I thought I'd give you a private tour of my little head today. I should warn you though, there's heaps of whining, negative thoughts and the occasional sour comment.
Feels like I'm banging my head against the wall, going around in circles. I just can't seem to move on. But I guess Zhe has, untagged us (ha, yeah I know I'm thirteen) in one of our pictures. So why keep on dreaming?
A pessimist confronted with two bad options will chose both. A realist confronted with two bad options knows better then to chose and will whine "when" they both occur.
Guess which one I am?
The "Quote" is made up by me, feel free to come up with a better phrase or comment. However, I got inspired by Smithis blog.
Completely unmotivated to everything the past week. Spending way to much time in my little room, my little cocoon. Rapped up in my thoughts and an overdose (is that even possible?) of Gilmore Girls. Winter time in Sweden, yay? Nope. Even though I must admit - the snow is absolutely beautiful. That winter wonder land outside my window is just a bit to much to handle though. Everything is frozen in time. My (non existing) relationship with Zhe. My friends back in Göteborg which I so wanna see again but rather not hitch below zero again (1900 kilometres was quite enough). Sweden is lovely in the summer but the rest of the year? Nah, I so (need?) wanna get out of here.And out of my sour feeling sorry for myself mood. Humpf.
Give me a job and I'm yours, Baby!
Picture: Zhe's picture which hir untagged us from.
The Winter Wonder Land - The playground I where I usually hang out in summer time.
Soundtrack: Well, its a bit embarrassing but I've come to appreciate all sorts of different music over the last year so here it is, soundtrack of the day is, behold, Beyoncé - Halo. Cause there's nothing like a Queer dance floor to change your mind. Got picked up by a cute girl at last summers Gay underwear party at Högkvarteret (or it got turned into that club later on). Thanks! Today its dedicated, oh my... You'll never guess? [Blank]
Nightmare: Yup. Can't remember what it was about but know I had some.
I was interviewed the morning after "Hit the Production" demonstration in Copenhagen - 13th of December 2009. These are my reflections... And me caught on camera! Gosh, I don't know whether to run and hide or smile. Gosh, I just look so exhausted and I'm not used to speaking in front of a camera at all. Talking way to fast, acting all nervous + of course, Mr. n' Mrs. pronunciation and vocabulary kindly waited outside my head to let me make a public fool out of myself. Even better, now I'm posting it on my blog?! Gee, another brilliant idea? One never knows. Well, my own private hall of shame/fame - Here I come.
THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE
| COPENHAGEN TURNS INTO A POLICE STATE | Part 1
THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE
| COPENHAGEN TURNS INTO A POLICE STATE | Part 2
THIS IS NOT WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE
| COPENHAGEN TURNS INTO A POLICE STATE | Part 3
Picture: Me having a Dread Head moment. And if you look carefully you can spot the huge as tree tattooed on my back.
Soundtrack: Perfect Circle - Sleeping beauty (Lyrics)
I know I've used it as my soundtrack before but its an classic and the video, fan made btw, is just brilliant. Besides, it sorta fits in perfectly with... oh gosh, here comes the melodramatic drama queen, my situation with Zhe. I. I. I just don't know what to do anymore.
Heart: Confused. Really confused. I replied Zhe's mail (just as I mentioned in my a previous post) Haven't gotten an answer to that one yet but, yes... we ended up chatting for a bit a couple of days ago. You know the drill, "I miss you, I'm still in love with you, this hurts like fuck". Gee. Thanks. Never could have guessed that one. Gosh, what ever am I going to do with you? (or with me for that matter?)
A good friend of mine said;
- "All the bad stuff and none of the good stuff. Genious."
- "Huh? none of the good?" I replied.
- "Yes, ponder this: if you've got a messed up relationship with Zhe then you'll at least get to be around hir. At the moment though, you're sitting all alone in your room, missing Zhe AND hurting. So none of the good stuff but all of the bad."
- "haha... yeah, you're right. I guess."
Thinking of moving to Göteborg, want to real bad. Although its sorta giving up on Stockholm, isn't it? Or is it just me wanting to hit the road again? In need of a new place? Something to get my mind of things? As far away from Zhe as I can get but hir knows all of the people in Göteborg too so... Been hiding from the world for the last week or so, not knowing what to do or where to go. Got another job interview here in town and I don't know what I want anymore. Torn between realities.
What happened next has been described as torture by the legal council I visited directly after I got out. I didn't understand what was happening in the begining. All the sudden I had a hard time breathing, it hurt. And as I looked around my cellmates (cagemates) held pieces of cloth over their mouths and noses. Trapped and with no were to go the cops (after firmly holding our door in place again) used pepper spray to calm us down. Everyone took the blankets and put them up against the bars, tor the benches from the walls and made even more noise. But just as in a previous quote, "To calm people with pepper spray is just as effective as trying to calm a cat by shoving custard down its anus". It didn't exactly help. Pepper Spray? The cops are actually using peppers spray on us? I couldn't believe it. This was just not happening. And for those of you who don't know, just like I didn't, pepper spray spreads throughout the room and will stay there for quite some time not just affecting one person but the whole lot of you. Which meant that we were all breathing in pepper spray for the next couple of hours. Needless to say, I got a bad rash covering my body afterwards which took about 3 or 4 days until it went away.
But the best part was when everyone started chanting at the top of their lungs "This is what Democracy looks like!!!" which resulted in even more pepper spray... And hey, I'm all for democracy. Its just that this, that we're calling Democracy and keep on forcing everyone in the world to convert to - well, come on you guys! Its just not it. This is what "your" democracy looks like, wanna come and check out the real thing? Or try some Anarchism on for a change? Some real, sweet beautiful Anarchism. There is a whole lot more to it then media wants us to believe. Remember "Freedom of Speech"? "They" obviously don't.
Eventually the riot police stormed us, stormed all the cages (at least on the woman side) and took away everything. Pressing us up against the wall and threatinging us with their weapons. They even took away our water. Shortly afterwards all the woman were transfered to the other side of the hall were the men were keeped. Of course still seperate but these cages had thicker bars - haha! They didn't count on us actually being able to break out. HAHAHAHA! you know what, we're just as pissed off as these guys are!
No water, no warmth, no food and the general freeling of hoplessness spread through out the room. After about six hours we were set free, fresh air had never smelled so good to me! There's a new law in place that got passed just before the COP15 in Denmark. It means that the Police has the right to a so called "preventive arrest". (1,2, wiki) Which basically means that they can arrest anyone for anything and say that the persons were planning on making trouble later on. You don't even have to have anything ileagl on you!! And yes, the Police actually stop people on the streets to check them. Randomly.
The new Law says that people from Denmark can be held in custady for up to six hours without any real reason and of course longer if they want to. Foriners can be there for twelve hours. but we we're lucky, the gang on the night before had been there for twelve hours and got fed meat. (Arrested at the big demonstration 12 Dec 2009). Hey, we're environmentalists! A lot of vegans if you hadn't noticed?? They also had to sit on the grownd for several fuckin' freezing hours before getting on the busses that transported them to the prision. And a lot of them were set free after an hour on the bus too, not enough space to hold them all. Gosh. And this was a planed arrest too!!
Heaps of info out there about that one, here's a quick youtube:
Heart Status: I finally got up the nerve and replied that email I got from Zhe about a week ago. (I'd sent a short reply saying I'd get back when I knew what to write as soon as I read it and now I sorta worked out what to say, more or less.) I guess now its my turn to wait again. But I don't even know if there is gonna be an answer to this one. Or what type of answer I want. Still all confused inside and... in love.
Nightmare's: Heaps. I stayed at Electroboy's house before hitching back to Stockholm and I hadn't been asleep for more then a minute or two when the first one hit me. And then they kept on coming all night. Every night. I don't know what I'm afraid of but it sure as hell isn't funny anymore.
Person of the Day: A random anonymous comment I got about my blog, thanks. Your thoughts and words mean a lot to me.
Soundtrack: The Streets and anything else British Bitter Trip-Hop sounding. Make's me frown, smile and pout while trying to sing along. It also seems to numen the heartache, only one draw back though, numens everything else too - with extensive listening.
And just as I thought I had figured out a way to get over Zhe, just plain "let it hurt" and "accept" I got a mail from him. Saying how much he missed me ect. Gah! i don't even know what to say, what to feel. I'm still so in love. Humpf.
People of the day: Berget in Göteborg.
Soundtrack: Eddie Izzards laughter.
City of the Day: göteborg
Event of the day: New Years eve
Secret of the day: I finally got up the guts - Dreads!!! That's why my hair is totally messed up ;p
Picture of the Day: me hitching in Sweden.
Year of the day: 2009
So as I got searched and went finally let out of my hand cuffs (which are made out of plastic strapps), I was led into a huge industry hall. And there they were. I couldn't believe it. I've heard about them but didn't think the roumers were true - but they were. 2.4 x 2.4 x 5 m. Cage. Caged. Prision in its original meaning. I felt like a ferret, trapped. Never really thought about how much freedom meant ot me but all the sudden it was the only thing anyone of us could think about.
Woman and men were keeped seperat, about 10 in each cage (we were eleven). The interier consisted of two benches strapped to the "walls", three isolating matts (very much needed cause of the freezing concrete floor) and after a while we even got thin blankets. Oh, the joy in little favors! And the all important water bottles. At first we screamed, "let us out!" and all sorts of chants from the demonstration ("Hit the Production - demo") The silence came. Or well, it was never silent but I was exhasted and fell asleep. Waking up to realise that the nightmare was infact true. Feeling the bars undernieth with my fingers.
Then rage hit the room. We went mad. Crying out "No Juctic, No peace - Fuck the Police", "ACAB - All Cops Are Bastards", "Climate Justice Now!". Baning the walls with out water bottles, screaming madly. I guess we were about 270 people in that hall so the noise was deafening. Some of the cops wore ear protection grear along with their batons. Across from us was one of the few cages on our side of the hall with men in it. They started jumping around, dancing, not hitting the walls but singing but soon got stopped by the Riot Police who stormed the cage and made them stand up against the walls, legs apart for another search.
The cages had during the previous night gotten quite a rough treatment from the inmates and the doors were now reinforced with wood. Which was great for us, cause they made heaps more noise if one hit them. At first I was kinda scared, tried to "just" scream and hit my bottle against the bars. But I got, just as everyone else, caught up in the rage and soon pushed agains the door. The police couldn't keep track on us all. We had passed the point of rage and were now on the level of pure instinct, "let us out!" and of course the question on all of our mindes - "what have we done!?"
All the sudden I was laying flat on my back, in the middle of the corridor and stunned policemen all around me. Ha! I'd, "accidently", busted the door which was now - with a massive bang - on the floor benieth me. I paniced. Didn't know what to do, shit!! So I chickened out, knew I'd never make it passed the guards and ran into my cage to hid beind the other woman who were all laughing their asses of at the Police.
Hitching: From mum in Småland to a skipper in Hamlstad for a sweet night of chatting and today --> hitting Göteborg and (almost) all of my favorite people down here. And some much needed love and hugs.
Person of the day: No not one, all the beautiful people I've meet during my travels.
Heart: broken, cardefully huged by lovely friends. broken again and missing you Zhe. Way to much!
Nightmare: I got back together again with Zhe and once again - woke up to reality.
There has to be a first time for everything, right? Its just that I didn't think it was gonna be quite this "real" but I guess one never does.
Peacefully walking along at the "Hit the Production" demonstration in Copenhagen on the 13 December 2009, (against capitalism and for the environment - Climate Justice Now!) the Police sorrounded us after about half an hour. It was as if they were already in place, ready to take us in. We'd done nothing. We weren't gonna do anything!
"A - Anti - Anti-Capitalista"
Scared, we found ourselves trapped. With no where to go. A countdown started on "our side" and all the sudden everyone ran towards the cops to push up against them. Which - needless to say - to pissed off royaly and they, in return, forced us back together. They wanted us to sit down, but there was no physical roomfor us to obey. No space. It didn't matter to them though. They hit a girl next to me in the head with a baton even though her arms were in the air, just like mine.
Actually, the videos will tell you a lot more then my writings. Just check them out if you wanna know what happened.
Hitching: Surprised mum by hitching to her place the day before yesterday and am gonna move on tomorrow probably. Loving to road, again. Ha, my true home? Yeah. Even though its below zero at the moment.
Heart: Tying to pick up the pieces, seems like some of them are missing though. Watch out where you put your feet, you might walk all over me again.
Nightmare: Define Nightmare? I had an absolute wonderful dream and woke up with a smile thinking I was on the ferry to go see Zhe, that hen had said "sorry, for everything. I want you back, wont you come and spend new years eve with me?". Wasn't all great when I realised that it had all been just in my little head. Humpf.
I can't even begin to describe the feeling as they finally came on stage. We were all stunned. Moved to tears and the only thing I could feel or at least phrase was "Thank you". The utter and complete feeling of gratefulness. So Thank you, Massive Attack! You were absolutely brilliant! Pure Love.
Still not celebrating Christmas with a merry bunch of queer friends, hanging out for about four days or so. Sweet.Vegan food, games, movies, sauna...
Heart: Gosh, wounds do heal with time and time means forgives. My heart is still very much broken but I'm not as angry anymore and I have a hard time remembering why we parted at all, or I do know its just that I've sorta... Oh, I don't know. I've started to dream again, about Zhe. That it would in some magic way be all sweet and cute once more. Bullocks. But Zhe hasn't been contacting me at all even though hen's FB status is still screaming that he misses me. Why doesn't he just call? Yeah, that's right. No cell. Mail? Gah, gotta start getting over this shit. Gotta stop dreaming and hoping for stuff that will just never happen anyways. Fuck it. Bullocks.
Still Dreaming.
Soundtrack: Do I even have to mention this one? Massive Attack!! And thanks mum for coming along with me, I had a great time!
Person of the day: Mum who I got to share this massive experience with!
They thought we were gonna be about 30.000, maybe even 50.000 people at the big demonstration on the 12/12-09 crying out for Climate Justice. But we blow them away, we were a merry bunch of a fuckin' 100.000 people marching towards Bella Center were the COp15 meeting was held.
Nightmares: Hmm, no but uneasy sleeping and lots of dreams. Talked in my sleep too and woke up the person next to me. Ooops.
Heart: Trying to hard to make it numb, be a busy bee but the it all the sudden hits me again. The next anoying love song is in my head at the moment, "Unbreak my heart". Humpf... So I guess, unbreak my heart Zhe. Will you? Gosh, hen doesn't even read my blog anyways. Maybe that's a good thing. Right about now.
Non-Christmas: So sweet. Someone came up with the cute name "FUAC" Friends United Against Christmas. Yay! Queer vegan bubble of love down here. Sadly the snow has melted again. So no snowball fight this time. Or at least today.
Green: Discussing a lot of green issues down here and trying to get over my "Fuck the idiot bloody world - we're all gonna die"-"depression". We'll make it there. Or at least I hope to learn how to be more patience.
Pictures: I took them and heaps more at the demonstration.
Just like the rest of you, ok there are exceptions I must admit, I hate Christmas and have never really gotten the part where you're just spontaneously suppose to be all happy and giving. Uhm, what about the rest of the year? And what is that thing with buying stuff so you don't feel guilty abouty not telling the ones you love that they're important? I don't get it. I really don't. So since a couple of years back, I don't celebrate Christmas. (Yeah, neither Christmas or my birthday!) Which is always some sort of struggle. Cause I can't live in an isolated bubble outside of society however much I even want to do at times - all the Christmas jingles do affect me to. I just chose not to obey them.
I consider my friends as family but at Christmas time they all suddenly get a family, relatives that want to hang out with them as cause they have the same last name/blood line/background they need to spend it together even though most of my friends hate it and would love to just not bother.
This year seems to have a real good potential. I randomly ran into (after txt with one of them) some real sweet queer people at the big ass demonstration in Copenhagen (12/12-09) and got invited (to my surprise) to their Non Christmas gathering. Yay! So I be hitched downward and am spending some queer time, hopefully licking my wounds, down wards in the country.
Picture: There's a tree in front of our apartment building which ok, it looks rather nice with all the lights and real (!) snow but come on!! Do you really have to cut down a perfectly good and innocent tree where there are just as good fake alternatives? The second picture is of course how I feel and randomly found on the net.
Heart: Still broken. Zhe wrote that hen missed me on Facebook. Had lost hens cell though which means I don't have to hope, in vain, that it will all the sudden have a picture of Zhe across the display. Even though I secretly want it more then anything. The naive part of me wants nothing more then have hen unbreak my heart.
Secret: Has got rolyaly majorly messed up hair. You'll never guess what happened! No, I'm celebate.
In the Winter Wonder Land of Sweden I decided that it was finally time for me to say hi, get some much needed hugs and love by some of my favorite people. I'd already decided this before everything went to pieces with Zhe again but gosh, then I knew I really had to get out of there. So back on the road. Only problem? Its below zero outside.
So notes to self and other who plan on hitching during wintertime when there's heaps of snow (these are an add on to the normal hitching advice I've blogged about here):
Get lots and lots of lights and reflectors - try and look as a much as a Christmas tree as you can! You'll end up registered as road kill if you don't - as soon as its dark (which happens at 3 PM in Sweden) no one can see you at the side of the road.
Bring a flashlight that you can flash at cars, this will also help them to see you if you get stuck somewhere.
Needles to say, lots of warm clothes. You're gonna need to be able to change too, when you start sweating or they get wet form the snow.
Always bring food, water and a dehydration tabbs.
Have a friend keep track on your whereabouts standing on guard if something would go wrong or if you're not txting hen for a while.
In summer time, find a good spot and keep it for about half an hour. Winter? No, keep moving. Don't stick around until your frozen through and trough. Even though this means giving up a good spot, you can always return to it.
In summer, every distance is a good distance. In winter hitching, you'll need to ask them more specifically what place their are gonna drop you of at. Try and stick to main roads and know where you're next gas station (for warmth!) is located.
Bring smiles, lots of smiles! As always. You'll need them when it gets dark.
Make your hat look as natural as possible or not wear one at all, remember the rule of "nothing on your head" from summer time hitching.
And most important of them all - make sure to check the weather if there's a blizzard heading our way!
So, 14 hours and 7 cars later with the temperature at -14 °C I arrived at my end destination - Electro Boy's place in Göteborg. Almost giving up at one point though, dark and stuck basically in the same spot for hours. Cold as fuck and having the clock tell me its gonna be even colder in a couple of hours. Gosh, that surly was the hardest hitching I've done. Nothing I recommend for a newbee.
Oh, and remember. Even if the cars can see you, there's theoretically space enough for them to pick you up, there's heaps of ice and snow covering the side of the road so a lot more people will think "nah, its to dangerous.".
Got picked up by Trix at one point which was heaps of fun! They hardly remembered me but I sure remembered them form their shows and a couple of larps/parties/mutual friends and of course Facebook. Thx heaps guys! Good company, nice stories and in the middle of it all a surprise visit at one of the guys cute dates so they could sing a Christmas carol for her. Haha! You were the best ride of the day!
Or hmm, maybe that was the couple who drove passed me on the highway at 7 PM, turned their car at the next possible exit to drive back and pick me up. Then they also decided to make a d-tour to let me out in Göteborg - yay!! I honestly don't know what I would have done if they hadn't picked me up, I was so close to giving up but I had no alternative either. Give up to what? Good part about hitching on big roads in the dark though, admitting and sharing a rather embarrassing secret here, is that you can scream, sing and cry as much as you want. No one will hear you. Which was exactly what i did. Comes in handy when another one of those "heart broken" feelings come along and turn your insides out.
Nightmare: Heaps of small weird ones. But it was so nice to sleep beside a good friend though. Thx, Elecroby.
Picture: Random internet.
Soundtrack: "Du måste finnas" - Helena Sjöholm
A beautiful song but WAY to religious for me (and no, I still don't believe in God), but for some reason I started singing it at the top of my lugns while hitching yesterday.
Is that it? Is that really it? Karma payback time? Ok, thank you. I got the message. Thank you.
This year has to be some sort of record. I've seen stuff, visited places that I'd never even dreamed of. Meet people who've taught me valuable lessens when I needed them the most. And I guess that includes the once I'd rather been without. The break ups. Cause gosh, there's been heaps. Remember Spikey? It must have been about three break up attempts with him (He being the one going back and forth.). Then the big summer lash out with Cat (I'd been/(am?) in love with hen since January 2008 (?)), nope I'm not over that one yet. And as I got back to Sweden, well... It never got even close to what we had before. We got off on the wrong foot. I still love hen though, heaps. Actually way to much. But its not gonna work. And then Zhe, in and out. Back and forth. Six bloody break up txt's from him!! WFT?! And I took him back, time after time. I caved. But that is defiantly it. I can't take anymore. I don't wanna have my little heart broken once more this year, come on! That's not to much to wish for is it? It's not even two weeks left of 2009? Pretty please? But don't say hi till its over.
And what do I wish for next year? Gosh, anything but Love! I always wish for anything else but love though. But I know I wanna get back on the road again, after summer time is up here in Sweden are my current plans. Hopefully hitting Asia. But heck, my plans always change. So I guess I wish I could stick to this one, cause its gonna take a lot of work and be a real hard one. I've got a mission over there, I need to find out some things about myself that I know I can only do when I'm there. (Don't ask me how I know, I just do).
Happy New Years?! Well, I guess not yet. Its still about two weeks to go.
Green: I'm still to pissed off at this non deal to actually deal. Bullocks!
Nightmare: Yes, more then one but its not as severe anymore. Maybe a 4.5 on the Richter scale.
Gosh, I wrote this whole post yesterday morning. I was on top of my game, checking out the sunrise and gotten a cute txt from Zhe during the night. And now? I don't know. I feel numb. Covered with snow. Like the one that is falling outside my window.
"I guess I have to confess, I didn't realise how much I've missed this. But gosh, when the entire world is covered in white snow its so beautiful. Its been so long since I've seen actual snow, having summer time last winter - down under in New Zealand. If one doesn't think that seeing the great (but very much melting) fox glacier that is. (or didn't I see the one next to Fox?)
So last night I went out with a mate who'd just gotten back from Denmark and we took out our rage with a sweet snowball fight. Even though it ended up more with us rolling around in the light powder, me getting cowered from top til toe and all wet. Ok, that's it. I really need to get some winter clothes!!
And the snow brought even more goodies =). A friend of mine missed his connection due to our snow covered trains and "had to" spend the night at my place wich resulted in lots of catching up, gosh how I've missed all you sweet ones from Göteborg! Each and everyone has a little piece of my heart. And as I woke up this morning i got to enjoy the winter wonder land of Sweden complete with sunrise and a txt from Zhe (yesterday was once again filled with "Silent treatment") filled with love.
Picture: Taken this morning outside of the office.
Nightmare's: None!!! Yay!! And I've got the snow storm to thank for that - and you of course, sweet Mr. Dreads."
A few hours later everything fell apart again. And now, in the light of day I still don't know what to think or what to do. Well maybe more Kate Bush, more writing and crafting might make my head focus on something else then that huge hole that's right in the middle of my chest. Bullocks, what to do when we're both still in love?
Green: No, seriously!! The non deal that they signed at COP15 yesterday doesn't even seem to be worth the paper its written on. Ha! What happened about nature? The environment? You know, the air you breath and ground you walk upon? Nope. I guess they don't care. The one thing which really puzzles me is how people that are so concentrated on getting children and making a family can totally ignore their grandchildren's future.
Nightmare: Yes, plenty. Chaotic night.
Soundtrack: Even more Kate Bush. Actually first time I really check her out so I've got quite a lot of catching up to do.
"This is so not fair."
A thirteen year old girl is sulking inside me with a pink top on and headphones filled with love songs.
"Its so not fair... How could this happen?"
The goth doesn't have to be asked twice,
"Well, what did you expect? That you were gonna live happily ever after?"
The Pink teenie looks down on her little doodles which mostly consists of hearts and marks a huge cut in one of them, "Well, not for ever but at least for a while? But for gods sake, can't we just be happy together? When we're both still madly in love?" She says and tries to erase the lines that mark that her little heart is broken.
The Goth, kindly for once, replies,
"Yeah, I'm with you there babe. Silly. Still, its my duty as the bad one floating around in her head to put the whole thing down. Besides its real poetic don't you think, having this huge ocean come between two people who do really love each other?"
Pretending to see the ocean and a little candle on the other shore marking her loves whereabouts, the Pink teenie answers,
"So you really think that it would be all peachy if they juts lived on the same island? Nah. If its love, true love, then it doesn't matter where you are or how often you meet each other. And its 2009 (almost 2010) we've got phones, internet and the ever so adorable txt messages. And even though there's this huge ocean its only a three hour boat trip and its still in the same country even."
As I clear my head and try to breath I end up feeling numb. I hate the way Zhe is treating me although I know he really doesn't mean to. Not on purpose. It doesn't matter in the end though, does it? Cause I still end up hurting. Like hell. When I look myself in the mirror, the reflection of how he sees me when we're not together... - I crumble. Is that me? No. I'm sorry. Which always leads to one of two things, either my self consciousness drops down below zero or I try to call Zhe. And in both cases, guess what? I lose. Cause Zhe wont answer, thinking I'm that girl in the mirror and if I am, gosh... Then I really do understand his silence. Hmm, did that make sense to anyone else but me?
And once again, its time. Heck, its been about two or three weeks since the last break up txt? And afterwards he promised ever so dearly never to do that again but to talk to me? But he did. And refused, just like always, to talk to me. At last he finally called however. Gosh, I really don't mean to make him sound like the bad one. We both are, just as always. Just let me finish my little heart broken story and you'll know that I'm very aware of both of our sides (or hope to be). Or rather, no. I wont get into details. Lets just cut the chase, communication break down. Again. As Always.
Sadly, even though we talked for an hour, hos phone went flat and we'd still gotten no where. Well. I know I can't get on that merry-go-around once more. I can't. I'm just gonna end up hurting myself if I do. And he feels the same way. But we both still are very much in love, so what to do? Wait and hope that it will pass? That we'll get over it? Hope that next year will bring better luck? Hope that we'll get back together one sweet day? Frankly, I don't know. Just that I love him. And I wish I didn't, but I do.
So freshly out of the sauna, with massive amounts of love from people everywhere (oh, I'm so forever grateful for all your warm support - you know who you are) I'll listen to one of the songs that was sent to me again, and again before falling asleep.
Picture: Random cute hit on internet.
No more climate topic for the day, I'm way to pissed of at the COP15 atm.
Soundtrack: Kate Bush - This woman's work (Lyrics)
Last update I heard was that Obama and Hillary Clinton were finally in place but The States said (in an ever so childish way) that they're only gonna sign a deal if China is. And they of course very well know that China never will. But really, there isn't even a deal! None to talk about anyways!
Just read another mail from Climate Justice Action (one of the organisations in Copenhagen during COP15) and I just couldn't have said it better. So I'm gonna be all (non)sneaky and a thieve for that matter. Posting it right here. And if you're in Copenhagen, do join in on the Demo!! Everyone is needed.
"The cop 15 comes to an end - and it has not coped with what politicians promised. There is no treaty that might preserve us from the catastrophic consequences of runaway climate change. The summit's agenda didn't even include real solutions to the climate crisis - such as tackling economic growth, leaving fossile fuels in the ground and implementing food souverainity. Neither has it adressed the ecological debt the global north has with the south or measures for a just transition towards a low carbon economy and society.
Delegates from the civil society have been excluded from the process, some of them beaten up by the police when trying to join the peoples assembly for climate justice outside the Bella Center.
Demonstrations have been cattled, attacked with tear-gas, pepper-spray and batons, more than 1.500 climate activists have been arrested over the past two weeks. Some of them are still in jail - those and others, including spokespeople for climate justice action are now facing trials for taking a role in our common struggle for climate justice.
We neither accept the results of this summit nor the repression our friends and comrades are facing - and that is why we will be on the streets again on friday (18th dec):
peaceful solidarity march from Israels Place near Norreport station (15:00) to Slodsplads (Christiansborg)
Mr. Harrison
"To calm people with pepper spray is just as effective as trying to calm a cat by shoving custard down its anus"
Me
"Before this, (COP15 - Climate Change Meeting in Copenhagen) I had respect for the police. Or rather, I was naive and afraid of them. And of course they still scare me - probably more now then ever - but now I wont think fuckin' twice about going up against them again. Those bastards diverse everything they can bloody handle AND get custard shoved down their anus on top of that."
Mr. Harrison
"I don't care about climate justice anymore, please just give us normal justice!"
Person of the Day: Mr. Harrison
Nightmare status: Richter scale: 7. One that I clearly remember where I got arrested again, brutally. Managed to send a txt to Zhe before though and said that I'm not gonna make my train back home. When I woke up next morning I noticed that I really did send him that txt in the middle of the night.
Todays Homepage is for those who still don't know what COP15 is all about and don't have the guts to ask someone about it.
Climate Video of the Day:
From "Hit the Production" Demonstration I attended at Sunday and got to spend time in the so called Climate Cages in custody. You can even see me, I've got a red backpack on my tummy walking towards the bus escorted by the Police.
Soundtrack: Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the name of
Hey, so here's a really cool new idea! Ha, its new for me at least. Of course I knew that google made heaps of money by me clicking on their links but I didn't really think about what actually happens when I hit the button. Of all the power (non-green) that feed the servers all over the world to give me, little me, an answer. My mum posted this on her Facebook and I checked it out. Cool! So I reposted it on my page and got a totally different response.
A: "The basic idea of generating revenue to buy rainforest is good but there is some manipulation (read: extravagant lies) in the video hidden under a comfortable blanket of "some say that...""
B: "It actually makes me think, what is WWF doing with the money? How more money can save more rainforests? They pay people not to cut them down or what?"
Me: "probably something like that, frankly I don't really care. The fact That the money goes to something/someone else then the big guys in suits is more then enough for me. The fact that it is used to "save the forest" is more then enough for me. I'm kinda tired of the whole "but don't you know that they are frauds too?" argument. Cause even if they are, they at least made us all think and made us spread out our money somewhat. Good enough for me."
B: "That might be creating a bigger problem for the future."
Me: "your point being? it might be a bigger problem that the forest is still standing no matter how or what made it happen or that its a good enough reason for me to use that search engine even though I actually can't check out the big bad facts behind ecosia's nice front page?"
B: "That's what I wanted to hear - what are they actually doing with the money - creating a network of protected areas makes sense. Otherwise it goes as "Ok, give us money. More money. I said, MORE MONEY!", which does not bring saving wildlife anywhere."
Me: "well, actually. I reccon its a lot better giving organisations like WWF money then google any day, even though I might not actually know what its used for. Cause I know what the money the big guys (oh, I'm not only talking about google here) goes to - bigger cars, more meat in their food and better silicon implants. You know what? No thanks. Its even good enough for me if WWF wants to buy their 10AM eco coffee fo each time I use ecosia. Ha. Its good enough for me."
Ok, so I might have been a bit harsh there at the end but seriously. I'd rather WWF or some other green organisation owning huge amounts of rainforest then it simply being cut down. And gosh, yes! I'll still be using google on occasion. Besides I'm a huge gmail fan, I'm obviously using blogger, youtube and have recently discovered google chrome + google wave. But if using the ecosia link will get someone else some money and it is hopefully used in a green manner then, heck. I don't see the problem. What do you think?
"This is a meat free Kitchen" I heard myself proudly announce one late evening in front of my flatmates who weren't to impressed (or actually it was one of the boy friends of my flatmates who made the biggest face). Fuck, I could almost look at the tension in the room so I snook out. But crawled back the next day to apologise and explain.
You see, imagine yourself looking upon a corpse. A Human Corpse. Tell me how you feel. Focus. Look at it while I chop it up into small pieces, blood "accidentally" getting on your shirt and a not to pleasant smell starts to spread through out the room. While we walk over to the kitchen sink, hey you sill with me?, I grab the frying pan and grease it up real good. Now, Imagine the faint, at first, scent of human flesh fill the air. And you probably already know, I'm not the best chef, so sadly the freshly cut piece of meat gets rather burned on one side. According to survivors of the Holocaust its suppose to be a very sweet smell that penetrates everything and clings on to your hair even after a couple of showers. Sill paying attention? Now for the good part - watching someone actually sink their teeth into the cadaver.
Now you maybe got some idea of what if feels like when I think of you eating animals. And I see NO reason for this to happen at our flat where all three of us are vegetarians (I'm a vegan (youtube/wiki)). So NO. I could have had a bit more diplomatic approach the first time the discussion came up but I don't see the point in cooking up animal meat at the flat, no one who pays rent here is gonna eat it. Besides those who still eat corpses will survive one meal without, I'm living proof of that.
So I'll still say - Meat Free Kitchen.
Inspiration: Wow, check this guy out! I've thought about this for more then a few times. Leaving this world behind and going for the essentials in life. Heck, we'll see what happens ey? Cause one happy day I might be the one in a trailer in India, living the Real Green Life. Until then I'll keep on reading about this guy (and go demonstrating in at the Climate Meeting in Copenhagen).
Soundtrack: Rainforests pitter patter on my mind.
Special person of the day: Fiffi - for being the coolest vegan of them all!
Youtube of the day:
JOIN the FLOOD, Copenhagen Flood December 12 2009 COP15 UNFCCC
Addictions: Travel + Hitch hiking, tea, art, dance, larp, play, cartwheels, my cell phone, music, the road, computers n' internet
Politics: Green-Veggie-Queer-Anarchist-Socialist
Loves: Animals&Nature, dark chocolate, warm hands, Urban Exploration, hitch-hiking, demonstarting, creating stuff/art, dancing, runnin' through the grass bare feet, adventures
Hates: to freeze, winter, autumn, losing control, my conscience, Falling in Love
Scared of: insects, the dark, Pennywise the Clown, Losing control, deep water, meat, freedom of will and not having freedom of will, the entrapment of a "relationship" (I'm a Relationship Anarchist), capitalism
Massive Attack, Queen, AFI, Takida, CombiChrist, Björk, Coheed & Cambria, Lacuna Coil, Deine Lakain, Bush, Pink, Rammstein+Tatu-kombo, Juli, Covenant, VNV Nation, Soulfly, Nine Inch Nails, System of a Down, Silbermond, K-pist, Tool, Stabbing Westward, Within Temptation, Smashing Pumkins, The Used, Skillet, Architecture in Helsinki, Säkert!, Detektivbyrån, Fall out boy, Kate Nash, Freak Kitchen, Hello Saferide, Gwen Stefani, Eskalator, GoGol Bordello, Muse, Fall out boy, Shout Out Louds, Antony and the Johnsons, Blink 182, Rage agains the machine, Skunk Anansie, Arcade Fire, Silverchair, Kent, Dntl, Kora, Minuit, Sidewalk, Ladi 6, Lykke Li, Lamb, Lama, Stay Ali, Dubstep+Drum&bass, Mint Royal, Sigur Rós, Fat Freddy's Drop, Katchafire, The Black Seeds, Sidewalk, Joel&Joakim... and much more.
Give me a job and I'm yours, Baby! 
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