialist
Loves: Animals&Nature, dark chocolate, warm hands, Urban Exploration, hitch-hiking, demonstarting, creating stuff/art, dancing, runnin' through the grass bare feet, adventures
Hates: to freeze, winter, autumn, losing control, my conscience, Falling in Love
Scared of: insects, the dark, Pennywise the Clown, Losing control, deep water, meat, freedom of will and not having freedom of will, the entrapment of a "relationship" (I'm a Relationship Anarchist), capitalism
Massive Attack, Queen, AFI, Takida, CombiChrist, Björk, Coheed & Cambria, Lacuna Coil, Deine Lakain, Bush, Pink, Rammstein+Tatu-kombo, Juli, Covenant, VNV Nation, Soulfly, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Silbermond, K-pist, Tool, Stabbing Westward, Within Temptation, Smashing Pumkins, The Used, Skillet, Architecture in Helsinki, Säkert!, Detektivbyrån, Fall out boy, Kate Nash, Freak Kitchen, Hello Saferide, Gwen Stefani, Eskalator, GoGol Bordello, Muse, Fall out boy, Shout Out Louds, Antony and the Johnsons, Blink 182, Rage agains the machine, Skunk Anansie, Arcade Fire, Silverchair, Kent, Dntl, Kora, Minuit, Sidewalk, Ladi 6, Lykke Li, Lamb, Lama, Stay Ali, Dubstep+Drum&bass, Mint Royal, Sigur Rós, Fat Freddy's Drop, Katchafire, The Black Seeds, Sidewalk, Joel&Joakim... and much more.
My Family at the larp.
