isobelll - with 3 l

I don't know what to say, what to think, how to feel. I don't even know how I could put it all in a txt, without getting way to private. I'm sorry, you caught me off-guard. So I'm at a loss for words.

Kazai: "Now you're the one giving hen "The Silent Treatment"!! Stop thinking about yourself for a moment and think of the other person...!

Ok, I will. I'm sorry. Just don't know what to say...

"Can't you just say what you feel?"

I don't dare to admit it even to myself, I'm sorry. Even though you probably already know.


Picture: Urban Exploration tour of Stockholm, day before yesterday.
Soundtrack: Youtube video sent by txt.

Sunday its all gonna happen, I'm gonna check out Massive Attack with my mum! Yay! Lots of year ago when they came to Sweden I said to myself "Oh, well. They're probably awesome but I really don't have to see them live" and wow did I regret that! Even though they're not in my playlist at any given time I've still loved them since forever.

First love was Karmakoma which I watched on MTV as a teenie and got scared shitless. It was just about the same time as "Come to Daddy" with Ahpex Twin came on and that one also brightened up my fear of the dark. Thank you...


This was the time before internet entered my life for real and I had absolutely no idea who Massive Attack was until I one day in the record store (which I rarely visited due to low founds) found the album "Protection" on sale and "Blue Lines" next to. Wow! I was bluffed and the Cd's didn't leave my stereo for ages. Got the "Mezzanine" as soon as it hit the stores. So now its finally time, Massive Attack.

Soundtrack: A week dedicated to Massive Attack.

...Pretty, please. I really don't want this. I really can't handle this. I need to stay in control, to have my focus on what's important. On my future. I wont allow myself to lose sight of my goals. The only problem is that I can't stop it. I guess I never could. And once again my goals get altered. Not the big one's, I'd already decided to stay in Sweden a while longer. To rest and put all the pieces of my puzzle that I've gathered over the last year on the floor, turn each one over a couple of times and find out what to do next. But what I wasn't prepared for was this. You...

I absolutely hate falling in love. Can't handle it. Everyone else keeps on telling me to just enjoy the ride, that at least the one I'm being all bubble hearts for is actually feeling the same thing. But that really doesn't matter. Its not a question just about losing control of my own life, wanting to give it all up for just one more minute with him. Its about losing control over my sanity. It feels like I'm in a massive battle, I've already lost but I'm not quite prepared to put down my weapons just yet. That will make it hurt even worse if this is just a fling. I've just turned thirteen. Again.

My stereo keeps on playing silly little love songs, my eyes keep on starring into empty space and my tummy keeps on hurting - every time I get a txt from you, every time I don't. I've just turned thirteen. Again.


(Oh, I can't keep calling you Mr. B even though you got the honer of choosing your own nick on my blog its just not working for me. So I'll call you Zhe which in Chinese translates to "Anarchist", just like you are. 者zhě​)

Had a nightmare about Zhe. He said that since we're both relationship anarchist I wouldn't mind if he spent the night in my flatmates bed or if we could all just stay in there together. What? Uhm, no? RA is about finding out what we want and not what the norm has taught us about being in love. But that does Not mean that its ok to do just everything, its about communicating. Hmm, think I sorta lost the point I was trying to make.

Never the less, "uhm, no...?" I txt'd him back and woke up to check my cell. Nothing. No answer. And no txt saying what I'd obviously only dreamt. Nothing. In fact, nothing for the whole entire day! As it got up to 24 hours, preciously (yes, I'm 13??) at 3.54 pm, I thought it was just as well to set my mind into "get over him" mode. It was only then that I realised how far it had gone. That even if I wanted to I couldn't stop it now. So a very sad little dead Zombie walked the streets at "The Stockholm Zombie Walk". I've just turned thirteen. Again.

I can almost set my alarm to my mood swings, when I think that the world has gone under and everything is just plain and utter horrible existence. Its about 3 hours since the last txt from Zhe. Yup, I know, I'm sorry. I've tried. And the second I get another txt it starts all over again. I've just turned thirteen. Again.

Two hours later, after checking my cell way to often, it beeped again. Oh, How I love that sound!

And of course I'd just been a fool, he'd slept all day. He's not addicted to txt's like I am, not to facebook, like I am. He's simply just... gah, way to good to be true? Ha, listen to yourself Girl! Its hopeless to fight it off now, just sit back and enjoy the ride. I simply replied with turning the camera on me and sending him a zombie. =) I've just turned thirteen. Again.

The next night I didn't have any nightmares, I fell sound asleep as quickly as I hit the pillow and woke up as my cell beeped again (which I rarely do, or if I do I fall strait back to sleep). And while reading a cute "Good Night" txt, I fell asleep again with the cell tightly in my hands.

That's how I know that I've turned Thirteen. Again.

This is the worst idea ever! But it might just have been the medicine the doctor ordered... I'm really scared of the dark and all that shit so taking a sweet walk though the city with a horde of Zombies just doesn't feel right. But I did. Maybe cause I wanted to overcome my fear. But the important part was to show my support to anything that's happening on the streets, anything that makes people leave their home and have some fun outside - with people they don't even know.

So I bought the necessary ingredients and mixed my own fake blood. 45 minutes later I had "the perfect shade of red" or rather I had run out of food dye, time and got tired of mixing in both acrylic and pigments to get the right tone. So all of us hit the bathroom mirrors and splashed (slashed?) us some sweet (yeah, syrup was the main ingredient) blood on ourselves and hit town.

I might be able to handle Zombies from now on, at least a bit better but fuck - even though I was a part of the walk the others freaked me out anyways. And I tried to scare the crowd but one of them said "Buh!" and I almost screamed and tried to scare him back. Might have tried to hard though, sorry for that.

Hardest part was staying serious while we all were moaning down the street and when a guy said "Swineflu" I cracked up. Hearing "Thriller" get blasted over a town square near the end of the walk was kinda hilarious too. The only real negative critique I've got is that the walk was way to long, took about 2 hours? Something like that and it was way to cold. Even though Zombies don't freeze, I do.

And as I got home and looked myself in the mirror, yaiks...!! Decided to give the Zombie party a try and to my surprise they played Dubstep in the little underground (normally Medieval) bar and I hit the dance floor. So I got just as disappointed when the next DJ came on and had the normal boring industrial EMB, no thanks. Had a pretty sweet night though, accidentally scared a girl on the subway. Oopps... No I'm sorry. Its not my real Blood, I feel just fine thank you. Just a bit dead.

Nightmares? Nope. I know, I'm real proud too.






Soundtrack: Michael Jackson - Thriller

I absolutely can't stand it! It drives me nuts when people give me the silent treatment either in IRL fights, throw other means of communication or just because they forgot. I Can't stand it! When fighting I need to know that the other one is there, that the person is reacting to what I'm saying and not just letting me babble about. It feels like I have to fill the silence with something, often more yelling. And I really can't even begin to tell you how much I hate having fights when the other person hasn't got the nerve to tell me that I'm wrong. Of course I'll get even angrier at the time but then I can at least get over it and try to understand and calm down.

Oh, but there's more to the silent treatment. Like when people you care about, a lot, just forget to contact you at all. I'm so tired of being the one who's always txting people. Oh, I know I've got that whole issue with being a txt addict and I know I'm absolutely horrible at replying mails on time or at all. But please pretty please, don't shout me out of your life. Not to mention the people you know haven't forgot about you but just "don't have the time" or are just real bad at replying txt's. Humpf.


And while writing this I might mention that I've got a real nasty little voice at the back of my head saying "Oh, little one. Don't you know? They aren't giving you the silent treatment at all, they simply just couldn't care enough to bother talking to you..."
Is that the truth?

Oh, and I also hate to fact that I've some how gotten more and more private on the blog even though I probably shouldn't. Scared about posting, scared about not posting and just keeping a happy smile and scared about... oh, you know me, just about everything guess. Ha, nah I'm not that "strong and stubborn girl" a lot of people might think. I'm just good at pretending and "Fake it 'til ya make it!".

Gosh, I should really start taking my own advice. Putting the mantra "Fake it 'til ya make it" in a cheerful voice on repeat. Good one.

Picture from a exhibition in Copenhagen earlier this year.

I've always thought that there had to be guardian angels out there, friends who'd never ever let you down but I realised last week that that's not the case at all. No one let me down but after coming back from the larp "Våra Drömmars Stad" I started to analyse the scene that had meant the most to me and why it was so hard to let go. My character had gotten herself in a real bad situation and another one was trying to help her, which was rather impossible both in physical and emotional sense of the word. But then the person said, "How do you know I'm not your guardian angel?". And my world came to a complete stand still. Both in-game and as I later realised, off-game.

As I got back home I wrote it all down and found out why it'd been so hard to accept. As I preciously said, I've always believed in Guardian Angels but just as my character couldn't be saved I can't be "saved" by someone/something else then myself. No one out there, no matter how much they mean to me or I to them can step up and carry my troubles. As the larp ended and my character "lost" his Guardian Angel simply cause the game ended, I too lost mine. Knowing that there are none. And also seeing another aspect of Relationship Anarchy.

In "normal" relationships you're (almost) always meant to be the other one's Guardian Angel, saviour and complete partner. Something that can't be demanded of anyone. You're always responsible for your own actions, of course, but as we're always made to believe in media - "someone will always catch me when I fall". (Like in one of the most moving moments in my favorite movie "Dancer in the Dark" with Björk, by Lars von Trier. The song is called "In the musicals"). So I'm sorry for everything I've demanded of the people who have been closest to me at the time, I'm sorry for asking of you to "save" me although you never even had the power to to what I begged you for. We're all in this alone. And this I say with a "wise mind voice". We can listen to people, visit places, get to know animals but we can never demand of them to take care of everything. And the most important thing, a so called partner can never be held responsible for you mistakes/troubles/problems.

Now I just have to keep reminding myself that media is once again wrong about stuff. Just as they are wrong about consuming more makes us happy, war isn't to bad if its far away and meat is everyone's right cause we should kill animals for food and marriage is the goal of everyone's life. Ok, now I might be a bit harsh but Media isn't all to kind to the one's who've seen behind the curtains.

(The Picture is taken in the middle of Stockholm where I found a little angel flying about and doing its business.)

There are no Guardian Angels.

Soundtrack: Mint Royale - See you in the morning.
Today's thanks goes to Kazai, for always trying. Love ya!

Whispers... I admit. Its to late. I've fallen.

I'm trying to listen to all the advice; "Its better to have love and lost the never have loved at all", "Go for it girl!", "Just enjoy falling", "Don't give in to your fear.", "its already to late - look at yourself! You've already fallen for fucks sake, sis'!"

But the one advice that actually made me think twice and I to really appreciate everyone's - pretty please don't get me wrong. Maybe cause it just hit the right spot, while looking at my small Buddha statue and having the urge to meditate it got me to think strait for a second or two. And I quote;

"You will only find zen in stillness if stillness is indeed your purpose. The zen of the wind is to blow and of the heart, to pump.

This is precisely about your bubbles, here and now. Fear and denial are the distractions that keep you from allowing yourself to be crazy and irrational (or rationally insane?) and go along with where those dangerous feelings are taking you. This is long past "do or do not". You are already committed to action. Make that action count! THAT is where your zen is.

And when, occasionally, the world throws you flat on the ass, then your zen shall be to land."

Gosh! Thank you!

And TCDG (The Cute Danish Guy) just added (the comments are from FB under my status feed: is scared of that thing called "falling in love" and wont admit to anyone/herself that its happening. Can anyone please hit the "Stop button"??)
"What is love? If love was to be controlled? What is love? If love was without complications? What is love?
If love was anything else then the anarchistic feeling it is?!"

And thank you all for listening to my never ending babble mouth, whining, fearing, bubbling. Love ya' all!

But what made me finally admit that its already way to late for turning back was hearing the person say that they had the same bubbles about me. So I finally admit, I've fallen. And I'm scared to death. Can't handle having someone else have that effect on me, letting anyone be that important, losing control.

Picture: While I was in Thailand earlier this year, checking out every temple I could possibly find and have the energy/time to explore. Now little pictures of Buddha's and a small statue gets me to remember to slow down and find my "wise mind".

Embarrassingly long soundtrack on open display:
(links from spotify, my new friend in the glory of free internet while I'm hating the ipred law)

Extreme - More then words
Simply Red - Stars
Blink 182 - Miss you
Mint Royale - The effect on me
Lars Winnerbäck - Du får mig

And the list goes on and on... Good thing I remembered turning off last fm scrobbler, or did I??

I'm not buying it.

Trying to stabilise, trying to find some solid ground in all the chaos around me but just ending up where I stated. Starring at a lantern and not really knowing what to do next. Ha, it seams to always sound like this. Yup, that's me. Never knowing what I want or where I should go. And once again I slipped, spent way to much time in my little room , and hoped I might find out where to go from here. Nope. My head is as empty as it was before, except of the fact that my tummy's empty too.

So today's mission is not climbing a ruin in Visby, not to accept that I'm slowly falling (in love), not to save the world but simply... oh, heck I've got no idea. Do you? Or the future me reading this? I only know I'm not fully agreeing with this thing people call reality. And why the fuck should I? But its time to wake up now, honey Smell the coffee (tea) and what?


Little bubble of chaos. Press pause on reality.

Soundtrack: Björk
The picture is from a Klimax demonstration earlier this year.

----------

Ah, of course! Now I know what's wrong! Its Autumn in Sweden. Welcome to my reality. Even though my life is always in a state of chaos.

The Happy Visby gang from this summer, with newcomers and missed one's, meet up for the annual "Visby Culture Night" to catch up and party hard. Yay us! These things usually never happen even if you say "oh, we are really gonna try and see each other again." But we did. And we even managed to complete the mission that we set out to do, so many months before. So here it goes and I really do hope I wont get into trouble cause of this.

This is so uncalled for. As I finally admit to myself that I need to stay put in one place cause I can't handle missing more people at the moment, I find my darling new friends living everywhere in the country instead. I've lost little pieces of my heart in all corners of the world. But as I give it away, as I share it and open up, as I show them and the places my heart I get something very important back. Another piece of the puzzle. But being on the road meant I had nowhere to sit down and try to put all the pieces together, I guess that's why I feel that I need to stay put for a while. To sit still. And yet, I' still travelling. (Even if its not all to far.) And losing little pieces of my heart. Still missing people and gathering new once to the list of "gah, I wish you were here!". But I know that I need to leave again once I've gotten my strength back up. I need to find more pieces, lose more little hearts and fall in love with more of the beautiful places of the world.

Stood on the ferry this morning and saw the sunrise over Visby while leaving its harbour. As the sunlight hit the first house I felt an even bigger piece then usual break lose and tumble down over board, splash as it hit the cold water and be united with the love for that island and the special people who live there or just come to stay for a bubble summer happy weekend once in a while. I felt like I was losing a way to big piece for me to handle all at once to you, Mr. B until I realised that I wasn't losing it at all. (Remembering Relationship Anarchy.) I realised I'd gained another very important piece of my puzzle. One I've been looking for for quite a while. (But to make things clear, I was NOT looking for a crush/lover. I was looking for another piece of the puzzle, like I always am.)

As I've written again and again (or at least talked about but wrote real honest in Once Again back in Real Life.) I finally had he guts to stand up for myself and say no to sexual intercourse, to the actual penetration and to the dick. To be all frank and truthful. But I never realised that that didn't mean that I closed a lot of doors until now. I thought that meant that I wouldn't have sex, wouldn't get pleasure from someone else and wouldn't get all that close. I'd lose one of the important and most intimate things that happens between two people (or can happen). Of course I'd still have sex with girls and all of that but the only problem was that it seamed like I still had crushes on boys. And not the macho manly once but the sweet, often very androgynous and not thinking in a gender norm way. If you could phrase it like that.

But then I found the piece that's been missing, the one I never even thought about. While allowing myself to feel and act and remembering to be true to myself I found out that sex didn't need to be all about the penetration, genitals and orgasms. I've never even thought it was possible but it felt like we found something better, something that was even closer, more intimate and loving then the handling of flesh. And I'm not writing this to "out" anyone, I do hope Mr. B doesn't mind and even though I probably would like to just keep it to myself I found out, once again through a previous post comment, that there are others out there who can't handle the "normal" sexual intercourse. So this is to show, mostly to myself, that its very possible to make love, have sex. Or let me rephrase, its very possible to (in the extremely romantic way) "become one", "tap into each others hearts".

I was planning on having an awesome weekend with friends and a cute innocent flirt, things didn't turn out as planned. Heck, they never do. Lots of partying but no film in an old church. It was poring down outside and way to cold so they moved it to the local cinema, which wasn't as cool but still very sweet to see a scary movie all seven of us while screaming at the right places and having an educational moment, since we were watching "Peeping Tom" which, I believe, was from the sixties and ground breaking at the time. Lots of more partying, lots of sauna, tea, sweet vegan food, lovin' friends and late nights but then there was that innocent flirt which turned out to be something completely different.

Scared while writing, scared while thinking, scared while feeling but its to big to just ignore. I'm falling. Another little piece of my heart is now washed up on the shore of Gotland. And as I saw it fall hitting the waves beneath the ferry I couldn't keep my tears back anymore. Just as its hard when I'm writing this. I could always try to explain it with "Haven't slept or eaten properly for the whole weekend" and so on but I think its something more. Cause no matter what happens now I found that piece of the big puzzle that is me, so thank you Mr. B and thanks to all the poor souls who had to listen to my endless ramble about my confusing "love life". Its thanks to them that I was strong enough to say no which opened a whole world of doors for me to explore.

Wow, talk about honesty?! Well, there you have it. And it might be a bit easier to understand then my drunkin' ass trying to, well I don't know what I was thinking about, blog earlier.

(Pictures; Visby while leaving the harbour. Sunrise over Visby. Me on open water.)

So while listening to way to cute music from my teen days, missing everyone heaps and bloggin' I decide that just for today I'll stay inside my little bubble of happiness and will deal with the real world outside my window tomorrow.

Soundtrack: Sigur Rós - Milano

Uhm... I'm sorry? Well, I mean. Everything in the last post is true its just that I really shouldn't blog while way to drunk. Really not! But to my defense, the comments on one of my previous posts where I was talking about the confusion about sex/love made me realize that its a good thing to just write, talk and be honest. That someone else out there had the "same" type of problems as I do. So thank you for sharing and caring enought to comment =).

The flat (here on Gotland), with 7 lovely people, is coming to life after a hard night of partying. Just as it should be at 2 pm.

So a huge note to myself; Never ever, and I repeat, never (!) blog while drunk!! Not only the fact that I wasn't able to write in complete sentences, or that I was babbling along uhm... getting way to personal (like always??) might not be the ideal thing to wake up to. OOppss... So I'm sorry.

Starting of with "Sidewalk - President".

Wll, I gotta tell you that I'm so fucking happy. This has been like the first time since forever (?) well at least since my "puppy love" time with Cat almost two years ago. So I fuckin' deserved some good stuff. I've, it you hadn't noticed, got a HUGE crush. Like in the last two posts I've been really confused and really scared. Just like this one. But for the first time since forever its not the usual "I'm having a crush, I really don't wanna' and the other person doesn't like me at all".This time its all just to cute. Gah, I hope its not just form my side. The person in question is a newbie in terms of Relationship Anarchism but very willing to learn. So yes, I'm falling. So hard. In spite of the subject being a boy, at least to the physical side.

So what about my problem? Of telling this person whom I'm very attracted to that I'm celibate? Well, we had a "talk" yesterday and had that serious "I kinda like you but..." - talk and he didn't realize that I was a relationship anarchist. It turned out that he'd wanted to be one for several years but never really got into in it. And I, of course, feel fuckin' amazing showing him what it all means. (See under the label of Relationship Anarchism or andie.se to know more about it.) So when we all talked it through, I thought I totally lost him. I thought I was once again having a crush on someone who wasn't in the least bit interested in me. But uhm, that wasn't what happened. I let go, he let go and we agreed that we were really scared but we so wanted to go on and feel more. And later on today I (sadly) realized that it was way to late to turn back. I'm falling. And id doesn't matter how scared I am or whatever it means to him, I'm falling.

Which is really scary though, not just the fact that I'm falling again but that its a "he". Again. But as I said, the amazing thing happened. I was brave enough to tell (so I gotta give him a name?) Mr. B. (Mr?? Well, its not a macho man in such way but he got the enormous honor of choosing his own, never happened before.) Ah, gah! Yeah, as you read (probably my future self tomorrow) you'd realise that I'm quite drunk. haha... embarrassing. haha!

The best thing that happened was, besides us giving it a try, that we had sex without our genders. For the first time, and I'm 26, I had sex (or rather made love?? Do I dare to say it?? Ha, I'm to drunk not too and tomorrow its gonna be way to late to change my mind.). I had sex without my physical gender, and gah, I really hope that Mr. B doesn't hate me for outing this on my blog or that I will regret it tomorrow but gah, I'm so having the huge crush. Feeling way to much for my tummy to handle. Ha, I'm in love! There, I said it. Finally. But remember, I wont admit it tomorrow. Or will I?

So sex without the physical gender, love without the physical gender and relationship anarchism without the heterosexual norm. I'm so fuckin' game!

Having the time of my life, probably course I'm so drunk (this is the first time I admitted being drunk while bloggin) and finally being brave enough to feel everything. Write anything and just to feel. Scared, happy, bubble and love. Tihi, love! And this is me talking, the one that is so scared of feeling anything more the friendship. Ha!So even more way to personal stuff on my blog, like I haven't don't that one before. Ha!!

So music of the day; Shit, I don't fuckin' know eye. But from he stuff that we've been listening to this night its been "I miss you - Blink 182". Thank you Mr. B for making me belive again. And the most important thing, the friends down here made me belive in love again.

Song of the day might just as well be "More then Words-Extrem" And this time, you'll just have to check out goolge for the links yourself. Love ya!

And no pic's couse I haven't got them prom my camera yet, but when there's stuff I will post it. Bubble happy love to ya all.

So what happened? Well, the bubbles didn't get smaller, which at first was absolutely amazing. you know the feeling you get when everything is just right, fragile but beautiful. That was last night. But today, well. We txt'd or rather I got a txt saying that it'd been real nice but we probably shouldn't continue. Everything went silent. So it was to good to be true? I knew it! Fuck this shit!! And then, ha then!! you know actual communication creates wonders in all sorts of relationships and everything is (seams, oh please pretty one!) to be good now. Hopefully.

The flat took a day of from reality and stayed in, hanging out and reading. Until nightfall when we climbed up in a real cool church ruin and lit some candles up there for everyone to see. Just as scary as it was dangerous I suspect but of course lots of fun. A real mission. Gah, I do really love it here!

Btw, still fighting or not talking or I really don't know what's happening to Cat. Really miss him though. Fuck.

Song of the day: Sidewalk - President

Went to another larp last weekend, "Våra Drömmars Stad". This time set in "1800-1900" sentry, sorta. Had a good group and stuff but the larp actually sucked. Big time. Got a couple of good scenes but nah, really. I thought I was going to "thriller" type story based larp with sound and video effects. I ended up on a larp with way to expensive clothes (not on me) which made everyone scared of actually moving around in them and it turned out to be some sort of British "Murder theory" but without the murder(?). Finding, receiving and talking to people about the clues you'd gathered. A Game. Uhm, did I mention that I'm actually registered as the worst riddle "sovler" on the continent at this present time?

So the rest of the life? Well, Autumn is here. And my panic with it. Still kinda silent but coming. Trying to keep my focus, trying to keep busy (which isn't a problem for me as most of you all know) and getting quite creative which is great.

Still finding the need to stay in Sweden or rather to stay put, sit still and think. I've never known what I want to do but last January I decided I wanted to study art full time and move to New Zealand. Finally I had this great plan but as all planes they never turn out as you thought. I've got no regrets, It was absolutely the best thing I've ever done. And even though school wasn't up to my expectations I had a swell time travelling and getting to know my self.

Recap:
July 2007, I stated studying art in Stockholm
January 2008, I decide to move to New Zealand
July 2008, I move to NZ and begin my new school
October 2008, I realise that I'm not going to come back to school next term.
November 2008, The road is my home
September 2009, Stockholm is my home.

Picture of me on the road.








I've been on the road more or less for a year. Or more. After realising that art school over there wasn't as good as I hoped I thought that I would find out what I wanted to do with my life by travelling. And I sotra did. I want to do more, see more, be creative, move around, love and work with nature, animals and art. I've got a real addiction to Larp which can't be found (in the way that I like them) in any other place but Sweden. I also found out that I needed to be around my friends. As corny as it sound. Gah, I missed everyone heaps. And I'm not really keen on missing them so soon again. I need to stay put, even though I'm always travelling in my heart and all around Sweden I need to try and find out what I want to do with my life. I know I want to study art - but not at the moment.

I know I've talked about it over and over again, its just that I really don't know. In the same way as I really don't know about this thing called sex. I've always loved it, no matter what gender or style but now... No. I know I've always loved to be with girls and "the people who don't define their gender" (in lack for better description). But men? Well, I haven't had a problem before. Or I had with the macho manly men. And its gotten worse.

At the moment I've gotten over my last big summer crush and in true "isobelll style" gotten right back on the horse and am having all these bubbles for someone else. Of course someone that I hardly know. But now for the scary parts starts, its a he and he seams to like me back. Fuck!! I'm not good with all of that shit anymore. As I said, we hardly know each other (and OH, I'm as always getting way to personal? Sorry) but we're texting and getting real cute. He doesn't live around here which is great, I can live my life just as always. But then there is the "I'm missing him!" part which sucks. Like I'm always missing people all around the globe. Sigh. Note to self: By travelling a lot and larping you'll get friends all over, if you find this "missing thing" hard then you might think about stop travelling - Ha, like that's ever going to happen!!

So once again I'm confronted with the two things that scare me most of all. Its a guy and he (well, that's what I think at least - gathered from the texting ) sorta likes me back (or is he just atracted (here my bad selfconfidens raises her voice in a foul and bad manner and starts to whisper lots of thing that I wont tell here and will try to inore all togeher)). Which is all nice and good but it means, you guessed it, sex. Cause of the simple fact, it seams like, that we're both adultes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm really attracted to him and wow I'd love to have sex but does the dick really have to be a part of it? (As I complained about all this shit to my brother last night he went and grabbed the sissors, "This might solve the problem?").

This has been my main theme for the last 6 months - no dicks. I've failed over and over again but every time I'm in a quite foul mood for the next coulple of days. So seriously, no dicks. At least until I figure out what's wrong, or if you'd like me to rephrase, what's right. Now comes the issue of telling to him, that I'd love to have a cute flirt (or whatever happens) but no sex which is scary. And for once realising that it wont do with, "I'll make up an excuse at the last moment", "It wont be all that bad will it?", "But I am really attracted?", "I am real horny though, that should mean that I actually do want it?", "oh well, I don't want to disappoint him. Just get it over with." I know all about the classic saying "if he likes me it wont matter", "I don't need to spread my legs for someone to like me and if its only that then I can just as well do without." But grr, the bubbles and wanting to be the subject of bubbles in tummy back feelings are still very much all to real. Well, I should just stop thinking, be honest and let the weekend to all the work cause we're all meeting up on Gotland for the "Night of Culture". Yay! A sorta reunion of the summer time medieval week at the flat with sauna, party, friends (some old ones and a lot of newcomes) and the highlight will be seeing a scary movie in one of the old church ruins at night. Freezing Cold!!! And I don't know what I'm more scared about, the movie, the cold or (I do really hope) him - warming me, holding my hand.

Bubbles. Scared. Confused. Chaos? Well, thats me. Always in some state of chaos but at least I'm smiling this time. (And blushing.) Shit, he might read this. Uhm, no good idea of publishing or just the right thing to do? Uhm, fuck. Well, its to late now? Shit, shit, shit. Scared way beond the point of ok and all bundled up in a teenie crush. But maybe I'll just see him and realise that its been all in my head? Bubbles simply cause I "felt like" having bubbles? Hitting the Publish button before I can change my mind.

Music: Lamb - Lusty and Lykke Li - Little bit.

Ha, but what's real? Not a lot in my life. Not according to real people with real jobs. But what the fuck, I'm back on top of my game. I just got a room! Yay me! Fuck yeah! Got a lot of larps, travelling and projects to keep a close eye on within the near future. Going to Göteborg on Thursday for a sweet reunion with the "White Trash gang" and so on.

So I got a room, I got a sorta job or I got enough money to pa my bills and eat, I've got heaps to do and my horrible crush is finally letting me go. (I was the one having the crush, hate it when that happens.)

And the larp "Krigshjärta III" was pretty good in the end anyways, I had some real cool scenes, so called meta scenes, where we go outside the game and freeform what could be thoughts, dreams, memories or anything else that wants to get out. Sweet as. Thanks to Tarick, my family, Lukas and all the rest - you know who you are.


Oh, and did I mention? I've got a room!!! Haha, nah but seriously. I've been looking for ages and this one I can afford and I move in next week. Mint!

Music: Michael Jackson

Colder nights, real windy and before you know it - Autumn will be here. And my panic with it. I thought I could stand the cold this time, I thought I could handle the darkness but I'm thinking I might be fooling myself. Just another method of calming my nerves, not having a place to live or anything to do really. It feels like my entire being is in chaos. Just as always I might point out - there is always a certain amount of chaos in my life but when it turns sour... It feels like I'm running away if I give up on Sweden at the moment, not having fulfilled the stuff I needed to do here (trying to find out what my sexuality is, learning to say no and getting my body to function properly again?). But as soon as I start to feel that cold wind upon my skin I can feel the old panic setting in. Soon the leafs will have turned in all shades of red and die. I need to have green around me, I need to be able to see that summer fresh green every day.

But the biggest fear of it all is that with the Fall coming it means that reality is coming, the cold dark one that hits you in the head and says its time to grow up. Its time to get going with your life. I've worked so hard to get rid of all of that. Please don't make me go back there. I'm scared shitless of a 9-5 job, a stylish apartment with a long term lease and a steady partner. Thatäs what everyone else calls life - I call it prison or maybe even hell.



The fucking larp is as always taking up way to much of my energy and commitment. I really just want to run away, now.

Scared. Silent panic.

Music of the day: Spirited away soundtrack

...things couldn't get worse. They of course did. One of my relationships seams to have turned really sour and even though I really believe that we could salve this somehow its not doable right now even though we still love each other. Fuck this shit!!

After having dinner with a sweet girl yesterday I crashed at her place but woke up in the middle with a bad nightmare and huge tears running down my cheeks. I really need to get out of here. If it wasn't for that damn larp I'd pick up my things right now and run again.

Trying to take it one day at a time. Just one more day. No more whining for now.

I've been a vegetarian on and off (off cause of horrible rfealationships where I wasn't allowed to be a veggie) since I was 13 and now for about 3 years until I noticed something just a few weeks ago. I was getting a headache and nausea each time I was close to milk but as I really liked oat milk I had that for a few days and the problems went away - so now days I'm a lactose intolerant vegetarian with a dream of becoming a vegan (which I'm in a practical scene am). Yay! I avoid milk products in any way I can. Cheese has been out of the question for some time now cause it almost always contains rennet which is made out of cows stomach. Iiiijou! No, Thanks!

So hello world, I'm your new practising vegan. =)

I'm sorta' getting ill again. Surprise? Nope. The larp I'm going to in a week is all fucked up and I've got way more to do then I'm ok with. Lots of shitty things happening outside the larp itself, people not liking each other and that stuff. Grr.

Still no home, no job but maybe maybe a place where I can have some practical training which allows me to look for more work and get some references. Holding every thumb I can find. Bubbles and confusion everywhere. Stress. Food doesn't really seam to be a good idea at the moment, including sleep which I've rarely got time for. Still in a total state of "fuck - the festival week with all my friends has come to an end" and missing everyone.

A total confusion on sexuality or being close to people. Not much different from yesterday I guess. Just a tad more stressful.

Enough whining for today, chaotic life. Yay! I'm somewhat surprised that I'm not falling yet. Keep the good work up? Hoping for it.

Music of the day: Mint Royal (Thx to Electroboy)

I've been way to busy to write anything here, up and down just as usual I guess. I've been out on the road to lots of different events and festivals for the last month. To a larp which sucked in the game way but I had a couple of great experiences and meet some beautiful people. It was called Tueolenas Port and was in a fantasy setting - I'm so over larping in those worlds but as I said, the people - you know who you are - made my larp. =)

When I got home I got back on track with the cold I got on the Arvika Festival, of course. And as I thought that I'd concurred that one I hitched down to Göteborg to meet up with the crew from the larp. Worked at a Medieval festival, lived in a trailer from the not so great parts of the sixties? With 6 people, crammed in and of course we had to be the White Trash gang. Fuck, I'm so in love with all of these crazy lovin' beautiful people who just adopted me into their crew and as the festival progressed they even made a official (?) welcoming ceremony that went something like this; after drinking way to much of G's Whisky I tumbled around with one of the boys having a play-fight when Electroboy pins me down, G sits on the other side looking the other arm and Charms gets on top and starts pouring wine in my mouth - "Welcome to Gothenburg!!". And if I hadn't laughed all the way I'd probably would have been really pissed of - but I love these guys! Ha! I've sworn revenge though. Watch out!

Hitched back to Stockholm where I fell down on the couch and got real ill again, this time I went to the doctor - got real strong medicine and went blank for the two weeks. Gah! Fucking cold! Morphine, bad as painkillers and penicillin. Choho??

But as the Pride Festival in Stockholm was booming in the streets I'd gotten all better again and partied as much as my somewhat torn body would allow and even meeting some pretty girls, yum! You know who you are ;p.

Packing my gear again I went back in time once more and to an island outside of Sweden named Gotland to the Medieval city called Visby where there's an absolutely fantastic festival every year. A week filled with Medieval music, everyone is dressed up and partying all week long. I sold a lot of my gloves that I've been needlebinding.

Finally confirmed that the bubbles I'd been feeling for the last few weeks for a person were way to real. Fuck this! I'm not game. I'd decided to go against all festival scene, the same as I've made as a rule all summer long, and had a no sex rule for myself (which I on occasion don't give a fucking rats ass about). To much shit is going on. Way to queer, way to insecure with what I want in bed to even try and get my head wrapped around it at the moment. I just know that I'm not game for the heterosexual stuff anymore even though I've seam to have no problems falling for boys I'd rather not have sex with them or I'd rather they take care of "that one down there" on their own, kinda. Or what the fuck, I don't know anymore. Wierd. So what about the "Real Men" - uhm... No way!!

I just got back this morning from Gotland and am way to emotional and messed up to really be writing anything that makes sence I guess. The party's, the people, the hanging out, the shows. Living in an absolutely fabulous flat that was in a total state of Hippieness all week long complete with sauna after party's. The White trash/Göteborgs gang, the Arabs and all the rest... Gah! I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you all. And yes, as you might have guessed at this state of no sleep I am actually having way to many tears in my eyes to write this shit. Fuck missing people!

What sucks even more is that summer is nearly over, its gonna be warm for a bit longer but reality is gonna hit me at the latest in about two weeks even though its really close now. And I haven't got a clue of what the fuck I'm gonna do with my life. I don't have anywhere to live, no job and no school. What to do? I really don't know. So I guess its back on the road? Well if I don't find anything soon I'll be leaving again I guess but that would feel more like I was running away and not going to something. And btw, it doesn't feel like I'm "back" in Sweden - this is where I need to be at the moment to get a grip of my life. This is me going forward, thank you. And no, I'm not done travelling. I've just realised that something's need to be sorted out with friends close by and in a environment that doesn't hate woman, non heterosexuals and veggies.

Music of the day: Evanescence (with all of its tears, with all of its fake goth shit going directly into my vein's.)
Bubble of the day: Confidential.
Pictures will come up later, I just have to run and find that hug from Cat right now...