A couple of months ago I heard that a hmm, should I say acquainted (?) died whom I've meet at a couple of party's back in Nelson. He was a great guy (yeah yeah I know, we always tend to say that when they're dead but this guy really was). And now I've still got him as a Facebook Friends. In fact, that's how I got to know that he'd passed on and I was even able to watch his burial, streaming all the way over here. Strange. I'll send you a thought and a little prayer in what ever religion or non religion you want, my dear. R.I.P.
Then a thought crossed my mind. In the age of "keep computers private filled with data instead of real papers", how and what will people do when we die? I always imagined that someone would read my dairy's. I mean, why not? I'm dead. Might as well get to know all the good juicy stuff? Or not? What is sacred anyways? What secrets do we get to keep until we're either put six feet under ground or in a hot flaming oven? And how about all those emails, communities, bank accounts not to mention the computer itself. Should we let our loved ones get access to them after we've past on? How can we keep our password safe but not from the grave? And what should or should not be relieved? No matter where we are in life or death. Hmm, it might be time (and I'm not planing on dying but neither did this guy and he was about my age, actually a few years younger and a frequent traveler) to start thinking about hiding a password that will unlock other passwords behind a password secret spot that will get accessed by another password which I will revile to... whom...? R.I.P. to all of those secrets never having the pleasure of getting in the way of peoples lives/ability to move on.
Heart:Had some contact with Zhe the other day. Feels like I'm starting all over again with the grieving period, gee thanks. And the worst part was that he said everything that I wanted to hear, almost everything at least. And yes, both still in love. Having my thirteen year old girl and that goth person screaming, running around in circles inside my head. Saying all sorts of stuff that I'm not sure I wanna hear and I sure as hell don't want to believe in - again. I just want to realize that I've been a controlling bitch, let go and move on. Whining over for this session. R.I.P. little heart.
Picture: From a Urban Exploration adventure years ago. And to all of those dead dolls we've found in that tunnel, R.I.P.
Soundtrack: The pitter patter of my thoughts spinning around late at night. Password or no Password. R.I.P
Nomb. Trying to fight back those tears. As soon as I think its over they start all over again but I wont cry anymore. I've had enough. That's it. My heart is closed for business.
A friend of mine said : "What you need is to cry, and shout, and dance, and fight. Preferably all at once." Yeah, I should. I guess. But believe me when I say that at the smallest little things, I break down and cry.
"Nothing hurts like Hope" is written on my wall, thanks to another friend.
Nightmare: Heaps 'n Heaps! I usually fall asleep before I hit the pillow but this whole week has just been a struggle, tossing and turning. Waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall asleep again. Vivid nightmares and feeling restless altogether. However, I'd gotten "The Sandman" (wiki) form the library yesterday and gosh, it felt oddly comforting falling asleep with Morpheus in my hands.
Job: Third interview, still no answer from any of them though. Humpf.
Person of the day: Mr. Smith who wanted to throw up when he saw what actually happens inside the slaughter houses, even the ones in Sweden. And also watched Earthlings with me last week.
I thought I'd give you a private tour of my little head today. I should warn you though, there's heaps of whining, negative thoughts and the occasional sour comment.
Feels like I'm banging my head against the wall, going around in circles. I just can't seem to move on. But I guess Zhe has, untagged us (ha, yeah I know I'm thirteen) in one of our pictures. So why keep on dreaming?
A pessimist confronted with two bad options will chose both. A realist confronted with two bad options knows better then to chose and will whine "when" they both occur.
Guess which one I am?
The "Quote" is made up by me, feel free to come up with a better phrase or comment. However, I got inspired by Smithis blog.
Completely unmotivated to everything the past week. Spending way to much time in my little room, my little cocoon. Rapped up in my thoughts and an overdose (is that even possible?) of Gilmore Girls. Winter time in Sweden, yay? Nope. Even though I must admit - the snow is absolutely beautiful. That winter wonder land outside my window is just a bit to much to handle though. Everything is frozen in time. My (non existing) relationship with Zhe. My friends back in Göteborg which I so wanna see again but rather not hitch below zero again (1900 kilometres was quite enough). Sweden is lovely in the summer but the rest of the year? Nah, I so (need?) wanna get out of here.And out of my sour feeling sorry for myself mood. Humpf.
Give me a job and I'm yours, Baby!
Picture: Zhe's picture which hir untagged us from.
The Winter Wonder Land - The playground I where I usually hang out in summer time.
Soundtrack: Well, its a bit embarrassing but I've come to appreciate all sorts of different music over the last year so here it is, soundtrack of the day is, behold, Beyoncé - Halo. Cause there's nothing like a Queer dance floor to change your mind. Got picked up by a cute girl at last summers Gay underwear party at Högkvarteret (or it got turned into that club later on). Thanks! Today its dedicated, oh my... You'll never guess? [Blank]
Nightmare: Yup. Can't remember what it was about but know I had some.
I was interviewed the morning after "Hit the Production" demonstration in Copenhagen - 13th of December 2009. These are my reflections... And me caught on camera! Gosh, I don't know whether to run and hide or smile. Gosh, I just look so exhausted and I'm not used to speaking in front of a camera at all. Talking way to fast, acting all nervous + of course, Mr. n' Mrs. pronunciation and vocabulary kindly waited outside my head to let me make a public fool out of myself. Even better, now I'm posting it on my blog?! Gee, another brilliant idea? One never knows. Well, my own private hall of shame/fame - Here I come.
THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE
| COPENHAGEN TURNS INTO A POLICE STATE | Part 1
THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE
| COPENHAGEN TURNS INTO A POLICE STATE | Part 2
THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE
| COPENHAGEN TURNS INTO A POLICE STATE | Part 3
Picture: Me having a Dread Head moment. And if you look carefully you can spot the huge as tree tattooed on my back.
Soundtrack: Perfect Circle - Sleeping beauty (Lyrics)
I know I've used it as my soundtrack before but its an classic and the video, fan made btw, is just brilliant. Besides, it sorta fits in perfectly with... oh gosh, here comes the melodramatic drama queen, my situation with Zhe. I. I. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Heart: Confused. Really confused. I replied Zhe's mail (just as I mentioned in my a previous post) Haven't gotten an answer to that one yet but, yes... we ended up chatting for a bit a couple of days ago. You know the drill, "I miss you, I'm still in love with you, this hurts like fuck". Gee. Thanks. Never could have guessed that one. Gosh, what ever am I going to do with you? (or with me for that matter?)
A good friend of mine said;
- "All the bad stuff and none of the good stuff. Genious."
- "Huh? none of the good?" I replied.
- "Yes, ponder this: if you've got a messed up relationship with Zhe then you'll at least get to be around hir. At the moment though, you're sitting all alone in your room, missing Zhe AND hurting. So none of the good stuff but all of the bad."
- "haha... yeah, you're right. I guess."
Thinking of moving to Göteborg, want to real bad. Although its sorta giving up on Stockholm, isn't it? Or is it just me wanting to hit the road again? In need of a new place? Something to get my mind of things? As far away from Zhe as I can get but hir knows all of the people in Göteborg too so... Been hiding from the world for the last week or so, not knowing what to do or where to go. Got another job interview here in town and I don't know what I want anymore. Torn between realities.
What happened next has been described as torture by the legal council I visited directly after I got out. I didn't understand what was happening in the begining. All the sudden I had a hard time breathing, it hurt. And as I looked around my cellmates (cagemates) held pieces of cloth over their mouths and noses. Trapped and with no were to go the cops (after firmly holding our door in place again) used pepper spray to calm us down. Everyone took the blankets and put them up against the bars, tor the benches from the walls and made even more noise. But just as in a previous quote, "To calm people with pepper spray is just as effective as trying to calm a cat by shoving custard down its anus". It didn't exactly help. Pepper Spray? The cops are actually using peppers spray on us? I couldn't believe it. This was just not happening. And for those of you who don't know, just like I didn't, pepper spray spreads throughout the room and will stay there for quite some time not just affecting one person but the whole lot of you. Which meant that we were all breathing in pepper spray for the next couple of hours. Needless to say, I got a bad rash covering my body afterwards which took about 3 or 4 days until it went away.
But the best part was when everyone started chanting at the top of their lungs "This is what Democracy looks like!!!" which resulted in even more pepper spray... And hey, I'm all for democracy. Its just that this, that we're calling Democracy and keep on forcing everyone in the world to convert to - well, come on you guys! Its just not it. This is what "your" democracy looks like, wanna come and check out the real thing? Or try some Anarchism on for a change? Some real, sweet beautiful Anarchism. There is a whole lot more to it then media wants us to believe. Remember "Freedom of Speech"? "They" obviously don't.
Eventually the riot police stormed us, stormed all the cages (at least on the woman side) and took away everything. Pressing us up against the wall and threatinging us with their weapons. They even took away our water. Shortly afterwards all the woman were transfered to the other side of the hall were the men were keeped. Of course still seperate but these cages had thicker bars - haha! They didn't count on us actually being able to break out. HAHAHAHA! you know what, we're just as pissed off as these guys are!
No water, no warmth, no food and the general freeling of hoplessness spread through out the room. After about six hours we were set free, fresh air had never smelled so good to me! There's a new law in place that got passed just before the COP15 in Denmark. It means that the Police has the right to a so called "preventive arrest". (1,2, wiki) Which basically means that they can arrest anyone for anything and say that the persons were planning on making trouble later on. You don't even have to have anything ileagl on you!! And yes, the Police actually stop people on the streets to check them. Randomly.
The new Law says that people from Denmark can be held in custady for up to six hours without any real reason and of course longer if they want to. Foriners can be there for twelve hours. but we we're lucky, the gang on the night before had been there for twelve hours and got fed meat. (Arrested at the big demonstration 12 Dec 2009). Hey, we're environmentalists! A lot of vegans if you hadn't noticed?? They also had to sit on the grownd for several fuckin' freezing hours before getting on the busses that transported them to the prision. And a lot of them were set free after an hour on the bus too, not enough space to hold them all. Gosh. And this was a planed arrest too!!
Heaps of info out there about that one, here's a quick youtube:
Heart Status: I finally got up the nerve and replied that email I got from Zhe about a week ago. (I'd sent a short reply saying I'd get back when I knew what to write as soon as I read it and now I sorta worked out what to say, more or less.) I guess now its my turn to wait again. But I don't even know if there is gonna be an answer to this one. Or what type of answer I want. Still all confused inside and... in love.
Nightmare's: Heaps. I stayed at Electroboy's house before hitching back to Stockholm and I hadn't been asleep for more then a minute or two when the first one hit me. And then they kept on coming all night. Every night. I don't know what I'm afraid of but it sure as hell isn't funny anymore.
Person of the Day: A random anonymous comment I got about my blog, thanks. Your thoughts and words mean a lot to me.
Soundtrack: The Streets and anything else British Bitter Trip-Hop sounding. Make's me frown, smile and pout while trying to sing along. It also seems to numen the heartache, only one draw back though, numens everything else too - with extensive listening.
Addictions: Travel + Hitch hiking, tea, art, dance, larp, play, cartwheels, my cell phone, music, the road, computers n' internet
Politics: Green-Veggie-Queer-Anarchist-Socialist
Loves: Animals&Nature, dark chocolate, warm hands, Urban Exploration, hitch-hiking, demonstarting, creating stuff/art, dancing, runnin' through the grass bare feet, adventures
Hates: to freeze, winter, autumn, losing control, my conscience, Falling in Love
Scared of: insects, the dark, Pennywise the Clown, Losing control, deep water, meat, freedom of will and not having freedom of will, the entrapment of a "relationship" (I'm a Relationship Anarchist), capitalism
Massive Attack, Queen, AFI, Takida, CombiChrist, Björk, Coheed & Cambria, Lacuna Coil, Deine Lakain, Bush, Pink, Rammstein+Tatu-kombo, Juli, Covenant, VNV Nation, Soulfly, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Silbermond, K-pist, Tool, Stabbing Westward, Within Temptation, Smashing Pumkins, The Used, Skillet, Architecture in Helsinki, Säkert!, Detektivbyrån, Fall out boy, Kate Nash, Freak Kitchen, Hello Saferide, Gwen Stefani, Eskalator, GoGol Bordello, Muse, Fall out boy, Shout Out Louds, Antony and the Johnsons, Blink 182, Rage agains the machine, Skunk Anansie, Arcade Fire, Silverchair, Kent, Dntl, Kora, Minuit, Sidewalk, Ladi 6, Lykke Li, Lamb, Lama, Stay Ali, Dubstep+Drum&bass, Mint Royal, Sigur Rós, Fat Freddy's Drop, Katchafire, The Black Seeds, Sidewalk, Joel&Joakim... and much more.
A couple of months ago I heard that a hmm, should I say acquainted (?) died whom I've meet at a couple of party's back in Nelson. He was a great guy (yeah yeah I know, we always tend to say that when they're dead but this guy really was). And now I've still got him as a Facebook Friends. In fact, that's how I got to know that he'd passed on and I was even able to watch his burial, streaming all the way over here. Strange. I'll send you a thought and a little prayer in what ever religion or non religion you want, my dear. R.I.P.
