Inspiration: Wow, check this guy out! I've thought about this for more then a few times. Leaving this world behind and going for the essentials in life. Heck, we'll see what happens ey? Cause one happy day I might be the one in a trailer in India, living the Real Green Life. Until then I'll keep on reading about this guy (and go demonstrating in at the Climate Meeting in Copenhagen).
Soundtrack: Rainforests pitter patter on my mind.
Special person of the day: Fiffi - for being the coolest vegan of them all!
Youtube of the day:
JOIN the FLOOD, Copenhagen Flood December 12 2009 COP15 UNFCCC
Got a place to stay, a mission and a heart to follow. The big climate change meeting in Copenhagen is gonna be huge. Massive in fact. I recently go the question of why I'm demonstrating;
A: "Explain to me why you are protesting. They aren't doing enough or they aren't doing the right thing?"
Me: "Both actually. They aren't doing enough by a long shot and they are - once again - nick nacking about the wrong issues. Sure, Power/transportation/flight/industry are huge climate villains but there is a whole lot more to it. For example, one of the biggest issues as I've said many times before - meat.
And they really, everyone really, have to know and realise that the climate protests in Copenhagen this weekend isn't just cause its cool to be a part of some big (ok, huge) demonstration - its cause its bloody important that we all open our eyes and hearts for the big changes ahead."
A: "So, somewhere in their is praise for the work that they are actually doing, with the power/transportation/flight/industry issues? But you wish to inform them that they need to do more?
While I believe you are sincere, considering the _vastly_ different reasons different people tell me about why they go to this protest (or similar climatic-themed ones), I still think it's generally a tourist-protesting festival."
Me: "I get what you mean but nah. I don't think so. And frankly, it doesn't matter if it is to some people. We need everyone there, no matter what reason they'd like to be there or not. Even as tourists. We need everyone.
If the numbers are right the big as demonstration is gonna hit somewhere between 30 000 to 50 000 people. (reading the news papers today). And deep inside, no matter how naive, there is a voice that says that with these amounts of activists in one spot have to mean something. Have to make some sort of difference. Maybe not to the big people in suits sitting on the actual meeting but the people at home, drinking their tea. They might notice that we've actually got quite the climate problem here on earth and think twice before buying dinner next time. And that's enough for me. Can't have to big hopes, can I?"
I also have to figure out a way to not look like me. TCDG said that anarchists will probably be stopped at the border. Fuck. Uhm. So I need to dress up as an innocent girl? Ok. That could be quite the challenge. I've got either the Anarchist, the queer dyke or the hippie look going for me in my closet. Well, I guess its time to start digging deeper.
COP15 FAQ:
So what is COP15 anyways?
"Welcome to Denmark and the city of Copenhagen! We have the pleasure of hosting the 15th United Nations Climate Change Conference (COP15) taking place at Bella Center in Copenhagen from the 7th to the 18th of December, 2009."
Who will attend COP15?
Several thousand delegates from the192 countries that have signed the United Nations Framework Climate Change Convention (UNFCCC) will be attending COP15 in Copenhagen this year. These will include heads of state, ministers, senior government officials, and several observer organizations.
When was the first COP meeting?
The first such conference was held in 1995 in Berlin. It was marked by uncertainty as to the resources the individual participating countries possessed to combat greenhouse gas emissions. This resulted in “The Berlin Mandate", which set a two-year analysis and evaluation phase. This phase resulted in a catalog of measures nations could take to lower greenhouse gas emissions. Member countries could use this catalog to compose their own set of initiatives.
What is the Kyoto Protocol?
Perhaps the most famous outcome of a COP meeting to date was the agreement made in Kyoto, Japan at COP3 in 1997. At this conference, the Kyoto Protocol was adopted. This was the first agreement to introduce binding targets for greenhouse gas emissions in 37 industrialized countries from 2008 to 2012. On February 16, 2005 it came into force but several of the UNFCCC never agreed to it and do not acknowledge its requirements regarding emissions — most notably the USA.
What was decided at the last COP meeting?
The biggest recent decision was the Bali Action Plan that came from COP13 in 2007. At that meeting, all UNFCCC countries concurred that an agreement is needed based on a long-term shared vision and four building blocks:
Increased mitigation of greenhouse gas emissions
Adaptation to climate change
Technology transfers and development
Financing
What will be discussed at COP15?
Even though there is agreement among the parties behind the UNFCCC that a shared vision should be drawn up to tackle climate change based on the four building blocks, after two years there is still disagreement as to exactly what this vision should include. Organizers will try to reach a global agreement in Copenhagen that will extend beyond the Kyoto agreement and be ratified by all 192 participating countries.
What if an agreement is not reached?
Deliberations will continue into their 18th year (official talks began in 1992) while climate change will continue to affect our planet.
Can I attend the conference?
The conference is only open to the official delegates and select members of the press. It is not open to the general public.
What can I do to ensure COP15 is a success?
Raise awareness and let the delegates know the world is watching. We can help. Go to My Green Pledge and tell the delegates and the rest of the 1.7 billion people on the Internet how you feel about climate change and about COP15. Then ask your friends to do the same.
Demonstrate. Talk. Act. Change your daily life not only for the week of COP15 but for a better future.
Person of the day: TCDG (The Cute Danish Guy) who I've blogged about before and who's sweet enough to let me crash at his place during my stay in Copenhagen. Thx, Hun!
Soundtrack: The silence before the storm. Soon.... Very Soon.
Youtube: Act now!!
And I am. I try to. And so should you. I can list fact after fact, which I will anyways but the problem isn't that people don't know that its serious. Its that they don't want to understand. The internet provides us with all kinds of information we want, from reliable sources, that the environment is in trouble but people just don't seem to care. So I opened my eyes again, after letting them rest for a couple of days and grab the next possible weapon. You want war? I'll give you war.
Think Green, Act Now!!
Soundtrack: Ayo - Help is coming
Person of the day: The main guy that interviewed (they were four in total) me today, a real job interview. At a place I actually wanna work, for real. And made a huge effort in applying too. Gosh, keeping all fingers crossed. I guess, now its up to them. I gave it my bes shot anyways.
Homepage of the day: Fresh Air
Youtube of the day: Animal Agriculture: The facts
It seems weird that I can't write, read or talk about the stuff that is most important to me. I run away from art. Don't wanna hit the galleries. Don't dare to produce. Can't talk about it and so on. It makes my skin crawl. Guess I'm scared of failing. Same thing happens when travelling comes up in conversation, or at least when people wanna go into a real conversation about it. When I wanna check out where I might head towards next time. I love larping but don't wanna think about it, can't handle making a larp or preparing. I guess I'm scared of failing.
And then there's the environment, the most important of them all. My biggest interest and the one "thing" that combines it all - Travel/Art/Larp. I'm constantly fighting (what can only be discribed as this huge war?) - to change the world. To get people to listen, stop violating the planet. Nature. Gosh, I even got it permanently fuckin' inked on my whole back - the HUGE tree. (If you haven't seen it yet, here's the link).
So why is it so hard to write about it? I feel like there should be heaps of blog posts that talk about veganism, animal abuse and COP15 right here on my little page/mind. But no. Why?
I haven't really figured out the art/travel/larp part but maybe this whole issue with the environment related stuff (heck, I don't even wanna read the news!) is, I guess, cause of a constant bad consciousness. That we, correction, that I should be able to do more. I get so consumed with all the shit that's going down that I can't handle my own chaos. I get involved, hurt and cry when I see what you, yes, you are doing to this world. So I close my eyes. I pull the covers over my head. I pretend that every things alright. I get that thing that is commonly known as "world consciousness" (världssamvete in Swedish) among activists, when I make all the issues in the world my own fault, my own responsibility. Even though I try hard to listen to the "words of wisdom" I keep on preaching to all of you; "If everyone would just take one little step we would be able to save the world".
COP15 is coming on, its already in session and this weekend I'm gonna join forces and demonstrate in Copenhagen at the climate meeting for a better environment. No, for the planet and its future. This time its not only the little pissed of angry girl that everyone sees when I talk about animal abuse, its real you guys. For fuck's sake... You can't keep ignoring this. If we wanna keep on having a future at all this is the time to change. Before its to late.
I can feel the rage pumping through my veins. Like I'm screaming at the top of my lung inside the parliament but all the men in nice suits keep on starring at the numbers in front of them. They all seem, you fuckin' all seem, to believe that the one who has the most/nicest stuff when we die wins. Well, I'll tell ya - that's not the way it works. Ok. Not everyone around me but way to many and gosh, just a fuckin' lot of people out there.
Its finally come to everyone's mind that yes, the environment is of some importance but hey - why should I, little me, do something different in my everyday life when no one else is? Cause you bloody well have to!! Breath. Come on, Breath. Cause tomorrow it might be to late. Seriously, is it so much to ask that you'd be a vegetarian every Monday (for example) if you can't handle living without meat? To much to ask that you turn off the light, kill the stand by stuff or commute instead of taking the car?
I don't even wanna begin talking about the facts n' numbers, I'm closing my eyes. You should know by now that meat, power and cars are doing to the environment. And if you don't... Nah, I'm to pissed of, to upset, to help you. Today. So let me crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head and pretend - just for one minute - that we're all taking one step for a better future. Cause I'll tell ya, its not the men in suits that are gonna "save the planet". Its you and me, with our everyday choices. Talking into thin air, am I? You decide.
Soundtrack: Sigur Ros - Hoppipolla
Person of the day: My mum. You made this possible, going to Copenhagen. For teaching me to respect nature. + once more - Welcome to our beautiful family of veggies!
Youtube of the day: Please help the world - COP15 opening film (Even though I've seen better once I must say)
I surrender, once again. As we hugged I felt myself giving in, again. We both did. What can I say, I'm in love. We spent a couple of beautiful days together and Zhe finally got to see my home (and heart). Gosh, I'm under your spell. (And - Ha, watching way to much Buffy.)
Releasing the geek within. I'm currently into Buffy once again. Watching all the seven seasons for the second time around to accompany our free form role playing improvisation game me and the gang are keeping ourselves busy with. And today I finally hit the best one, "Once more with feeling". The musical episode of Buffy. Yay! So I give you this, the very best of Buffy! Horrible quality video's but all the same... Tara & Willow - I'm under your spell. And the end, which is just as beautiful "Where do we go from here?" Sadly its cut short in that version. I'm all geeked out for now.
Soundtrack: "I'm under you spell" dedicated to... Oh, you know who you are.
Special person of the day: Birthday Butterfly Power Girl!! You Rock!!
Gosh, I gotta tell you about this movie! I saw it with Zhe about a month ago, who just like me, got totally wrapped up in the beauty of it. Ok, "Dancer in the Dark" is still my favourite film but this one comes pretty fucking close, I gotta say! Don't let the poster or trailer scare you, Antichrist is just so much more then that.
There are a few things you ought to prepare yourself for though. Share the movie experience with someone, don't eat popcorn or anything like that (you have to glue your eyes to the set so you'll wont miss something). It gets rather nasty at times, as you might have guessed, media babbles on about it. But don't let it scare you off, chose to look at the meaning behind those scenes and if you can't - grab someone's hand and just enjoy the remarkable camera work. Which you, by the way, should be paying attention too all throughout the movie. Let the pictures move you, feel every frame. Be curious but accepting. Let yourself just breath in the pure beauty of this work of art. Cause lets be frank, Lars von Trier has done it again, it is an astonishing piece of art.
Waited for Zhe at the central station. Meditating, promised myself that nah, that was it. We're were gonna hang out, build a friendship. Have a nice day together and part as just friends. But he woke me up with a touch of his hand, sending chills down my spine. I caved. We hugged. I tried so hard to let him go, to let it go. To have a friendship hug but no... He sat down beside me and neither one of us dared to let go or talk for the better part of half an hour. We capitulated.
But what the hell is gonna happen now? When its too good to let go but tearing us apart as soon as we're not together?
Soundtrack: Björk - Unison and the voice of Zhe (Lyrics)
Why does everything have to be so "life and death" all the time? Me and Zhe fought again last night. And everything tumbled and broke down once more. Breaking up txt, fifth in the order. I can't take this anymore. I'm falling apart. Can't handle any more of this shit. That's it. But I stayed in again. Watching Buffy, feeling sorry for myself and canceling the plans I had for the night again. Waiting for that call. Waiting for Zhe to work up the nerve and call me to break up properly. He promised but I'm freshly out of trust.
At midnight the cell finally had "Zhe" written on the display. We both cried for the better part of half an hour before anyone of us could talk at all. Drama queens? You bet. I might have finally found my match, cause gees I know I am one of the worst you'll ever find. He was suppose to come visit me today but he said he wanted to wait for one more day but I seriously couldn't handle anymore waiting around. That's it. I can't take it. Please, pretty please get on that boat tomorrow morning so we can try and patch up the friendship at least. We hung up at 4AM and he headed out for the mainland at 7AM this morning. I managed to sleep for about an hour, nightmares all over the place waking up before the boat left his harbor with the heart in my throat. Is he really gonna come this time?
But its over, we're not getting back together. I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't even recognize me. Got nothing left of me. And no, its not all Zhe's fault. On the contrary. I've made just as many mistakes. I hate being in love. My world goes from the normal state of chaos into some sort of hell dimension. Its always been like that. And here I am again, heart broken. But this time we're both still in love, this time around he's experiencing the same hell as I am - in his sweet little heart.
I can't help wondering if its always gonna be like this, that I'm never gonna be able to handle being in love.
Thirteen year old naive girl in my head:
"No, sweet sweet isobelll. It's not always gonna be like this. In fact it doesn't even have to be like this at all, it doesn't have to be over. You love each other for fucks sake!! Its not fair... its just not fair." She starts our saying and falls into a tantrum screaming at me with tears running down her cheeks.
The Gothic voice, who constantly keeps on changing its sex while talking, calms her down and with a drama queen gesture, lights a candle and says:
"You know its always gonna be like this. You know that you'll never be able to be in any type of love relationship (anarchy or not). You can't handle it. Look at yourself for fuck's sake! You're not worth it anyways and besides, you can't keep exposing people to yourself and the weird little chaos world you're living in. In fact, I don't even understand how you could ever believe it was gonna work out this time around. And the argument of "but he loves me" doesn't exactly make it any better, not knowing if you're only fooling yourself or not, it doesn't give you the right to break his heart."
The pissed of thirteen year old girl turns up the volume of yet another love song to drain out the voices and violins. While I try to silence them both with some hard core dubstep smashing my ears, failing when my fake pod hits random again.
Wish me luck, give me strength. The moment of truth, again. I'm meeting Zhe at noon, first time he visits me too. I wish I'll be able to find that wisemind voice of mine, the one who always gets me on the right path in the end. Where I just know. Where I can't close my eyes and flee. I don't believe in god but if I did, this would be the time for prayer. Ha.
As my fake pod randomly plays a love song I leave my thoughts behind for the time being.
Soundtrack: you'll never guess, Lamb - Gorecki.
Picture: Wharariki - New Zealand - Me
When I woke up this morning the world was covered in frost, delicate and deadly. Just like Zhe. Its been on and of between me and Zhe for a while now. Or wait a minute its been like that since the beginning. I'm constantly going around my heart in my throat, thinking "is this the day when it will all be over, when I wake up and realize that this love story with Zhe was nothing but a dream?". And yes, I'm probably thirteen but then again... After having the forth (I believe) txt conversation with Zhe where he says "I like you but I just can't handle this..." yesterday, I just don't know anymore. I should be happy! Great, then its finally over! And I don't have to feel all awkward cause I'm in love with a guy (with the I'm not gonna give him sex part - which as I found out yesterday actually was a problem for him).
On n' off, back n' forth. "Yes, I'll call you..." then silence. I feel like I can't trust him, or myself for that matter. But I can't demand to be remembered anyways! If he doesn't want to then that's just the way it is, right? I wont, can't, don't want to force anyone to hang out with me if they don't want to. Is he lying when he says cute stuff to me on the phone? Is he to scared to tell me the truth? Does he remember me at all when I'm not jumping up and down for attention?
We were suppose to have a phone date on Monday, he'd set the time and date. And cause we live in different parts of the country having actual hanging out time on the phone is important. So I found a place to sit in the middle of the city where it was ice and quiet. And waited. 2 PM turned into 3 PM. 3 PM turned into 3.30 PM. At 4.10 PM I turned of my cell and tried to concentrate on my monday yoga class. I don't need to say that meditating wasn't exactly easy, do I? As I got out, he'd sent me a txt with "oh, gosh! I'm sorry I totally forgot. I'm with my mates now though, hope you have a great evening." Gee, Thanks. I didn't even know what to say. So I didn't. Tuesday morning I got the next txt, "I need some time apart..."- the breaking up started all over again.
I swore myself I wouldn't go back. That that was it. I can't handle anymore shit. I need to be able to breath again. Winter is hard enough on its own without Zhe messing things up. But I caved. We'd txt all day, or he'd answer me with about one or two hours in between. And then he didn't know if he had time for me after work, cause he was gonna fix his computer. That's it! I exploded. If a possession is more worth then any type of human contact with anyone then I'm out of here. I'd made up my mind. But he called. We fought. And I caved. As soon as I heard his voice I surrendered. I'm in love. I hate being in love.
A friend of mine pointed out that this whole thing (even though we have totally different problems) is sorta the same as what happened with Cat, I always went back. We broke up, I left but went back again and again. Cause I loved/love hen. "Do you really wanna put yourself through that again?" Gosh. I don't know. I... I don't know. The logical side of me says run for your fuckin' life! And my heart well, I don't know. What can I say, I'm in love...
So who's the bigger fool now? The one who breaks up with a txt (for the fourth time) or the one who goes back for another round of heart ace?
Soundtrack: my very own confusing conversations in my little head.
Would you be able to withstand consumtion, even if it was just for one day? I've often got little competitions of my own to see how many days at end I can go without using my wallet but of course not getting myself and ecpesially the people I care for, in trouble. But its not as easy as it sounds? No bussticket for example. heck, give it a try and let me and the rest of the world know. you'll be surprised on what you find out about yourself and this thing called consumtion or as I like to call it - the death drap.
Last night was mint! Me and Vexillum went to see Benga live on stage here in Stockholm. He'd found it on a poster and txt'd me - OMG!! Dubstep!!! So of course we just had do go =9.
Was in a bit of a foul mood all afternoon but as soon as I heard the first baseline, I caved and let lose. I didn't realize how badly I've missed it until I felt it again, all over my body. Vibrating. Making sweet love to that dancefloor, not being able to stand still. Having the music move my body without me having to do anything. Closing my eyes and simply letting it guide me.
I think there were about four or five Dj's on that night, including the informal Dubstep King - Benga. Usually its the main act thats the best one but this time, nah. I just can't decide. They were all way to good and made a huge inpact. As I was working up a sweat and the clock had almost hit middnight a DJ put on Burial - Ghost Hardware. Wow! He's my absolutely favourite artist in that genre, so I gathered that what ever was gonna happen later on that evening I had already got my moneys wourth. The main man Benga was just mint. As I went on dancing and closing those eyes, I fell into a trance sorta state, no alcohol or drugs. Just dancing, music. And when Skream - Rutten was pumping the soundsystem at about 2.30 AM I felt complete.
Got home at 5 AM this morning and with about two hours sleep I'm ready to start the day, of course with some of that beautiful Dubstep adding the baseline to my day.
Soundtrack dedications and Youtube with the actual music:
The coolest New Zealand larper for taking me out to a real sweet dubstep night in Auckland. To Auan for introducing me and forever keeping me updated with the best Dubstep can offer. To Vexillum for finding that concert and last but not least, To Tango for dancing with me all night long.
Burial - Ghost Hardware
Skream - Rutten
Benga at PHAT09 festival in New Zealand - yeah, I've seen him before. But you have to imagine that last night was in a sweet concert hall with a mint sound system.
Hmm. Maybe not but definitely one of the cutest gifts I've ever gotten. Sometime during the early fall I chatted with a friend of mine when he all the sudden says "give me your email, I've got something special for you...". Ok? This usually means I'm in for a rather nasty surprise. But no. This was perhaps the cutest thing ever. I got my very own sand castle, with my name on it and all! Totally uncalled for too! I'd almost lost contact with him too (TCDG - The Cute Danish Guy) and then this... My all too poetic response; moved to bubbles with a dash of tears behind my neatly closed eyelids while enjoying that sweet warmth spread throughout my body. Gee, Thx hun!
Ha, of course he'd given the gift to a few other girls too which I figured out but I didn't mind. Heck, he remembered me!! Wow! So if your thinking about giving someone special or just a real good friend one of the cutest gift ever, I can totally recommend building a sand castle, write a sweet message across it and send the pictures. You'll be guaranteed a happy person at the other end. Environmental and eternal too. Smiles all around.
So a mega happy thanks, even though this blog post is way to late, to TCDG (The Cute Danish Guy) for that very special gift. And an even bigger thanks for letting me crash at your place next time I swing by Denmark.
As I've thought it over and over in my little head I've sorta come to the conclusion that either I'll give up the contact completely or I go with Communication is Key. And Kim (the example person in the previous post) who represents a few people in my life, is in one of the cases thankfully finally aware of the severe situation. So once again, Communication is Key. And even though friendships might end I'd rather talk it through and know why, where and when then just mirror the silent treatment. The change has to start within oneself, right?
Either way, with one of the persons giving me the silent treatment I've come up with a crisis plan. If the situation occurs again, we're both responsible for launching or should I say, releasing "Sydney". A non gender, objective third person with the soul purpose to look upon our situation and remind us not to fall into gender status problems, to watch out for the heterosexual norm, not to use domination techniques (härskartekniker in Swedish), that trust is hard to regain once lost and so on. I'm exited and a bit nervous, hopefully we wont need it but if we do, will it work? As we're both used to slipping into characters (we've been larping for years) that issue shouldn't be a problem but seeing stuff objective while being in a state or anger, sadness or power might be a challenge yet to conquer.
I've "recently" talked about how much I hate getting "The Silent Treatment" and have since then experienced it over and over again. Today I got so sick of that I asked myself and on Facebook - "wonders, what's an effective cure for "The Silent Treatment"? (When someone simply doesn't talk to you.)" I got heaps, (yeah, wow...!) and heaps of responses (I must say I really do love getting some input, like everyone else I guess. )
But after receiving the first few tips I wasn't sure about what actually was qualified as "The Silent Treatment". To be able to find a cure, I must first make sure that I know the exact definition of the problem, right? So here it goes, taking a random person called Kim (a non gender based name, which I will call hen instead of him/her as an example.) Anyone of these and/or a combination is my own definition, what's your's?:
Kim ignores my attempts to contact hen
Kim doesn't answer my txt's, mails, telephone calls and so on.
after pointing out to Kim that I'd like to have an answer, hen either a. says "Yeah, I'll get back to ya...!" and doesn't
b. doesn't respond at all
c. says "Oh, its just been such a stressful day, sorry... I'll call (txt, mail) you later" and doesn't
Kim's "non-answer" becomes and "answer" in itself
Kim uses the term "Sorry, its just been so much going on." excuse one to many times
(How does one define "one to many times"?)
makes me feel invisible
gives me a bad consciousness cause I'm pressuring hen to answer me
gets me to check my mail/phone Way to often for an answer
Kim makes me worry like fuck cause hen might be in trouble, knows this but doesn't answer my "are you alive or should I call the hospitals???" txt's/calls
makes me feel embarrassed about wanting to have contact
Here are some of the responses I got, and I do hope you guys wont kill me for quoting you (anonymously) (Some are "marked" cause I for some reason found them to be real important or interesting):
"Sending an e-mail titled "this probably won't interest you". No one can resist that."
"Saying "You're a dipshit for not talking to me." Or something? :/"
"The permanent cure? Steeling oneself, saying "Kk.I'm one of those who're, like, a fan of two-way communication. You're not. Ergo, we're not compatible. Have a good life, since you're apparently not keen on being in mine.""
"Some people need time to process whatever it is they are dealing with. Some people need a long time. You can't hurry them, you just have to wait until they can talk again. Even though they won't talk now, they might appreciate you reminding them every now and then that you will be there when and if they do want to talk later.
If it is not about ... them needing time, or just being busy – if it is just that they don't want to talk, not now and not ever – then the case is pretty much a lost one. Get other friends. At least it will cure you from worrying about what you cannot change."
"Shotgun?"
"in my experience the difference between the first and second case is that in the first case it's always possible to say "I need to process this but I haven't forgotten you", and if not it defaults to the second case of "I am incapable or disinclined to give you the ten seconds of attention that would confirm to you that I'm not just trying to hurt you." - which incidentally also why my reaction to silent treatment is quite harsh."
Which makes me question myself - what timespan do I have? Really? If I ask myself honestly, I'd say I'm way to impatient especially when it comes to people I care for. However, there's a time limit of 24 hours - after that I can go nuts with a clear consciousness in my humble opinion.
"Tried threats? A simple question asked accompanied by a tool of choice, preferably a baseball bat or a Smith & Wesson at point blank, can do wonders."
"They could easily be out there but I never met anyone unable to inform me that I would get no more information for a while, and why. What I _have_ seen is people who can't answer an attempt to communicate because they then feel they should answer all the previous ones also, so there would be no confusion about the status of those. This is especially the case if one such attempt contained accusations or just generally difficult subjects that cannot readily be handled right now."
"Sometimes people just are incompatible and that's that."
There's a whole world of difference between being tolerant & understanding, and putting up with crap. Even the most patient and empathic love must have limits or it becomes destructive. For both parties, actually... .
Sometimes the best thing you can do, is to tell the other that what they are doing is really not okay. And then leave, unless they change (which they seldom will)
Are you sure you didn't do something to deserve it? Have you tried writing a real mail, with stamp and all, to explain what you're feeling?
As I've recently noticed and learnt over and over again in each and everyone of my relationships (I remind you that I'm a relationship anarchist and don't believe in having labels),
Communication Is Key
But the questions keep on popin' up in my head. Am I to impatient? Is Kim ignoring me cause hen simply doesn't want to have contact/as much contact as I do but is to shy to tell me? Is it just me not getting it through my thick skull that hen doesn't wanna have contact? Am I to needy? Where's the line between accepting hens reality/time since last contact definition/stressful day and denying my own needs? Are my own needs acceptable? Have I done something to deserve it and how can I correct it without walking all over the other person? Is there a gender/power aspect of it all? I as a biological at least, woman, am getting the silent treatment quite a lot. Are biological men having the same problem? Or is it a status question?
And of course the ever lasting, "Heck, I'm not to good myself!". Which I'm not afraid to admit, I'm terrible at answering mails for example. They hang out in my inbox for up to months at a time, unopened or marked as unread again. However, I rarely miss a txt or phone call - just when I'm having one of those really busy days or am feeling horribly low/am sick. I'm actually trying to teach myself to Not answer txt's as soon as they beep my cell to get a more balanced "communication speed".
So at the end of the day, literary, I'm non the wiser and still experiencing that horrible silent treatment. Fuck.
Soundtrack: Stay Ali - Emotional Day Special person of the day: All you guys who comment my Facebook and/or my blogg - Thank you, your input means a lot to me.
Decided yet? I asked myself again as I walked home from the house squatting in Rinkeby where I've helped out last night. As the date creeps closer I'm drawing a total blank. Feels like its just gonna turn sour no matter what I do. Until I made up a little Top Secret plan just for me. Thanks to the glory of Internet and a few friends (?) its gonna be a sweet as day (don't jinks it!!), with no one knowing why. My Top Secret B-Day. Where nothing can go wrong cause --> no expectations - no regrets.
The thirteen year old girl inside my head is smiling and finally at ease while the sour goth realist says
- "watch out, don't get your hopes up. You'll end up having a shit ass day anyways, just wait and see dear darling. Wait and see... Besides, if its that important to you that no one finds out, why the hell post this on your blog? That you're wanting to keep it a secret? And whats with that anyways? Wanna feel special?"
And at the tender age of 13 she replies somewhat hurt:
- "... na, not special. That's just the point. Nothing special from someone else, nothing at all. If I'm not up to it then no expectations and I can just pretend that there's nothing going on. And its not special anyways, just a day like everyone else in a year. Heck, I'm not celebrating Christmas or well, ok New Years but... Gosh. Just no... Sorry for the accidental opening of my mouth and thoughts."
Goth Realist:
- "Your excused, for now. Ha, just wait and see... You'll know I'm right in the end anyhow."
Stay Ali!!
Soundtrack: Stay Ali (thanks to Electro Boy for shouting out that they had a gig in Stockholm coming up! Yay!)
Note to self: It might not be one of your brightest ideas to put the weird conversations in your head on public display.
Trying hard to verbalize what happened since my last post. I've been trying all week. And yes, it is/was to good to be true but sometimes it turns out to be real anyways. I talked it all through with Zhe and yes. Its True. The thing I have with Zhe is to good to be true but it is.
See? I can hardly write. I'm scared to jinks it if I do!
I met him and we spent about two full nights of talking until we realized that we were on the same page, that we wanted the same things. In out own little special "isobelll&Zhe-style" with Relationship Anarchism as a solid foundation. [Insert small jump of joy] Once again communication is key. Oh, yeah... Communication. Well, due to (political) circumstances that very thing - communication - has (once again) almost had a complete breakdown. Sigh. Gosh. I really do hope that "we'll" survive this.
I've been sick more or less the entire weekend with Buffy as my main company and I'll tell ya this, there's no way you can have to much Buffy however its very possible there's to little of human interaction at this point in my life, winters almost here.
Or is it? Is it better to have loved and been loved in return then not love at all like the famous quote from Moulin Rouge? Ha, I should have listened to myself. I should have know better then to fall in love. To let myself go. To trust. To care. Even though it was beautiful at the time I actually can't handle any more shit happening at the moment. So please. Just don't. Ok? Don't leave me.
Picture: Art Museum in Copenhagen that I visited this summer, can't remember the artist but this one took my breath away. Thank you whoever you are.
The realistic (evil??) voice in my head:
- "Fuck, listen to yourself??! Are you really gonna beg for someone to stay? Has it come to this? Is it really worth it? Wont you lose yourself, the respect and much more?"
Shrugging, I answer:
-" But I can't, I need... No,I can't even say it. I guess two break ups in a month is some sort of record. Even if it hasn't been finalized yet. I'll find out tomorrow I suppose. At the moment I don't even know what I want. Or actually I do. I want us. I want you. I want this."
A little naive stupid thirteen year old girl is whispering into my left ear as I try to clear my head and forget about everything, even just for a minute:
- "So it has come to this? You're giving up? Good on ya? No! don't give up. Don't give up on love even though this might not work out. Besides, if its all about the distance then you sure as hell know how to handle it even if the other person doesn't. And as for prioritizing oneself? Well, yeah. But all the movies, all the music, all the art in the world can't be that wrong, now can it? Love is and will always be an important part of all our lives. And it wont go away, it doesn't matter how hard you try. you'll always fall in love again and you'll always get hurt. Again. That's the way life is. Remember Zen, remember acceptance."
I mutter:
- "pretty please, shout the hell up..."
- "No, I wont. Cause you know that I'm right. you know that the strength you can find in love, falling, bubbling, being loved is not a drug is something else. Something better if you let it be. If you want it to be. Give up this shit about "Alone is Strong" fuck it! You know you'll make it on your own, that's not the point. But letting someone, anyone, even if its "only" a friend love you and let you get inspired, feel something is what its all about."
So I close my eyes and reply:
- "No, I refuse to believe that. Besides. The other person doesn't believe it so why should I? And why should I care at all? I guess I'll find out tomorrow"
And the realist in me resides with a rather confident voice:
- "Told you so, didn't I? You knew it was to good to be true."
Scared of opening my eyes:
- "Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. And I'm so sorry for messing thins up, for letting my chaotic life get that beautiful person into trouble. I'm so sorry."
I'll find out tomorrow. But before I hit the publish button I should think for a few more hours. This might actually be over the top, this might actually be way way to private. Not only for the person involved but for me. And for the record, I don't "hear" voices inside my head. Or let me rephrase, we all do. Fuck it all aye? I absolutely hate wintertime. Did I mention that?
Soundtrack: Explosions in the Sky, Tool, A Perfect Circle.
I'll leave it up to you to check them out this time.
I just wanna grab my stuff and go, had enough of this shit winter already and its just about to start. And I would if I only could. If I only knew where to go, what to do. Feeling that endless road under my feet again scares the shit out of me at the moment, just as much as knowing I'll be stuck here all winter. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.
Started looking for schools again, thought that might be the answer. Thought I might need to finish that degree and then I'll know what I was suppose to do with my life. But I woke up this morning, at 6.30 AM with chills running down my spine. Even if I did get in, even if I finished that damned bachelors degree in sculpture well, so what? There are no jobs anyways and I don't even know if I Can or Wanna work in the art industry at all. So why bother? And I can't seam to sit still in one location for more then a few months. I've been in Sweden for well, I don't know. More or less since July I guess. Got this room and have been mostly in Stockholm since the 1 of September. Two months later I still love my flat mates, they're awesome. Love the apartment, Stockholm and my room but it feels like I need to run again. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.
And a weekend here, a weekend there to just get away? To make that feeling of entrapment ease up a bit? Oh, well. I don't know. Panicked last night, just the thought of having to stick around here. Having no goal, nothing to do or nothing to look forward to freaked me out like shit. Applied for about 15 jobs that I probably wont get anyways cause I'm not qualified enough. Ha, you have to have work experience to get work and well... I don't. I've been studying. And oh, did I mention I've been studying Art? Which basically means I wont get a job anyways. And I'm not looking to build a career, shit I wouldn't even know where to start or what I would wanna do. Even for 6 months at a time. So I approached the problem from a different point of view, I applied for every job I could find that wouldn't immediately make me run and hide. Anything that could get that coin comin' in again. Don't know where to go when I've saved it up again. No goal but at least an escape plan. Even though it looks like I'll be stuck here until next August. And as I've already mentioned - I'm not strong enough to hit the road for real now anyways. Can't Stay, Can't Leave.
Soundtrack: Radiohead - Creep (which was the first song of the day my own radio wanted to play for me)
Person of the Day: Vexillum - who didn't ask questions and was a great late night film company.
Oh, and you guessed it right. Once again, "Dancer in the Dark". I think it must be the third time in about six weeks now. Favorite movie though, but still. I know every line, I've seen it more then ten times total. And I know that each time I'll find something new to fall in love with and a new place to cry.
Picture: Christchurch, New Zealand. A sculpture I found in a fountain in the botanic gardens which I absolutely loved.
My B-day is coming up this month and I always feel rather uncomfortable at this time of year. I hate wintertime in Sweden and even though I was right in the starts of summer last year I really didn't wanna celebrate anyways. I kept my birthday a secret and went camping with the Nelson gang, who found out on Facebook (grr) but we had a sweet beach party and I spent a lot of the night listening to the ocean while looking up on the stars, feeling the sand between my
toes.
Picture: Tataranoi Beach where we went camping and me after a sweet dip in the ocean.
So what about this year? I was suppose to go to Gotland to meet up with the summer flat gang and have a double b-day party but now I don't know any more. Might not have the time, money or company. Don't know if Zhe will be able to join us either. And then there is this huge issue of the actual celebrating. I think its the same yukiee feeling I get at the back of my throat when I get a sweet honest compliment from a loved one, I really just can't handle it. Ha, might be that teenie Goth girl still trapped inside or the Swedish "jantelagen" which is a saying that you should never try to be special or something more then anyone else. I don't know. It just creeps the hell out of me. Ah, then there are the heaps of spoiled B-Days of course. Gosh, how could I've forgotten them. That might just be it. So the question of the day (directed at myself I guess) is should I go public or hide?
So I went back, sat on that chair with my good friend the tattooist behind me and felt the needles penetrating my skin again. I enlarged the tree somewhat, let the branches grow just an inch or two across my shoulders and then it was filling time...
I'd been to Yoga class the night before, which made even my lungs ache. However it did remind me how to focus on my breathing and all those hours of meditation were also quite helpful. Concentration, meditation, breathing. Soon enough I could feel the oxygen mix up with adrenaline, endorphins spread across my body with a tingling sensation. Here we go!
After 2.5 hours I was getting kind of light headed though and felt like I was gonna faint but we were so close to the end, I didn't wanna stop! To stubborn for my own good as usual. Even though I could hardly sit up any more and realised that I'd probably taken this heavy breathing thing a wee bit to far. So while the needle kept on with a steady pace I changed strategy and used the sense of fainting to remember how it was to fall asleep, started breathing like I do when I wanna go to the dream land which as silly as it sounds almost happened. If it wasn't for that freaking pain of course.
The bits that were the hardest were across my shoulder blade where it curves just before hitting the armpit. The ribs and spine weren't all to pleasant either. Resting my head on my arm I could literary hear my bones vibrate as the needles hit them. But gah, the lower back was once again the hardest part. Those roots!! And I remembered how it felt getting that rat inked all those years ago. Fuck, that one really hurt!
3 hours later we were finally done and I could hardly stand up, had to hold on to stuff while trying to get to the mirror. And then the tears came, (or as close as I could being way to tired to actually cry), seeing the end result. I've wanted that tree for such a long time and now its finally here. I can still hardly believe it. But gosh, for every second I'm falling in love just a tad bit more. And I'll probably need to go back under the needle once more to tidy up a bit and fill in a couple of places where the ink didn't wanna stay put but at this point I'm just so glad its over.
Soundtrack: Whatever was on my fake-pod that day which ended up playing in the stereo. Only the "happy-nice-easy listening-soft-stuff" though. Person of the day: My dear old friend the Tattooist Crush of the day: Zhe (Surprised? Nah, me neither...)
Addictions: Travel + Hitch hiking, tea, art, dance, larp, play, cartwheels, my cell phone, music, the road, computers n' internet
Politics: Green-Veggie-Queer-Anarchist-Socialist
Loves: Animals&Nature, dark chocolate, warm hands, Urban Exploration, hitch-hiking, demonstarting, creating stuff/art, dancing, runnin' through the grass bare feet, adventures
Hates: to freeze, winter, autumn, losing control, my conscience, Falling in Love
Scared of: insects, the dark, Pennywise the Clown, Losing control, deep water, meat, freedom of will and not having freedom of will, the entrapment of a "relationship" (I'm a Relationship Anarchist), capitalism
Massive Attack, Queen, AFI, Takida, CombiChrist, Björk, Coheed & Cambria, Lacuna Coil, Deine Lakain, Bush, Pink, Rammstein+Tatu-kombo, Juli, Covenant, VNV Nation, Soulfly, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Silbermond, K-pist, Tool, Stabbing Westward, Within Temptation, Smashing Pumkins, The Used, Skillet, Architecture in Helsinki, Säkert!, Detektivbyrån, Fall out boy, Kate Nash, Freak Kitchen, Hello Saferide, Gwen Stefani, Eskalator, GoGol Bordello, Muse, Fall out boy, Shout Out Louds, Antony and the Johnsons, Blink 182, Rage agains the machine, Skunk Anansie, Arcade Fire, Silverchair, Kent, Dntl, Kora, Minuit, Sidewalk, Ladi 6, Lykke Li, Lamb, Lama, Stay Ali, Dubstep+Drum&bass, Mint Royal, Sigur Rós, Fat Freddy's Drop, Katchafire, The Black Seeds, Sidewalk, Joel&Joakim... and much more.
