I can't even begin to describe the feeling as they finally came on stage. We were all stunned. Moved to tears and the only thing I could feel or at least phrase was "Thank you". The utter and complete feeling of gratefulness. So Thank you, Massive Attack! You were absolutely brilliant! Pure Love.

Still not celebrating Christmas with a merry bunch of queer friends, hanging out for about four days or so. Sweet.Vegan food, games, movies, sauna...

Heart: Gosh, wounds do heal with time and time means forgives. My heart is still very much broken but I'm not as angry anymore and I have a hard time remembering why we parted at all, or I do know its just that I've sorta... Oh, I don't know. I've started to dream again, about Zhe. That it would in some magic way be all sweet and cute once more. Bullocks. But Zhe hasn't been contacting me at all even though hen's FB status is still screaming that he misses me. Why doesn't he just call? Yeah, that's right. No cell. Mail? Gah, gotta start getting over this shit. Gotta stop dreaming and hoping for stuff that will just never happen anyways. Fuck it. Bullocks.

Still Dreaming.

Soundtrack: Do I even have to mention this one? Massive Attack!! And thanks mum for coming along with me, I had a great time!

Person of the day: Mum who I got to share this massive experience with!

They thought we were gonna be about 30.000, maybe even 50.000 people at the big demonstration on the 12/12-09 crying out for Climate Justice. But we blow them away, we were a merry bunch of a fuckin' 100.000 people marching towards Bella Center were the COp15 meeting was held.

Just like the rest of you, ok there are exceptions I must admit, I hate Christmas and have never really gotten the part where you're just spontaneously suppose to be all happy and giving. Uhm, what about the rest of the year? And what is that thing with buying stuff so you don't feel guilty abouty not telling the ones you love that they're important? I don't get it. I really don't. So since a couple of years back, I don't celebrate Christmas. (Yeah, neither Christmas or my birthday!) Which is always some sort of struggle. Cause I can't live in an isolated bubble outside of society however much I even want to do at times - all the Christmas jingles do affect me to. I just chose not to obey them.

I consider my friends as family but at Christmas time they all suddenly get a family, relatives that want to hang out with them as cause they have the same last name/blood line/background they need to spend it together even though most of my friends hate it and would love to just not bother.

In the Winter Wonder Land of Sweden I decided that it was finally time for me to say hi, get some much needed hugs and love by some of my favorite people. I'd already decided this before everything went to pieces with Zhe again but gosh, then I knew I really had to get out of there. So back on the road. Only problem? Its below zero outside.

So notes to self and other who plan on hitching during wintertime when there's heaps of snow (these are an add on to the normal hitching advice I've blogged about here):

1. Get lots and lots of lights and reflectors - try and look as a much as a Christmas tree as you can! You'll end up registered as road kill if you don't - as soon as its dark (which happens at 3 PM in Sweden) no one can see you at the side of the road.
2. Bring a flashlight that you can flash at cars, this will also help them to see you if you get stuck somewhere.
3. Needles to say, lots of warm clothes. You're gonna need to be able to change too, when you start sweating or they get wet form the snow.
4. Always bring food, water and a dehydration tabbs. 
5. Have a friend keep track on your whereabouts standing on guard if something would go wrong or if you're not txting hen for a while.
6. In summer time, find a good spot and keep it for about half an hour. Winter? No, keep moving. Don't stick around until your frozen through and trough. Even though this means giving up a good spot, you can always return to it.
7. In summer, every distance is a good distance. In winter hitching, you'll need to ask them more specifically what place their are gonna drop you of at. Try and stick to main roads and know where you're next gas station (for warmth!) is located. 
8. Bring smiles, lots of smiles! As always. You'll need them when it gets dark.
   
9. Make your hat look as natural as possible or not wear one at all, remember the rule of "nothing on your head" from summer time hitching.
10. And most important of them all - make sure to check the weather if there's a blizzard heading our way!
    

So, 14 hours and 7 cars later with the temperature at -14 °C I arrived at my end destination - Electro Boy's place in Göteborg. Almost giving up at one point though, dark and stuck basically in the same spot for hours. Cold as fuck and having the clock tell me its gonna be even colder in a couple of hours. Gosh, that surly was the hardest hitching I've done. Nothing I recommend for a newbee.

Oh, and remember. Even if the cars can see you, there's theoretically space enough for them to pick you up, there's heaps of ice and snow covering the side of the road so a lot more people will think "nah, its to dangerous.".

Got picked up by Trix at one point which was heaps of fun! They hardly remembered me but I sure remembered them form their shows and a couple of larps/parties/mutual friends and of course Facebook. Thx heaps guys! Good company, nice stories and in the middle of it all a surprise visit at one of the guys cute dates so they could sing a Christmas carol for her. Haha! You were the best ride of the day!

Or hmm, maybe that was the couple who drove passed me on the highway at 7 PM, turned their car at the next possible exit to drive back and pick me up. Then they also decided to make a d-tour to let me out in Göteborg - yay!! I honestly don't know what I would have done if they hadn't picked me up, I was so close to giving up but I had no alternative either. Give up to what? Good part about hitching on big roads in the dark though, admitting and sharing a rather embarrassing secret here, is that you can scream, sing and cry as much as you want. No one will hear you. Which was exactly what i did. Comes in handy when another one of those "heart broken" feelings come along and turn your insides out.

Nightmare: Heaps of small weird ones. But it was so nice to sleep beside a good friend though. Thx, Elecroby.

Picture: Random internet.

Soundtrack: "Du måste finnas" - Helena Sjöholm

A beautiful song but WAY to religious for me (and no, I still don't believe in God), but for some reason I started singing it at the top of my lugns while hitching yesterday.

Is that it? Is that really it? Karma payback time? Ok, thank you. I got the message. Thank you.

This year has to be some sort of record. I've seen stuff, visited places that I'd never even dreamed of. Meet people who've taught me valuable lessens when I needed them the most. And I guess that includes the once I'd rather been without. The break ups. Cause gosh, there's been heaps. Remember Spikey? It must have been about three break up attempts with him (He being the one going back and forth.). Then the big summer lash out with Cat (I'd been/(am?) in love with hen since January 2008 (?)), nope I'm not over that one yet. And as I got back to Sweden, well... It never got even close to what we had before. We got off on the wrong foot. I still love hen though, heaps. Actually way to much. But its not gonna work. And then Zhe, in and out. Back and forth. Six bloody break up txt's from him!! WFT?! And I took him back, time after time. I caved. But that is defiantly it. I can't take anymore. I don't wanna have my little heart broken once more this year, come on! That's not to much to wish for is it? It's not even two weeks left of 2009? Pretty please? But don't say hi till its over.

And what do I wish for next year? Gosh, anything but Love! I always wish for anything else but love though. But I know I wanna get back on the road again, after summer time is up here in Sweden are my current plans. Hopefully hitting Asia. But heck, my plans always change. So I guess I wish I could stick to this one, cause its gonna take a lot of work and be a real hard one. I've got a mission over there, I need to find out some things about myself that I know I can only do when I'm there. (Don't ask me how I know, I just do).

Happy New Years?! Well, I guess not yet. Its still about two weeks to go.

Green: I'm still to pissed off at this non deal to actually deal. Bullocks!

Nightmare: Yes, more then one but its not as severe anymore. Maybe a 4.5 on the Richter scale.

Soundtrack: Yann Tiersen

Gosh, I wrote this whole post yesterday morning. I was on top of my game, checking out the sunrise and gotten a cute txt from Zhe during the night. And now? I don't know. I feel numb. Covered with snow. Like the one that is falling outside my window.

"I guess I have to confess, I didn't realise how much I've missed this. But gosh, when the entire world is covered in white snow its so beautiful. Its been so long since I've seen actual snow, having summer time last winter - down under in New Zealand. If one doesn't think that seeing the great (but very much melting) fox glacier that is. (or didn't I see the one next to Fox?)


So last night I went out with a mate who'd just gotten back from Denmark and we took out our rage with a sweet snowball fight. Even though it ended up more with us rolling around in the light powder, me getting cowered from top til toe and all wet. Ok, that's it. I really need to get some winter clothes!!


And the snow brought even more goodies =). A friend of mine missed his connection due to our snow covered trains and "had to" spend the night at my place wich resulted in lots of catching up, gosh how I've missed all you sweet ones from Göteborg! Each and everyone has a little piece of my heart. And as I woke up this morning i got to enjoy the winter wonder land of Sweden complete with sunrise and a txt from Zhe (yesterday was once again filled with "Silent treatment") filled with love.


Picture: Taken this morning outside of the office.


Nightmare's: None!!! Yay!! And I've got the snow storm to thank for that - and you of course, sweet Mr. Dreads."


A few hours later everything fell apart again. And now, in the light of day I still don't know what to think or what to do. Well maybe more Kate Bush, more writing and crafting might make my head focus on something else then that huge hole that's right in the middle of my chest. Bullocks, what to do when we're both still in love?

Green: No, seriously!! The non deal that they signed at COP15 yesterday doesn't even seem to be worth the paper its written on. Ha! What happened about nature? The environment? You know, the air you breath and ground you walk upon? Nope. I guess they don't care. The one thing which really puzzles me is how people that are so concentrated on getting children and making a family can totally ignore their grandchildren's future.

Nightmare: Yes, plenty. Chaotic night.

Soundtrack: Even more Kate Bush. Actually first time I really check her out so I've got quite a lot of catching up to do.

"This is so not fair."
A thirteen year old girl is sulking inside me with a pink top on and headphones filled with love songs.
"Its so not fair... How could this happen?"

The goth doesn't have to be asked twice,
"Well, what did you expect? That you were gonna live happily ever after?"

The Pink teenie looks down on her little doodles which mostly consists of hearts and marks a huge cut in one of them, "Well, not for ever but at least for a while? But for gods sake, can't we just be happy together? When we're both still madly in love?" She says and tries to erase the lines that mark that her little heart is broken.

The Goth, kindly for once, replies,
"Yeah, I'm with you there babe. Silly. Still, its my duty as the bad one floating around in her head to put the whole thing down. Besides its real poetic don't you think, having this huge ocean come between two people who do really love each other?"

Pretending to see the ocean and a little candle on the other shore marking her loves whereabouts, the Pink teenie answers,
"So you really think that it would be all peachy if they juts lived on the same island? Nah. If its love, true love, then it doesn't matter where you are or how often you meet each other. And its 2009 (almost 2010) we've got phones, internet and the ever so adorable txt messages. And even though there's this huge ocean its only a three hour boat trip and its still in the same country even."

As I clear my head and try to breath I end up feeling numb. I hate the way Zhe is treating me although I know he really doesn't mean to. Not on purpose. It doesn't matter in the end though, does it? Cause I still end up hurting. Like hell. When I look myself in the mirror, the reflection of how he sees me when we're not together... - I crumble. Is that me? No. I'm sorry. Which always leads to one of two things, either my self consciousness drops down below zero or I try to call Zhe. And in both cases, guess what? I lose. Cause Zhe wont answer, thinking I'm that girl in the mirror and if I am, gosh... Then I really do understand his silence. Hmm, did that make sense to anyone else but me?

And once again, its time. Heck, its been about two or three weeks since the last break up txt? And afterwards he promised ever so dearly never to do that again but to talk to me? But he did. And refused, just like always, to talk to me. At last he finally called however. Gosh, I really don't mean to make him sound like the bad one. We both are, just as always. Just let me finish my little heart broken story and you'll know that I'm very aware of both of our sides (or hope to be). Or rather, no. I wont get into details. Lets just cut the chase, communication break down. Again. As Always.

Sadly, even though we talked for an hour, hos phone went flat and we'd still gotten no where. Well. I know I can't get on that merry-go-around once more. I can't. I'm just gonna end up hurting myself if I do. And he feels the same way. But we both still are very much in love, so what to do? Wait and hope that it will pass? That we'll get over it? Hope that next year will bring better luck? Hope that we'll get back together one sweet day? Frankly, I don't know. Just that I love him. And I wish I didn't, but I do.

So freshly out of the sauna, with massive amounts of love from people everywhere (oh, I'm so forever grateful for all your warm support - you know who you are) I'll listen to one of the songs that was sent to me again, and again before falling asleep.

Picture: Random cute hit on internet.

No more climate topic for the day, I'm way to pissed of at the COP15 atm.

Soundtrack: Kate Bush - This woman's work (Lyrics)



Kate Bush - Lily (Lyrics)

But how the Fuck can it fail? How the fuck can they be so fuckin' stupid and not see that we're on the verge of a serious climate catastrophe? That for some of us, the shit has already hit the fan!! (Example 1, 2, 3) WTF?? (For those of you who don't know what COP15 is I advice you to check out the previous post where there's links to handy sites that will explain everything.) How can educated (?) politicians not see what everyone knows, we're in deep shit and its time to make amens. I'm so sick of this shit. Checking out the news and giving up hope. Fuck them, fuck them all.

Last update I heard was that Obama and Hillary Clinton were finally in place but The States said (in an ever so childish way) that they're only gonna sign a deal if China is. And they of course very well know that China never will. But really, there isn't even a deal! None to talk about anyways!

Just read another mail from Climate Justice Action (one of the organisations in Copenhagen during COP15) and I just couldn't have said it better. So I'm gonna be all (non)sneaky and a thieve for that matter. Posting it right here. And if you're in Copenhagen, do join in on the Demo!! Everyone is needed.

"The cop 15 comes to an end - and it has not coped with what politicians promised. There is no treaty that might preserve us from the catastrophic consequences of runaway climate change. The summit's agenda didn't even include real solutions to the climate crisis - such as tackling economic growth, leaving fossile fuels in the ground and implementing food souverainity. Neither has it adressed the ecological debt the global north has with the south or measures for a just transition towards a low carbon economy and society.

Delegates from the civil society have been excluded from the process, some of them beaten up by the police when trying to join the peoples assembly for climate justice outside the Bella Center.

Demonstrations have been cattled, attacked with tear-gas, pepper-spray and batons, more than 1.500 climate activists have been arrested over the past two weeks. Some of them are still in jail - those and others, including spokespeople for climate justice action are now facing trials for taking a role in our common struggle for climate justice.

We neither accept the results of this summit nor the repression our friends and comrades are facing - and that is why we will be on the streets again on friday (18th dec):

peaceful solidarity march from Israels Place near Norreport station (15:00) to Slodsplads (Christiansborg)

Join in and bring your friends along!"

Soundtrack:  Ayo - Down on my knees

Mr. Harrison
"To calm people with pepper spray is just as effective as trying to calm a cat by shoving custard down its anus"

Me
"Before this, (COP15 - Climate Change Meeting in Copenhagen) I had respect for the police. Or rather, I was naive and afraid of them. And of course they still scare me - probably more now then ever - but now I wont think fuckin' twice about going up against them again. Those bastards diverse everything they can bloody handle AND get custard shoved down their anus on top of that."

Mr. Harrison
"I don't care about climate justice anymore, please just give us normal justice!"

Person of the Day: Mr. Harrison

Nightmare status: Richter scale: 7. One that I clearly remember where I got arrested again, brutally. Managed to send a txt to Zhe before though and said that I'm not gonna make my train back home. When I woke up next morning I noticed that I really did send him that txt in the middle of the night.

Todays Homepage is for those who still don't know what COP15 is all about and don't have the guts to ask someone about it.
COP15 for Dummies

And the slightly more serious one:
Copenhagen for dummies: The five major stakes of the summit





Climate Video of the Day:
From "Hit the Production" Demonstration I attended at Sunday and got to spend time in the so called Climate Cages in custody. You can even see me, I've got a red backpack on my tummy walking towards the bus escorted by the Police.




Soundtrack: Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the name of

Hey, so here's a really cool new idea! Ha, its new for me at least. Of course I knew that google made heaps of money by me clicking on their links but I didn't really think about what actually happens when I hit the button. Of all the power (non-green) that feed the servers all over the world to give me, little me, an answer. My mum posted this on her Facebook and I checked it out. Cool! So I reposted it on my page and got a totally different response.


A: "The basic idea of generating revenue to buy rainforest is good but there is some manipulation (read: extravagant lies) in the video hidden under a comfortable blanket of "some say that...""

B: "It actually makes me think, what is WWF doing with the money? How more money can save more rainforests? They pay people not to cut them down or what?"

Me: "probably something like that, frankly I don't really care. The fact That the money goes to something/someone else then the big guys in suits is more then enough for me. The fact that it is used to "save the forest" is more then enough for me. I'm kinda tired of the whole "but don't you know that they are frauds too?" argument. Cause even if they are, they at least made us all think and made us spread out our money somewhat. Good enough for me."

B: "That might be creating a bigger problem for the future."

Me: "your point being? it might be a bigger problem that the forest is still standing no matter how or what made it happen or that its a good enough reason for me to use that search engine even though I actually can't check out the big bad facts behind ecosia's nice front page?"

C: "WWF is trying to (with money) to create a network of protected areas (for example rainforests). More to read at http://www.panda.org/what_we_do/where_we_work/borneo_forests/"

B: "That's what I wanted to hear - what are they actually doing with the money - creating a network of protected areas makes sense. Otherwise it goes as "Ok, give us money. More money. I said, MORE MONEY!", which does not bring saving wildlife anywhere."

Me: "well, actually. I reccon its a lot better giving organisations like WWF money then google any day, even though I might not actually know what its used for. Cause I know what the money the big guys (oh, I'm not only talking about google here) goes to - bigger cars, more meat in their food and better silicon implants. You know what? No thanks. Its even good enough for me if WWF wants to buy their 10AM eco coffee fo each time I use ecosia. Ha. Its good enough for me."


Ok, so I might have been a bit harsh there at the end but seriously. I'd rather WWF or some other green organisation owning huge amounts of rainforest then it simply being cut down. And gosh, yes! I'll still be using google on occasion. Besides I'm a huge gmail fan, I'm obviously using blogger, youtube and have recently discovered google chrome + google wave. But if using the ecosia link will get someone else some money and it is hopefully used in a green manner then, heck. I don't see the problem. What do you think?

Soundtrack: Michael Jackson - Man in the mirror
(Yeah, I've always loved him and might I add that he was a vegetarian?)
Hompage of the day: http://www.veggieboards.com/
Youtube of the day: Earthlings trailer (Download Earthlings the movie here)

"This is a meat free Kitchen" I heard myself proudly announce one late evening in front of my flatmates who weren't to impressed (or actually it was one of the boy friends of my flatmates who made the biggest face). Fuck, I could almost look at the tension in the room so I snook out. But crawled back the next day to apologise and  explain.

You see, imagine yourself looking upon a corpse. A Human Corpse. Tell me how you feel. Focus. Look at it  while I chop it up into small pieces, blood "accidentally" getting on your shirt and a not to pleasant smell starts to spread through out the room. While we walk over to the kitchen sink, hey you sill with me?, I grab the frying pan and grease it up real good. Now, Imagine the faint, at first, scent of human flesh fill the air. And you probably already know, I'm not the best chef, so sadly the freshly cut piece of meat gets rather burned on one side. According to survivors of the Holocaust its suppose to be a very sweet smell that penetrates everything and clings on to your hair even after a couple of showers. Sill paying attention? Now for the good part - watching someone actually sink their teeth into the cadaver.

Now you maybe got some idea of what if feels like when I think of you eating animals. And I see NO reason for this to happen at our flat where all three of us are vegetarians (I'm a vegan (youtube/wiki)). So NO. I could have had a bit more diplomatic approach the first time the discussion came up but I don't see the point in cooking up animal meat at the flat, no one who pays rent here is gonna eat it. Besides those who still eat corpses will survive one meal without, I'm living proof of that.
So I'll still say - Meat Free Kitchen. 

Soundtrack : Bush - Out of this world (+ Lyrics)
Homepage of the day: http://www.goveg.com/
Youtube of the day: "10 reasons why I wont date a meat-eater"

Inspiration: Wow, check this guy out! I've thought about this for more then a few times. Leaving this world behind and going for the essentials in life. Heck, we'll see what happens ey? Cause one happy day I might be the one in a trailer in India, living the Real Green Life. Until then I'll keep on reading about this guy (and go demonstrating in at the Climate Meeting in Copenhagen).



Soundtrack: Rainforests pitter patter on my mind.
Special person of the day: Fiffi - for being the coolest vegan of them all!
Youtube of the day:
JOIN the FLOOD, Copenhagen Flood December 12 2009 COP15 UNFCCC

Got a place to stay, a mission and a heart to follow. The big climate change meeting in Copenhagen is gonna be huge. Massive in fact. I recently go the question of why I'm demonstrating;

A: "Explain to me why you are protesting. They aren't doing enough or they aren't doing the right thing?"

Me: "Both actually. They aren't doing enough by a long shot and they are - once again - nick nacking about the wrong issues. Sure, Power/transportation/flight/industry are huge climate villains but there is a whole lot more to it. For example, one of the biggest issues as I've said many times before - meat.

And they really, everyone really, have to know and realise that the climate protests in Copenhagen this weekend isn't just cause its cool to be a part of some big (ok, huge) demonstration - its cause its bloody important that we all open our eyes and hearts for the big changes ahead."

A: "So, somewhere in their is praise for the work that they are actually doing, with the power/transportation/flight/industry issues? But you wish to inform them that they need to do more?

While I believe you are sincere, considering the _vastly_ different reasons different people tell me about why they go to this protest (or similar climatic-themed ones), I still think it's generally a tourist-protesting festival."

Me: "I get what you mean but nah. I don't think so. And frankly, it doesn't matter if it is to some people. We need everyone there, no matter what reason they'd like to be there or not. Even as tourists. We need everyone.

If the numbers are right the big as demonstration is gonna hit somewhere between 30 000 to 50 000 people. (reading the news papers today). And deep inside, no matter how naive, there is a voice that says that with these amounts of activists in one spot have to mean something. Have to make some sort of difference. Maybe not to the big people in suits sitting on the actual meeting but the people at home, drinking their tea. They might notice that we've actually got quite the climate problem here on earth and think twice before buying dinner next time. And that's enough for me. Can't have to big hopes, can I?"


I also have to figure out a way to not look like me. TCDG said that anarchists will probably be stopped at the border. Fuck. Uhm. So I need to dress up as an innocent girl? Ok. That could be quite the challenge. I've got either the Anarchist, the queer dyke or the hippie look going for me in my closet. Well, I guess its time to start digging deeper.


COP15 FAQ:


So what is COP15 anyways?
"Welcome to Denmark and the city of Copenhagen! We have the pleasure of hosting the 15th United Nations Climate Change Conference (COP15) taking place at Bella Center in Copenhagen from the 7th to the 18th of December, 2009."  


Who will attend COP15?
Several thousand delegates from the192 countries that have signed the United Nations Framework Climate Change Convention (UNFCCC) will be attending COP15 in Copenhagen this year. These will include heads of state, ministers, senior government officials, and several observer organizations. 

When was the first COP meeting?
The first such conference was held in 1995 in Berlin. It was marked by uncertainty as to the resources the individual participating countries possessed to combat greenhouse gas emissions. This resulted in “The Berlin Mandate", which set a two-year analysis and evaluation phase. This phase resulted in a catalog of measures nations could take to lower greenhouse gas emissions. Member countries could use this catalog to compose their own set of initiatives.

What is the Kyoto Protocol?
Perhaps the most famous outcome of a COP meeting to date was the agreement made in Kyoto, Japan at COP3 in 1997. At this conference, the Kyoto Protocol was adopted. This was the first agreement to introduce binding targets for greenhouse gas emissions in 37 industrialized countries from 2008 to 2012. On February 16, 2005 it came into force but several of the UNFCCC never agreed to it and do not acknowledge its requirements regarding emissions — most notably the USA.

What was decided at the last COP meeting?
The biggest recent decision was the Bali Action Plan that came from COP13 in 2007. At that meeting, all UNFCCC countries concurred that an agreement is needed based on a long-term shared vision and four building blocks:

Increased mitigation of greenhouse gas emissions
Adaptation to climate change
Technology transfers and development
Financing

What will be discussed at COP15?
Even though there is agreement among the parties behind the UNFCCC that a shared vision should be drawn up to tackle climate change based on the four building blocks, after two years there is still disagreement as to exactly what this vision should include. Organizers will try to reach a global agreement in Copenhagen that will extend beyond the Kyoto agreement and be ratified by all 192 participating countries.

What if an agreement is not reached?
Deliberations will continue into their 18th year (official talks began in 1992) while climate change will continue to affect our planet.

Can I attend the conference?
The conference is only open to the official delegates and select members of the press. It is not open to the general public.

What can I do to ensure COP15 is a success?
Raise awareness and let the delegates know the world is watching. We can help. Go to My Green Pledge and tell the delegates and the rest of the 1.7 billion people on the Internet how you feel about climate change and about COP15. Then ask your friends to do the same.

Demonstrate. Talk. Act. Change your daily life not only for the week of COP15 but for a better future.

Sources:
http://en.cop15.dk/about+cop15
http://www.activebe.com/cop15-faqs.php#STS=g2zduo55.k76

Person of the day: TCDG (The Cute Danish Guy) who I've blogged about before and who's sweet enough to let me crash at his place during my stay in Copenhagen. Thx, Hun!
Soundtrack: The silence before the storm. Soon.... Very Soon.
Youtube: Act now!!

And I am. I try to. And so should you. I can list fact after fact, which I will anyways but the problem isn't that people don't know that its serious. Its that they don't want to understand. The internet provides us with all kinds of information we want, from reliable sources, that the environment is in trouble but people just don't seem to care. So I opened my eyes again, after letting them rest for a couple of days and grab the next possible weapon. You want war? I'll give you war.

Think Green, Act Now!!

Soundtrack: Ayo - Help is coming
Person of the day: The main guy that interviewed (they were four in total) me today, a real job interview. At a place I actually wanna work, for real. And made a huge effort in applying too. Gosh, keeping all fingers crossed. I guess, now its up to them. I gave it my bes shot anyways.
Homepage of the day: Fresh Air
Youtube of the day:  Animal Agriculture: The facts

I can feel the rage pumping through my veins. Like I'm screaming at the top of my lung inside the parliament but all the men in nice suits keep on starring at the numbers in front of them. They all seem, you fuckin' all seem, to believe that the one who has the most/nicest stuff when we die wins. Well, I'll tell ya - that's not the way it works. Ok. Not everyone around me but way to many and gosh, just a fuckin' lot of people out there.

Its finally come to everyone's mind that yes, the environment is of some importance but hey - why should I, little me, do something different in my everyday life when no one else is? Cause you bloody well have to!! Breath. Come on, Breath. Cause tomorrow it might be to late. Seriously, is it so much to ask that you'd be a vegetarian every Monday (for example) if you can't handle living without meat? To much to ask that you turn off the light, kill the stand by stuff or commute instead of taking the car?

I don't even wanna begin talking about the facts n' numbers, I'm closing my eyes. You should know by now that meat, power and cars are doing to the environment. And if you don't... Nah, I'm to pissed of, to upset, to help you. Today. So let me crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and pretend - just for one minute - that we're all taking one step for a better future. Cause I'll tell ya, its not the men in suits that are gonna "save the planet". Its you and me, with our everyday choices. Talking into thin air, am I? You decide.


Soundtrack: Sigur Ros - Hoppipolla
Person of the day: My mum. You made this possible, going to Copenhagen. For teaching me to respect nature. + once more - Welcome to our beautiful family of veggies!

Youtube of the day: Please help the world - COP15 opening film (Even though I've seen better once I must say)

I surrender, once again. As we hugged I felt myself giving in, again. We both did. What can I say, I'm in love. We spent a couple of beautiful days together and Zhe finally got to see my home (and heart). Gosh, I'm under your spell. (And - Ha, watching way to much Buffy.)

Releasing the geek within. I'm currently into Buffy once again. Watching all the seven seasons for the second time around to accompany our free form role playing improvisation game me and the gang are keeping ourselves busy with. And today I finally hit the best one, "Once more with feeling". The musical episode of Buffy. Yay! So I give you this, the very best of Buffy! Horrible quality video's but all the same... Tara & Willow - I'm under your spell. And the end, which is just as beautiful "Where do we go from here?"  Sadly its cut short in that version. I'm all geeked out for now.

Soundtrack: "I'm under you spell" dedicated to... Oh, you know who you are.
Special person of the day: Birthday Butterfly Power Girl!! You Rock!!

Gosh, I gotta tell you about this movie! I saw it with Zhe about a month ago, who just like me, got totally wrapped up in the beauty of it. Ok, "Dancer in the Dark" is still my favourite film but this one comes pretty fucking close, I gotta say! Don't let the poster or trailer scare you, Antichrist is just so much more then that.

There are a few things you ought to prepare yourself for though. Share the movie experience with someone, don't eat popcorn or anything like that (you have to glue your eyes to the set so you'll wont miss something). It gets rather nasty at times, as you might have guessed, media babbles on about it. But don't let it scare you off, chose to look  at the meaning behind those scenes and if you can't - grab someone's hand and just enjoy the remarkable camera work. Which you, by the way, should be paying attention too all throughout the movie. Let the pictures move you, feel every frame. Be curious but accepting. Let yourself just breath in the pure beauty of this work of art. Cause lets be frank, Lars von Trier has done it again, it is an astonishing piece of art.



Soundtrack: Play list called "Everything is Björk"
Youtube of the day: Swedish radio show, the diary of a dog and a cat. (Sadly its in Swedish)

I caved.

Waited for Zhe at the central station. Meditating, promised myself that nah, that was it. We're were gonna hang out, build a friendship. Have a nice day together and part as just friends. But he woke me up with a touch of his hand, sending chills down my spine. I caved. We hugged. I tried so hard to let him go, to let it go. To have a friendship hug but no... He sat down beside me and neither one of us dared to let go or talk for the better part of half an hour. We capitulated.

But what the hell is gonna happen now? When its too good to let go but tearing us apart as soon as we're not together?

Soundtrack: Björk - Unison and the voice of Zhe (Lyrics)

Why does everything have to be so "life and death" all the time? Me and Zhe fought again last night. And everything tumbled and broke down once more. Breaking up txt, fifth in the order. I can't take this anymore. I'm falling apart. Can't handle any more of this shit. That's it. But I stayed in again. Watching Buffy, feeling sorry for myself and canceling the plans I had for the night again. Waiting for that call. Waiting for Zhe to work up the nerve and call me to break up properly. He promised but I'm freshly out of trust.

At midnight the cell finally had "Zhe" written on the display. We both cried for the better part of half an hour before anyone of us could talk at all. Drama queens? You bet. I might have finally found my match, cause gees I know I am one of the worst you'll ever find. He was suppose to come visit me today but he said he wanted to wait for one more day but I seriously couldn't handle anymore waiting around. That's it. I can't take it. Please, pretty please get on that boat tomorrow morning so we can try and patch up the friendship at least. We hung up at 4AM and he headed out for the mainland at 7AM this morning. I managed to sleep for about an hour, nightmares all over the place waking up before the boat left his harbor with the heart in my throat. Is he really gonna come this time?

But its over, we're not getting back together. I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't even recognize me. Got nothing left of me. And no, its not all Zhe's fault. On the contrary. I've made just as many mistakes. I hate being in love. My world goes from the normal state of chaos into some sort of hell dimension. Its always been like that. And here I am again, heart broken. But this time we're both still in love, this time around he's experiencing the same hell as I am - in his sweet little heart.

I can't help wondering if its always gonna be like this, that I'm never gonna be able to handle being in love.

Thirteen year old naive girl in my head:
"No, sweet sweet isobelll. It's not always gonna be like this. In fact it doesn't even have to be like this at all, it doesn't have to be over. You love each other for fucks sake!! Its not fair... its just not fair." She starts our saying and falls into a tantrum screaming at me with tears running down her cheeks.

The Gothic voice, who constantly keeps on changing its sex while talking, calms her down and with a drama queen gesture, lights a candle and says:
"You know its always gonna be like this. You know that you'll never be able to be in any type of love relationship (anarchy or not). You can't handle it. Look at yourself for fuck's sake! You're not worth it anyways and besides, you can't keep exposing people to yourself and the weird little chaos world you're living in. In fact, I don't even understand how you could ever believe it was gonna work out this time around. And the argument of "but he loves me" doesn't exactly make it any better, not knowing if you're only fooling yourself or not, it doesn't give you the right to break his heart."

The pissed of thirteen year old girl turns up the volume of yet another love song to drain out the voices and violins. While I try to silence them both with some hard core dubstep smashing my ears, failing when my fake pod hits random again.

Wish me luck, give me strength. The moment of truth, again. I'm meeting Zhe at noon, first time he visits me too. I wish I'll be able to find that wisemind voice of mine, the one who always gets me on the right path in the end. Where I just know. Where I can't close my eyes and flee. I don't believe in god but if I did, this would be the time for prayer. Ha.

As my fake pod randomly plays a love song I leave my thoughts behind for the time being.
Soundtrack: you'll never guess, Lamb - Gorecki.
Picture: Wharariki - New Zealand - Me

When I woke up this morning the world was covered in frost, delicate and deadly. Just like Zhe. Its been on and of between me and Zhe for a while now. Or wait a minute its been like that since the beginning. I'm constantly going around my heart in my throat, thinking "is this the day when it will all be over, when I wake up and realize that this love story with Zhe was nothing but a dream?". And yes, I'm probably thirteen but then again... After having the forth (I believe) txt conversation with Zhe where he says "I like you but I just can't handle this..." yesterday, I just don't know anymore. I should be happy! Great, then its finally over! And I don't have to feel all awkward cause I'm in love with a guy (with the I'm not gonna give him sex part - which as I found out yesterday actually was a problem for him).

On n' off, back n' forth. "Yes, I'll call you..." then silence. I feel like I can't trust him, or myself for that matter. But I can't demand to be remembered anyways! If he doesn't want to then that's just the way it is, right? I wont, can't, don't want to force anyone to hang out with me if they don't want to. Is he lying when he says cute stuff to me on the phone? Is he to scared to tell me the truth? Does he remember me at all when I'm not jumping up and down for attention?

We were suppose to have a phone date on Monday, he'd set the time and date. And cause we live in different parts of the country having actual hanging out time on the phone is important. So I found a place to sit in the middle of the city where it was ice and quiet. And waited. 2 PM turned into 3 PM. 3 PM turned into 3.30 PM. At 4.10 PM I turned of my cell and tried to concentrate on my monday yoga class. I don't need to say that meditating wasn't exactly easy, do I? As I got out, he'd sent me a txt with "oh, gosh! I'm sorry I totally forgot. I'm with my mates now though, hope you have a great evening." Gee, Thanks. I didn't even know what to say. So I didn't. Tuesday morning I got the next txt, "I need some time apart..."- the breaking up started all over again.

I swore myself I wouldn't go back. That that was it. I can't handle anymore shit. I need to be able to breath again. Winter is hard enough on its own without Zhe messing things up. But I caved. We'd txt all day, or he'd answer me with about one or two hours in between. And then he didn't know if he had time for me after work, cause he was gonna fix his computer. That's it! I exploded. If a possession is more worth then any type of human contact with anyone then I'm out of here. I'd made up my mind. But he called. We fought. And I caved. As soon as I heard his voice I surrendered. I'm in love. I hate being in love.

A friend of mine pointed out that this whole thing (even though we have totally different problems) is sorta the same as what happened with Cat, I always went back. We broke up, I left but went back again and again. Cause I loved/love hen. "Do you really wanna put yourself through that again?" Gosh. I don't know. I... I don't know. The logical side of me says run for your fuckin' life! And my heart well, I don't know. What can I say, I'm in love...

So who's the bigger fool now? The one who breaks up with a txt (for the fourth time) or the one who goes back for another round of heart ace?

Soundtrack: my very own confusing conversations in my little head.