Trying to stabilise, trying to find some solid ground in all the chaos around me but just ending up where I stated. Starring at a lantern and not really knowing what to do next. Ha, it seams to always sound like this. Yup, that's me. Never knowing what I want or where I should go. And once again I slipped, spent way to much time in my little room , and hoped I might find out where to go from here. Nope. My head is as empty as it was before, except of the fact that my tummy's empty too.
So today's mission is not climbing a ruin in Visby, not to accept that I'm slowly falling (in love), not to save the world but simply... oh, heck I've got no idea. Do you? Or the future me reading this? I only know I'm not fully agreeing with this thing people call reality. And why the fuck should I? But its time to wake up now, honey Smell the coffee (tea) and what?
Little bubble of chaos. Press pause on reality.
Soundtrack: Björk The picture is from a Klimax demonstration earlier this year.
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Ah, of course! Now I know what's wrong! Its Autumn in Sweden. Welcome to my reality. Even though my life is always in a state of chaos.
The Happy Visby gang from this summer, with newcomers and missed one's, meet up for the annual "Visby Culture Night" to catch up and party hard. Yay us! These things usually never happen even if you say "oh, we are really gonna try and see each other again." But we did. And we even managed to complete the mission that we set out to do, so many months before. So here it goes and I really do hope I wont get into trouble cause of this.
As we'd checked out the weather forecast we rescheduled our mission and had it on Friday instead of Saturday, which was a real good choice. To bad everyone hadn't arrived at the time though. Me, Fiffi and Mr. B talked about making an art installation to contribute to The Night of Culture in Visby and our theme was "Distance". Fiffi had made beautiful lantern's which we grabbed along with a bunch of other candles that could withstand the cold wind and made our merry way through the streets of Visby. (Yeah, after a drink or two we might add. And also after my talk with Mr. B so I was all filled with fresh hope and bubbles I might add.)
Mr. B who's from Visby took us to an old Church ruin and told us how to get inside. I could feel my already high bubble level going up another nudge and followed the others without hesitation. The old building had lots of little secrets to share and soon enough we were all, after a few adventures and climbing on top of it but it surely felt like we were on top of the world, or at least Visby.
Fiffi's Lanterns.
We started spreading out the candles, took out the lantern's and lit it all up. We'd of course forgotten a couple of candles that we bought especially for the lantern but it was just as beautiful anyways. Fiffi told us how she'd thought about the "Distance" project and that she wanted to illustrate the distance between people by making two pairs of lanterns that were perfectly made for each other, almost hugging one another.
Then it was my turn. I'd thought I make something out of wire, which is my favourite material, but couldn't think of anything to do! After a bit of panicking and a deadline pressing I gave up and did something completely different, like I always do. So I brought along about 25 friendship bracelet's which I'd spent night and day making for the last week. "Now there doesn't have to be a distance between us at all!" I said and we all hugged while putting them on. Yay!! Ok, might not be to big of an art project to the world but we had lots of fun and it was real special.
And as a little extra note, Fiffi came up check on me when I was real hung over and asked if me and Mr. B 'd like it if we could share one of the lanterns. What? Wow, yes please - we'd love too!!! So we each lit a candle and sat them side by side where they kept us and each other company all Sunday night and wrapped them in tightly on Monday morning. And the first thing I did when I got home was to pull it out, check that it had survived the boat trip and put it beside my laptop. They act as a firm memory, a real piece of evidence of the weekends wickedness. The whole thing seams very unreal but then again, I look at the lantern as it sits here beside me and remember all the love (there were 7 of us) and sweet adventures we had. Then it all becomes almost to real. Thanks, Fiffi! They are truely wonderfull!
This is so uncalled for. As I finally admit to myself that I need to stay put in one place cause I can't handle missing more people at the moment, I find my darling new friends living everywhere in the country instead. I've lost little pieces of my heart in all corners of the world. But as I give it away, as I share it and open up, as I show them and the places my heart I get something very important back. Another piece of the puzzle. But being on the road meant I had nowhere to sit down and try to put all the pieces together, I guess that's why I feel that I need to stay put for a while. To sit still. And yet, I' still travelling. (Even if its not all to far.) And losing little pieces of my heart. Still missing people and gathering new once to the list of "gah, I wish you were here!". But I know that I need to leave again once I've gotten my strength back up. I need to find more pieces, lose more little hearts and fall in love with more of the beautiful places of the world.
Stood on the ferry this morning and saw the sunrise over Visby while leaving its harbour. As the sunlight hit the first house I felt an even bigger piece then usual break lose and tumble down over board, splash as it hit the cold water and be united with the love for that island and the special people who live there or just come to stay for a bubble summer happy weekend once in a while. I felt like I was losing a way to big piece for me to handle all at once to you, Mr. B until I realised that I wasn't losing it at all. (Remembering Relationship Anarchy.) I realised I'd gained another very important piece of my puzzle. One I've been looking for for quite a while. (But to make things clear, I was NOT looking for a crush/lover. I was looking for another piece of the puzzle, like I always am.)
As I've written again and again (or at least talked about but wrote real honest in Once Again back in Real Life.) I finally had he guts to stand up for myself and say no to sexual intercourse, to the actual penetration and to the dick. To be all frank and truthful. But I never realised that that didn't mean that I closed a lot of doors until now. I thought that meant that I wouldn't have sex, wouldn't get pleasure from someone else and wouldn't get all that close. I'd lose one of the important and most intimate things that happens between two people (or can happen). Of course I'd still have sex with girls and all of that but the only problem was that it seamed like I still had crushes on boys. And not the macho manly once but the sweet, often very androgynous and not thinking in a gender norm way. If you could phrase it like that.
But then I found the piece that's been missing, the one I never even thought about. While allowing myself to feel and act and remembering to be true to myself I found out that sex didn't need to be all about the penetration, genitals and orgasms. I've never even thought it was possible but it felt like we found something better, something that was even closer, more intimate and loving then the handling of flesh. And I'm not writing this to "out" anyone, I do hope Mr. B doesn't mind and even though I probably would like to just keep it to myself I found out, once again through a previous post comment, that there are others out there who can't handle the "normal" sexual intercourse. So this is to show, mostly to myself, that its very possible to make love, have sex. Or let me rephrase, its very possible to (in the extremely romantic way) "become one", "tap into each others hearts".
I was planning on having an awesome weekend with friends and a cute innocent flirt, things didn't turn out as planned. Heck, they never do. Lots of partying but no film in an old church. It was poring down outside and way to cold so they moved it to the local cinema, which wasn't as cool but still very sweet to see a scary movie all seven of us while screaming at the right places and having an educational moment, since we were watching "Peeping Tom" which, I believe, was from the sixties and ground breaking at the time. Lots of more partying, lots of sauna, tea, sweet vegan food, lovin' friends and late nights but then there was that innocent flirt which turned out to be something completely different.
Scared while writing, scared while thinking, scared while feeling but its to big to just ignore. I'm falling. Another little piece of my heart is now washed up on the shore of Gotland. And as I saw it fall hitting the waves beneath the ferry I couldn't keep my tears back anymore. Just as its hard when I'm writing this. I could always try to explain it with "Haven't slept or eaten properly for the whole weekend" and so on but I think its something more. Cause no matter what happens now I found that piece of the big puzzle that is me, so thank you Mr. B and thanks to all the poor souls who had to listen to my endless ramble about my confusing "love life". Its thanks to them that I was strong enough to say no which opened a whole world of doors for me to explore.
Wow, talk about honesty?! Well, there you have it. And it might be a bit easier to understand then my drunkin' ass trying to, well I don't know what I was thinking about, blog earlier.
(Pictures; Visby while leaving the harbour. Sunrise over Visby. Me on open water.)
So while listening to way to cute music from my teen days, missing everyone heaps and bloggin' I decide that just for today I'll stay inside my little bubble of happiness and will deal with the real world outside my window tomorrow.
Uhm... I'm sorry? Well, I mean. Everything in the last post is true its just that I really shouldn't blog while way to drunk. Really not! But to my defense, the comments on one of my previous posts where I was talking about the confusion about sex/love made me realize that its a good thing to just write, talk and be honest. That someone else out there had the "same" type of problems as I do. So thank you for sharing and caring enought to comment =).
The flat (here on Gotland), with 7 lovely people, is coming to life after a hard night of partying. Just as it should be at 2 pm.
So a huge note to myself; Never ever, and I repeat, never (!) blog while drunk!! Not only the fact that I wasn't able to write in complete sentences, or that I was babbling along uhm... getting way to personal (like always??) might not be the ideal thing to wake up to. OOppss... So I'm sorry.
Wll, I gotta tell you that I'm so fucking happy. This has been like the first time since forever (?) well at least since my "puppy love" time with Cat almost two years ago. So I fuckin' deserved some good stuff. I've, it you hadn't noticed, got a HUGE crush. Like in the last two posts I've been really confused and really scared. Just like this one. But for the first time since forever its not the usual "I'm having a crush, I really don't wanna' and the other person doesn't like me at all".This time its all just to cute. Gah, I hope its not just form my side. The person in question is a newbie in terms of Relationship Anarchism but very willing to learn. So yes, I'm falling. So hard. In spite of the subject being a boy, at least to the physical side.
So what about my problem? Of telling this person whom I'm very attracted to that I'm celibate? Well, we had a "talk" yesterday and had that serious "I kinda like you but..." - talk and he didn't realize that I was a relationship anarchist. It turned out that he'd wanted to be one for several years but never really got into in it. And I, of course, feel fuckin' amazing showing him what it all means. (See under the label of Relationship Anarchism or andie.se to know more about it.) So when we all talked it through, I thought I totally lost him. I thought I was once again having a crush on someone who wasn't in the least bit interested in me. But uhm, that wasn't what happened. I let go, he let go and we agreed that we were really scared but we so wanted to go on and feel more. And later on today I (sadly) realized that it was way to late to turn back. I'm falling. And id doesn't matter how scared I am or whatever it means to him, I'm falling.
Which is really scary though, not just the fact that I'm falling again but that its a "he". Again. But as I said, the amazing thing happened. I was brave enough to tell (so I gotta give him a name?) Mr. B. (Mr?? Well, its not a macho man in such way but he got the enormous honor of choosing his own, never happened before.) Ah, gah! Yeah, as you read (probably my future self tomorrow) you'd realise that I'm quite drunk. haha... embarrassing. haha!
The best thing that happened was, besides us giving it a try, that we had sex without our genders. For the first time, and I'm 26, I had sex (or rather made love?? Do I dare to say it?? Ha, I'm to drunk not too and tomorrow its gonna be way to late to change my mind.). I had sex without my physical gender, and gah, I really hope that Mr. B doesn't hate me for outing this on my blog or that I will regret it tomorrow but gah, I'm so having the huge crush. Feeling way to much for my tummy to handle. Ha, I'm in love! There, I said it. Finally. But remember, I wont admit it tomorrow. Or will I?
So sex without the physical gender, love without the physical gender and relationship anarchism without the heterosexual norm. I'm so fuckin' game!
Having the time of my life, probably course I'm so drunk (this is the first time I admitted being drunk while bloggin) and finally being brave enough to feel everything. Write anything and just to feel. Scared, happy, bubble and love. Tihi, love! And this is me talking, the one that is so scared of feeling anything more the friendship. Ha!So even more way to personal stuff on my blog, like I haven't don't that one before. Ha!!
So music of the day; Shit, I don't fuckin' know eye. But from he stuff that we've been listening to this night its been "I miss you - Blink 182". Thank you Mr. B for making me belive again. And the most important thing, the friends down here made me belive in love again.
Song of the day might just as well be "More then Words-Extrem" And this time, you'll just have to check out goolge for the links yourself. Love ya!
And no pic's couse I haven't got them prom my camera yet, but when there's stuff I will post it. Bubble happy love to ya all.
So what happened? Well, the bubbles didn't get smaller, which at first was absolutely amazing. you know the feeling you get when everything is just right, fragile but beautiful. That was last night. But today, well. We txt'd or rather I got a txt saying that it'd been real nice but we probably shouldn't continue. Everything went silent. So it was to good to be true? I knew it! Fuck this shit!! And then, ha then!! you know actual communication creates wonders in all sorts of relationships and everything is (seams, oh please pretty one!) to be good now. Hopefully.
The flat took a day of from reality and stayed in, hanging out and reading. Until nightfall when we climbed up in a real cool church ruin and lit some candles up there for everyone to see. Just as scary as it was dangerous I suspect but of course lots of fun. A real mission. Gah, I do really love it here!
Btw, still fighting or not talking or I really don't know what's happening to Cat. Really miss him though. Fuck.
Went to another larp last weekend, "Våra Drömmars Stad". This time set in "1800-1900" sentry, sorta. Had a good group and stuff but the larp actually sucked. Big time. Got a couple of good scenes but nah, really. I thought I was going to "thriller" type story based larp with sound and video effects. I ended up on a larp with way to expensive clothes (not on me) which made everyone scared of actually moving around in them and it turned out to be some sort of British "Murder theory" but without the murder(?). Finding, receiving and talking to people about the clues you'd gathered. A Game. Uhm, did I mention that I'm actually registered as the worst riddle "sovler" on the continent at this present time?
So the rest of the life? Well, Autumn is here. And my panic with it. Still kinda silent but coming. Trying to keep my focus, trying to keep busy (which isn't a problem for me as most of you all know) and getting quite creative which is great.
Still finding the need to stay in Sweden or rather to stay put, sit still and think. I've never known what I want to do but last January I decided I wanted to study art full time and move to New Zealand. Finally I had this great plan but as all planes they never turn out as you thought. I've got no regrets, It was absolutely the best thing I've ever done. And even though school wasn't up to my expectations I had a swell time travelling and getting to know my self.
Recap: July 2007, I stated studying art in Stockholm January 2008, I decide to move to New Zealand July 2008, I move to NZ and begin my new school October 2008, I realise that I'm not going to come back to school next term. November 2008, The road is my home September 2009, Stockholm is my home.
Picture of me on the road.
I've been on the road more or less for a year. Or more. After realising that art school over there wasn't as good as I hoped I thought that I would find out what I wanted to do with my life by travelling. And I sotra did. I want to do more, see more, be creative, move around, love and work with nature, animals and art. I've got a real addiction to Larp which can't be found (in the way that I like them) in any other place but Sweden. I also found out that I needed to be around my friends. As corny as it sound. Gah, I missed everyone heaps. And I'm not really keen on missing them so soon again. I need to stay put, even though I'm always travelling in my heart and all around Sweden I need to try and find out what I want to do with my life. I know I want to study art - but not at the moment.
I know I've talked about it over and over again, its just that I really don't know. In the same way as I really don't know about this thing called sex. I've always loved it, no matter what gender or style but now... No. I know I've always loved to be with girls and "the people who don't define their gender" (in lack for better description). But men? Well, I haven't had a problem before. Or I had with the macho manly men. And its gotten worse.
At the moment I've gotten over my last big summer crush and in true "isobelll style" gotten right back on the horse and am having all these bubbles for someone else. Of course someone that I hardly know. But now for the scary parts starts, its a he and he seams to like me back. Fuck!! I'm not good with all of that shit anymore. As I said, we hardly know each other (and OH, I'm as always getting way to personal? Sorry) but we're texting and getting real cute. He doesn't live around here which is great, I can live my life just as always. But then there is the "I'm missing him!" part which sucks. Like I'm always missing people all around the globe. Sigh. Note to self: By travelling a lot and larping you'll get friends all over, if you find this "missing thing" hard then you might think about stop travelling - Ha, like that's ever going to happen!!
So once again I'm confronted with the two things that scare me most of all. Its a guy and he (well, that's what I think at least - gathered from the texting ) sorta likes me back (or is he just atracted (here my bad selfconfidens raises her voice in a foul and bad manner and starts to whisper lots of thing that I wont tell here and will try to inore all togeher)). Which is all nice and good but it means, you guessed it, sex. Cause of the simple fact, it seams like, that we're both adultes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm really attracted to him and wow I'd love to have sex but does the dick really have to be a part of it? (As I complained about all this shit to my brother last night he went and grabbed the sissors, "This might solve the problem?").
This has been my main theme for the last 6 months - no dicks. I've failed over and over again but every time I'm in a quite foul mood for the next coulple of days. So seriously, no dicks. At least until I figure out what's wrong, or if you'd like me to rephrase, what's right. Now comes the issue of telling to him, that I'd love to have a cute flirt (or whatever happens) but no sex which is scary. And for once realising that it wont do with, "I'll make up an excuse at the last moment", "It wont be all that bad will it?", "But I am really attracted?", "I am real horny though, that should mean that I actually do want it?", "oh well, I don't want to disappoint him. Just get it over with." I know all about the classic saying "if he likes me it wont matter", "I don't need to spread my legs for someone to like me and if its only that then I can just as well do without." But grr, the bubbles and wanting to be the subject of bubbles in tummy back feelings are still very much all to real. Well, I should just stop thinking, be honest and let the weekend to all the work cause we're all meeting up on Gotland for the "Night of Culture". Yay! A sorta reunion of the summer time medieval week at the flat with sauna, party, friends (some old ones and a lot of newcomes) and the highlight will be seeing a scary movie in one of the old church ruins at night. Freezing Cold!!! And I don't know what I'm more scared about, the movie, the cold or (I do really hope) him - warming me, holding my hand.
Bubbles. Scared. Confused. Chaos? Well, thats me. Always in some state of chaos but at least I'm smiling this time. (And blushing.) Shit, he might read this. Uhm, no good idea of publishing or just the right thing to do? Uhm, fuck. Well, its to late now? Shit, shit, shit. Scared way beond the point of ok and all bundled up in a teenie crush. But maybe I'll just see him and realise that its been all in my head? Bubbles simply cause I "felt like" having bubbles? Hitting the Publish button before I can change my mind.
Ha, but what's real? Not a lot in my life. Not according to real people with real jobs. But what the fuck, I'm back on top of my game. I just got a room! Yay me! Fuck yeah! Got a lot of larps, travelling and projects to keep a close eye on within the near future. Going to Göteborg on Thursday for a sweet reunion with the "White Trash gang" and so on.
So I got a room, I got a sorta job or I got enough money to pa my bills and eat, I've got heaps to do and my horrible crush is finally letting me go. (I was the one having the crush, hate it when that happens.)
And the larp "Krigshjärta III" was pretty good in the end anyways, I had some real cool scenes, so called meta scenes, where we go outside the game and freeform what could be thoughts, dreams, memories or anything else that wants to get out. Sweet as. Thanks to Tarick, my family, Lukas and all the rest - you know who you are.
My Family at the larp.
Oh, and did I mention? I've got a room!!! Haha, nah but seriously. I've been looking for ages and this one I can afford and I move in next week. Mint!
Colder nights, real windy and before you know it - Autumn will be here. And my panic with it. I thought I could stand the cold this time, I thought I could handle the darkness but I'm thinking I might be fooling myself. Just another method of calming my nerves, not having a place to live or anything to do really. It feels like my entire being is in chaos. Just as always I might point out - there is always a certain amount of chaos in my life but when it turns sour... It feels like I'm running away if I give up on Sweden at the moment, not having fulfilled the stuff I needed to do here (trying to find out what my sexuality is, learning to say no and getting my body to function properly again?). But as soon as I start to feel that cold wind upon my skin I can feel the old panic setting in. Soon the leafs will have turned in all shades of red and die. I need to have green around me, I need to be able to see that summer fresh green every day.
But the biggest fear of it all is that with the Fall coming it means that reality is coming, the cold dark one that hits you in the head and says its time to grow up. Its time to get going with your life. I've worked so hard to get rid of all of that. Please don't make me go back there. I'm scared shitless of a 9-5 job, a stylish apartment with a long term lease and a steady partner. Thatäs what everyone else calls life - I call it prison or maybe even hell.
The fucking larp is as always taking up way to much of my energy and commitment. I really just want to run away, now.
...things couldn't get worse. They of course did. One of my relationships seams to have turned really sour and even though I really believe that we could salve this somehow its not doable right now even though we still love each other. Fuck this shit!!
After having dinner with a sweet girl yesterday I crashed at her place but woke up in the middle with a bad nightmare and huge tears running down my cheeks. I really need to get out of here. If it wasn't for that damn larp I'd pick up my things right now and run again.
Trying to take it one day at a time. Just one more day. No more whining for now.
I've been a vegetarian on and off (off cause of horrible rfealationships where I wasn't allowed to be a veggie) since I was 13 and now for about 3 years until I noticed something just a few weeks ago. I was getting a headache and nausea each time I was close to milk but as I really liked oat milk I had that for a few days and the problems went away - so now days I'm a lactose intolerant vegetarian with a dream of becoming a vegan (which I'm in a practical scene am). Yay! I avoid milk products in any way I can. Cheese has been out of the question for some time now cause it almost always contains rennet which is made out of cows stomach. Iiiijou! No, Thanks!
I'm sorta' getting ill again. Surprise? Nope. The larp I'm going to in a week is all fucked up and I've got way more to do then I'm ok with. Lots of shitty things happening outside the larp itself, people not liking each other and that stuff. Grr.
Still no home, no job but maybe maybe a place where I can have some practical training which allows me to look for more work and get some references. Holding every thumb I can find. Bubbles and confusion everywhere. Stress. Food doesn't really seam to be a good idea at the moment, including sleep which I've rarely got time for. Still in a total state of "fuck - the festival week with all my friends has come to an end" and missing everyone.
A total confusion on sexuality or being close to people. Not much different from yesterday I guess. Just a tad more stressful.
Enough whining for today, chaotic life. Yay! I'm somewhat surprised that I'm not falling yet. Keep the good work up? Hoping for it.
I've been way to busy to write anything here, up and down just as usual I guess. I've been out on the road to lots of different events and festivals for the last month. To a larp which sucked in the game way but I had a couple of great experiences and meet some beautiful people. It was called Tueolenas Port and was in a fantasy setting - I'm so over larping in those worlds but as I said, the people - you know who you are - made my larp. =)
When I got home I got back on track with the cold I got on the Arvika Festival, of course. And as I thought that I'd concurred that one I hitched down to Göteborg to meet up with the crew from the larp. Worked at a Medieval festival, lived in a trailer from the not so great parts of the sixties? With 6 people, crammed in and of course we had to be the White Trash gang. Fuck, I'm so in love with all of these crazy lovin' beautiful people who just adopted me into their crew and as the festival progressed they even made a official (?) welcoming ceremony that went something like this; after drinking way to much of G's Whisky I tumbled around with one of the boys having a play-fight when Electroboy pins me down, G sits on the other side looking the other arm and Charms gets on top and starts pouring wine in my mouth - "Welcome to Gothenburg!!". And if I hadn't laughed all the way I'd probably would have been really pissed of - but I love these guys! Ha! I've sworn revenge though. Watch out!
Hitched back to Stockholm where I fell down on the couch and got real ill again, this time I went to the doctor - got real strong medicine and went blank for the two weeks. Gah! Fucking cold! Morphine, bad as painkillers and penicillin. Choho??
But as the Pride Festival in Stockholm was booming in the streets I'd gotten all better again and partied as much as my somewhat torn body would allow and even meeting some pretty girls, yum! You know who you are ;p.
Packing my gear again I went back in time once more and to an island outside of Sweden named Gotland to the Medieval city called Visby where there's an absolutely fantastic festival every year. A week filled with Medieval music, everyone is dressed up and partying all week long. I sold a lot of my gloves that I've been needlebinding.
Finally confirmed that the bubbles I'd been feeling for the last few weeks for a person were way to real. Fuck this! I'm not game. I'd decided to go against all festival scene, the same as I've made as a rule all summer long, and had a no sex rule for myself (which I on occasion don't give a fucking rats ass about). To much shit is going on. Way to queer, way to insecure with what I want in bed to even try and get my head wrapped around it at the moment. I just know that I'm not game for the heterosexual stuff anymore even though I've seam to have no problems falling for boys I'd rather not have sex with them or I'd rather they take care of "that one down there" on their own, kinda. Or what the fuck, I don't know anymore. Wierd. So what about the "Real Men" - uhm... No way!!
I just got back this morning from Gotland and am way to emotional and messed up to really be writing anything that makes sence I guess. The party's, the people, the hanging out, the shows. Living in an absolutely fabulous flat that was in a total state of Hippieness all week long complete with sauna after party's. The White trash/Göteborgs gang, the Arabs and all the rest... Gah! I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you all. And yes, as you might have guessed at this state of no sleep I am actually having way to many tears in my eyes to write this shit. Fuck missing people!
What sucks even more is that summer is nearly over, its gonna be warm for a bit longer but reality is gonna hit me at the latest in about two weeks even though its really close now. And I haven't got a clue of what the fuck I'm gonna do with my life. I don't have anywhere to live, no job and no school. What to do? I really don't know. So I guess its back on the road? Well if I don't find anything soon I'll be leaving again I guess but that would feel more like I was running away and not going to something. And btw, it doesn't feel like I'm "back" in Sweden - this is where I need to be at the moment to get a grip of my life. This is me going forward, thank you. And no, I'm not done travelling. I've just realised that something's need to be sorted out with friends close by and in a environment that doesn't hate woman, non heterosexuals and veggies.
Music of the day: Evanescence (with all of its tears, with all of its fake goth shit going directly into my vein's.) Bubble of the day: Confidential. Pictures will come up later, I just have to run and find that hug from Cat right now...
Warning, one more of those NZ stories. If you're reading the notes on my facebook they're automatically streamed and not at correct as my blog. Check out the page: http://isobelll.blogspot.com
I love adventure! So when I was hitching upwards from Wellington on the North Island of New Zealand in February 2009 I asked the driver if they had any idea of where I could stay that night. Any Cool Beaches close by? Waitarere was my answer. Sweet. A couple of hitches later I was at a camp site close by the beach and heard the story about this Forrest - it was suppose to be one of the places they'd filmed Gollum, not that I was to interested in finding the spots. That was not why I travelled New Zealand. (But I must admit that Mount Doom was pretty awesome!).
However my bankcard wouldn't work and the camping site was pretty expensive anyways so I went to the local store to get some cash out. As I asked the guy behind the counter if he knew anywhere where I could crash in my tent for the night without having to pay he look with huge eyes at me like he'd never heard of such a thing. But the lady, with a little daughter, behind me in line spoke up and said "Why don't you come and stay on our lawn?" Sure, sweet!
As we walked off she explained that her neighbour was out of town and I might just as well use his house, a couple of minutes later she said that she had a guest house - that they normally rented out for people on longer vacations - and I might just as well stay in there. Ha!! As we got to her place she quickly put a beer in my hand, said hi to her husband and started making dinner - vegetarian of course! They were really happy to hear my stories and said that they knew someone in Sweden who's stayed with them before.
After dinner me and the lady went to the beach, oh the beautiful beach, and checked out the sunset. Mm. We said our goodnights and I went to drink some tea, yeah! There was tea in my own little cabin with a real bed and shower. As I was writing up my adventures for the day in my Diary which I'd try to keep up to date the house suddenly started shaking. WTF?! I got real scared and ran outside after struggling ot get the door open. No one but me out in that dark night. And after a while it stopped. Shit. Is it gonna start again? Is there a big one coming on? What was the right thing to do? Why hadn't I researched this a bit better before coming to this Earthquake country? After a while I fell asleep, still scared but ok. Nothing, from what I know, got broken. But much later I found out that it had been a 4 on the Richter scale. Shit! Scary stuff!
Next morning I made my way into the Forrest and tried to find Gollum, or his remains. I never did but the Forrest sure was creeping me out. And I came up with the brilliant idea that I'd cross the low bushes that stretched about 400 meter from the Forrest edge to the beach. Couldn't be to hard could it? Guess again! With a narrow undergrowth and some thorns I soon understood why most, clever anyways, people stay out of these bushes. And as always I as way to stubborn to turn back. About an hour later I'd crossed, crawled, slide and climbed my way to the beach with a fair few cuts and bruises. Children, don't try this at home!
The Gollum Forrest
The 400 meters of Bush between the Forrest and the ocean, doesn't look to hard does it?
Me on video in that Forrest talking about whats been going on.
And Finally, The Beach. Doesn't look to impressive on photo but fuck, that thing keep going for miles and miles in each direction and even though the water was less then "yay, lets go swimming - temperature" I walked along the shore for quite a while.
Today's Person: Everyone who invites a total stranger into their home and hearts. I'll be forever thankful for your help!
Fore those of you who read the automatically streamed notes in Facebook, this is my real blog address: http://isobelll.blogspot.com where you can actually see the videos. =)
Getting another cold, having my days again and all at once while I was suppose to be trying out a new job today. I called in sick. Not really being able to swallow. Can't taste anything. Drinking way to little. Watching the Michael Jackson memorial and missing him. I also found my old band T-Shirt. Or I did a couple of weeks ago actually. I was getting ready for that larp that I went to when I needed to have about 10 love letters with me that my character was suppose to have written and I hand no inspiration at all. So I googled old love letters and put on some heartbreaking old music that I used o listen to when I was a teen. Of Course Michael Jackson was a huge part of my lie when I was about 12 (?). And I've never stopped loving his music. So with "Will you be there" in my ears I finally got to write the letters.
There are lots of cool (?) punkers at my place most of the days, mainly cause two of them live here and amongst a lot of other thing they got their love for different band T-Shirts in common. And I didn't wanna be left outside so I found my old band T-Shirt which I've started to use and nightshirt over the last months and put it on. This was about 3 weeks ago. Then I went to the larp, way out in the Forrest without any connection to the outside world. It started at June the 25 where I turned of my cell and the modern world. As soon as the larp ended - the guy my character had written those love letter to - told me that Michael was dead. What? Nah! That can't be true.
It didn't hit me until last night when I watched the Memorial live stream via CNN. Shit, there's the casket. The living room - where I live - was once again filled with the punks playing some video game about killing zombies or rather one was playing it while the rest of the four were glued to the screen in amazement. And later on the homo-erotic boxing game at least made it possible for two of them to play at the same time. Not that I can understand why its so much fun Watching someone Else killing things. But hey, life's got a fair few mysteries left, don't you thing?
So as they were playing I watched the Memorial in my computer corner with headphones and as Michaels brother came on the show singing "Smile" tears stared filling my eyes. He'd touch many of our life's for the last 4 decades and it doesn't even matter if the accusations against him are true or not (but as an old fan I never believed them) I couldn't care less about his private life but I truly loved his music (even though Michael only did a cover on that song once). The evening went on and more and more of the old classics and lots of speeches, often way to long, were streamed into my laptop. It might have been my having a bad cold, getting my period and all of that mess but I truly cried. And as Paris, his 11 year old daughter said "Daddy, I love you" all of us (the fans) cried. So I guess, Thanks Michael for making great music. And even though I really don't believe in God I do hope that you find the rest you so deserved. Come to think about it it somehow already felt like he died lots of years ago, no offence intended. So when the body caved I wasn't surprised. I hope he had at least some happy years at the end. It must have been really hard for him. Ha, so now you know another (big) secret, I'm one of those old MJ fans - might not have been the first guess considering what I'm listening to now days. Or well, I think I've sort of come full circle and can appreciate lots of the old tunes, found my "Hip Hop Nerve" and love the sweet funk again.
Movie of the Day: Revolutionary Road - watched it a second time today, its a real good one! The Characters are well played and feel very realistic. Song of the Day: Depeche Mode - Home When that song came on live at Arvika Festival I finally "understood" Depeche Mode.
The pressure was on! Come on, give me the last day! And you failed? What? I fell asleep to "Anna Ternheim" who's real sweet but way to slow for a festival, didn't even bother going to Jenny Wilson cause I knew it was gonna be sort of the same. Then the third girl started singing with one of those cute voices and I almost went berserk. I would have if I wasn't so tired. Even to tired to go to "Mustasch" and I saw some of "Fleet Foxes" which was really nice but once again way to slow.
Thåström was really nice though, even if he was slow as fuck too.
Thåström on stage, with two left pary flags in the middle of the audience =). Probably most know for his old song, I think in some other group, "Die Mauer". But my favourite one is: "Fan Fan Fan".
After Thåström I went to go see DAF which were supose to be real good, but fuck no! Horrible! It might be that people don't know enough German to understand their lyrics but thas shit? Fuck no! With song like "I want, I want, I want that my heart will pump as long as it can". WTF?? And just as I got there he said something about going "right" politically or I felt like he was saying that jsut after I'd been to Thåström reminding us all how important socialism is. Two thumbs down for DAF - the horrible electro monoton boring band with brainless lyrics.
The end of the Festival for me was with the band "Korn" which I've listened to since I was about 14, not frequently but still. =) They knew how to pull of a show.
I woke up a 8 AM in a boiling tent, with sweet sunshine and a need for a bath. Our camp went to the close by sea and went swimming even though it didn't make a lot of difference - the water was 26 C!! Spent some time with my mum and ad a huge pizza =). As she left I started drinking and the first show of the day was Welle:Erdball. I'd seen them before but this time they were really good, the show was cool and it brought back lots of memories. And in the middle of the show they added lots of pink balloons that went bumping throw the audience - sweet!
Next concrete for me was "Bob Hund" which I've sort of heard on the raido but never really listened to and wow, they were great! Definitely one of my new favourites bands. Happy, jolly with dry Swedish humour and a lot of political messages.
The singer in Bob Hund - he was a real performer! One of their new (?) songs: Folkmusik för folk som inte han bete sig som folk Kinda translated: People's for people that can't behave like people.
Next one up was Depeche Mode!!! Wow, never thought I get to see them live. Just as Bob Hund I hadn't heard to much of them more then their hits but wow, the live show was great.
They really knew how to satisfy an audience. And had some cool things to say aswell. Their most famous song is probably: Personal Jesus
The surprise of the day was Fever Ray who I never heard before but sooooo goood!
Fever Ray had a real cool laser show.
This is a video of the concert but if you rather wanna hear a good version of the song, look further down.
So I went to the Arvika Festival and - of course - had a blast. Not as I thought it would be but real good anyways. I stayed clear from almost all the flirting and concentrated on the music and my camp.
I was lucky enough to drive a small bus from Stockholm to Arvika which was great, only problem was that even though a guy knew that we were going the wrong way didn't say anything. So we made a D-tour that took about 2 ? hours? Gah! But once we got there everything was sweet. The bus was used as Depeche Modes transportation the following day =). But I didn't drive it.
So the Acts? Wow! They were great!
The Festival stated of with having a huge hug with my mum, drinking champagne and going to see one of my favourite bands "Detektivbyrån". Yay!
Mum and me outside my "new" tent I got for 75 kr at an odd shop so that I didn't have to bring my good one along.
Second band of the day was "Röyksopp" a Norwegian electronic duo (?) which are pretty good but I was more in the mood for beer with Mum so I listened with half an ear and concentrated on my beer. Cause Nine Inch Nails were gonna come on stage soon. We'd bought some, which we otherwise never do, band t-shirts and had "NIN" written over out chests.
Nine Inch Nails, Trent Reznor again. He's a one man band who makes all the music and under the name of "Nine Inch Nails" tours with a band to preform his music.
Neither me or Mum could get anything else in our heads or hearts after that show so we went talking for a bit and on towards a good nights sleep. At my camp sight there were lots of people everywhere partying just like it should be on a festival and just as I was gonna crawl inside my sleeping bag some people placed a HUGE stereo outside my tent and started to dance frenetically to some sort of house. I thought I might have troubles sleeping or try to talk to them to move the that thing and their party somewhere else but hey, I can sleep throw anything. It just meant that I dreamt about dancing. =)
Me as Mother Tyra at the larp, Kalle Lanzt is the fabulous photographer!
I'm promising to report back later but the status right now is that I've come home from Tueonelas Port which was a larp, loved and hated it at the same time and am going - ridiculously early - to the Arvika festival tomorrow morning to see Nine Inch Nails, Depeache Mode and Korn amongst others. And NIN with my Mummy!! So I'm coming back to ya about everything later on, as soon as I'm back in town.=)
Addictions: Travel + Hitch hiking, tea, art, dance, larp, play, cartwheels, my cell phone, music, the road, computers n' internet
Politics: Green-Veggie-Queer-Anarchist-Socialist
Loves: Animals&Nature, dark chocolate, warm hands, Urban Exploration, hitch-hiking, demonstarting, creating stuff/art, dancing, runnin' through the grass bare feet, adventures
Hates: to freeze, winter, autumn, losing control, my conscience, Falling in Love
Scared of: insects, the dark, Pennywise the Clown, Losing control, deep water, meat, freedom of will and not having freedom of will, the entrapment of a "relationship" (I'm a Relationship Anarchist), capitalism
Massive Attack, Queen, AFI, Takida, CombiChrist, Björk, Coheed & Cambria, Lacuna Coil, Deine Lakain, Bush, Pink, Rammstein+Tatu-kombo, Juli, Covenant, VNV Nation, Soulfly, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Silbermond, K-pist, Tool, Stabbing Westward, Within Temptation, Smashing Pumkins, The Used, Skillet, Architecture in Helsinki, Säkert!, Detektivbyrån, Fall out boy, Kate Nash, Freak Kitchen, Hello Saferide, Gwen Stefani, Eskalator, GoGol Bordello, Muse, Fall out boy, Shout Out Louds, Antony and the Johnsons, Blink 182, Rage agains the machine, Skunk Anansie, Arcade Fire, Silverchair, Kent, Dntl, Kora, Minuit, Sidewalk, Ladi 6, Lykke Li, Lamb, Lama, Stay Ali, Dubstep+Drum&bass, Mint Royal, Sigur Rós, Fat Freddy's Drop, Katchafire, The Black Seeds, Sidewalk, Joel&Joakim... and much more.
So today's mission is not climbing a ruin in Visby, not to accept that I'm slowly falling (in love), not to save the world but simply... oh, heck I've got no idea. Do you? Or the future me reading this? I only know I'm not fully agreeing with this thing people call reality. And why the fuck should I? But its time to wake up now, honey Smell the coffee (tea) and what?
