isobelll - with 3 l

As I've thought it over and over in my little head I've sorta come to the conclusion that either I'll give up the contact completely or I go with Communication is Key. And Kim (the example person in the previous post) who represents a few people in my life, is in one of the cases thankfully finally aware of the severe situation. So once again, Communication is Key. And even though friendships might end I'd rather talk it through and know why, where and when then just mirror the silent treatment. The change has to start within oneself, right?

Either way, with one of the persons giving me the silent treatment I've come up with a crisis plan. If the situation occurs again, we're both responsible for launching or should I say, releasing "Sydney". A non gender, objective third person with the soul purpose to look upon our situation and remind us not to fall into gender status problems, to watch out for the heterosexual norm, not to use domination techniques (härskartekniker in Swedish), that trust is hard to regain once lost and so on. I'm exited and a bit nervous, hopefully we wont need it but if we do, will it work? As we're both used to slipping into characters (we've been larping for years) that issue shouldn't be a problem but seeing stuff objective while being in a state or anger, sadness or power might be a challenge yet to conquer.

Soundtrack: Mistabishi - From Memory
Thx, Auan!!

I've "recently" talked about how much I hate getting "The Silent Treatment" and have since then experienced it over and over again. Today I got so sick of that I asked myself and on Facebook - "wonders, what's an effective cure for "The Silent Treatment"? (When someone simply doesn't talk to you.)" I got heaps, (yeah, wow...!) and heaps of responses (I must say I really do love getting some input, like everyone else I guess. )
But after receiving the first few tips I wasn't sure about what actually was qualified as "The Silent Treatment". To be able to find a cure, I must first make sure that I know the exact definition of the problem, right? So here it goes, taking a random person called Kim (a non gender based name, which I will call hen instead of him/her as an example.) Anyone of these and/or a combination is my own definition, what's your's?:

1. Kim ignores my attempts to contact hen
2. Kim doesn't answer my txt's, mails, telephone calls and so on.
3. after pointing out to Kim that I'd like to have an answer, hen either
   a. says "Yeah, I'll get back to ya...!" and doesn't
   b. doesn't respond at all
   c. says "Oh, its just been such a stressful day, sorry... I'll call (txt, mail) you later" and doesn't
   
4. Kim's "non-answer" becomes and "answer" in itself
5. Kim uses the term "Sorry, its just been so much going on." excuse one to many times
   (How does one define "one to many times"?)
6. makes me feel invisible
7. gives me a bad consciousness cause I'm pressuring hen to answer me
8. gets me to check my mail/phone Way to often for an answer
9. Kim makes me worry like fuck cause hen might be in trouble, knows this but doesn't answer my "are you alive or should I call the hospitals???" txt's/calls
10. makes me feel embarrassed about wanting to have contact

 Here are some of the responses I got, and I do hope you guys wont kill me for quoting you (anonymously) (Some are "marked" cause I for some reason found them to be real important or interesting):

• "Sending an e-mail titled "this probably won't interest you". No one can resist that."
• "Saying "You're a dipshit for not talking to me." Or something? :/"
• "The permanent cure? Steeling oneself, saying "Kk. I'm one of those who're, like, a fan of two-way communication. You're not. Ergo, we're not compatible. Have a good life, since you're apparently not keen on being in mine.""
• "Some people need time to process whatever it is they are dealing with. Some people need a long time. You can't hurry them, you just have to wait until they can talk again. Even though they won't talk now, they might appreciate you reminding them every now and then that you will be there when and if they do want to talk later.
  
  If it is not about ... them needing time, or just being busy – if it is just that they don't want to talk, not now and not ever – then the case is pretty much a lost one. Get other friends. At least it will cure you from worrying about what you cannot change."
  
  
• "Shotgun?"
• "in my experience the difference between the first and second case is that in the first case it's always possible to say "I need to process this but I haven't forgotten you", and if not it defaults to the second case of "I am incapable or disinclined to give you the ten seconds of attention that would confirm to you that I'm not just trying to hurt you." - which incidentally also why my reaction to silent treatment is quite harsh."
  
  Which makes me question myself - what timespan do I have? Really? If I ask myself honestly, I'd say I'm way to impatient especially when it comes to people I care for. However, there's a time limit of 24 hours - after that I can go nuts with a clear consciousness in my humble opinion. 
  
  
• "Tried threats? A simple question asked accompanied by a tool of choice, preferably a baseball bat or a Smith & Wesson at point blank, can do wonders."  
• "They could easily be out there but I never met anyone unable to inform me that I would get no more information for a while, and why. What I _have_ seen is people who can't answer an attempt to communicate because they then feel they should answer all the previous ones also, so there would be no confusion about the status of those. This is especially the case if one such attempt contained accusations or just generally difficult subjects that cannot readily be handled right now." 
• "Sometimes people just are incompatible and that's that."
• There's a whole world of difference between being tolerant & understanding, and putting up with crap. Even the most patient and empathic love must have limits or it becomes destructive. For both parties, actually... .
  Sometimes the best thing you can do, is to tell the other that what they are doing is really not okay. And then leave, unless they change (which they seldom will)
• Are you sure you didn't do something to deserve it? Have you tried writing a real mail, with stamp and all, to explain what you're feeling?
  
  

As I've recently noticed and learnt over and over again in each and everyone of my relationships (I remind you that I'm a relationship anarchist and don't believe in having labels),  

Soundtrack:
Stay Ali - Emotional Day
Special person of the day: 
All you guys who comment my Facebook and/or my blogg - Thank you, your input means a lot to me.

Decided yet? I asked myself again as I walked home from the house squatting in Rinkeby where I've helped out last night. As the date creeps closer I'm drawing a total blank. Feels like its just gonna turn sour no matter what I do. Until I made up a little Top Secret plan just for me. Thanks to the glory of Internet and a few friends (?) its gonna be a sweet as day (don't jinks it!!), with no one knowing why. My Top Secret B-Day. Where nothing can go wrong cause --> no expectations - no regrets.

The thirteen year old girl inside my head is smiling and finally at ease while the sour goth realist says
- "watch out, don't get your hopes up. You'll end up having a shit ass day anyways, just wait and see dear darling. Wait and see... Besides, if its that important to you that no one finds out, why the hell post this on your blog? That you're wanting to keep it a secret? And whats with that anyways? Wanna feel special?"

And at the tender age of 13 she replies somewhat hurt:
- "... na, not special. That's just the point. Nothing special from someone else, nothing at all. If I'm not up to it then no expectations and I can just pretend that there's nothing going on. And its not special anyways, just a day like everyone else in a year. Heck, I'm not celebrating Christmas or well, ok New Years but... Gosh. Just no... Sorry for the accidental opening of my mouth and thoughts."

Goth Realist:
- "Your excused, for now. Ha, just wait and see... You'll know I'm right in the end anyhow."



Soundtrack:
Stay Ali (thanks to Electro Boy for shouting out that they had a gig in Stockholm coming up! Yay!)

Note to self: 
It might not be one of your brightest ideas to put the weird conversations in your head on public display.

Trying hard to verbalize what happened since my last post. I've been trying all week. And yes, it is/was to good to be true but sometimes it turns out to be real anyways. I talked it all through with Zhe and yes. Its True. The thing I have with Zhe is to good to be true but it is.

See? I can hardly write. I'm scared to jinks it if I do!


I met him and we spent about two full nights of talking until we realized that we were on the same page, that we wanted the same things. In out own little special "isobelll&Zhe-style" with Relationship Anarchism as a solid foundation. [Insert small jump of joy] Once again communication is key. Oh, yeah... Communication. Well, due to (political) circumstances that very thing - communication - has (once again) almost had a complete breakdown. Sigh. Gosh. I really do hope that "we'll" survive this.

I've been sick more or less the entire weekend with Buffy as my main company and I'll tell ya this, there's no way you can have to much Buffy however its very possible there's to little of human interaction at this point in my life, winters almost here.
Picture: of my eyes the last time I met you, Zhe.
Soundtrack: Lamb - Gorecki and Lyrics

Or is it? Is it better to have loved and been loved in return then not love at all like the famous quote from Moulin Rouge? Ha, I should have listened to myself. I should have know better then to fall in love. To let myself go. To trust. To care. Even though it was beautiful at the time I actually can't handle any more shit happening at the moment. So please. Just don't. Ok? Don't leave me.

 Picture: Art Museum in Copenhagen that I visited this summer, can't remember the artist but this one took my breath away. Thank you whoever you are.

The realistic (evil??) voice in my head:
- "Fuck, listen to yourself??! Are you really gonna beg for someone to stay? Has it come to this? Is it really worth it? Wont you lose yourself, the respect and much more?"

Shrugging, I answer:
-" But I can't, I need... No,I can't even say it. I guess two break ups in a month is some sort of record. Even if it hasn't been finalized yet. I'll find out tomorrow I suppose. At the moment I don't even know what I want. Or actually I do. I want us. I want you. I want this."

A little naive stupid thirteen year old girl is whispering into my left ear as I try to clear my head and forget about everything, even just for a minute:
- "So it has come to this? You're giving up? Good on ya? No! don't give up. Don't give up on love even though this might not work out. Besides, if its all about the distance then you sure as hell know how to handle it even if the other person doesn't. And as for prioritizing oneself? Well, yeah. But all the movies, all the music, all the art in the world can't be that wrong, now can it? Love is and will always be an important part of all our lives. And it wont go away, it doesn't matter how hard you try. you'll always fall in love again and you'll always get hurt. Again. That's the way life is. Remember Zen, remember acceptance."

I mutter:
- "pretty please, shout the hell up..."

- "No, I wont. Cause you know that I'm right. you know that the strength you can find in love, falling, bubbling, being loved is not a drug is something else. Something better if you let it be. If you want it to be. Give up this shit about "Alone is Strong" fuck it! You know you'll make it on your own, that's not the point. But letting someone, anyone, even if its "only" a friend love you and let you get inspired, feel something is what its all about."

So I close my eyes and reply:
- "No, I refuse to believe that. Besides. The other person doesn't believe it so why should I? And why should I care at all? I guess I'll find out tomorrow"

And the realist in me resides with a rather confident voice:

- "Told you so, didn't I? You knew it was to good to be true."

Scared of opening my eyes:
- "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. And I'm so sorry for messing thins up, for letting my chaotic life get that beautiful person into trouble. I'm so sorry."

I'll find out tomorrow. But before I hit the publish button I should think for a few more hours. This might actually be over the top, this might actually be way way to private. Not only for the person involved but for me. And for the record, I don't "hear" voices inside my head. Or let me rephrase, we all do. Fuck it all aye? I absolutely hate wintertime. Did I mention that?

Soundtrack: Explosions in the Sky, Tool, A Perfect Circle.
I'll leave it up to you to check them out this time.

So I hit the publish button anyways. 

I just wanna grab my stuff and go, had enough of this shit winter already and its just about to start. And I would if I only could. If I only knew where to go, what to do. Feeling that endless road under my feet again scares the shit out of me at the moment, just as much as knowing I'll be stuck here all winter. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.

Started looking for schools again, thought that might be the answer. Thought I might need to finish that degree and then I'll know what I was suppose to do with my life. But I woke up this morning, at 6.30 AM with chills running down my spine. Even if I did get in, even if I finished that damned bachelors degree in sculpture well, so what? There are no jobs anyways and I don't even know if I Can or Wanna work in the art industry at all. So why bother? And I can't seam to sit still in one location for more then a few months. I've been in Sweden for well, I don't know. More or less since July I guess. Got this room and have been mostly in Stockholm since the 1 of September. Two months later I still love my flat mates, they're awesome. Love the apartment, Stockholm and my room but it feels like I need to run again. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.

And a weekend here, a weekend there to just get away? To make that feeling of entrapment ease up a bit? Oh, well. I don't know. Panicked last night, just the thought of having to stick around here. Having no goal, nothing to do or nothing to look forward to freaked me out like shit. Applied for about 15 jobs that I probably wont get anyways cause I'm not qualified enough. Ha, you have to have work experience to get work and well... I don't. I've been studying. And oh, did I mention I've been studying Art? Which basically means I wont get a job anyways. And I'm not looking to build a career, shit I wouldn't even know where to start or what I would wanna do. Even for 6 months at a time. So I approached the problem from a different point of view, I applied for every job I could find that wouldn't immediately make me run and hide. Anything that could get that coin comin' in again. Don't know where to go when I've saved it up again. No goal but at least an escape plan. Even though it looks like I'll be stuck here until next August. And as I've already mentioned - I'm not strong enough to hit the road for real now anyways. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.

Soundtrack: Radiohead - Creep (which was the first song of the day my own radio wanted to play for me)


Person of the Day: Vexillum - who didn't ask questions and was a great late night film company.
Oh, and you guessed it right. Once again, "Dancer in the Dark". I think it must be the third time in about six weeks now. Favorite movie though, but still. I know every line, I've seen it more then ten times total. And I know that each time I'll find something new to fall in love with and a new place to cry.

Picture: Christchurch, New Zealand. A sculpture I found in a fountain in the botanic gardens which I absolutely loved.

So I went back, sat on that chair with my good friend the tattooist behind me and felt the needles penetrating my skin again. I enlarged the tree somewhat, let the branches grow just an inch or two across my shoulders and then it was filling time...

I'd been to Yoga class the night before, which made even my lungs ache. However it did remind me how to focus on my breathing and all those hours of meditation were also quite helpful. Concentration, meditation, breathing. Soon enough I could feel the oxygen mix up with adrenaline, endorphins spread across my body with a tingling sensation. Here we go!

After 2.5 hours I was getting kind of light headed though and felt like I was gonna faint but we were so close to the end, I didn't wanna stop! To stubborn for my own good as usual. Even though I could hardly sit up any more and realised that I'd probably taken this heavy breathing thing a wee bit to far. So while the needle kept on with a steady pace I changed strategy and used the sense of fainting to remember how it was to fall asleep, started breathing like I do when I wanna go to the dream land which as silly as it sounds almost happened. If it wasn't for that freaking pain of course.

The bits that were the hardest were across my shoulder blade where it curves just before hitting the armpit. The ribs and spine weren't all to pleasant either. Resting my head on my arm I could literary hear my bones vibrate as the needles hit them. But gah, the lower back was once again the hardest part. Those roots!! And I remembered how it felt getting that rat inked all those years ago. Fuck, that one really hurt!

3 hours later we were finally done and I could hardly stand up, had to hold on to stuff while trying to get to the mirror. And then the tears came, (or as close as I could being way to tired to actually cry), seeing the end result. I've wanted that tree for such a long time and now its finally here. I can still hardly believe it. But gosh, for every second I'm falling in love just a tad bit more. And I'll probably need to go back under the needle once more to tidy up a bit and fill in a couple of places where the ink didn't wanna stay put but at this point I'm just so glad its over.


Soundtrack: Whatever was on my fake-pod that day which ended up playing in the stereo. Only the "happy-nice-easy listening-soft-stuff" though.
Person of the day: My dear old friend the Tattooist
Crush of the day: Zhe (Surprised? Nah, me neither...)

Gosh, I don't even know where to begin. Its all over between me and Cat. We've been trying all summer long but after "breaking up" again and again it finally ended last week. (The quote marks mean that we're both relationship anarchists) I knew it would come. And I guess it was a sorta mutual decision even if I was crying all the way. The Silent Treatment made me cave and realize that it just couldn't go on like this. We were only hurting one another, real bad. Never the less, as that dreadful day came where I just knew what was gonna happen I still didn't wanna do it. As we strolled along the path to the same spot Cat had taken me about one and a half years ago, I could feel the wasteland that grown and somehow fitted between us as we walked side by side. But this time it wasn't a nice and bubbly experience walking down to that old mansion by the water, this time Cat took me there to break up. Or we broke up I guess I should say.

I think we must have walked and talked for almost two hours, almost beginning to fight a couple of times, confessing everything bad that had happened. Why we both felt let down and hurt. Why we weren't able to solve the problems earlier and so on. I couldn't stop my tears from falling. And at the very end, when Cat had to run of to a meeting I just said something like "say hi from me to the others" turned around and took some of the hardest steps of my life. Maybe it was me imagining things but I could feel Cat's eyes upon me, wanting to say something but knowing nothing would help now. I think I must have sat on that bench, that I found at a near by lake, for quite a while - not being able to stop crying. As I finally pulled myself together I was frozen through and through. I know we can't be friends at the moment but oh how I do miss you in my life, Cat. I'm grateful for everything that you taught me, helped me with and for letting me love you. I guess I always will.



As I got home I took all the stuff that immediately reminded me of cat and locked them away, I put all our sweet photos and put them in a map called "X - don't look at this" on my computer. I untagged our kissing pics on Facebook and realized that however hard I'd try I didn't wanna eliminate our past from my life at all. But for now, I have to. Just for now. Just a tad wee while. I hope that one day we can find our way back to a sweet friendship.

And at the very end, without being able to blame anyone for what happened (cause there none, no isolated events, just a long complex process and more misunderstandings, letting down's and hurting one another's then just about anyone can handle) there's just one thing left to say; I'm sorry, Cat.